Hail Saint Helen
by CrimsonRae
Summary: Sometimes Tommy forgot about the people behind the scenes...even the ones he grew up with.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I so shouldn't start another story, but I've become a little obsessed with Peaky Blinders. Hope you enjoy my new thought.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter One**

There was no murmuring, only the simple static of scratching pen to paper.

Surprising, Nell thought, as the Shelby boys had decided to make an appearance to class for once. There was usually never a dull moment when the brothers were a foot.

"…French negative adjectives, sometimes called indefinite negative adjectives, are made up of two parts which surround the verb: ne auc.…."

Curiously, she glanced to her side to see Tommy diligently scribbling away. His eyes were bright, focused. It made Nell frown, Tommy never paid this much attention. At almost fifteen, Tommy held the same restless energy that all boys seemed to have. His attention set more on the happenings of the world outside their neighborhood's crummy little school, more on boxing and earning his status and right as a Peaky Blinder. His sudden preoccupation with taking notes didn't make sense.

A light shake to her chair had Nell remembering the other Shelby. Arthur shifted tirelessly, his foot tapping a steady rhythm to the leg of her chair. Nell held in a sigh of irritation, but was silently grateful that one of the brothers was at least acting somewhat normal. His unusual silence and lack of smart responses for their teacher had her baffled. There weren't many things that Nell claimed to know, but she knew Small Heath, she knew every canal and alley, she knew its residents and their habits and she liked the pattern of it all. Birmingham was cold, and chaotic, but it wasn't without its rules and structures. She fit into that structure in her own way as did the Shelby's. Yet, two of those Shelby's were not conforming to code and that produced a conundrum that her fourteen-year-old mind did not like.

Tommy, to his credit, seemed to suddenly realize her suspicious gaze as he glanced towards her. He blinked almost self-consciously before hissing, "What?"

The tapping to her chair stopped and Nell knew that Arthur was paying attention. She tilted her head to catch the oldest Shelby in her peripheral. Arthur's snarky grin almost made her roll her eyes. He may have just turned seventeen, but he was still stuck with them in French lessons. She turned her stare back to Tommy as she whispered, "What's wrong with you two?"

Both of the boys seemed to pause at the question. Their confusion was more than apparent and it exasperated Nell to no end, "You're behavin'."

The boys exchanged glances as Arthur spoke up, "Behaving 'ow?"

"That's just it, innit? You're behavin'!" Nell exclaimed softly.

Tommy snorted as Arthur scoffed indignantly, "I always behave."

"And I'm the Mother Mary." Nell drawled lowly to both boy's amusements.

"Then you look good for an old hag." Tommy muttered lightly, making Arthur snicker.

By this point the trio were starting to attract the attention of their teacher. A pointed stare and cleared throat were enough to get the three of them to quiet down and pay attention again. Well, Nell paid attention, she was rather sure that Arthur went to sleep while Tommy continued to scribble away.

She didn't see the boys again until it was time to leave. Nell had her books clasp tight to her chest as she sauntered down the hall musing over the unusually quiet day with the Shelby boys. A light bump to her shoulder let her know she was no longer alone. Her lips stretched into a pleased smile as she looked up into twinkling blue eyes, "Michael…"

" 'ello Nell." Michael Bennett murmured softly. His eyes never left her grey ones and she was beyond happy that he wasn't giving her the up down that she had seen other boys give girls, but then Michael was a bit older at sixteen, maybe he knew better, "May I walk you 'ome?"

She smiled shyly, "Of course."

Michael reached out for her books as he returned her smile. Nell couldn't help the butterflies that fluttered in here stomach as the two continued to head out the school. Her thoughts on the Shelby brothers disappeared until they were outside and a familiar pair of peaked caps turned in their direction. She didn't notice them at first, too busy trying to think of what to say to Michael.

"Oi, who's the tosser, Nell?" Arthur called out.

Nell held in a groan as the boys trotted over. Michael stiffened next to her, a nervousness appearing in his eyes that hadn't been there before. Funny how the boys didn't come to class enough to know the other kids much, but it seemed as if all the students knew who they were. Great the Peaky Blinders strike again. He surprised her though as he stepped forward with a raised hand, "I'm Michael."

Tommy and Arthur exchanged amused looks before eyeing the stranger. Neither reached out to shake the offered hand and it only took a moment more before Michael let it drop. Tommy turned abruptly with a steely look at her, "It looks like he 'as your books, Nell."

"He's walking me home, Tommy." Nell scowled in warning. She hadn't seen that look directed at her since she had turned six and had pushed Tommy into some mud. He had always been able to communicate his displeasure with just a look. Only this time she wasn't sure what she had done to earn it.

"Is he now?" Tommy smiled snarky, "Well then, you best take care of our Nell. She means a lot to us Shelby's"

"Tommy-"

"We'll see you later Nell." Arthur said softly with a gentle look as he grabbed his brother's arms, "Don't have too much fun, now."

Nell sighed softly as brother's disappeared. She looked nervously up at Michael only to find him watching her warily. He smiled half-heartedly, "So how do you know the Shelby's so well?"

Nell shrugged as she began walking down the street, "My mum was friends with their mother growing up. So I always played with them when I was younger. Went to so many of their family functions and vice versa that Tommy and me thought we were cousins for a while. They're family, I suppose."

"I don't think they like me."

 _Nell laughed as she beamed up at Michael, "They don't like anyone."_

It had been a different kind of complicated then – before the war changed everything. Nell could never call their lives simple. Simple didn't really exist in Small Heath. She sighed tiredly and pulled a cigarette from the tin box by the stove. She didn't think much of it as she took a drag and stared out into the bleary smoked filled morning. A list of errands and chores wafted through her mind as she put off old memories. She didn't have time to reminisce – when really she didn't want to focus on how she had changed. She missed the uppity child she had been more than she ever cared to admit.

Stubbing the cigarette out, Nell turned abruptly from the window and headed toward the basement stairs. Below, a leaf of cotton woven paper and various colored ink jars awaited her attention, she paid no mind to the supplies as she glided pass her work table. Her hand rose to tap against the wall, an unconscious habit as her head tilted to the side to listen. There was no hollow sound of a space hidden to be heard, but there was a slight squeak. A sound that most would have written off as a loose nail, always made Nell pause in familiarity. Her nimble fingers unfurled to smooth over the walls wooden board to feel for the edge. It didn't take her long as she plied the board out to remove a densely packed stone box from within. The thick rock was heavy enough to reinforce the plank when hidden and remove the telling hollow sound of most hiding spots, but its plain façade made others overlook it when it was left out on her tables. She hefted the ten pound box to her station before wresting the lid back to reveal what was inside.

Photos stared back at her of various people; most she had yet to meet and doubted that she ever would. She removed the grainy pictures to pull the documents underneath from shadow. Government papers, licenses, passports, if it had an official seal on it then she had it firmly tucked away. These were her true assets.

Carefully, she searched for the documents she needed before putting the rest away. As she settled at her work table her mind became lost to her work. Pens dipped and swirled through thick ink before skillfully being flourished across paper. Her hand moved quick enough to leave no blotches as her breath evened out to keep her from shaking. Bit by bit the once blank page began to resemble the identification documents that rested to her side. She should have been an artist…not a forger. A skill among many on her eclectic resume. Sometimes Nell thinks she may have spent too much time around the Shelby's as she grew up, not that her favorite criminal family knew what she was up to.

It was hours before she stopped. Her hand was cramped and her stomach was emitting a low rumbled that reminded her that there was no food in the house. Cautiously, she picked up her drying work and carefully placed everything out of sight. Despite the fact that she lived on her own now and there was no one to snoop through her belongings, Nell would never trust the security of a simple locked door. It wasn't much longer before she was outside, amongst Small Heath's buzzing little city. The odd combination of horse hooves clacking on cobble stones and the hum of engine cars entered her ears. Nell knew she wouldn't be able to tolerate the noise, no matter how mild, for long. Whenever she spent time in the dark, near silent basement she would become overly sensitive to sound and light. She typically didn't go outside on her forging days, but necessity made that an impossibility today.

She barely made it into the main square when she nearly got bowled over by a blur in the shape of a man.

"Christ." She muttered as she tried to keep her balance.

"Watch where you're goin!" A harsh voice exclaimed back, a voice she was all too familiar with.

Nell groaned internally as she sniped back, "Could say the same to you, Arthur."

There was a surprised pause as she watched Arthur stop mid-stride and turned abruptly, "Nell?"

"No, the Ghost of Christmas Past." Nell stated dryly as she smoothed her coat. She glowered with exasperation as she took in Arthur's baffled expression. He was stuck somewhere between contrite and surprised at seeing his old school friend, " 'ello by the way."

Arthur had the grace to look a bit chagrinned as he stepped toward her, "Sorry Nell, didn't mean to almost trample ya."

"Mmm." Nell hummed softly as she watched him move towards her.

Arthur seemed to almost sway restlessly as he offered her an arm, " 'aven't seen you in a while. How've you been?"

"I've been." She muttered vaguely as she accepted his arm. She crinkled his nose lightly as she smelled the alcohol that seemed to cling to Arthur's person. A shift of sorrow filled her, but Nell was careful not to let it show, "What has you in such a huff?"

"Who says I'm in a huff?" Arthur murmured back, but the tension in his body and clenched jaw were all signs that he was in a mood. He only had to see Nell's unimpressed stare to know that she wasn't going to buy anything he was selling, "Tommy."

"Tommy." Nell stated with a raised brow that said she needed more than the name of his brother to understand what was going on. The duo began to walk slowly with Nell gently guiding the way to the grocers. She tipped her head to the side with a faint smirk, "You two goin at it?"

"Somethin' like that." Arthur sighed tiredly and shook his head, "He's doin' things that are gonna get us all into trouble…I'm not even sure he cares."

"He's workin on one of his schemes then." Nell said knowingly. Tommy was always a good planner; a good strategist her mother would say. It had never really been a problem before the war. Tommy would have a plan and would share it with his family and either something would come of it or nothing, but after the war he had become a great deal more tight lipped on his plans. The cold man that was Thomas Shelby was a far cry from the good humored boy of the past. Nell sighed softly as she patted Arthur's arm, "Everything that Tommy has ever done has always had a point and that point is you lot. He does everything to take care of your family."

Arthur shrugged tiredly as he led her up the steps to the grocer, "Just don't seem like it no more."

"I don't know what to tell you. I haven't seen Tommy in forever." Nell smiled fondly as started to shop for her necessities, "Though I have seen quite a bit of Ada, Finn and John."

Arthur blinked in surprise, "Finn? John? You don't even like John much."

"Your brother has too much attitude for my taste, but he needs help with the kids on occasion and your Aunt Pol doesn't always have the time. Finn will run small errands for me from time to time." Nell informed as she put bread into her bag. She didn't need much. She was just shopping for her today.

Arthur snorted with laughter as he watched, "You watch the holy terrors? Oh fuck, I'm surprised you haven't killed 'em yet."

Nell shrugged, "They're not so bad. Know to mind their p's and q's with their Aunt Nell if they want any treats."

"Yea, just what they need. Treats." Arthur shook his head in exasperation as he smiled softly, "You always could make my day better."

Nell smiled as tossed an apple over to him. She hadn't seen Arthur often since he returned, but even more rare was the smile he sported now, "Well, I try. You should come by sometime, have a meal."

"I could do that." Arthur smirked as he took a bite from his apple. Nell scrunched her nose slightly as he talked with his mouth full, "You know I'd marry you in a 'eartbeat if you let me. Well, if Tommy didn't kill me first."

"Arthur, the day I marry a Shelby is the day the world stops turnin." Nell stated dryly as moved to pay.

Arthur looked indignant as he followed behind her, "What's wrong with us Shelby's?"

Nell smirked, "You lot? You never behave."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I usually don't write this quickly, but I can get these characters out of my head. Please enjoy. And thank you for the reviews :)

Disclaimer: I own what is mine

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 **Chapter Two**

Nell grimaced as she pricked her finger again with her sewing needle. Her mother had been trying her best to get Nell to learn how to mend and make clothes, but Nell was more sure that she would ended up bleeding to death before she became a decent seamstress. She silently sucked on her finger for a moment, cursing whatever demon made mending a chore. A white handkerchief dropped into her lap suddenly, causing Nell to look up into her mother's grey eyes. Eyes like hers. She smiled sheepishly at her mother's exasperatedly amused look as she wrapped her finger with the white cloth.

"One of these days you'll remember to use the thimble as you sew." Her mother murmured tiredly. At thirty-six Sadie Donovan still looked like she was in her twenties with her twinkling eyes and bright smile. Nell was sure that it was that mischievous smile that made her mother look so young. A smile her father said that she had stolen from the gypsies she had grown with.

Nell shrugged, "The thimble makes it 'arder to hold the fabric."

Sadie shrugged right back at her daughter mockingly, "You get used to it, luv."

Nell barely had time to make a disgruntled sound back at her mother when a slight clatter came from the front room. She tried to peer around her mother's form, but felt the dress she'd been mending tugged from her hands as she did so. She looked to Sadie again in question. Never did her mother try to take her work from her, a firm believer that Nell needed to do things on her own if she were ever to learn. Sadie nodded toward the front room, "Go on. Tommy is here to see you."

"Tommy?" Nell whispered with a frown. What in the world was he doing here? They hadn't made plans. She gave a baffled glance to her mother, who seemed to know why the Shelby boy was in their house, as she left the kitchen. She wandered to the front of the house to see her childhood playmate staring out the window with his hat in hand. He looked like he was a million miles away.

She titled her head fondly wondering what scheme he was thinking up now. She watched him for a minute more before breaking the silence, "Tommy?"

Tommy seemed to start as he came back to himself. His head whipped around to see her leaning in the doorway, he smirked faintly, "You ready?"

Nell's brow furrowed in confusion. They hadn't made plans; she would have remembered. She shook her head, "Ready for what?"

"Our lessons." Tommy drawled lowly with a look of amusement as if she should know what in the world he was talking about.

By this point Sadie had sauntered up behind her daughter. A gleam of excitement muted only by wariness coating her gaze as she glanced between Nell and Tommy. She had wondered if her daughter would remember the decree that had occurred at the last Gray/Shelby family outing, but by the confused look on her face the answer was no. Sadie coughed slightly to hide her laughter, "You and Tommy 'have dance lessons today, luv."

"What?"

Tommy snorted as he moved forward to nudge her toward the door. Madam Tillia wouldn't be happy with their tardiness and while he would never admit it aloud that woman scared him half to death. He sighed laughingly, "Weren't you paying attention when Grandad said he wanted us to learn to dance for the party coming in a few weeks?"

Nell paused as she thought to the late summer hunt that had occurred weeks prior. There had been talk about a celebration for the beginning of the horse fair season. Excitement had littered the Gray camp at the prospect of another party. She vaguely remembered Seamus Shelby had made some comment about holding a few traditional dances. Nell hadn't even known that gypsies had traditional dances, "I thought 'e was jokin."

"Grandad never jokes." Tommy muttered sagely as she ushered her out the door. They hadn't made it four steps when he could feel her digging her heels in. He sighed it was going to be a long day.

Nell huffed indignantly as she pulled away from Tommy's grip, "What if I don't want to learn to dance? I wasn't exactly consulted, ya know? I may have other things planned."

"I think the clothes could use a break from being bled on, luv." Sadie called from the front door, making Tommy snicker.

Nell glared at both of them. She hated having decisions made for her. Tommy merely rolled his eyes at her petulant attitude, "Enough, Nell. You think I want to do this? I can already 'ear the ribbing I'll be getting from Freddie and Arthur. Or is it that you're not learning this with your new beau, eh?"

Nell could suddenly feel her mother's sharp gaze boring into her. She kept her stare locked firmly on Tommy, refusing to meet Sadie's stare. The grim satisfaction in Tommy's gaze let her know that he had done that on purpose. She held in a growl as she trotted down the steps to get out of her mother's hearing distance as quick as possible. Tommy followed close behind her, unsurprised when she whipped around a few blocks later to punch him in the arm, "Michael is not my new beau. He's a friend that walks me 'ome on occasion and did you really need to say that in front of mum?"

"I think Sadie deserves to know 'er daughter is running around with a strange boy. 'Sides I don't like 'im." Tommy bit back as he danced out of her reach as she swung at him again. One hit he would allow; he didn't deserve more than that.

Nell blew a long curly brown strand of hair out of her face in frustration, "You don't like anybody!"

 _Tommy blinked blandly as she suddenly stormed away from him. A cheeky smile lit his face as he called out, "You're goin the wrong way!"_

"You're going the wrong way!"

Nell blinked as the words penetrated her brain. Her hands gripped the steering wheel harder as she tried to avoid the ditches that plagued her path. With gritted teeth she called back, "The road was blocked! What'd you expect me to do? Stay there like a sitting duck?"

The woman in the back of the ambulance cursed as the vehicle bounced with a sudden jolt. Her hands did their best to hold down her patient and keep his bleeding stemmed. Her name was Harriot and it wasn't the first time she had worked with Nell, but this was the first time that the duo had come this close to the front lines. It made Harriot nervous to hear the gunfire so close. They could hit a mine for God's Sake!

Yet, as she glanced to the front she didn't see the same fear in Nell. Only a hard, determined gaze to get them away from this mess. Nell seemed to sense her nervousness as she glanced back and called back to her, "We'll get out of this 'arry. I promise. It's jus like a dance."

Harriot blinked in disbelief, "What?"

"You got to look for the signs of change. New potholes or moved dirt, step to the left or to the right to avoid. Listen for the shots to know if you need to speed up or slow down. It's all a bloody dance." Nell explained as she pushed down on the accelerator. Thirty minutes. They had thirty minutes to get to the field hospital before the garrison arrived to blow the road sky high. She had heard the men talking about it as they picked up their patient. She hadn't said anything to Harry, didn't want to scare her.

"You're crazy, you know that right?" Harriot called back stuck somewhere between horrified and amused at Nell's comparison.

Nell laughed back, "O' course, luv. Who else volunteers for this duty but the crazies?"

She veered in time to miss another pothole, but missed the signs of new dirt. The front passenger tire of the ambulance brushed over the trigger with neither nurse the wiser until it was too late. The explosion rocked the vehicle sideways. Nell only heard Harriot's scream before everything went black and she was suddenly back in Madam Tillia's dining room purposefully treading on Tommy's feet. He hadn't been amused. Had that really been ten years ago?

" _Nell!"_

She blinked, the smell of powder and smoke the first thing she noticed. Where was she?

"Nell!"

Who? Nell nearly screamed as she tried to move. A pain unlike anything she had ever known tore through her body and she was suddenly very awake. A strange pressure kept her from moving again and as she looked she saw a very banged up and bloody Harriot hovering over her, "Don't move, Nell. Part of the steering column is embedded in your side. Moving will only make the bleeding worse."

Nell breathed raggedly as she tried to process Harriot's words. She had never heard the other nurse so quiet. She could feel dirt blanketing her skin and it was in that moment she realized that she was laying on her side. She took another deep breath as she gasped out, "What happened?"

"You missed a step." Harriot joked poorly as Nell finally caught a glimpse of her face. Tears poured down the nurse's cheeks as she kept some cloth pressed to Nell's wounds.

Nell swallowed tightly, "The soldier?"

"Dead. Bled out minutes ago."

Nell shuddered at Harriot's blank voice. She sounded like the men who came to the tents shell shocked. Thirty minutes. It took more strength than Nell cared to admit as reached for Harriot's hands, "You need to go."

Harriot looked up in shock, "What?"

"They're gonna blow this area up. You need to go." Nell forced out as she let go of Harriot's hand to feel for the steering column scrap.

"Nell-"

Her hand latched onto the cold metal that protruded from her side like a spear. The scrap was bigger than she was expecting. She wouldn't be able to pull it out on her own, "They don't know we're out 'ere. I didn't take the assigned road. It was blocked remember? You need to go."

"Nell."

 _Nell sighed as she felt the edges of her vision dimming and glared up at Harriot, "Go."_

Nell gasped lightly as she rolled over in bed. Sweat coated her skin as she tried to remember how to breathe. Her hand automatically went to her side, able to feel the ridged puckering of scar tissue beneath her thin shift. Another shuddering breath tore through her as tried not to sob. She needed to get up, she needed air. Hastily, she moved from her bed disturbing the orange tabby that slept at the foot. She paid little mind to the disgruntled cat as she pulled on her dress and coat. It was the middle of the night in Small Heath, not the ideal time for a stroll, but she didn't care. She needed out. It took her a few minutes more to locate her shoes before she was heading out the door.

The cool night air hit her face, but the smoke scented city did nothing to relieve her nerves. She pushed down the street, her feet following a familiar path that led out of town. There was a pasture where Uncle Charlie used to let the horses roam. The air was fresh there and no one would be lurking about. She remembered a time when she used to nap out there when she was younger, used to scare the hell out of her mother. A faint smile coated Nell's lip at the thought. Everything she used to do would scare her mother…or make her laugh.

Slowly, but surely, Nell's panic began to abate as she walked, only it was replaced by a deep ache with the thought of her mother. What would Sadie think of her daughter now? Nell sighed sadly as she finally turned onto the dirt path that would lead to the pasture. She hoped to grab a few hours of kip in the green grass, but knew she would simply listen to the sounds of the crickets before the sun rose over the horizon. This had become an old routine for her. Sometimes…sometimes she was lucky to dose.

"What are you doin' out 'ere?"

Nell started at the low timbered voice that sounded the second she stepped past the cobbled wall that marked the pasture. Clutching her hand to her chest, her grey eyes landed on a tall brooding form sitting against the wall. She hissed, "Christ, Tommy!"

"It's late. You shouldn't be out on your own." Tommy commented as if he hadn't just scared her half to death. A living, breathing scarecrow, he was. He tipped his head back to look at her, his eyes glittered darkly in the moonlight.

Yet, all Nell could hear was the censor in his voice and it made her grit her teeth. She wasn't a child, "Tommy, things never end well when you try to tell me what to do."

They were silent for a moment, both quietly studying the other. In the distance Nell heard a snort and shuffle and realized that Tommy had ridden one of Charlie's horses out. She sighed tiredly before breaking their staring contest and moving to slump next to him on the ground. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and offered her another. Somehow it didn't strike her as strange that he was here.

"Nell." Tommy said lowly as he puffed on his smoke.

She didn't have to look to know he was watching her again, "Hmm?"

"What are you doin' out 'ere?" He asked again.

She shrugged as she took another drag, "Couldn't sleep. Decided to come here."

"You walked?" It wasn't so much a question as an accusation. She looked up to see a hard glint in his blue eyes. She wouldn't be surprised to know that he was formulating a way to keep her from night walking again.

"That's typically how I get around, yes." Nell stated sagely as she finished off her cigarette and ignored his muffled curse.

"If I tell you not to-"

"I'll just ignore you." She answered cutting him off.

Tommy grunted unhappily with a shake of his head, "You're a pain in the arse, Nell."

She shrugged tiredly, "I already told you, things never end well-"

"When I try to tell you what to do. Yea, yea – I know." He grumbled as he rubbed a tired hand over his face.

Nell couldn't help, but watch him for a moment. The sorrow that she had felt with Arthur seemed to return twofold with Tommy. She squashed it down like a bug as she tried to see if there was anything left of the boy she had once known. If she was honest, she had already seen the evidence she was looking for. His tendency to question everything she did, still drove her up the wall, "Are you alright?"

Tommy's disgruntlement seemed to turn to amusement as looked balefully at her, "You worried about me?"

"Seems to be my lot in life to worry about you Shelbys." Nell stated wryly casting a glimpse to the night sky, " 'Specially sense one of you seems to find me whenever I leave me house."

Tommy snorted lightly, "Could be that you just find us."

"Could be." Nell agreed with a smirk. She turned mischievous eyes back toward him as she remembered the first half her dream, "Do you remember when we had to take lessons from Madam Tillia?"

There was a baffled pause as Tommy looked at her curiously, "I remember you stomping on my toes to exact revenge."

Nell snickered as she replayed their lessons in her head. Tommy smiled faintly at her laugh as he shook his head in exasperation, "You were always such a terror."

Nell lifted a brow, "So were you."

"True."

There was a cozy silence between the two of them as they settled to watch the sky. It reminded Nell of home, of better times. It should have been a good feeling, but it hurt. Hurt in the same way it hurt to think of her mother. She tipped her head to find Tommy once more, only to see a similar pain in his eyes, "Tommy?"

"I'm fine, Nell." Answering her unasked question.

"Liar."

"Yea."

They fell into silence again before it being broken one last time by Tommy, "Nell, you do know you're not walking back?"

Nell smiled tiredly, not bothering to look away from the sky, "I figured."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: The muse continues to speak to me. Thank you for all the reviews and favorites. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

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Chapter Three

Nell growled lightly as she made sure that all her supplies were out of sight. A quick glance told her that everything was secure, but it did nothing to quell the irritation rising inside her. She could hear the pounding on her front door become more insistent as she quickly wiped at face. She rushed up her basement stairs as she quietly cursed whoever had come to her door. She was working by a deadline and she was nowhere near ready. Time was a precious commodity for her.

Sighing internally, Nell took a deep breath as she reached her door and flung it open. She was prepared to give a snide comment to whoever was standing on the other side – mostly because she was sure that it was one of the Shelbys'. Yet, she stopped in her tracks at a pair of familiar blue eyes that stared at her in panic. She had been correct in assuming that a Shelby was at her door, she just hadn't been expecting the youngest brother.

"Miss. Nell, ya 'ave to come!" Finn cried as he leapt forward to grab her hand.

It was more than obvious that the young boy had worked himself into a right state, but Nell wasn't one to budge in the face of such distraught. She nearly cursed as Finn's tugging nearly made her lurch forward, but managed to gain a better grasp on the boy as she twisted her wrist around, "Finn!"

The younger boy practically jumped up and down in frustration, "Please, Miss Nell! I can't find John or Aunt Polly."

"Finn, I'll come with you. I just need you to tell me what's going on." Nell stated calmly as she pulled him back a few steps to reach for her coat. She could practically hear Finn's disgruntlement and wondered vaguely if he had been taking lessons from Tommy.

"It's Will and Edward. Will won't stop crying and Edward won't move from the floor. The nanny was cursing somethin' wild when I left – and -and I didn't know what to do! John isn't at the 'ouse and neither is Aunt Polly!" Finn spewed as he finally managed to get Nell to follow after him. She fairly blinked at the rushed words, confusion apparent on her face as she tried to keep up with him both physically and mentally.

"Why is Will crying?" Nell demanded as she latched on to the most distressing part of Finn's spiel. She couldn't blame the nanny for cursing – John's children could make a saint lose his patience.

"I don't know!" Finn shouted, he quieted a second later as he added, "I think he's sick."

Nell rolled her eyes up as she prayed that the youngest Shelby was wrong, "Wonderful."

Finn didn't bother to comment at her dry tone as he rushed her towards John's apartments. His fretful face would have been heartbreaking if it weren't for the steely determination that rested in his eyes to help his family. Nell wouldn't have been surprised if one of the brothers had told Finn that it was his job to look after his nephews. The young boy would have taken the responsibility more seriously than any of the hired nannies.

The duo arrived at the apartments a moment later. Nell almost didn't want to go inside as she heard the ruckus from the curb. It was now obvious that Will was no longer the only crying child in that house. Holding in another sigh, she let Finn guide her up the steps into John's home wishing feebly to be elsewhere. This was what hell looked like she was sure of it. The house was a mess and the screaming only intensified as she stepped through the door. Nell winced as she heard baby Katie give a rather piercing cry, but the yelling of the nanny only seemed to be making things worse.

Will, not much older than his baby sister sat under the coat rack with mournful tears spilling down his face. This wasn't the crying of a child having a tantrum, this was the crying of a child who was overly-tired. Nell automatically reached out to touch the child's head to check for a fever. There was one present, his skin much too warm to be healthy. She bit her lip as she beckoned Will into her arms. The toddler came surprising quickly as he burrowed his face into her neck.

It was at this point the nanny finally noticed her and gave a relieved exclamation, "Helen! Oh thank God! I can't do this anymore. These children are 'orrible."

"Maggie-" Nell started reproachfully.

"I just can't do it. 'ere." Maggie quickly unloaded a crying Katie into Finn's startled arms as she made for the door, "I need to get outta this 'ouse."

It was only then that Nell noticed the tears streaming down Maggie's face. The woman truly was at her wit's end. Unfortunately, Nell didn't have a chance to calm the woman enough to stay before the door slammed shut leaving behind an unsure Finn and an awkward Nell who stared mournfully at the door. Cursing under her breath, she turned back to Finn as she pushed herself to take charge. She pointed into the sitting room, "Finn, lay Katie on her blanket over there."

She shifted Will onto her hip as she looked about for Edward, "Go into the kitchen and tell me if there's any food."

"There's not." A croaky voice called from the side of the sofa. Nell whipped around to see a groggy looking Edward curled up on the floor. The child looked absolutely miserable, "Da left money for Miss. Maggie to get some more stuff from the grocers. I think Katie needs more milk."

"Edward, how are you feelin?" Nell asked softly as she moved to his side. Her hand already checking for a fever. She could only frown as she felt his warm skin, as well. He twisted slightly causing his shirt to rise up and she caught sight of a series of small red bumps. She nearly groaned…chicken pox.

"My 'ead hurts." Edward murmured. He looked silently grateful that Will seem to have calmed as Katie downgraded her cries to quiet whimpers.

Nell nodded in sympathy as she glanced about the house. No food and she doubted that the money John had left was still in the house. She crinkled her brow in thought, "Where's Johnny?"

"School." Finn muttered as he stood off to the side.

"Thank God for small miracles." Nell nodded in understanding, before a thought occurred, "Why aren't you in school?"

Finn suddenly looked sheepish as he glanced away, "Ummm?"

"Nevermind." Nell muttered tiredly, "Go grab clothes for all the kids. We're going back to my 'ouse."

It took over three hours before Nell managed to get all the children cleaned and settled. Twice she had to send Finn to the grocers to pick up extra milk and food as she made sure he bought enough to fill John's kitchen as well. Tiredly, she gazed over the napping children resting in her guest bed. It was a foregone conclusion that the boys had chickenpox. She saw the rash all over their bodies as they bathed in cool water. She wouldn't be surprised if Finn and Katie caught it, as well. As it was, Katie showed no signs of being sick and Nell took the precaution of placing the baby in her room to sleep as she moved downstairs to prepare dinner.

"Finn!" She called, unsurprised to see the boy leaning over the stove to see what she had brewing in the pot. He looked up almost guiltily and Nell wondered when the boy last ate as it had grown late in the day, "One last run and when you get back supper should be ready."

Finn nodded tiredly, "What ya need?"

"Go find an adult in that blasted family of yours. I don't care if its John, Tommy, Polly or Arthur….jus find one." Nell commanded as she slipped him a piece of toffee, "And find the doctor after you find one of 'em."

Finn grinned laughingly as he headed out of the house, quietly munching on his toffee as he went. Nell was the only person who would give him treats before dinner. She shook her head as she watched him go. With a quick glance at the clock in the corner, she nearly groaned. It was nearing five o'clock. She'd be lucky to get the Shelby children out of her house by seven. An all-nighter was in the works for her.

Grumbling to herself, Nell set about finishing the stew she had started for the children. She had expected to be catering to whoever show up at her door to pick up the kids, what she hadn't expected was to be catering to almost the entire family. It had taken a little over forty minutes before knocking resounded on her door for the second time that day.

Nell pushed away from the stove to greet whoever had shown. She blinked in surprise as she stared into the faces of an anxious Polly and John, an impassive Tommy and an amused Arthur, holding a grinning Johnny by the collar. There was a long beat before Nell stepped aside and commented, "What? You couldn't bring Ada as well?"

"We were at the den." Polly started stringently as she bustled into the kitchen, "When Finn came rushing in -"

"All the little brat would fuckin say was that you demanded one of us to come 'ere because something was wrong with my kids." John picked up as he pulled his cap off, "Then went rushing back out the door yelling he had to go find a bleedin' doctor 'afore we had a chance to question him."

"The boys are sleeping in the guest room, both 'ave chicken pox and a fever." Nell explained as she watched Polly look about, halfway towards the stairs already.

"Fuckin' perfect." John muttered.

Nell ignored him as she continued, "Katie doesn't seem sick, I have her resting on my bed. Which means you-"

She turned and pointed at a wriggling Johnny, "No disturbing your siblings."

Both Tommy and Arthur snorted as the boy settled with a sly look on his face. One that hinted he knew he had some power in the current situation, "I want - Can I get a toffee?"

Nell raised an unimpressed brow as Johnny flashed her a suddenly angelic smile, "It's 'may I please 'ave' and if you behave and you'll get some after dinner."

"Yes, Aunt Nell." Johnny agreed triumphantly as he went skittering to play in the back lot of the house.

Nell rolled her eyes as she wandered back into the kitchen, not glancing back at the two older brothers as John had slipped upstairs to look over the kids himself. She hurriedly checked on her food as she hesitantly wondered if she had enough for everyone. Unthinkingly, she began to prepare a bottle of milk for the baby. She called over her shoulder, "So what's your two's excuse for tagging along?"

"Well, you did say I should stop by for a meal." Arthur stated with the same syrupy innocence that Johnny had just bestowed on her. Her narrowed eyed glance had him snickering as he added, "Wanted to see Aunt Nell in action, as well. Bit disappointed to find the kids are sick, would've been more fun otherwise."

Tommy shrugged as he slipped into a seat at her kitchen table. He had somehow managed to steal one of the cigarettes from the stove without her noticing, "Your name and doctor spoken in the same breath usually leads to some concern. Where was Maggie when this was 'appin?"

"That's somethin' I would like to fuckin know." John stated as he suddenly appeared in the kitchen, taking a seat next to his brother. Polly wasn't far behind as she cradled a fussy Katie. The bottle was passed over without much conversation.

Nell sighed and smiled thinly, "She 'ad a bit of a breakdown. Think all three children sick, cryin' and screamin' at once became a bit overwhelmin' for 'er. Finn came and fetched me when he couldn't find you lot."

"Useless woman." Polly muttered under her breath as she rocked Katie.

"She's not a mother, Polly." Nell admonished quietly, "Closest she's come is 'er little sister and they're only a few years apart."

Polly scoffed, disinterested in excuses, "You're not a mother either and you did just fine."

Nell snorted and nodded to the men sitting at the table, "That's only because I grew up with those three terrors...John's kids aren't too much worse."

Polly smothered a grin as the brothers suddenly raised protest. The conversation ran more smoothly after that as Finn arrived back with a doctor in tow, who only confirmed what Nell and the others knew. A small bottle of medicine was left to combat the boys fever, but beyond that not much else could be done. John scowled lightly as he tried to figure out what he would do with his children as they fought off the sickness.

Polly and Nell paid little attention to the boys as they passed out bowls and set aside food for the younger children. Nell's kitchen became a whirlwind of activity and it was well pass eight before the Shelbys began preparing their exit. She was handing over several cotton bags of food to John as Polly settled Katie into a carriage.

" 'ere's food for the week. There's extra milk in there for the little one. Medicine is in there, as well." Nell said quietly, a string of sympathy weaving through her at John's weary face.

He smiled softly as he murmured lowly, "Thank you, Nell. Don't know what I'd 'ave done without you."

"You'd figure it out." Nell quipped as she stepped away to help Polly.

She didn't get two steps before she heard John ask, "Do you think you could 'elp me out with the kids for a few days? I'll pay ya, Nell."

Nell winced and shook her head. Already she was behind on her work, she'd get nothing done with the kids, "I'm 'eading down to London for a few days – I leave tomorrow. I'm sorry John, I jus can't. Mrs. Mesbit down on the corner has been lookin for work. You might try 'er."

John nodded tiredly as he cajoled Arthur into helping him with the kids. Nell watched passively as the majority of the Shelbys exited her house. Tommy stayed behind, smoking another cigarette as he watched the proceedings his family made.

Nell raised a brow as she grabbed a smoke of her own, "You lingerin' for a reason?"

"Can't 'ave a chat with an old friend?" Tommy queried dryly as he studied her. He looked like a king pressed back into his throne as he addressed her.

She found it mildly irritating and was beginning to understand Arthur's frustration, "Tommy, what'd ya want?"

"What's this about you goin to London?" Tommy returned, the question for a question always drove her mad in the past.

"I'm goin to London. Not much more to it." Nell answered vaguely.

"Why?"

"I 'ave some business to attend."

"Business?"

"Business."

Tommy sighed in irritation as he finished off his cigarette, "What business, Nell?"

"My business that's all you need to know." Nell answered quietly.

It always seemed like a battle of wills between the two of them. She refused to give an inch and he refused to stop pushing. Tommy's eyes flashed dangerously and Nell held back a sigh. She could feel a headache coming on as he leaned forward, "Are you whorin'?"

"I should slap you." Nell mused lightly as she put her forgotten cigarette out, "Why do you want to know, Tommy eh?"

"That's a stupid question." Tommy snapped, suddenly wishing he had a drink in hand. There had been a time when he knew everything about the woman sitting across him. From the way she would laugh when she would miss-step during a dance to the way she tasted after flinging nasty words at him…but they had changed. He barely knew her anymore.

"It's really not." Nell snapped back, "What's with the sudden curiosity, eh? We haven't talked properly in years, let alone spent much time together - "

"Well we're talking now, aren't we!" Tommy curled his fingers as he tried to contain the urge to move, to shout, "You're family, Nell. Doesn't matter that you don't carry the Shelby name. You 'ave always been a part of this fuckin' family."

"My family's dead, Tommy." Nell murmured, suddenly feeling very tired, "You should go."

She sighed as she pushed away from the table. She moved into the sitting room, her eyes catching the shadows of the street. She didn't want to watch him leave, didn't want him to see deep-seated pain that wouldn't go away. The floor creaked behind her and she knew he was standing there. Could feel his icy gaze boring into her back, "Nell, I'm sorry I wasn't 'ere."

"Tommy…" Nell sighed warningly, not bothering to turn around.

"Your mother was a good woman. She didn't deserve to die so soon and I'm sorry I wasn't 'ere for you…like you were for me." Tommy said quietly as he leaned in her doorway. Silently, he begged her to turn around and say something. He muffled a curse as he continued, "Aunt Poll said you disappeared after she died. Were gone for a few years."

Nell clenched her eyes shut as pushed back at the tears that threatened to fall. She couldn't do this. Taking a deep breath, she finally turned to face him, "Tommy stop pushing, because I'm not gonna answer."

"I need to know that you're alright." He stated wearily, "I need to know that you're not -"

"Whorin'?" Nell finished quietly as she moved before him. She gently touched a hand to his cheek, "I'm not whorin'. And I'm alright."

He stared at her a moment, "Liar."

Nell smirked sadly before leaning up to press a chaste kiss to his cheek, "Yea…Thank you for looking out for me, but it's not necessary. Go home, Tommy."

He shook his head as he watched her leave up the stairs. He suddenly felt a million years old. He wished they were sixteen again.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I'm supposed to be working...but slow days and all. I'm going to pause from this story for a little bit as I work on my other story Bear and Birdie. I tried to do this a little more from Tommy's perspective and also show Arthur in a more authoritative role as big brother before the war happened. Thank you for all the reviews. I enjoy hearing from you, especially all the constructive criticism.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine

* * *

 **Chapter Four**

"That looks really good, Arthur."

Tommy paused in his work inside the stable as he heard Nell's voice drift through the air. He frowned for a moment wondering what she was doing at Charlie's and not in class. Placing his pitch off to the side, he turned to wander out into the front lot. Arthur was leaning against the wall, a wrinkled piece of paper shared between himself and Nell as he talked quietly. Tommy could see a small glimmer of pride brimming in his brother as he smiled a little bashfully. It always amazed him how much more gentle Arthur became around the women of their family.

Nell, for her part, grinned back as she admired whatever was on the paper. He had a feeling that Arthur had been sketching the horses again. Yet, as he approached the couple, his eyes took in the freshly pressed dress, and carefully coiffed hair that Nell was sporting. His gaze narrowed slightly as she turned and he was better able to see a faint staining of rouge on her cheeks. Why was she wearing cosmetics?

As if sensing his stare, Nell glanced up with a smile that quickly turned, mischievous as she noted his muddy shoes and dirt stained slacks, "Been rollin' around in the hay?"

"Could say that. Been 'elpin, Uncle Charlie out." Tommy returned with his own smile which quickly turned a little snarkier as Nell reached forward to pluck a piece of yellow straw from his hair.

Arthur snorted, "Don't you know he's part horse."

"Mm, I believe it." Nell agreed.

Tommy shook his head in exasperation while he leaned up to peer over the edge of the paper that they had been scrutinizing. Sure enough, the smooth lines that were strewn across the page portrayed a horse trotting through a pasture. Nell was right, Arthur was getting good, "You been sketching while I'm killin' myself moving things around in the stable?"

"Not my fault you told Charlie you'd 'elp." Arthur countered cockily as he folded the paper to slide into his pocket, "You're the one that wanted a lil' extra cash while you pal around with Freddie tonight. It would make no sense for me to be doin' your work, eh?"

Tommy snorted as he nudged his brother, "Oh I don't know. Makes perfect sense to me. Aren't you supposed to do everything for me as you are, correct me if I'm wrong, my big brother?"

"Ha, only in your dreams." Arthur laughed.

"One of these days, big brother…one of these days." Tommy teased as he danced out of Arthur's reach. The trio laughed lightly before Tommy let his gaze land back on the done up Nell. His smile turned curious, "What are you doin' 'ere anyway? No school today?"

Nell rolled her eyes, "School got out over an hour ago. You'd know that if you'd bother to attend more than once a month."

Both boys made a face that Nell shook her head at. It was amazing that they could read in her opinion, "Mum had some mendin' for Uncle Charlie, was just droppin' it off when I saw tall and broody 'ere."

Tommy grinned as she clapped Arthur exaggeratingly on the back while his brother rolled his eyes, "I'm not broody….I'm mysterious."

"Mysteriously lazy." Tommy muttered causing the elder Shelby to scowl, not that he paid much attention. He raised a hand and gestured toward Nell's outfit, "You 'ad to get all dressed up to drop off mending?"

"O'course not, don't be stupid." Nell muttered feeling a little self-conscious that she was being called out on how she looked.

Surprisingly, Arthur seemed to sense her uncertainty as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He gave her a quick wink before he said boastfully, "Why Nell got all gussied up just for us, Tommy? Ah, she knows 'ow to turn a head."

"Arthur!" Nell cried laughingly as she shrugged off his arm. Despite the fact that she knew they were teasing, a faint blush still crossed her cheeks.

"Oh look at this! You're blushin', you are." Arthur crowed before yelping a second later as Nell landed a punch on his arm. He rubbed it mockingly as if in true pain.

Tommy chuckled quietly at the sight, "That's what you get for teaching 'er how to hit."

Arthur took in the defiant eyes of their curly brown haired girl with a nod as he snickered quietly, "I was hopin' she'd jus hit you."

Nell rolled her eyes at the eldest Shelby's antics, " _She_ is standing right 'ere and is more than willing to hit both of ya."

Tommy snorted, "Like to see you try."

That was all it took for the wildfire that he so like to tease out of her to ignite in Nell's stormy eyes. He chuckled loudly as he dodged her attempts at landing a hit on him as they cavorted about the yard. Arthur stood off to the side, laughing as he watched the two, shouting encouragements to Nell as Tommy leaped about like monkey. He nearly cursed as his foot stepped wrong and he nearly went falling onto his behind. The slow movement was all Nell needed as she finally placed a good hit to his chest. He grunted lowly at the impact as Nell cried out triumphantly. Tommy couldn't help the laugh that spilled from his lips at her obvious delight. One glance at Arthur and suddenly the trio dissolved into a snickering mess at their ridiculousness.

Tommy rubbed lightly at his chest as he nudged the still laughing Nell. He nodded down to her once finely pressed dress, "Looks like you've been rollin' around in the hay now, as well."

Nell groaned quietly at the sight, "Oh no…It's not that bad, is it?"

"Nah, just a bit of dust." Tommy said with a shrug, "What'd you care for? It's jus us."

"If you must know." Nell began slightly miffed as she tried to pat off the 'dust' as Tommy called it, "I'm meetin' Michael for a picture in a bit."

"Meetin? As in a date?" Arthur asked incredulously with a quick glance towards his brother and nearly winced at the distant look he found.

"It's just a picture, Arthur." Nell murmured uncomfortably, though both boys could see the muted excitement that lingered in her features as she thought of her impending date, because that is exactly what it was.

Tommy huffed quietly, "You wouldn't be so dressed up if it was jus a picture. Does your mum know?"

"Why? Gonna tell on me again, Tommy?" Nell snapped and this time Arthur did groan as he felt their previously good mood turn sour. Arthur looked up with a prayer, it was always amazing how quickly the two before him could go from playful humor to spitting mad with each other.

Tommy's eyes glittered darkly, "I don't like 'im, Nell."

"Shockin'." Nell drawled not impressed, she drew herself up and finished dusting off her clothes before she sent him a sharp smile, "Though, I should thank you. If you 'adn't said anything to mum then I doubt I would be goin' to the pictures tonight."

Tommy was caught somewhere between baffled and suspicious as he tried not to respond to her comment

Arthur for his part, managed to stay quiet as he waited for his brother to finish duking it out with Nell. He had learned a long time ago that arguing with the waspish young girl stung more than it was worth, yet Tommy seemed to enjoy their little tiffs considering how often they occurred.

"Yea..." Nell finished sagely, "She wanted to meet Michael after your lil' comment about 'im being my beau. Charmed 'er, he did. Asked 'er permission to take me out...and well." Her hands spread wide as her appearance more than finished her statement.

Tommy's jaw clenched slightly, "An' now you're meetin' 'im. He can't even pick you up from 'ome? What a gentleman he is."

"Actually, I insisted we meet as I knew I 'ad errands for mum to do. So he is a gentleman actually." Nell retorted with a huff. She took a deep breath before turning to Arthur, her voice a little more gentle, "It was good to see you. I wanna see your next sketch, yea?"

Arthur nodded, not wanting to say anything as he was much too aware of the tension still lingering in the air. Nell bit back a sigh as she turned to leave, "I'll see you two later."

Tommy merely grunted as he glared after her. Arthur managed a subdued, "Later, Nell."

The two stood in silence a moment before the elder Shelby sighed dramatically, "God 'elp us all when you two finally start datin'."

Tommy's glare abruptly turned onto his brother, making Arthur snicker, "What? We all know you fancy 'er...Well, everyone, but Nell."

"She's like a sister, Arthur." Tommy dismissed as moved back toward the stables to get his coat and hat.

Arthur snorted as he followed behind, "Yea, a sister you wanna kiss."

He had to duck as Tommy suddenly picked up a lump of dirt to throw at him. At least Arthur hoped it was dirt. He chuckled quietly at his younger brother's irritation, but knew that he would spend the rest of the night in a funk.

Knowing that Nell would probably make him regret what he was about to do, he pushed his hat up as he calmly stated, "Alright, let's get ya cleaned up and grab Freddie. I'm sure Nell could use a chaperone on 'er date."

Tommy paused as he turned to stare at Arthur speculatively. A devilish glint had entered the younger boys eyes and Arthur felt a stirring of excitement and worry. Oh Nell was definitely going to murder them. He smiled benignly as he mocked his little brother a bit more, "After all, what kind of brothers lets their sister go out with a strange boy all on 'er lonesome."

"That's right. It would be our duty." Tommy murmured as a dark grin crossed his features. He slapped his hat on as he chuckled brightly, "Let's go, Arthur."

Definitely going to kill them, Arthur thought tiredly as he followed after his brother again.

* * *

 **Present Day**

Tommy quietly puffed on his cigarette as he watched Nell from across the station. After their little argument the night before he needed to see that she was alright. The weary pain he had seen in her grey eyes had shaken him to the core. His fiery Nell was never supposed to know that kind of pain...and he couldn't be sure it was all from grief over her mother. He grimaced sadly as he thought of how the vivacious Sadie Donovan was no longer with them. He hadn't been lying when he had said she had been too young.

Yet, as he stared at Nell and the dark spots that glared out from beneath her lids, he knew she wasn't alright. She hadn't slept that much was obvious as she handed her things to the baggage porter, a ticket was tucked firmly in hand.

Sighing quietly, he turned to address the young man standing next to him. A runner from the shop that had proved his loyalty on more than one occasion, "Take this ticket and get on the train. You follow Nell and tell me everything she gets up to. I don't care 'ow bloody borin' it may be, you don't let 'er out of your sight. If she gets into trouble you better 'elp her out. Understood?"

"Understood, Mr. Shelby." The runner said with a brisk nod.

"Get on then." Tommy said dismissively as he turned back to watch Nell board.

It was true that they had drifted apart since the war. He hadn't been ready for her to see the damaged man he had become, not realizing that she had become damaged herself in their time away from each other.

Polly had hinted at it.

Mentioning how Nell hadn't been the same since Sadie's passing or how she kept too much to herself. There had been whispers of her receiving strange guests at odd hours of the night and then there were times like now when she suddenly would take off for a few days.

He hadn't thought much of it, more concerned with trying to adapt back to his home life and then with keeping the family business afloat. He had never found it odd that Nell had never really sought him out. He should have though, because that was what they did...they came to each other all the time. At least they used to. And he understood why he didn't seek her out anymore, but he didn't understand was why she stopped.

It had been something of a surprise to find out that Arthur and John had more of a relationship with Nell nowadays than he did. She had always been another little sister to Arthur, but John use to terrorize her something horrible. To see the soft looks and gentle words shared between the two the night before, had left a sour taste in his mouth until he realized that Nell looked at John in the same protective way he did...as an irritating little brother.

He had been a little shocked when Polly had told him that Nell had disappeared for a few years. Almost the entire time they had been gone for the war. She had boarded the house and just left...Polly couldn't even say when Nell had returned exactly as she had never stopped by the Shelby house. Ada had been the one to discover her return and drag her over for dinner, the younger girl happy to have another female to talk to.

It had been like they were having dinner with a ghost, Polly had said. She had never seen the normally defiant girl so quiet.

 _"Bit like 'ow you were, when you first came back."_

Tommy quietly hoped those words weren't true. He had been a mess when he had first returned...he couldn't count the number of times he wished he was back in the tunnels or simply dead. Coming back had been harder than he wanted to admit.

He remembered the quiet cloud of weariness and anxiety that had shrouded Nell the night she had wandered into the pasture. It was obvious that coming to the grassy field had been a normal routine for her. She wouldn't have been able to settle so quickly in the shadowy blackness of the field otherwise. He didn't like the fact that she walked the distance...she knew better what kind of life lurked in Birmingham at night. Her lack of concern had only served to irritated him. Yet, he found himself grateful for her presence on that dark night. He had his own trouble sleeping and hadn't had the desire to turn to the pipe.

Her presence had been a curiosity, but also like a homecoming. He couldn't count the number of times they had spent the night outside together. Pointing out stars and swapping secrets when they were little had turned into stealing kisses and resting in each others arms as they had grown older. That night it had been a strange mix of watching stars, old memories and companionable silence. It was almost like time hadn't passed for them. It was then Tommy realized how much he had missed her.

Now, he couldn't stop thinking about her. It was almost as bad as when they had been teenagers. The only difference now was that they both had secrets and Tommy was finding that he didn't like not knowing everything about his childhood friend. He also didn't like the cold flame that burned in her eyes nowadays...He missed the wildfire that used to be sparked so easily.

The train conductor made one last call before the train's horn blared and the engine chugged to life. Tommy stayed long enough to watch the train pull away before he made his way back to the gambling den. He had neglected business long enough.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Alright, so apparently my muse is only whispering to me on this story. Though I did get some headway done for Bear and Birdie...but really I'm a little too fascinated by Nell and Tommy. Thank you for the reviews. I always love hearing from you guys and always welcome constructive criticism - how else can we improve? :) Please read and enjoy.

Disclaimer: I won what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Five**

 **Present**

"Miss Donovan?"

Nell blinked tiredly as she looked up from her cooling tea. She had slept little on the train into London. The rickety movement of the tracks and the more boisterous passengers had served to give her a headache. It had been something of a relief to finally check into her hotel. Now as she sat in the hotel's restaurant she felt like she could simply drift off into a dreamless sleep. Yet, she forced herself to focus on the almost spritely brown eyes that peered at her anxiously. She smiled benignly, "Oliver, 'ow are you?"

"I'm well, Miss Donovan." The younger man answered almost bashfully. He seemed to shuffle in place for a moment as he considered his next words. Nell watched amusedly as he chose to stick with polite decorum before heading straight for business, "And you, Miss?"

"Miserable, but such is my lot in life." Nell answered dryly as she sipped at her tea. She hid a smile as she saw Oliver flounder about for a reply, not expecting her to not follow the usual dictates of decorum. She took pity after a moment as she gestured toward the chair across from her, "But, I doubt you're 'ere to listen to an old spinster complain. Come now, what news do you bring me?"

"I would never describe you as an old spinster -"

"Then you should call me, Nell, not Miss. Donovan."

Oliver, for the second time, was at a loss for words. He recovered quickly as he saw the grin that Nell couldn't hide for the life of her, he sighed nervously, "I always feel like I'm going to have a breakdown when you come to visit."

Nell laughed quietly as she moved her tea to the side, "I'm sorry, Oliver. You just make it so easy."

"It's alright, Miss. Donovan. Between you and Mr. Solomon, you'd think I'd be used to it by now." Oliver murmured wearily as he glanced half-heartedly at the tea pot, wishing that it was a tumbler of brandy. He needed to find a new job, "Mr. Solomon has to cancel your appointment for tonight, some unexpected business has come up. He wishes to see you tomorrow evening, however, would this be convenient for you?"

Nell frowned unhappily, Alfie was not the only person she had been slated to see on her trip. Meeting with him later would require her to rearrange her schedule. She stifled a sigh, "No, it would not be convenient, but I can make it work. Tell Alfie that our meeting will 'ave to be shorter than usual – no later than seven o'clock."

"Very well, Miss. Donovan. Also, I would like you to note that you have someone taking an unusual amount of interest in you. He's sitting at the bar and has been gradually been moving closer, I'm assuming so he can overhear our conversation." Oliver said as he glanced quickly over her shoulder.

Nell smirked faintly, but didn't turn to look. She knew exactly who Oliver was speaking of, the lanky teenager that had lounged tensely in her car of the train had captured her attention almost the moment he had come aboard. She had been tempted to scare him off then, but her innate curiosity had won out as she decided to let him stay. Tommy was usually much better at his snooping, "I'm aware. He's harmless."

"One of yours then?"

Nell shook her head, "No, he's spying on me. My… _family_ 'as recently taken interest into my, let's call them, extracurricular activities and are less than pleased with my answers."

Oliver snorted slightly as he imagined what torment the woman before him would wreak on the boy. He didn't envy the spy at all. Yet, he wasn't completely oblivious to everything. Nell's tone and tired demeanor were enough to let him know that she was just as irritated with the situation as she was amused. He supposed the news of having to reschedule her business meeting had only exacerbated the situation. He shrugged thoughtlessly, "We could take care of him for you. An apology for rescheduling?"

Nell shook her head, "No. As I said he's harmless…besides I don't think his employer would be too pleased with me if I let something h'appen to 'im."

"Fair enough." Oliver said standing. He gave her a small smile and a nod goodbye, "I'll be off. Until later, Miss. Donovan."

"Nell, Ollie, its Nell." She responded teasingly as she waved him off.

She chuckled lightly as she watched the now blushing Oliver walk out of the restaurant. Almost immediately after he was out of sight a waiter appeared at her side to clear her tea away. She pulled the underpaid servant aside and handed him a few pounds with a nod toward her spy, "Give the gentleman at the bar a drink, would you please?"

"Yes, ma'm." The waiter said after a dubious moment. Nell tried not to smile at the waiter's wariness, Tommy's boy was not dressed for the Warrington Hotel and stood out like a sore thumb, but it was time to let the boy know she was aware that he was present. She stayed in the room long enough for her spy to receive his drink. A small chuckle escaping her as she observed his astonished reaction. This was going to be fun. The waiter gestured in her direction and a faint smirk spread across her mouth as the boy suddenly looked very nervous. She gave him the two finger salute as she rose to depart the restaurant. It was time to get some rest. The day had been too long already.

Only she wasn't able to rest once she was in her room. She took her time bathing and pampering herself, dinner was only a memory as she wrapped a satiny robe around her body before resting on the chaise by the window. A sense of melancholy trickled through her as she stared out into the London night. She always felt suffocated when she arrived in Britain's foggy city, too many memories, more bad than good, stuck with her in this dark place. It was the second place she had run to after her mother's death and the first place she had been sent to after she had been wounded in the war.

If she closed her eyes, she could still hear her anguished cries…both times. She huffed sardonically and leaned back into the chaise, both longing and fearing sleep. As if someone sensed her dilemma, a stringent knock sounded at her door, stirring her from her morose musings before she fell in too deep. She frowned as she rose to answer, "Who is it?"

"It's your local wandering Jew, luv. Open the door, would ya." A grizzled voice called through the door.

Nell raised an amused brow as she undid the lock and pulled the door back enough to peer out into the hallway. A pair of darkly curious eyes stared back at her and Nell was instantly reminded that she was only in a robe and her wavy tresses were loose while he was more put together than she had ever seen him. She had to stifle her self-conscious need to fix her hair as she gave him a dry stare, "You cancelled."

"I did – I did." Alfie said with a nod as he narrowed his eyes slightly, "Then young Ollie told me 'ow disappointed you were, darling."

"Disappointed is not the word I'd use, Alfie." Nell stated sternly as she stepped away from the door to allow him entrance, "Irritated, annoyed…those would be better choices."

Alfie smiled vaguely as he followed after her, making sure the door was shut as he went. He took in her undressed state in appreciation, "Well, you don't seem too annoyed now, luv. I mean…this is one of the better welcomes I've gotten from you."

"Pig." Nell murmured as she draped herself over the chaise again, "It's late, Alfie."

"That it is, luv, that it is." Alfie agreed as he sidled up to her on the chaise, a shy smile painting his usually scrutinizing features, "Took me a far minute to avoid your boy downstairs. Sharp lad, that one."

"Mmm." Nell hummed noncommittally as she rested her head in her hand and waited.

"Do I need to be worried, Nell?"

"About?"

Alfie looked at her seriously, his countenance grim beneath his smile, "Oh I don't know, a jealous lover, per'aps? Or a spying government official snooping for information. You tell me."

"No…no jealous lover. No spying government official." Nell said soothingly, "I hate to be the one to tell you, Alfie…but I think only the local coppers are interested in your bakery."

"Oh, but I've 'ad my fingers in a good many pies lately, my dear Nell." Alfie countered softly. His eyes flashed almost dangerously and she couldn't help the thrill that flowed through her at the sight, "Can never be too careful."

"Mmm, you know I don't want to hear about your business." Nell murmured with as much disinterest that she could muster. She nodded toward the table in the corner, a stack of envelopes resided on top, "I'm merely here to deliver documents, pick up payment and leave….But you already know that."

There was a moment of silence as Alfie stared thoughtfully at the table. Nell could practically see the wheels turning in his head and held in a sigh. She had done this dance with him a million times.

"This Mr. Bennett truly is a masterful forger to get these documents done so quickly. One of these days, my dear Nell, I must meet 'im." Alfie arched a brow at her as he turned his attention away from the table, "You know I don't like doing business with people I've never met – don't like it all."

"Mr. Bennett likes 'is privacy. You not being able to identify 'im is more for 'is protection." Nell stated sagely, too use to this argument to be caught off guard by it, " 'Sides if you did meet 'im, you wouldn't get to see me."

"Ah, and that would be a sad day, wouldn't it?" Alfie's shy smile returned, "I don't suppose you'd be willing to push off business until the morning…Specially since I now know there's no jealous lovers to be worried about."

Nell chuckled lowly, "You're lucky I like you."

"Aren't I just?" Alfie agreed as he leaned in to capture her lips. Nell hummed quietly as his beard tickled her face, "I 'ave missed you."

"I doubt that." She murmured back as she knocked off his hat.

He pushed back the sleeve of her robe a devilish glimmer entering his eyes, "I'll just 'ave to prove it then, won't I?"

Nell hummed in agreement as she let herself succumb fully to his ministrations. It had been far too long.

xXx

 **Past**

He had spent far too long in silence, Tommy sighed in irritation as he stared at the girl before him, "You'll 'ave to speak to me some time."

Nell cocked an eyebrow that said more than any words could and he knew that he was in for a world of misery. He didn't think that she would be this mad with him. He had only been joking, but it had been almost two weeks and she still hadn't said a word to him. As far as he knew, Arthur and Freddie were residing in the same boat, as well. Tommy bit the inside of his cheek as he tried to think of a way to get her silence to end. An apology hadn't work, neither had gifts…

"Alright, now we must take our positions." Madam Tillia called as she swept into her ballroom. She barely spared the two teenagers a glance, having grown used to the tense silence in the passing weeks. In honesty, she loved the drama of it all, the tension only added to her student's dancing.

Tommy turned and offered his hand to Nell. He tried not sigh again as he met her cool gaze, "Nell, I am sorry."

She rolled her eyes as she settled her left hand on his shoulder while he raised her right. He wondered if she really knew he wasn't sorry for what he did, but was more sorry for how much it upset her. He hadn't been able to stop himself. When he saw Michael Bennett lean down to kiss her, it had taken every ounce of his self-control to not beat the boy right then and there….

He had been oddly quiet that night as he watched Nell on her date with Michael. Arthur and Freddie had spent more time throwing popcorn at them and making inane comments, but he couldn't bring himself to join. He had watched the way she had softly smiled at the older boy, the way she giggled when he whispered something. He had been struck dumb. He had never seen Nell act like that in his life. She didn't giggle, she didn't wear makeup and she sure as hell had never shown any interest in being kissed by a boy before. Frankly, Tommy had been too busy trying to figure out where one of his best friends had disappeared to join in the shenanigans the other two boys had been making.

It had honestly been a stroke of genius when he saw Peggy Sander sitting in a few rows away. The girl had a crush on Arthur for longer than he cared to remember and all it had taken were a few sweet words from his older brother to get the girl to throw herself at the Bennett boy. Oh, the look of horror on the older boy's face had been priceless when he had pulled away from Nell, only to be accosted by the seventeen-year-old blonde bellowing about how much she needed her Mikey-boy. Peggy had gone all out as she landed one of the sloppiest kisses that Tommy had ever seen on Michael. It was only then that he realized that Nell wasn't fully paying attention to Peggy and Michael, but was staring up at the three snickering boys with a look of hurt and fury. It was a look that told Tommy that they had gone too far.

Now, he had her right in front of him, she was in his arms even…but she couldn't have been further away. A stiffness laced through her body that hadn't been there prior to the Peggy incident. It was like she would rather be anywhere, but with him. He whispered almost raggedly, "Nell, please…"

Her eyes flared at him like an icy fire before he led her through a turn. Madam Tillia called direction somewhere in the background. He, truthfully, couldn't be bothered to listen. He only wanted to hear Nell's voice, even if it was just to yell at him.

"Alright! Enough!" Madam Tillia called. She seemed to glide across the floor to the duo, an odd frown coating her face as she studied them. As much as she loved the drama, too much coldness had settled into the teenagers fight for it to communicate well with their dancing. They were missing the heat that had been apparent at the beginning of their fight. Tommy was no longer infuriated by Nell's silence, as he was weary of it, "You two will stay 'ere until you fix whatever it is you broke."

The baleful stares she received from both teenagers bespoke of how much they thought that would happen. Tillia fairly stomped her foot, "I am locking you in!"

Nell and Tommy both blinked in surprise as their teacher left the room before they could protest. The click of a lock made good on her threat…Tommy always knew that woman was crazy. Silently, he was grateful for the chance the abrupt dancer had given him as he turned back to Nell, "What do you want me to do?"

She had turned her back to him as she looked out the ballroom windows. He stepped up next to her, he could still see the blank anger present in her eyes. He flung his hands into the air, "Tell me, what do you want me to do? How can I fix this?"

"You can disappear."

Tommy stopped, stunned at her whispered words. An ache crawled through him at her cold tone, "Nell-"

"You embarrassed me. You embarrassed Michael. For what, Tommy? Your amusement?" Nell lectured quietly and while he could see the anger still lingering, he saw the pain too. She glared up at him, "You're supposed to be my friend."

"I am-"

She cut him off again, "No. No, you weren't being my friend that night. I don't even know if I still want to be friends with you."

Tommy felt like he had been struck, "Nell…it was just a stupid joke."

"I'm not laughing, Tommy." Her grey eyes watered slightly and she glanced away. Her first date had been ruined by her best friend. The boy she liked could barely look at her. It was all just a mess.

Tommy swallowed tightly before he latched onto her hand with determination, "I'll fix it, Nell. I can fix this."

"How?" Nell questioned suspiciously.

"I don't know…but I'll fix it, I promise." He meant it too. He wasn't going to lose Nell over some over some stupid prank. He refused to let that happen.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I think I have a constant stream of Nell and Tommy arguments going on in my head. I don't know why I love them arguing so much. Anywho thank you for the review LuckyLily. Please read, enjoy and review everyone :)

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Six**

 **Present**

Nell smiled softly as she gazed at the snoring man in her bed. Unconsciously, her hands finished rolling up her stockings as she donned the rest of her clothes. It was growing late in the morning and she had appointments to keep. Buttoning the last of her blouse, Nell turned back to the still slumbering Jew, "Alfie wake up."

He snorted slightly and flinched a little before settling once again. His head became more buried into the goose-down pillow and Nell briefly worried about his eye being skewered by a feather tip, before realizing that such a situation would actually wake the man up. Shaking her head, she grabbed the pillow next to him and let it slapped down on his head, "Alfie!"

He jerked awake at the impact of the fluffy object, his blue eyes wild as he looked about for a threat. Nell couldn't stop her smirk when his gaze finally landed on her and his alarm turned to tired exasperation. She tossed the pillow at him before picking his clothes up to throw at his head, as well, "Time to get up, Alfie. And for you to go."

Alfie grumbled lowly as pulled his shirt off his head. He watched wearily as Nell buzzed about the room, gathering her things together while simultaneously reading the morning paper. He only noticed, once she stilled, the cart in the corner with hot tea and toast. Vaguely, he wondered if Nell had slept at all, but the amused twinkle in her grey eyes showed him a much more alert woman than the one he had encountered the night before. Sighing, he pulled on his trousers and undershirt before heading to the breakfast cart, "Nell darling, it's entirely too fuckin' early for you to be this awake."

His hand reached out to wrap around her waist as brushed past him, firmly pulling her against him as he bent to kiss the crook of her neck. Nell laughed lightly as her eyes twinkled up at him, "It's 'alf-past eight."

"Too fuckin' early." Alfie reiterated as he brushed his lips over hers, "We should stay in bed all day."

Nell pushed him away with a small smile, all men were the same, "Sorry, luv, but I 'ave things to do – and you're not one of them."

"Could be." Alfie murmured as he poured a cup of tea, the hopeful glance he shot her reminded Nell of a puppy.

She dismissed him with a wave, "Don't you 'ave a _bakery_ to run?"

"Ollie can take care of things. It's what I pay 'im for anway." He swiped the paper from Nell's hand as he sat on the chaise with his tea in the other hand. He would have been more than happy to waste the day away with Nell, the fact that she didn't want to, only made him want to more. He smirked faintly as she threw a pointed glance at his shirt and slacks still laying on the bed. It was always fun to ruffle her feathers. His smile dimmed a moment later as she tossed an envelope into his lap, "Woman, must you throw everything at me?"

"Yes. I'm 'opin' I can knock some sense into ya." Nell said drolly as she took a sip of his tea. It was odd how domestic she and Alfie had become over the years. She tried not to dwell on it as she watched him lift the envelope with a suspicious stare. His brow furrowed and she tried not to roll her eyes. She pulled his glasses from the night stand with a sigh, "I don't know why you try to read things you can't see."

Alfie huffed, "I can see just fine. I just can't read tiny scribble anymore, is all."

"Mmm." Nell hummed unimpressed as he finally donned his glasses and opened the envelope.

A low whistle erupted as he held the transport documents up to the morning light. He smiled brightly at her, "These are perfect, luv."

"Good." Nell said disinterestedly as she finished his tea, "Usual fee, plus ten for the extras you wanted."

Alfie balked as he placed the papers back in the envelope, "Ten? Ten? Nah luv, five. Ten is highway robbery, that is."

"Ten, Alfie or no extras." Nell said simply.

The two stared hard at each other for a moment before Alfie grumbled lowly and found his coat. He pulled out two rolls of notes and placed them on the table, "Usual fee. I don't have the extra ten on me."

"That's fine." She reached across the chaise to the end table that held the hotel stationary. Alfie watched curiously as she jotted down an address and name, "Have one of your boys send the money here. They'll know what to do with it….And Alfie?"

Alfie paused as he reached for the slip, he took her dark stare in warily, "Hmm?"

"If the full ten isn't there, I'll make sure your transport papers aren't worth even a bite of your bread. Understood?" She asked sweetly.

"Understood, luv." He chuckled lightly as he took the paper. There weren't many people he would let threaten him, but he always did have a soft spot for Nell, ever since she had smacked him with a bedpan in a field hospital. He smiled teasingly, "Your worse than a shark."

Nell rolled her eyes.

"You eat me up and spit me back out, you do. You should come work for me, darling." Alfie tilted his head to side, serious in his offer, though unsurprised when Nell declined.

"I like my job, Alfie."

It was Alfie's turn to roll his eyes, "You're a bloody delivery boy. You hand over papers and receive money. Nell, it's not much of a fuckin job. You 'ave a good 'ead for business, you should be workin' for me, luv."

"Doing what, exactly? Balancing the books? Negotiating with your associates? Forgive me, if I don't want to end up in Sabini's purview or whatever other monster you do business with..." Nell argued as began loading her handbag with the papers she would need for her appointments.

"I am a monster and you seem fine with me." Alfie flung back cutting through her dispute.

Nell sighed as she turned back to him, "Alfie, you're a monster with honor."

"I don't even know 'ow to respond to that statement." Alfie said befuddled and nearly thrown from his argument with her, which was probably the point. He shifted to cup her face, "Nell darling, I just want you to consider it, alright?"

"Yea, alright." She pacified, even though she had no intention of considering anything.

Alfie seemed to sense this as he frowned at her reproachfully, he never did like being told no. Holding in a sigh, he finished buttoning his shirt and pulling on his coat. It was time for him to leave, he pulled on his hat and gave Nell a quick peck on the cheek, "Cheers luv, I'll see you tonight."

Nell's eyes widen, "Tonight?"

"You told Ollie, seven. I'll be back at seven." Alfie stated as he slid out the door. A twisted smirk crossed his face as he heard Nell shouting after him.

Nell, for her part, threw her hands up in exasperation. Spending time with Alfie wasn't an unusual occurrence whenever she came to London, but usually it wasn't more than few hours, a night at the most. She wondered what he was playing at now. As it was she needed to get out the door herself.

She was halfway to putting her coat on when she remembered her little friend downstairs. She cursed quietly, suddenly she wanted to throttle Tommy. It had taken him two years to start asking questions, honestly she had expected this type reaction much sooner, but now that Tommy's curiosity had peaked there was little she could do but stay quiet.

Huffing, she grabbed her bag and made for the stairs. It was time to ditch her spy. The Warrington Hotel was as familiar to her as the back of her hand and she was willing to bet that she knew London's streets a far cry better than Tommy's runner.

Nell wasn't proud to admit it, but it took her far longer than it should have to give Tommy's runner the slip. She wondered vaguely what the hell Tommy was paying the kid as she turned down alleys and side streets. To anyone watching her, it seemed as if she were aimlessly wandering, but she was gradually heading for the southeast corner of the city. She knew she was close when the acrid scent of fish began to fill the air. Her nose crinkled in distaste as she turned the corner to Billingsgate. The fish mongers were doing their best to get rid of their wares, but she paid them little mind as she made her way through the market to a lone stall with a grizzled looking man. She didn't speak to him and he only had to glance at her before sliding an old metal key across the wooden table. She took it without a second thought as she glided past the stall into a darken corridor that held one door.

A cool breeze drifted across her face as she paused before the door. Nell took a deep breath as she turned the key in the lock, only then realizing how much she hated this place.

xXx

 **Past**

Loud jeering and music filled Birmingham's country air. Five gypsy families had come together to celebrate the end of summer and the precession that led to horse season this year. Nell had never seen such a larger gathering before…at least not amongst her gypsy kin. She giggled as she watched Arthur and Freddie toss back drink after drink as they tried to outdo one another. Freddie had been in awe of the whole spectacle. It was the first time that he had been invited to one of these gatherings, but Nell knew that had more to do with party's size than any real inclusion. She was glad he was here though; glad he was having fun.

"Where's yer boyfriend?"

Nell held in a sigh as she turned toward the creaky whine that came from her least favorite twelve-year old. John Shelby looked at her with a wicked smile and she suddenly felt her hand twitch with the urge to smack him, "Not 'ere, obviously."

"Aww 'e left you all on your lonesome." John mocked.

Nell narrowed her eyes at the little brat, "I didn't invite 'im, John-Boy."

John paused in confusion, not expecting that to be her answer. Nell snorted quietly as she edged away from him into the swirling crowd. It only took a few seconds for the young Shelby to catch up with her. His brow furrowed in baffled thought as he looked up at her, "Why didn't ya?"

"Why didn't I what?" Nell asked exasperated, her mind already on pulling one of her _cousins_ out for a dance.

"Invite Michael." John said it so matter of fact, that it took Nell a second to realize the younger boy was actually curious.

She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know. Guess, I thought he wouldn't enjoy it here."

That wasn't strictly true. Michael would have loved to come to the party. He was always asking questions about her family, what they did. Hell, he would have probably been playing drinking games with Tommy and the boys. She shook her head when she thought about it. She still wasn't sure how Tommy had done it, but he had made things right. He gotten Michael to speak with her again…and somehow made friends with the boy she had a crush on. Now it had been over a year and her and Michael were still going strong. Or at least that's what everyone thought.

If she were being completely honest with herself…she was bored with Michael. She liked him. She liked his sweet smiles and horrible jokes, but that seemed to be their entire relationship. She wanted more. She wanted to fight and she wanted to do more than kiss and hold hands. Yet, whenever she brought this up with Michael, she would get a confused smile and a be patient comment. What kind of eighteen-year old didn't want to have sex?

"Oh. Well, Tommy brought 'is girlfriend." John said after a moment completely breaking Nell from her musings. She nearly snorted at the term girlfriend. Flavor of the week would be more appropriate, "But I fink 'e only brought 'er, because 'e thought you were bringing Mikey."

Nell shook her head, "What are you talking about? An' don't call him Mikey."

There was a pause as John glanced up at her, his eyes widening suddenly in realization, "Oh right, Arthur said you didn't know."

"Don't know what?"

"Nothin'"

Nell's eyes narrowed, "John."

"Nothin!" John exclaimed as he looked about for an escape. He got lucky a second later as Ada crashed into him. He grunted in annoyance, "Watch where yer goin', Ada!"

The younger girl huffed and threw back her wild mop of hair, "Watch yourself!"

She shoved him to prove her point before taking off running, John was only a half-step behind her. Nell could only roll her eyes as she squashed the urge to yell after the young siblings. What didn't she know? With a huff, she stormed off to find a free drink and partner for a dance. She would never forgive herself if she let John-Boy's words get under her skin. It wasn't until much later that she saw them.

Tommy and Sara.

She nearly blinked in surprise.

Sara Lofton?

She wasn't the usual girl that Tommy went for…she was quiet, sweet. Hell, even Nell liked her, but she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that she was with Tommy. She stumbled back on the dance floor, bumping into a slightly drunk Arthur as she did so, she smiled lightly, "Dance with me, Arthur."

"Always, luv." Arthur slurred as he wrapped his hand in hers and gave her a twirl.

She giggled slightly and the duo were off, making messy turns and stumbling steps. It was chaotic and fun and, "How long 'ave Tommy and Sara been a thing?"

Arthur glanced over his shoulder with a shrug, "Don't know. A month, maybe two?"

He laughed slightly and shook his head, missing the suddenly hurt look that shined through Nell's grey eyes. Tommy had actually been seeing a girl - seriously – for over a month and he hadn't told her? He told her everything. She dipped backwards as Arthur pulled her through a rather sloppy turn, but she wasn't laughing as hard as she had been. She latched onto anything to distract her, "Where's Freddie?"

Arthur guffawed loudly and pointed toward the bushes, " 'e fuckin passed out after going a round with Tommy and Johnny. Told 'im, he couldn't 'andle that much drink."

A trickle of laughter spilled from Nell as she caught sight of Freddie's boots. If he had gone up against Tommy and Johnny, then Freddie really did need to sleep it off. No one was worse than those two when it came to drinking competitions…or even cheating at drinking competitions. She forced herself to focus on the merriment of the night as she finished her dance with Arthur before being claimed for another with one of the Lee boys. She let herself drink more than she normally would as she entered dance after dance. Her head had a nice buzz going on when she suddenly found herself staring into a pair of familiar icy eyes, "Tommy?"

"It's time for our dance." He said lowly, laughter flickering in his eyes.

Nell blinked dumbly for a moment before realizing what he was talking about. Their dance. The dance they had to spend hours practicing in Madam Tillia's ballroom. The dance that had become increasingly more complicated every time they had to perform it. This would be their sixth time performing it, the third for this event. She smiled thinly and took his hand as he led her out to the dance floor. She nearly missed his faint frown, "Nell? You alright?"

She made her smile more convincing, "O'course."

His frown didn't waver, but he didn't have time to question further as the area cleared and the first strains of music pierced the air. Nell barely noticed as she caught sight of a curious Sara watching the proceedings from the edge of the group. Why hadn't he told her?

Tommy squeezed her hand, bringing her attention back to him before he pushed on her back. Suddenly, she was gliding across the floor, matching every step he made. He leaned back, she'd flourish. He twisted, she turned. Only she didn't notice the coldness to her movements, the uncomfortable tension in her shoulders. Tommy did and his eyes grew concerned as he led her, "Nell?"

"I'm fine, Tommy." Nell brushed off as she focused on her counting, but she couldn't quite keep her disgruntlement from her tone.

There was a pause as Tommy studied her, a frown marring his face as he pushed her into a small dip, "Are you mad at me?"

"No. Why would I be mad at you?" Nell asked flatly as she turned to have her back to his front. His hand gripped her hip and glided her through a few more steps, "It's not like you've said anything for me to be mad about."

Tommy nearly stopped right there in disbelief. He and Nell argued, it was nothing new and he always knew when he had said something to piss her off. Usually, when she acted like this it was something he had done...not something he said. He racked his brain as he tried to think of what he could have possibly done to anger her. He jerked his wrist and brought her around to face him again and then he saw the hurt lingering behind her forced indifference, "Nell…tell me."

She scowled churlishly, adorably his mind supplied, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Tommy blinked baffled, "Tell you?"

He spun her once last time as the music came to an end. The families clapped appreciatively as he and Nell took their bow. Not that he noticed as he kept glancing at his too quiet friend. He nearly stumbled when she pulled away from him, disappearing into the crowd. Tommy frowned and followed after her, cursing silently as he went, and wondered when Nell had become so fucking bat-shit crazy, "Nell?"

"What Tommy?" Nell snapped, her tone telling him she just wanted to be alone.

He bristled slightly, did she honestly think he'd just let it go, "What do you mean what? Nell, what is wrong?"

"Nothin!" Nell exclaimed in almost an exact mimicry of John. She sighed, "Jus go back to the party."

He stared at her in disbelief, irritation more than present in his gaze as she stared sullenly back. He nodded mockingly, "Go back to the party. Jus go back to the fuckin' party and pretend that you're not in some strange snit -"

"I'm not in a snit -"

"You are!" Tommy bellowed as she stared at him defiantly. He scowled back at her, "Now, tell me what the fuck is wrong with yo-"

The rest of his words were swallowed as Nell crashed her lips to his. Stunned, Tommy froze for a moment, not comprehending what was happening, but then he felt her pulling away and he couldn't let that happen. His hand quickly tangled in her hair as the other found her waist and he was responding back. Her lips were so soft and his eyes slid shut as he enjoyed the warmth of her. He kissed her as if he could make her forget her name. And God…did she taste good.

They broke apart sooner than either wanted. Nell's face was flushed, but there was no denying the curious, satisfied glimmer in her eyes and Tommy felt his chest puff up a little in pride. He did that….Then Nell's gaze turned mildly horrified as she gently pulled away from him, "Oh fuck….fuck."

She barely spared him another glance as she went hurrying off toward the party. Tommy didn't follow after her this time as he grinned goofily to himself. He didn't need to ask to know that she had remembered Michael in those last few seconds. He grinned because he knew she was no longer thinking of Michael Bennett as her guy. Nell Donovan would be his girl by the end of the week if Tommy had any say in it.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Alright, Nell & Tommy drama has become my world. I feel a little bad for Neglecting Ellie and Bucky, but I'll return to them soon enough. I'm too obsessed with this story to take a break. Thank you for the reviews whowants2live4ever, ilynany, and guest. Please everyone read, review and enjoy. I always enjoy hearing from you.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Seven**

 **Past**

Nell was avoiding him. Tommy growled under his breath as he trotted down the steps of the Donovan's home. Sadie had given him a sympathetic look as if she knew what had transpired between the two teenagers three nights prior. He knew, sure as day, that Nell wouldn't have said a word. His only consolation in this entire mess was that she seemed to be avoiding Michael, as well. He had run into the older boy at least twice, both times inquiries about their favorite grey eyed nightmare in the shape of woman had occurred.

His hand twitched for a cigarette as a twinge of guilt fell through him at the thought of Michael Bennett. He still maintained that Michael was a twat, but he was a decent twat…boring fucker, but decent. He had been surprised that Michael and Nell had lasted this long. She was like a wildfire, she needed air to keep her stimulated more than she needed the wood she'd devour. And Michael was definitely the wood to be devoured. What Nell saw in the other boy, he would never understand. Sighing quietly, he glanced up at the darkening sky with a frown. Nell should have been home by now. Yet Sadie's unconcerned face appeared before him, she must know where Nell was at or else she would have sent him to fetch her. He almost went back to the door to ask where his childhood friend was hiding.

They needed to bloody talk. And she needed to stop avoiding him.

He sighed once more before deciding to head to Charlie's stables. Irritation with his grey eyed terror was leaving him in knots and the only thing that would calm him would be the horses. He would brush them down and feed them if Charlie hadn't gotten to it. He hadn't spent any time with the new Palomino and so Tommy let his thoughts drift over the horses. His mind already calming as he imagined the feel of their soft fur beneath his fingers, and their curious, but trusting stares. His lips quirked up, he wished Nell would be as easy as a horse.

It was this train of thought that followed him as he wound his way through Small Heath into his Uncle's stables. It was also how he found Nell. He paused just outside the stable entrance as he heard her voice whispering coaxingly to the horses, Curly somewhere inside explaining something about hooves. He nearly shook his head, of course when he stopped looking for her, he'd find her.

"Do you want ta go for a ride with me, sweetheart?" He heard Nell whisper to the Palomino as he stepped quietly into the stable, "Hmm? I know this pretty lil' pasture that you'd like."

He watched her stroke the horse's nose gently, a small smile painted her lips as he spoke up, "Gettin' a bit late for a ride."

Nell's smile slipped away at the sound of his voice, but her stare remained firmly on the horse as he drew near. Distantly, he noted that Curly had slipped off instead of giving him a happy greeting…he was grateful for the simple man's sudden tact. He licked his lips as he tried to catch her eyes, "You've been avoiding me."

"Are you surprised?" She said dryly as she turned swiftly to face him. Her eyes blazed defiantly up at him and Tommy damned near grinned. This was his Nell. This was his wildfire.

He cocked an eyebrow as he stared at her knowingly, it was time to fan the flame, "You're not normally a coward, Nell."

Her mouth dropped open in indignation, "How dare you!"

"How dare I? You're the one fuckin runnin' away from your problems!" Tommy flung back with a scowl.

Anger flashed through her eyes and for a brief moment he was sure that she would hit him. Instead, she stepped away to pace the length of the aisle way, "Excuse me, if I needed time to wrap my 'ead around the fact that I'm the worst bloody girlfriend in the world."

Tommy rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as he watched her meltdown, "You are not-"

"Oh shut up, Tommy!" Nell spat as she raked a hand through her curly mane, "I shouldn't 'ave kissed you, is that what you wanted to 'ear?"

"No." He answered honestly, he really didn't want to hear her regret over their kiss.

Nell sighed in frustration and she wished she could make him understand what she was feeling. The horrible mixture of guilt and longing, "I 'ave a boyfriend."

"And?" Tommy drawled as if it meant nothing.

Her fist clenched as she tampered down on the urge to strike him. She pointed furiously at him instead, "You 'ave a girlfriend!"

At this Tommy blanched, "What?"

Nell whipped around in her pacing, a scolding on the tip of her tongue, but she saw the bewilderment in his expression. He was looking at her as if she had two heads and it made her pause as she feebly whispered, "Sara?"

Tommy's brow furrowed, "Sara? Sara Lofton?"

Nell nodded warily, unsure of what had just been revealed. Though that quickly turned to a frown as Tommy started chuckling, "You think I'm dating Sara Lofton? Poor girl wouldn't know what to do with me, Nell. She's a church mouse, that one. What made you think I was datin 'er?"

"At the party…I-I saw." Nell stammered as her mind flashed back over the events of that night, "Arthur said you two 'ad been seein each other."

Tommy shook his head meaningfully as a sardonic smirk cross his lips, "Arthur brought Sara to the party. 'E's been seein 'er."

"Then who-?" She paused mid-sentence as she thought of John-Boy's taunts, "I'm gonna kill 'em."

"Them?" Tommy asked curiously.

"John and Arthur. Your bloody brothers-" Nell growled, a new wave of irritation and embarrassment filling her as she realized how well she had been played. The situation these boys put her in. Fucking Shelbys.

Meanwhile, Tommy was internally thanking his brother's meddling. He sent her a teasing grin when her annoyance didn't subside, "Nell, don't you think I would tell you if I 'ad a girlfriend?"

The baleful glare she sent him had Tommy snickering quietly, until he remembered. He remembered the words she had spoken at the end of their dance, "Nell, is that why you were upset that night? You thought I hadn't told you about Sara?"

She didn't bother to answer as she turned back to the Palomino. She felt humiliated enough without having to admit that she had thrown a fit over him not telling her something personal. Tommy smiled fondly behind her, he had lost his virginity four months ago and had told her about it and she thought he wouldn't tell her about having a girlfriend?

He sighed quietly and grabbed a set of reins from the wall to saddle up the Palomino. He made quick work under Nell's watchful gaze before swinging himself up. He held a hand out to her, "Come on. I doubt Uncle Charlie will mind."

After a moment of hesitation, she allowed herself to be guided on to the horse. Her arms tightened around his waist as Tommy pressed the horse into a slow trot. Automatically, he headed for the pasture that Nell had mentioned earlier. He glanced up towards the night sky again and made a note to drop her at home once they had finished talking.

"Michael's been lookin' for ya too." Tommy murmured lowly as they turned down the dirt path to the pasture. Nell groaned softly and buried her head into the back of his shoulder. He glanced back at her tousled head and sighed, "You can't hide from 'im forever."

"Tommy, please shut up." Nell muttered against his coat, not needing him to be her voice of reason.

She slid off the back of the horse as they entered the pasture. Tommy not too far behind her as he released the Palomino to roam before taking a seat next to her on the stone wall. Neither looked at each other and Tommy bit the inside of his cheek as he said, "Leave 'im."

"Tommy." Nell sighed tiredly as she sent him a pleading look to just let what had transpired between them go.

He cast her a deadpan look in return that told her what she wanted was not about to happen, "You don't even like 'im."

"That's not true." She grumbled, "I like 'im just fine."

Tommy scoffed, "You're bored."

Nell sent him a suspicious look wondering how he knew that, she hadn't said anything to anyone about how she had been feeling about Michael lately, "He's good to me."

"So what? You gonna fuckin marry someone jus because he's good to ya?" He twisted to straddle the wall and face her. He couldn't figure out why she was being so stubborn about this.

"Who said anything about marriage?" Nell exclaimed wondering how she had ended up in this conversation. She didn't want to be discussing her relationship with Tommy – she should be discussing it with Michael, "I'm not even sixteen yet, Tommy."

"You will be in a few weeks. Then you'll 'ave been with Michael for what? Two years now. Why are you fuckin datin' 'im if you aren't gonna marry 'im?" Tommy said matter of factly, knowing that he was purposefully twisting the situation to suit his needs.

"Oh my fucking God. Stop, jus stop." Nell's eyes had widen incredulously, wanting to get away from this topic as quickly as possible, "I'm not marrying Michael. Why is this even a conversation?"

"Then leave 'im, Nell." Tommy demanded this time.

Nell nearly snarled at his tone, "Why? So I can go out with you?"

"Yes."

She snorted and smiled darkly, "What? You wanna marry me now, Tommy?"

He nearly cursed as he realized the corner he had painted himself into. His icy blue eyes blazed as he scathed back, "Maybe."

Nell arched a brow at him and smirked as she silently told him that she wasn't stupid. Marriage was the last thing on his mind. He sighed raggedly, "Leave 'im, Nell. Cuz I'm not gonna stop doing this..."

Tommy leaned forward then and turned her face towards his as he kissed her. She didn't respond nor did she move away. He slid forward as he gently tugged her closer. His hand trailed her side and she sighed gently. He took full advantage as he nipped her lip and finally she pressed into him. A wave of relief flowed through him. Up until that moment, he hadn't been sure Nell would welcome his advances.

A slight chuckle escaped him as Nell knocked his cap off uncaringly, running her hands through his short cropped hair. He damn near groaned, but didn't let up as his hands fisted her dress. She was his, "Tell me, your leavin' 'im."

"Tommy..."

He growled, "Helen, tell me."

Nell shivered, her stomach clenching at that tone, she had never heard him use her full name. She sighed and leaned her forehead against his, "I don't want to hurt 'im...this will hurt 'im."

"So don't tell 'im about us." Tommy whispered.

Nell sighed and tried to pull away only to have Tommy hold her firmly in place. She glared at him balefully, but he wasn't about to let her go, "I'll think about it."

"You'll tell him or I will." Tommy stated firmly, he wasn't about to let her have her way on this.

She bristled, "Don't tell me what to do, Thomas. You overbearing, bast-"

He crashed his mouth back down onto hers, swallowing her angry words with a smile. He was going to enjoy this new aspect of their relationship.

* * *

 **Present**

"Where's Lenny at?"

Tommy raised his head from one of the accounting books to see Polly leaning in the doorway. Her expression troubled as she waited for an answer. He blinked as he tried to remember her question, "What?"

"Len? He's one of our runner's. No one's seen 'im in a few days and I saw 'im talkin with you not too long ago." Polly clarified crossing her arms, "Well, where is 'e?"

"He's on an errand for me." Tommy said vaguely as he returned to his books. He didn't particularly want his aunt to know the boy was spying on Nell for him. He'd never hear the end of it.

"An errand in London?"

Tommy looked back up into Polly's knowing gaze. It was times like these he wondered if his aunt had spies of her own...he wouldn't have been surprised. He sighed unhappily, "If you know, why do you bother askin?"

Polly shrugged, "I'd rather you tell me. Now, I thought you talked with Nell?"

Tommy frowned and closed his books, knowing he wouldn't get any work done with his aunt searching for answers. He stared at her pointedly making it clear that he did not want to be having this conversation, "I did."

"And?" Polly ground out impatiently, not particularly caring what her nephew wanted. It had always been a bit of a chore to get Tommy to talk about...anything, but it had become like pulling teeth to get even the most basic information out of him. She missed the days when he would withhold information from her like it was a game. At least, she'd get a laugh out of it then, now she just got a headache for her trouble.

"And she basically told me to sod off, Pol." He frowned miserably as he replayed the weary-pained image that Nell had presented. He was sure that it had become more exaggerated by his imagination the past few days, but it hadn't left him, "She wouldn't tell me anything. Not about what she's been up to and not about where she disappeared to."

Polly returned Tommy's frown as she entered his office to sit at the desk. He may not have realized it yet, but he was radiating a vague hurt at being rejected by his childhood friend. Her eyes turned sympathetic as she murmured, "I told you – she wasn't the same Nell you left behind. She had a hard time after you left."

"I know...I brought up Sadie." He murmured tiredly. He missed Polly's apprehensive glance as he settled back into his seat, "She didn't want to talk about 'er. She seemed almost angry."

He raised an eyebrow as he noted Polly's lack of surprise or response before carrying on, "I've never known Nell to be angry with 'er mother. She loved that woman like no one else."

"I'm sure she was just grieving. Death does strange things to ya." Polly said sagely as she thought of her own grief. She had never taken the loss of her husband or children well. It still burned inside her.

"Why was she angry, Pol?" Tommy asked quietly, watching her intensely.

Polly tried not to fidget under that gaze as she shook her head almost warningly, "Don't know, Tommy."

"I think you do. Why was she angry with Sadie? Why is she still angry with 'er?" He pushed. He wanted to understand what had changed. There was so much he had missed with Nell and he was regretting every minute of the past two years that he had ignored her. He should have reconnected with her sooner, maybe then his friend wouldn't seem like such a stranger.

"You should talk to her. Ask her." Polly said firmly, her lips pressed together as she fought to keep Nell's secret in place. Polly, herself, wasn't even sure Tommy should know what had transpired between mother and daughter.

Tommy shook his head, "She isn't going to tell me, Pol. Her mind's made up on that and when Nell decides somethin' it takes a bloody hurricane to change her mind."

"That's not true. You've always been able to get through to each other." Polly insisted with a wave of her hand, "Ever since you two were little, it was like you could read each other's bloody minds."

"Not this time. We're not fuckin' kids anymore." Tommy said almost sadly as he gazed almost pleadingly with his aunt, "Tell me what happened, Pol. Tell me, cuz she won't."

Polly shook her head, "Tommy, it's not my place."

He nearly growled as he shoved his books off his desk in agitation. Polly jumped slightly, not expecting the sudden burst of temper, "The fact that you won't tell me makes me think that whatever occurred 'ad something to do with me...Did it?"

"Tommy..." Polly sighed wearily, wishing that Nell was here. Polly shouldn't be the one to tell him any of what had transpired.

"Did it?" Tommy fairly shouted as his aunt glared up at him.

She looked away and nodded, "Yes...it had something to do with you."

"What? What 'appened? Pol, tell me." Tommy demand losing his patience as he got closer to the truth.

"She was pregnant." Polly stated finally, sadly.

All the anger fell from Tommy as he nearly collapsed back into his seat. He stared at her in shock, "What?"

His aunt sighed as she looked at him grimly, "She found out she was pregnant not long after you left. Sadie was furious. She wanted her to get rid of it. Nell said no... She wasn't going to get rid of your child. None of us knew you two had even gotten back together, though it was 'ardly surprising. You two were jus as good at pushing each other's button, as you were at readin' each other's minds."

"A baby." His heart was throbbing in his ears. Nell had been pregnant? Then where was the child, "What happened?"

Polly blinked back tears as she thought of those horrible days. Nell had been torn apart, "The baby came early -too early. Nell was in so much pain…the doctor 'ad to cut the baby out of 'er. I thought she was gonna die…. She fought to 'old on though and the baby. The baby…she was so small, but so beautiful."

"She? A daughter?" Tommy questioned raggedly, he felt like the floor had fallen out underneath…he felt like he was back in the tunnel when it had collapsed on top of him.

Polly nodded, "Charlotte Louisa Shelby – She lived for four long painful days, before she gave in. Nell didn't stop cryin for days, wouldn't eat. I'm not sure she even slept. Then Sadie took ill, followed the baby not long after that."

"Louisa." Tommy said softly as he stared dully at the wall.

"After your mother." Polly said softly, sniffing slightly. Nell had fair broken her heart the day she named the baby.

She stood from the desk and walked over to where she knew Tommy hid a bottle of whisky. They both could use something to drink. She poured two tumblers and pushed one into his hand, worried at how pale he had become. Maybe Nell had been right not to tell him. Polly sipped the drink before pushing the glass against her head. Tommy closed his eyes and for a moment he looked so lost, "I should 'ave been 'ere."

"You were where you were needed." Polly excused as she downed the rest of the liquor.

"I was needed 'ere." Tommy growled as he threw the glass across the room. Polly didn't even flinch at the sound of it shattering, though she heard the buzz of the betting house die down for a moment before picking back up, "Why didn't she tell me?"

Polly sighed, having a good guess as to why Nell had never said anything, "You'd 'ave to ask 'er."

Tommy looked at her grimly, "I intend to."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Okay, warning now: there isn't much Tommy/Nell interaction in this chapter. The confrontation will be in the next chapter. I din't realize the amount of shock the last chapter's reveal would cause, but I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story. To my two Guests, ZeeIternity, ilynany, JaspercontrolsMyEmotions, Krydawn, purplexorchid, and whowants2live4ever thank you for reviewing. Please everyone read, enjoy and review. I always enjoy hearing from you (good or bad).

disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Eight**

 **Past**

" _Tommy, knock it off." Nell laughed lightly as she tried to pushed him away._

 _A small smile broke across his face as he continued to nibble gently on her neck. Teasingly, he tried to get her to move toward the stairway to her room, but had to give up as she swatted his hands away. Amusement danced across both their faces as she slipped away from him to get to the kitchen door, "We told your mother, we wouldn't be late. We are late."_

" _Mum knows what we're up to." Tommy said with an uncaring shrugged as he followed behind her. His smile turned devilish as he saw the blush that was beginning to rise to her cheeks, "Now sweetheart, you're not embarrassed by mum knowing we're 'ere stealing kisses and what not, are you?"_

 _Nell sent him an exasperated stare as she tossed a cotton bag him, "Tommy, shut up. Your mother is too far into her pregnancy to be doing this stuff, we promised we'd 'elp. Come on."_

" _No, you promised we'd 'elp. I much rather be upstairs with you while your mum's away." He grunted as he picked up her other bag._

 _He was rewarded a moment later as Nell cupped his cheek to give him a chaste kiss. Her grey eyes twinkled laughingly, "Oh I know….maybe later, luv."_

" _Maybe?" Tommy questioned distastefully, at her warning look he sighed, "Fine, I'll be a good son today._

 _Nell snickered and brushed passed him to gather the last of the things they would need, "Hurry up."_

Her eyes fluttered open expecting to see the inside of her childhood bedroom, with possibly Tommy trying to sneak through her window. Instead, she was greeted by stark white walls and walnut wood floors.

She hated this place.

Nell blinked groggily as listened to muffled coughs and muted shuffles that indicated movement. Her skin was clammy and the rough linen of the bed did nothing, but irritate her. She wanted to move. No, she wanted to leave. Yet, every time she made the attempt her head swam and the urge to vomit would become overwhelming. She was trapped in this Goddamn bed by her own inadequacy and there was nothing more frustrating. She was trapped in a hospital - that much had become obvious the first time she had awoken…but she couldn't remember how she had gotten there. She just remembered Harriot's tear-streaked face.

She sighed and rested her hand on her stomach only to yank it back a second later. Tears welled in her red-rimmed eyes as the pang of pain that shot through her did nothing for her temper, but the heat she felt from her stomach scared her.

Infection.

She remembered hearing the word get tossed around by a nurse and doctor in her drugged induced haze. Her wound had become infected. As a result, she had been pumped full of more drugs than she thought could be healthy. She hadn't been conscious for more than a twenty minutes at a time and honestly she was beginning to wonder if the doctors were just trying to make her comfortable for the inevitable. Had her wound rotted that much? She eyed the door uneasily as she waited to see a nurse with a syringe filled with God-only-knows-what for her.

"If you're contemplating makin' a break for it, I wouldn't suggest it, luv."

Nell frowned at the graveled voice that sounded beside her. It took more effort and care than she wanted to admit to turn. When she finally did manage to shift without screaming she found a pair of dark blue eyes glittering at her curiously. She felt vaguely like a bug under inspection and she wondered distantly how she had missed the fact that the bed next to her's was occupied, but then the entire ward was occupied. Her voice was raspy from disuse as she whispered her response, "And why is that?"

"You tried last night and damn near killed yourself." Blue eyes said sagely with a tilt of his head. It was then that Nell noticed the bandaged on the side of his head and the leg propped up in a sling. He looked about as happy as she was to be here, "Didn't think you'd remember. You were rather out of it…these drugs, they make you think you're invincible. Very dangerous that is."

Nell huffed a bitter laugh, "Don't I know it."

A sardonic smile coated her bedmate's face, "I'd 'elp you, but well…"

He trailed off with a gesture toward his leg and Nell smirked, "I appreciate the offer."

Blue eyes hummed and nodded, he hadn't let up on his scrutinizing gaze as he asked abruptly, "Sick?"

"Wounded. Infection." Nell muttered indifferently, though she was sure her annoyance more than shined through her expression.

"Wounded? Doin' what?" He asked seemingly surprised, but Nell had the feeling that he was anything but as he waited for her response.

She raised an eyebrow, "You always this nosy?"

"Nah, I wouldn't call it nosy." He scoffed lightly, a small smile playing on his lips, "You're a curiosity luv, you are. Only woman admitted in the past few weeks – And that's a rarity considerin' that the patients are all military 'ere."

It didn't take a genius to figure out the man next to her was bored out of his skull. So, she had no doubt that she was a curiosity to him, but there was an edge to him that she couldn't put her finger on. It was familiar, but also distinctly foreign. A thought occurred to Nell as she listened to his half-assed explanation, "Are we still in France?"

"Oh Lord, no. We're in London. Home sweet home, yea." He grinned bitterly and Nell couldn't bring herself to question the resentment in his gaze, "My name's Alfie, by the way."

"Nell." She offered, the two sat in a contemplative silence, both studying the other.

To be honest, Nell wasn't sure what to do with him. It was nice to be coherent enough to speak with someone, but the questions were wearing thin on her patience. She was back in London; this was news to her. A British Army run hospital in France was what she had anticipated, not the foggy city. She was a day's drive from Birmingham and it was too close. The smell of freshly dug graves and vacant eyes were still vivid in her head even though it had been years. If she closed her eyes she could hear tiny heart-breaking wheezes, bile rose in her throat for the second time that morning. She rather be back in war torn France.

She must have let her mind wander as suddenly she was no longer looking at Alfie, but a tall squirrelly looking man in a white coat. Nell blinked as she realized that he was her doctor, he must have been about twelve, she thought mildly horrified. She sighed tiredly as he nervously cleared his throat. A quick side-glance at Alfie showed that he was watching the proceedings with great interest, if not some muted amusement. If she wasn't aware of the drugs flowing through her system, Nell was sure she would have a headache.

"Miss. Donovan, I see that you are awake. How are you feeling?" The young doctor chirped as she watched his hands clench his clipboard. A faint flush was building up his collar that made her raise a brow.

She smiled benignly, "Well, I feel like I've been skewered by a steering column and then 'ad my side washed clean by a can of petrol. So splendid really."

The doctor's mouth open and closed a few time as he looked uncertainly at his chart. There was more that he wanted to say, Nell could see it as he kept glancing up uncomfortably. She tried not to bristle, knowing that she probably wasn't his only unpleasant patient, but was also most likely his only female patient if what Alfie said was true, "Yo- you have a slight infection."

"My word, lad. She's already sussed that out. Tell her something she doesn't know." Alfie piped up growing impatient with the doctor's struggle.

He didn't have the same desire as she did to watch him squirm, Nell supposed as she pursed her lips. The doctor started at Alfie's voice looking more uncomfortable by the second, "P-perhaps I should wait until we can have some privacy, Miss."

"Not an immediate issue then." Nell muttered as she narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. She glanced again at Alfie to see his curiosity had been replaced by a mild annoyance. She rolled eyes and sent a silent prayer skyward, "Might as well speak, doctor. Privacy is a rather relative thing 'ere."

The doctor swallowed hard as he looked again at the chart in his hands. He closed his eyes briefly as Nell and Alfie watched him rally himself around, "You see, Miss. Donovan, the damage you sustained from the – the explosion was quiet extensive…We did as much as we could, but umm. Things could have been worse, Miss. At least you -"

Nell held up a hand with a sigh, "No need to go further… I think I know what you're gettin' at."

A crushing weight settled in her stomach and it was only made worse by the sympathetically hopeful look in the young doctor's eyes. A low rumble sounded beside her as Alfie exclaimed wearily, "Well, I 'aven't the foggiest what he was getting at. That was the most jumbled bit of hoopla that I ever 'eard."

Nell chuckled desperately as leaned back into her pillows. Tears collected quietly in the corners of her grey eyes as she cursed silently, "The good doctor is tryin' to tell me that I will no longer be able to 'ave children, but 'e's seen the scar between my hips and 'e's hopin' that the child that I 'ad will make that alright. Right?"

"C-correct, Miss."

She didn't see the doctor turn a shameful red as he stuttered his excuses to leave the uncomfortable tension in the ward. Nell didn't bother to acknowledge him as she gazed miserably up at the hospital's ceiling. She could feel Alfie's stare burning into her as he questioned quietly, "You no longer 'ave that child, do you?"

"No."

"I'm sorry, luv."

Nell didn't say anything as suddenly she wished she was back in a drug induced haze.

* * *

 **Present**

The quiet timid shuffling in the old Billingsgate corridor reminded Nell too much of her London hospital stay. She was as much a curiosity in the cold brick laden hall as she had been in recovery ward. She didn't smile at the wide, fearful glances that she received as she strode down the corridor to two shadowy looking men at the end. The people in this corridor had much to fear and it wasn't her job to reassure them. She hated this place.

The larger of the two gentleman sensed her approach and stood to block her way. Nell sighed aggrieved, "Really James?"

"Pay 'im no mind, Nell. He's jus my muscle." James's voice drawled lowly, effectively making the larger man step aside.

A pair of sad green eyes greeted her as Nell finally caught sight of her client. He sat with his back against a wall. A desk that had seen better days sat as blockade between James and any who dared to cross Billingsgate into his territory. It was a familiar sight, but the addition of his _muscle_ was new. Nell arched a brow curiously, "Since when do you need muscle?"

"Since one of the women we smuggled was a sister to a very dangerous man in Parliament….he's looking for me." James said quietly as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered her one. Nell shook her head wearily as she dropped her bag onto his desk.

She turned to stare at the small group that waited further down the corridor. Most were beggars, people seeking refuge from the coppers for the night. Money and food were the only motivators for this bunch, but if Nell really looked, she could spot a few oddities in that group. Where the fear in their eyes wasn't for an arrest, but of a much more desperate token. She frowned unhappily as she addressed her client dully, "How many locations 'ave been compromised by this dangerous man?"

There was a moment of silence as James contemplated her, "Four. He's been very dogged."

"Fantastic." Nell murmured thoughtfully as she returned her attention to her bag. She pulled out several packages and slid them across to James, "Everything is in order. As long as the girls can speak passable English, they shouldn't be questioned."

James didn't bother to open the brown wrapped packages. He knew exactly what was inside and he knew that Nell's work was always impeccable. He didn't need to check, but he did see the wheels turning in her head as she glanced again into the corridor, "What're you thinkin', Nell?"

She was quiet as she thought through her plans. The Lee family fair was due to come to the Birmingham countryside in a few weeks, which meant Johnny Dogs would be lingering around somewhere. The shameless gypsy charmer owed her quite a few favors. She could make this work, "I 'ave a few places in Birmingham we can 'old the girls at until arrangements are made for their safe passage."

James puffed on his cigarette calmly, "Don't know if that's a good idea. It's more than women, Nell. It's their kids, as well…for those who 'ave 'em and a few old men. We would need a location where a single mother can blend."

"I'm aware, James. A few would blend in Small Heath. Single mothers are commonplace there, especially ones escaping bastard husbands." Nell said sagely as she thought of the apartments next to her and closer to the garrison. No, a single mother wouldn't be much to talk about if the story was spun just right, "I can keep a few of the older refugees in the country. I 'ave a cottage that's out of the way. Quiet and only a 'andful of people know of it. Should be safe enough."

"Nell, forging documents is one thing, but you 'aven't given safe housing to anyone in ages. Are you sure you want -"

Nell cut him off with a wave of her hand, "These women need 'elp. You need 'elp. 'Sides, I no longer 'ave people watching me for smuggling. I've proven myself to be an upstanding citizen."

James nearly snorted at the description as he shook his head, "Even if I did say yes, which I'm not, Small Heath is about to be put under the bloody magnifier."

Nell's brows furrowed in confusion. What was he on about? Aside from the odd bit of stolen wares now and then – and the illegal betting – Small Heath was seen as nothing more than a petty crime town. It was no one's bother, but the local coppers, and even they weren't the most upstanding, "What are you talkin' about?"

"A shipment of military guns was stolen from a factory on the outskirts of Small Heath two days ago. Noise is bein' made like something mad in the 'ouse of Lords. An order 'as been sent out to bring in fuckn' Chief Inspector Chester A. Campbell to figure out who stole 'em. He'll be in Small Heath by the end of the week." James said lowly, leaning forward so only Nell could hear.

She pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling the stirrings of a headache coming on, "Where 'ave I heard that name from?"

"He's the bloody bastard that went after the IRA agents in Dublin. The methods they say he used – he's almost worse than the people he hunt's. There's no way I'm exposing any of the girls to that – hell, I don't want you exposed to that and you live there. The man's a monster, Nell." James iterated sagely as he finished his cigarette. He pointed a finger wildly, "You better clear out your tools. I mean it, Nell. I wouldn't take the chance of doin' any work with 'im around."

Nell hardly paid the warning any mind as she thought of who could be stupid enough to steal military guns. Though she had a sinking feeling that she already knew the answer. The amount of heat that would bring down on someone. Those guns couldn't be sold without being traced, there was no good buy there. She sighed raggedly, "Do they suspect anyone? How are you even getting this information?"

James shrugged indifferently, "From the same people that warned me about my dangerous man. I 'ave people with eyes in Parliament. Not like you do, but still….Anyway, last I 'eard, a list 'ad been complied of potentials. I don't know of any other specifics."

"Bloody perfect." Nell muttered to herself. Having the government turn a discerning eye to her city did not bode well with Nell. Too many people depended on her services, and her work had just been made that much harder to keep discreet. Tiredly, she grabbed the pack of cigarettes that had been left on the table and pulled one for herself, "We can still use the cottage. It'll be far enough away Campbell."

" _You_ should use the cottage." James muttered tiredly. It had become his life's work to get people in distress away from danger. Refugees, battered wives, witnesses, and orphans. He gave them safe housing, passage, food, and identification. Having one of his contractors who often acted as an employee and more often a friend in danger did not sit well with him. Yet, he knew Nell too well to think she'd actually listen.

Her deadpan stare was more than enough to confirm that thought, "James, I will not be forced from my home."

He grumbled irritated, "We'll see. If you're still feeling this foolish in a few weeks, I'll contact you."

"Do so." Nell said firmly as she gathered her things. She needed to see one of her Parliamentary contacts to confirm what she had just learned. Having a nosy police inspector in her hometown was a nuisance she needed to be false. Though silently she knew it to be true and prayed Tommy had nothing to do with the theft. The hell that would rain down.

She would need to get back to Birmingham as quick as possible.

She closed her eyes. Fucking Shelbys.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I'm a little nervous about this chapter. I don't know if this is the confrontation you guys were expecting, but I wanted it to feel real if that makes sense. Nell and Tommy are one of those couples that just seem to understand each other a little too well as they tear each other apart again and again. Thank you to StephLauren, Guest and Gracie for reviewing. Please read, review and enjoy. I would really like to hear your guys thoughts on this one.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine

* * *

 **Chapter Nine**

"If you keep doin' that, your foot's gonna fall off." Nell murmured tiredly with a mild glare at her new travelling companion. After a long night of following up on James's news and thwarting an overly nosy Alfie, her patience had begun to run thin.

The nineteen-year-old runner had the courtesy to look sheepish as he stilled his tapping foot. He had never been good at sitting still, but as the train drew closer to Birmingham the more nervous he grew, "Sorry, Miss."

Nell levelled him with a dry stare as she sighed softly. The boy had practically been vibrating in his seat the entire journey from London, effectively keeping her from getting any sleep, "He's not gonna hurt you, you know."

Lenny fidgeted again as he whispered, "I didn't do my job. Mr. Shelby isn't gonna be pleased."

"Tommy knows what a pain in the arse I am. He'll understand. Jus tell 'im the truth, eh?" Nell said dismissively. She knew the boy was right and that Tommy wasn't going to be pleased with the little information that Lenny had, but she also knew that Tommy wouldn't take it out on him. He'd take his irritation out on her.

"Yes, Miss."

Her only hope on that front was that Tommy would at least be considerate enough to visit her tomorrow. She wasn't in the mood to be dealing with his questions and overbearing nature. A small smile crossed her lips as she unwilling admitted to herself that she had missed him. His exasperated stare and stubborn pushing the night before she left was the closest she had seen to the boy she knew. She wasn't being fair; she knew...she had changed just as much as he had.

Nell sighed quietly and turned to stare at the passing scenery for the last bit of their ride. Birmingham came into view sooner than she had expected, though their exit from the train took as long as expected. Lenny was kind enough to help her carry her baggage home, though Nell suspected he was merely trying to avoid Tommy. Feeling a strange mix of pity and gratefulness to the boy, she slipped a few pounds into his coat pocket as he made to leave. Too quickly, she was left with a glaring silence and the sullen stare of her orange tabby. It was oppressive and only served to reminder her of everything that was missing. It was in that moment Nell knew she wouldn't be getting any sleep that night.

 **xXx**

Tommy pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt a headache coming on. The whiskey he had taken from the bar was doing little for him and he was beginning to grow annoyed with the clatter of the Garrison. The past few days had been a mix of bad revelations caught in the sea of an oncoming storm. Polly had not taken the news of the stolen shipment of guns well – he hadn't expected her to, of course, but taking the brunt of her anger was always taxing. Mixed in with the news, or lack thereof, on Nell made him want to slam his head against the wall.

Lenny had looked beyond contrite as he explained the little he had seen of Nell's so called business. A late tea with a strange gentleman, a vague suspicion that another man had snuck to her room and then Nell purposefully losing the runner in the twisting streets of London before grabbing him by the back of shirt to drag him to the train station the next day. In all honesty, he had gotten more information out of Finn when he found out the young boy was looking after her cat while she was away. He hadn't even known she had a cat. Now, he knew its name was Specter and that Nell kept toffees in a jar next to the kitchen sink.

He grumbled lowly to himself, why couldn't she make anything easy?...But then, she wouldn't be Nell if it were easy. It was the one thing about her that hadn't changed. In fact, it had only gotten worse and he was beginning to fear he would never be able to draw out all of her secrets. He questioned if he really wanted to.

Thoughts of their baby had consumed his mind since Polly had divulged Nell's well-kept secret. He had been plagued with images of a grey eyed little girl with his cheeky smile – she would have Nell's temper. A bitter scowl crossed his lips as he felt the pang of loss again. It was an ache he usually only received when he thought of his mother, but now carried for a daughter he never had the chance to meet. He almost wished Polly hadn't said anything... almost. A wave of betrayed fury burned in his veins, Nell should have told him.

It was this same anger that kept him from confronting her. He wasn't sure what he would do to Nell if he let his temper take control and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her. Tiredly, he pulled a cigarette from his jacket pocket as he pushed his glass to the side. He ambled outside, taking note of how late it had become as he sighed into the cool night breeze. He let his feet choose a path and nearly snorted to himself a few minutes later as he realized he was heading toward the pasture.

Their pasture, if he was honest. Charlie had stopped using it for the horses' years ago. Only he and Nell visited it now. He wasn't sure why he was always pulled there, but it was peaceful. Familiar in a way that nothing else was, it was probably the only thing in Birmingham that hadn't changed during the war. It was that peace he craved now.

It didn't take him long to reach the dirt path as he found himself thinking about a grey eyed daughter again. A soft tinkling laughter echoed in the air and he felt his heart clench painfully. Only the laughter didn't fade as it normally did and he looked up as he rounded the bend before the wall and saw her. Nell stood not too far from the pasture's opening, a gentle smile painted her lips as she reached up toward a group of fireflies that danced around the field. Her russet colored hair was down in a cascade of wild curls and waves and she couldn't have looked more beautiful. He drew a deep breath as he wandered toward her.

Nell's eyes flickered toward him, somehow unsurprised by his presence as she called out, "If you're going to send people to spy on me at least make it challengin."

He nearly rolled his eyes as he wondered how quickly she had caught on to Lenny's presence, "Is that all you 'ave to say to me?"

Nell squinted in thought as she said sharply, "No - Don't spy on me."

"There it is." Tommy murmured as came to stand next to her. He quirked a brow as he looked at her pointedly, "Stop comin' out 'ere on your own."

"No." She said again this time sending him a baleful glare that made him want to strangle her.

He sighed tiredly as he looked at her grimly. She looked relatively content for once as she enjoyed the night breeze and her lightning bug friends and he was going to destroy that. He bit the inside of his cheek, he was going to hate this, "Nell, we need to talk."

There was a moment of silence as Nell turned to fully look at him. She didn't seem surprised by his statement, merely weary as she frowned lightly, "We 'aven't been very good at talkin' lately."

"No, we 'aven't." Tommy agreed quietly, before hesitantly saying, "I don't think it's gonna get any better tonight."

Nell's frown deepened as she looked at him quizzically. He could see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to predict what was bothering him, "Why's that?"

He pierced her with a long stare that made the hairs on her neck stand on end as he spoke almost monotone, "Tell me about Charlotte."

Nell lost all color in her face at that name. Her grey eyes widen and Tommy could see the shock and pain mixed in with a tumult of other emotions as she processed his words. For a moment, he thought she would faint, but Nell was made of stronger stuff as she shuttered away from him, a hiss spilling from her lips, "Polly or John?"

It was his turn to look startled at the mention of his brother as he filed away the information for later. He stepped towards her then, "Doesn't matter, Nell. I should 'ave heard it from you."

"No." Nell said coldly, her hand came up to keep him from coming closer, "No."

She was a wild storm of fury and grief as she turned from him to head back towards the path, "We're not talking about this."

"Helen." He called warningly as she walked away, "Helen!"

Tommy cursed under his breath, feeling the anger he tried to keep under control begin to slip. He refused to let her run from this, she didn't make it passed the stone fence before he was on her. He made to grab for her arm, but she fought him. Snarling lowly, she twisted about to kick him, her hand raised for a slap. He grunted as he let the kick land and grasped her ankle while he laid a hold of her arm again to push her back onto the stone wall. He managed to trap her legs between his as he held onto her wrists with almost bruising intensity.

Nell flipped her hair back to glare at him fiercely, desperately, "Let me go, Tommy."

"No." He glared back, struggling for control as he barely kept from shouting, "You're going to tell me why you never told me that we 'ad a child."

A glint entered Nell's eyes that he couldn't quite decipher, but it almost made him want to retract his demand as he felt his stomach drop with dread. He could already feel the earth crumbling beneath his feet.

"Why?" Nell whispered incredulously, her eyes shined with unshed tears, "Why?"

"Yes, why." Tommy growled out, needed her to say the words.

She shook her head in disbelief as if he should already know the answer, "What good would tellin' you 'ave done? Tell me, Tommy please! Because you knowing doesn't magically bring 'er back, does it? It doesn't bring back our little girl. We don't 'ave a child!"

He pushed away from her then, not wanting to hear those words. Not wanting to hear how he couldn't fix it…how he couldn't fix them. Her pain was almost too much, the tears silently streaming down her cheeks stabbed mercilessly at him. He ran a shaking hand over his face as he spat back at her, "I had a right to know!"

"I didn't want you to know!" Nell said haltingly, her eyes flashing bitterly. Her breath hitched with a suppressed a sob as she whispered, "I wish I didn't know."

His gaze snapped back to her's in disbelief, as he watched her cave in on herself, as he felt the ground finally give away completely. Being shot would have been a kinder than the words she had just spewed. She regretted their child? She slid off the wall onto the ground, no longer looking at him as she let her tears flow freely, her anguish damn near killed him, "She was so small, Tommy, and she was in constant pain – she could barely breathe to the point where she didn't even cry…and I couldn't 'elp her. I couldn't make it better."

"Nell…" Tommy whispered raggedly, not sure if he was begging her to stop or trying to soothe her.

She shook her head, hurt and angry as she tried to get him to understand, "I didn't want you to know that pain. I didn't want you to know how she struggled. She was such a stubborn little thing, our girl."

Tommy didn't think there was anything left of his heart to break, but Nell proved him wrong as he felt something shatter inside of him, "Jus like her mother."

"I'm no mother." Nell whispered disparagingly as she looked at him with haunted eyes, "I couldn't even get her to feed…how was I supposed to tell you that I couldn't keep our child alive? Tell me."

He felt like he had been rubbed raw as he bit back at his own tears. He needed to be strong, "I should 'ave been 'ere."

"I'm glad you weren't" She shuddered quietly and he knew she was back with the baby, "It was 'orrible."

A fresh wave of tears escaped down her lashes and Tommy pulled her into his arms. He needed to feel her, needed to know she was safe as she sobbed into his shirt. He choked on a cry as he buried his face into her wild hair. He didn't want this pain, but he wished that he could take it from her. He cursed her for carrying it so long. He cursed whatever need she had to protect him. She should have told him long ago.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, clinging to each other as if the world had ended, but Nell's quiet cries slowly subsided and he felt the tension begin to drift from her weary body. He was tempted to curl up with her on the grass to sleep, but he needed her to stay close for longer than a few hours of rest. He eased her up and gently guided her toward the path that she had tried to escape down earlier. Nell didn't say a thing as he tucked her close. She looked defeated in a way he had never seen before and it scared him.

They didn't speak as they walked back to her house. He waited for to remove her key as they walked up the front steps, but Nell simply reached out to push open the door. Tommy stared in disbelief at the unlocked door. She must have felt his sudden tension as she murmured tiredly, "Don't start."

He murmured another low curse as he made a mental note to strangle her in the morning, too wrung out to lecture her now.

 **xXx**

Nell woke with a headache several hours later. Her eyes still felt puffy from the amount of crying she had done and all she wanted to do was pull the blankets over her head and forget about the world. It wasn't going to happen. She wouldn't be able to stand it as her mind conjured up the pathetic wheezes and whimpers of her long gone baby girl. She cursed Tommy for bringing her memory back.

She sighed dully and shifted to move from the bed only to find a heavy arm trapping her in place. Nell twisted to look behind her at a still sleeping Tommy. She was only mildly surprised he was still there. She had ignored him the night before as she pulled off her dress and stockings to climb into bed in just her shift. Tommy had done much the same as he undressed to his skivvies and pulled her against him. Her heart ached too much to put up much of a protest and, as it was, she had been both grateful and leery of his presence as she dozed in his arms.

She bit her lip as she studied him in the morning light. He was so much more peaceful, but she could still make out the redden tracks on his smooth cheeks from the few tears he had let himself have. Her stomach turned as she remembered the betrayal in his gaze. She wished he had never found out.

Nell stifled another sigh as she tried to ease his arm his arm away. Unfortunately for her, Tommy had become something of a light sleeper as his grip tightened and his voice drowsily sounded, "Nell, go back to sleep."

Nell breathed out through her nose and pinched his wrist, "Let me up, I 'ave things to do today."

Tommy ignored her and reached for his pocket watch. He nearly groaned as he saw that it was half past six. They had been asleep for a little over four hours. He dropped back on to his pillow with a tired huff wondering how she was awake.

"Tommy." Nell growled lowly as managed to leverage herself into a sitting position. Her wild waves brushed against his face as she moved and he caught a glimpse of a love bite on her collarbone.

He brushed her hair behind her shoulder and Nell tensed slightly as she realized what had caught his attention. She stayed quiet as his gaze turned stormy. It was too early to be fighting with him, she kept her gaze steady as she muttered, "Don't start."

"What's 'is name?" Tommy asked quietly not taking his eyes off the mark.

Nell shook her head, "Doesn't matter."

He caught her wrist as she stood from the bed intent on getting ready for the day, "Nell."

She turned to him irritated and unwilling to address the issue. Her love life was none of his business – not anymore. He seemed to sense that she was at the end of her patience as he asked, "Is it serious?"

She wanted to tell him that it was, that she had been seeing someone for a while. She wanted him to believe that she had moved on and wasn't still as in love with him now as she had been as a teenager, but she had never been able to lie to him. She could skirt around the truth and keep silent, but he always knew when she lied, "No...He's a friend that I see every so often and then we go our separate ways."

"Good." Tommy murmured, "Good."

A possessive flash was her only warning before he tugged her down to capture her lips in bruising intensity. Nell gasped lightly, giving him entrance as he gripped her hip to bring her back down on the bed.

A familiar heat began to spread through her veins and she pulled back for air, nearly groaning as Tommy kissed down her neck. She slid her fingers through his short cropped hair and whimpered as he nipped at a particular sensitive spot, "Tommy..."

His hands slipped beneath her shift and Nell found herself arching into him as drew a finger teasingly over her wet slit. His touch left a burning trail over body and she nearly chuckled as she realized that he was nipping at her love bite. Jealous bastard.

She shifted and rubbed her knee lightly into his crutch. Tommy groaned at the friction and dipped his head to her clothed breast as he let it continue for a moment before reaching down to spread her legs. He was too impatient to deal with their clothes as he pushed his boxers down enough to free himself and thrust into her.

Nell cried out at his rough entrance, but her legs wrapped tightly around his waist pulling him in deeper. Tommy shuddered at her warmth and tightness. His blue eyes had turned a darker shade as he gazed at her desperately. Nell seemed to sense what he needed as she rolled her hips and leaned up to kiss him again. His hands tangled into her hair, tugging sharply back as he continued to push into her hard and fast. Her nails tore into his back and Tommy sighed as he let her quiet moans drive him on as she met him thrust for thrust.

The bed creaked in protest to their rough movements and all too soon they were falling apart. Nell cried out one last time as she convulsed around him. Tommy followed not long after as they collapsed into a sweaty tangled mess.

She gasped for air as she tried to collect her thoughts. How the hell did they end up here?

Nell glanced into his satisfied eyes and damn near groaned. Oh fuck.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: I really have too much time on my hands. The next chapter will be in a few days. Thank you for reading. I always appreciate feedback. Thank you: Judgin. All Day Every Day. burgessinthestreets, and Guest for the reviews. Please read and enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Ten**

 **Past**

"It's fine"

Nell glared up at Tommy as she tilted his head to the side to get a better look at his face. His left cheek was swollen with bruising and he could barely open his eye. The gash above his brow looked like it needed stitches, but of course he wasn't about to go to a bloody doctor. Nell sighed worriedly, "You told me, you weren't collectin' no more."

"I'm not." Tommy muttered as he pulled a cigarette from his inner pocket. He caught Nell's disbelieving glance and put a little more force behind his words, "I'm not, Nell."

It was true, he hadn't done any money collecting since he had found out that his mum was pregnant again. He had been doing more work inside the betting house, incase his mother or Aunt Poll needed him to get home quick or run an errand. Arthur had been too busy learning the finer points of the family business to be of much help and John-Boy still had school.

She huffed slightly as she demanded, "Then what 'appened?"

"Nothin'." Tommy answered sullenly, not willing to talk about what had occurred just yet. He lit his smoke and waited, knowing that Nell wouldn't just let it go.

Sure enough, the wildfire he so loved sprung to Nell's eyes as she forced back her worry to lecture him, "Thomas Michael Shelby, are you tryin' to tell me that you just mysteriously woke up this mornin' to find half your face tenderized by what looks like a bloody 'ammer?"

He would have smile if it didn't hurt so damn much. Instead, he cocked an amused brow as he replied cheekily, "Sounds about right."

Nell fairly growled in disgust as she reached up to gently prodded the bruising again. Tommy hissed as she touched a particularly sensitive spot, though Nell didn't look repentant as she continued to check the swelling. He could see there was more she wanted to say to him, but was putting in an extreme effort to bite her tongue. Nell's silences never boded well for him.

As he opened his mouth to tease her into an argument, John-Boy skirted passed them to go into the betting house. He didn't make it to the door before Nell latched onto the back of his coat to yank him to where they were standing. Tommy winced as he anticipated the explosion about to occur.

John let loose a wild curse as he twisted around to scowl up at an unamused Nell, "Christ! I'm not a fuckin' rag doll."

"Still child size, though." Nell murmured as she glanced over the angry fifteen-year-old. To be fair, John was barely an inch shorter than the nineteen-year-old Nell and was due for a growth-spurt.

Tommy nearly groaned as he watched his little brother vibrate in fury, but to his surprise Nell wasn't paying John any mind as she studied him. The usual cat and dog fight between his girlfriend and brother wasn't occurring. What was even more surprising was the way John stilled after a moment to look at her quizzically, "What ya lookin' at?"

Nell didn't answer as she snatched his cap off his head to reveal a three inch gash that went from the top side of his forehead to the right side of his head. A light yellow patterning of bruising surround the gash and Nell cursed under her breath. Tommy blinked in astonishment as he watched his usually aggressively bratty brother soften under Nell's worried gaze and put up with her careful examination of his wound. It was a rare moment when the two before him weren't tearing each other to pieces, "You need stitches."

"It's fine." John muttered as he reached out for his cap.

"Been hearin' that a lot." Nell murmured unhappily as she relinquished her grip on his hat, "It's gonna get infected and then you'll be sick and even more moody than usual."

"I'm not moody." John snapped back, though the effect was lost as he had to gently place his cap back on.

Tommy rubbed at the back of his neck as he tried to forestall a headache he could feel coming. Whatever temporary truce had been called was at an end, "How'd you know 'e was hurt?"

Nell arched a brow as she turned back to her boyfriend, "He didn't make a snide comment as he passed us, he's only quiet when 'e tryin' to 'ide somethin."

"I am not." John declared, slightly unnerved that Nell knew him so well.

"Are too." Nell didn't turn to him as she kept her gaze locked on Tommy, "Why didn't you say it was 'im?"

John objected, "I didn't -"

"Not you, ya bloody genius." Nell retorted tiredly.

Tommy sighed, cursing Nell for figuring it out so quickly. He wasn't in the mood to have a conversation about his father. He put out his smoke against the wall, "Come on, John-Boy. Looks like we're paying the doctor a visit."

John squawked in protest as Tommy gave him a silencing glare. He turned back to his girlfriend and pressed a light kiss to her cheek, "We'll talk about it later, eh?"

Nell's frown only deepened as she nodded in agreement, "Get yourself looked at, as well."

"Yes, dear." Tommy drolly, his blue eyes twinkling as she scowled after him.

xXx

Tommy found Nell hours later at Charlie's stable talking with Curly. Neither had noticed his quiet approach, but he could hear Curly telling her about the birth of a new foal that one of the mare's had given a few days prior. The older man was absolutely jubilant about the new addition.

Tommy smiled faintly as he called out, "You flirtin' with my girl, Curly."

Curly turned red as he sputtered shyly, "O'course not, Tommy."

Nell grinned at the blushing man, "Oh, but I was definitely flirtin' with you, Curly."

Tommy couldn't help his chuckle as Curly smiled bashfully at his girlfriend. Charlie stood off in the background, saddling a horse, he near rolled his eyes at the trio's antics as he called out, "If you three are done, Tommy, I need Merlin's Magic taken out for a stretch, eh."

Curly hurried over to help Charlie at that pronouncement as Tommy nodded in acquiesces before turning back to Nell's curious gaze. He held in a long suffering sigh as she looked over his face with a criticalness that was impressive, as it was unnerving, "Nell, I'm fine."

"Hmmm." Nell hummed as she took note of the bandage on the gash above his brow. She nearly sighed in relief, simply happy that he had done as she asked, "Is John alright?"

"Yea, he's fine. Cursin' you somethin' silly, right now." Tommy replied a little amused. His brother had not been happy about having a needle driven into his aching head and was fully blaming Nell for his pain, though the painkillers the doctor had given them was more than making up for it.

Nell rolled her eyes, "When isn't he?"

Tommy shook his head in exasperation, wondering if Nell and John would ever get along. He nudged toward her toward Charlie, wanting to be somewhere private for the conversation Nell would be pushing in a moment,"Come on, you can go for ride with me."

"Oh I can, can I?" Nell drawled sarcastically. It drove her mad when Tommy never asked if she wanted to something. He would just grab her hand and throw her into whatever half-thought out plan that he had created. It was an argument that they had gotten into far too many times.

Tommy sighed as he took the reins from Charlie, "Nell, don't start."

She stared at him petulantly as he offer her a hand, "Please?"

They stared at each other for a beat before Nell gave in and grasped his hand to swing up onto the horse. He followed behind a moment later, barely paying attention as Charlie order them back before nightfall. The couple didn't speak as Tommy had the horse trot around Small Heath. He didn't really have a direction in mind and found himself enjoying the way Nell leaned back into his chest, "You goin' to sleep on me?"

A breathy chuckle was his reply as Nell shook her head, "No... Go to the pasture, we 'aven't been there in ages."

"There's a word missing there." Tommy felt his lips twitch as Nell tilted her head back to glare up at him, "If I 'ave to do it, then so do you."

"Tommy, will you _please_ go to the pasture?" Nell replied drolly.

He chuckled and kissed the side of her head, "O'course, luv."

"You're such a brat." Nell murmured fondly as she practically felt his amusement. Despite his joking, Tommy guided the horse out of Small Heath towards the old pasture. It didn't take them long to get settled after Tommy had released the reins to let the horse roam free. He was rather sure that Charlie had wanted more of a workout for the horse and made a note to really get Merlin to run before they left.

He moved to sit against the stone wall as Nell leaned into his side, both watched as Merlin trotted about the pasture curiously. Normally, they would be making out by now, but he knew Nell hadn't made any move to kiss him today to keep from hurting him. And aside from her earlier question, she hadn't pushed him for answers to his wounds. He was both grateful and frustrated by her tact, but unsurprised when a few moments later she suddenly whispered, "So...what happened?"

Tommy sighed as he gave her a quick glance, "He was drunk, as per usual."

Nell's lips pressed into a firm line as she held in a curse, "And?"

"And 'e went after John-Boy. Yellin' something about 'im pesterin' mum too much...I don't know" He answered with a shake of his head.

Anger was still brewing in his veins as he thought of his father's recklessness. His mother had been screaming something awful when Arthur Sr. had thrown a bottle at her baby boy. Tommy had been frozen in surprise before he had barreled forward to keep his dad from doing more harm.

"And you protected lil' brother." Nell muttered sagely as she rubbed his arm, "Where was Arthur?"

Tommy shrugged, not wanting to admit Arthur had been passed out in the other room. The commotion had woken the older boy too late and he had only been able to pull Senior off Tommy before he would have been killed, "Out and about."

"Liar." Nell whispered knowingly and by his exasperated stare she knew she was right. She sighed and linked her fingers through his as she cursed Arthur Senior's name, "When we 'ave kids, your father is not allowed to be left alone with 'em."

Tommy snorted and tugged her to lean against his chest as he traced patterns into her back, "Done...You're not pregnant, now are you?"

A devious grin crossed Nell's face though Tommy couldn't see it as she said as lightly as she could, "Don't think so, I'm only a week late so far."

Tommy stilled as he stared down at the top of her head for a long moment, "Liar."

Nell couldn't help her giggling as she pulled away to glance at him, "Yea, but you were nervous there for a second."

"Such a terror, you are." Tommy said as he prodded her side teasingly, making her laugh that much harder.

Nell calmed a few seconds later as she made to straddle his lap. Tommy raised a suggestive brow that made her roll her eyes, though she did lean forward to brush her lips gently over his bruised cheek. His small smile turned affectionate as he teased her, "Don't know if you can kiss it all better, luv. We're not four anymore."

"Still works." She murmured back softly. Her finger traced where her lips just were as she said sadly, "Anything that will make it heal faster, so I can see your cheeky smile again."

Tommy huffed fondly, but leaned away from her touch as he slipped his hand into his coat pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He fiddle with the box for a moment before noticing Nell's dry stare. He smirked before holding his hand out to her, "Let me see your hand."

"Tommy, I don't want a smoke." Nell said tiredly as she shifted to sit next to him. Tommy grasped onto her hip to keep her from moving, however, as he pointedly snatched up her hand. She leaned back on her heels, watching him curiously, "What are you doin'? I swear if I 'ave to spit on my hand and do some strange shake that you boys do -"

Tommy snorted as he grabbed his pack again, "No, no spit. I promise."

Nell gasped a second later as she saw a silver ring slide from his cigarette pack and watched as he slid it onto her ring finger. He was almost shy as he met her startled eyes, "I meant to ask you on your birthday last month, but I didn't 'ave the ring then. Will you marry me, Helen Dahlia Donovan?"

A slow smile spread across her lips as she leaned in to gently claim his lips. She pulled back a moment later with a slightly mocking twinkle in her eye, "Yes, I will Thomas Michael Shelby."

He chuckled lightly at her use of his full name, but couldn't deny the relief that was rushing through his body. He knew Nell loved him, but he hadn't been sure she'd say yes, "Good."

"Did you really carry an engagement ring around in an empty cigarette pack?" Nell asked suddenly as she gazed down at her hand.

Tommy shrugged, "Had to keep you from findin' it, didn't I?"

* * *

 **Present**

"Well, we 'aven't done that in a while." Nell whispered sagely as Tommy slid off her to lie on the bed next to her.

He huffed a low laugh as his eyes found hers, "Six years, give or take."

There was a pause as Nell did the math, "Christ, it 'as been that long. We've gotten old."

"Speak for yourself, woman." Tommy said shrewdly as he watched her moved from the bed to the washroom. The sound of running water met his ears and he sighed. She wasn't going to make this easy.

He shifted to grab his slacks from the floor, meeting a pair of curious yellow eyes as he did. Tommy pulled back as the cat watched him fascinated. A paw came out to bat at the hand grasping his clothes, "You must be, Specter."

The cat's ears went back and he darted under the wardrobe as Tommy reached out to pet him. His yellow eyes never really moving from him. Tommy snorted and pulled on his trousers before meandering into the washroom. He found Nell wiping down her leg before reaching up to start pinning her hair. The love bit on her neck was more pronounced now, and he couldn't help his prideful grin as he looked at his handiwork.

Nell shook her head as she caught his gaze in the mirror, "You're such a possessive bastard."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." He murmured as he watched her get ready. She wasn't panicking, she wasn't smiling, but she wasn't frowning either. He had to step back as she moved to head back to the bedroom, her eyes on her wardrobe as kicked his shirt to the side. He tilted his head, "We gonna talk about this?"

"No." She tossed over her shoulder as she pulled out a clean dress.

He raised a brow at her indifferent attitude, "Nell..."

She sighed and turned to look at him almost angrily, "Just because we fucked, doesn't mean we're back to where we were, Tommy. We're not those kids anymore."

"I know." He said lowly as he moved to stand before her, "Believe me, I know."

There was a heavy silence as they studied each other, both looking for the people that they had been. Nell looked away first, biting her lip as she asked quietly, "Then what do you want, Tommy?"

He tilted her chin back towards him as he replied, "I want you to talk to me, because I miss talking to you."

Nell shook her head, feeling too weary for someone who had woken not even an hour ago, "I hate it when you do that."

"Do what?"

She stared at him sadly, "Say somethin' that makes my heart ache."

"Funny, I could say the same about you." He returned as he thought of all the things she had said in the past twenty-four hours that had nearly destroyed him.

Nell smiled bitterly and tossed her dress onto the bed, "I don't know that I'm ready to tell you everthin'. Don't know if I ever will be."

"That's fine. I don't need to know everthin'." Tommy assured, a small smirk coating his face at her deadpan expression, "Not all at one, at least."

Nell snorted, feeling crazy as she contemplated giving him what he wanted. Six years of silence was a long time, but she did miss him, "We'll see. I 'ave to get ready and you probably 'ave things to do."

"I can put it off." Tommy said loftily as he waited for her to give in, not liking the distance he could already feel building, but she didn't as she raised a curious brow at him.

"Tommy, just give me some time, eh?" She pressed firmly. She needed him to be away. She could never think straight when he was around and there was so much he didn't know...she had too much to do.

He sighed disgruntled, but gave a quick nod, "Fine."

The two dressed quickly, not leaving much room for more talk. She walked him downstairs to the door at a loss for what to do. She was unsurprised when he paused before leaving, "Why Charlotte, Nell?"

She blinked not expecting the question. His blue eyes glanced sharply at her and she shrugged, "A way of naming her after Charlie, I suppose. He was good to me after I told mum I was pregnant."

Tommy frowned, wanting to ask what had happen with her mother, but knew he would be rebuffed. He would get the whole story out of her eventually, but for now he wouldn't push. Though he did make a note to see Charlie, as well as John, "I'll be by later."

Nell nodded as she watched him leave. The moment the door closed behind him, she lean against the door and unleashed the panic she had been holding in. Things were about to become complicated. And she needed to decide which Shelby she was going to kill for spilling her secrets to Tommy. Huffing, she pulled herself together and made for the basement. She had to clean house.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: So this is getting a little more into the first season, no flashback this chapter. There's no Tommy and we're getting a little more into Nell's business. Please read, review and enjoy. Thank you: Judging. All Day Every Day and Guest for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Eleven**

A delivery boy.

That's what Alfie had called her and after the past few days, Nell was inclined to think him right. She bit her lip as her hand smoothed over the satchel she carried. Inside laid a pile of mending, some medicines for some of the poorer townsfolk she'd visit, and notes to be passed on to various individuals. A majority of the time her bag was filled with packages that contained her supplies. In truth, she doubted that she needed to wrap her papers and inks from public view, but people asked fewer questions about package delivery than they did about documents.

It had taken her longer than she would have liked to get her supplies smuggled out of her home and into the backroom of a lesser used warehouse. Yet, it was her side trips to drop off mending and medicines that kept people from noticing her constant trips to the working district. The only thing left in her basement was her work desk and her stone box trapped safely in the wall - which is where it would stay. Anything she needed she would pull out and take with her, but otherwise, she didn't trust having the documents kept in the warehouse. It meant more back and forth for her, but it was hindrance she was willing to accept.

Even still, her trips had given her an added benefit of hearing the rumors running through Small Heath. Whispers of a new inspector spread like fire as people speculated about his presence. In a few circles, the story was that the Inspector was in Small Heath to clear out the IRA and the Communists, in others it was the Bookmakers Gangs he was after, few ever mention the robbery at the BSA – robbery was too commonplace in Small Heath after all. Meanwhile, Nell could only curse the fact that the Inspector had arrived a day after her return to Birmingham. She had figured she would have a few more days before he made an appearance, but luck was not on her side. Campbell had been in town less than a week and already he was making life difficult.

As it stood, she still needed to get word to Johnny Dogs for a meet and get her cottage ready. James hadn't waited a week. He needed a safe house before the month was out, his dangerous man was getting too close.

"Miss. Donovan!"

Nell turned at the sound of her name, firmly broken from her musings. A poorly dressed washer woman made her way across the street, Nell sighed internally, but forced a smile to her lips as she greeted the woman, "Mornin' Mrs. Pratt."

"Mornin' child." Mrs. Pratt exclaimed with a beaming smile that showcased three missing teeth. Yet, her smile disappeared as quickly as it came as she fiddled with the pockets of her threadbare apron.

Nell raised a curious brow at the older woman's sudden nervousness. A good many of the washerwomen knew Nell on sight, would smile at her and greet her. This was mostly in part due to the medicines and spare coin the Nell would pass on as she made deliveries. Gratitude for a kindness rarely seen to them, "Is everything alright, Mrs. Pratt?"

The older woman grimaced as she drew a small pouch out of her apron to hand to Nell, "I – I never got the chance ta thank ya properly. The medicines ya got fer me Paul – I don't know what we would 'ave done. He 'ad been so sick, couldn't work and well I – I."

Nell hastily stepped forward and closed the older woman's hand back over the pouch as she realized what the older woman was trying to do. She could feel a flush rising up her neck as she tried to quell her embarrassment, "Mrs. Pratt you don't need to pay me. I appreciate the gesture, truly."

"We won't be 'avin no charity, Miss." Mrs. Pratt pushed and Nell could see the woman's sense of pride being bruised. It was a strange thing to see in Small Heath, but it was a sentiment Nell could appreciate. She never liked being given something for nothing. Tommy had learned that quickly when he had tried to give her gifts as a simple just because gesture. The amount of arguments that had led to still boggled her mind.

Her smile became a little more genuine as she murmured, "You are a rare bird in these parts, Mrs. Pratt."

The washer woman seemed to preen at that comment as she pushed the coin bag back towards Nell. It was only when Mrs. Pratt forced the bag into her hand that she realized it wasn't money the older woman was trying to give her. She curled her fingers around the paper that the washer woman had stored under the bag and pursed her lips thoughtfully as she negotiated, "Why don't we jus say you owe me a favor, eh? I much rather 'ave a favor than money."

There was a moment of silence as the two women contemplated each other before Mrs. Pratt broke off laughing and pulled the bag toward herself. Nell quickly slipped the paper into her pocket to be viewed later, "And ya say I'm the rare bird, luv?"

Nell merely shrugged with a soft smile as she tried to find a way to politely depart. She could practically feel time slipping away from her. Patience had never been Nell's strong suit, "Are we good then, Mrs. Pratt?"

The washerwoman waved her hand, still too giddy from hearing someone not wanting money to be serious, "Oh yea, luv. Ya need anythin' ya jus let me know."

Nell nodded sagely as she slipped past the older woman to continue down the street. She didn't make it far before she felt eyes on her. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as she purposefully kept to her path. A quick glance in a shop mirror showed her two familiar shadowy figures trailing her on the other side of the street. For a moment she wondered if Mrs. Pratt had noticed these men and that was the reason for her secrecy. She has to give him credit, his spies this time were blending in much better than Lenny had, but then Tommy had actually chosen bodies that blended into Small Heath's background. She sighed knowing that Tommy had Birmingham under his thumb. There probably wasn't a move she had made in the past few days that he didn't know about.

Nosy bastard.

"Miss. Nell! Miss. Nell!"

Nell sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as she turned toward the voice of a very familiar ten-year-old. Was there a light that turned on whenever she was thinking about one of the Shelbys? Finn dashed around bodies as he made his way to the pained looking woman. He didn't seem to mind that Nell wasn't greeting him with her usual sly smile as he tugged at her skirts, "Miss. Nell, you 'ave to come quick!"

Nell finally opened her eyes to stare down at the excited child as he tugged on her skirts. The scenario was all to eerily familiar to when he had dragged her from her house the week before when John's children were sick. She quickly snatched up the hand that was trying to tear a seam in her dress, "Finn, calm down. What's 'appened this time?"

Finn huffed in frustration as he pulled her in the direction of the Shelby house, "It's Arthur! He's 'urt bad."

"The why aren't you fetchin' the doctor?" Nell asked exasperated as she let the boy guide her. A pang of worry filled her body as she remembered the rumors of Arthur being taken in by the coppers. Jail was not a pleasant place for a Peaky Blinder to be currently. The tides of favor were moving against the bookmaker gang with the local police as Campbell made quick work of weeding out the Catholic guard for new Protestant men. She frowned as she finally noticed a black bag in Finn's hand, "Is that my medical kit?"

Finn frowned at her impatiently in return as he nodded his head, "Arthur won't see a doctor. Ada and Aunt Poll are trying to care for 'im, now."

Nell shook her head unsure which part of that answer she wanted to question first before deciding the less she knew the better. She did cock a brow as she growled lowly, "How'd you get my bag?"

"I 'ad the key from when I was feedin' Specter." Finn smiled innocently up at her.

She narrowed her gaze on instinct, "You stole toffees, didn't you?"

Smartly, Finn said nothing as he renewed his original determination to get Nell to the Shelby house.

It was a safe assumption that none of the older Shelbys knew what their youngest had been up to when he came hurtling through the back door of the house shouting her name. Nell tried not roll her eyes as she followed a few feet behind. Twice she had tried to get her medical bag back from Finn and twice had been thwarted by the little bugger. It was like he knew it was the only leverage he had to get her to look in on Arthur. Tommy and Polly were more than capable of caring for Arthur, she didn't need to be - Christ!

Nell paused briefly in the doorway as she took in the scene before her. Arthur looked like he gone ten rounds as someone's punching bag. Blood coated most of his face and she had to fight not to wince at the swelling that was starting to develop. Polly was trying to sort out his hands as John watched from the side. She wasn't even sure what Ada was doing placing wraps in boiling water, but she wasn't about to question it. Beyond the general surprise at her appearance, Nell sensed an underlying tension that boded of oncoming danger. There was no denying she was in the Shelby household.

"Aunt Poll, I brought Nell." Finn stated eagerly as she stepped into the room.

John commented before Polly had a chance, "What the fuck do you think she'll be able to do? She's not a doctor."

Nell ignored them as she stepped closer to Arthur, unknowingly taking up the same spot that Tommy had occupied moments earlier. She tipped a finger under his chin as she scrutinized his wounds, noting the stiff position he held himself in, "See you've been makin' friends."

"Can never 'ave too many, luv." Arthur replied sagely, his gaze weary and pained. She was careful not to ask questions about what happened. The heaviness in the air almost forbid it.

"She fixes people! She stitched up Mitcham Hayes last month!" Finn fairly shouted.

There was a brief moment of silence as everyone processed his words. Nell felt a moment of panic as she cursed the small child. Not many people knew about the small medical favors she did for others, it wasn't something she wanted widely known. Her eyes cut to Finn, "How'd you know about that?"

"All the kids know." Finn said plainly as if she should have already expected to be infamous amongst the Small Heath's child population. It's not like she was passing fucking toffees out in the street, "When Doctor Mac won't 'elp people, they go to you."

Nell bit back a groan as suddenly she felt four pairs of eye boring into her. Fucking lovely – she shook her head and picked up the bottle of rum that Arthur was nursing curiously, "Did you actually use any of this as antiseptic or is it all in your gut?"

Finn finally handed over Nell's kit as Polly answered, "Tommy used some of it to wipe 'is head."

Nell nodded, not daring to question where Tommy had drifted off to as she turned to Finn, "Since you're so good at breakin' into my 'ouse, go back and grabbed the jar of green goo under the bathroom sink, yea?"

She didn't watch as the boy darted off, but turned her attention back towards Arthur. Luckily, someone had set out enough cloths and water to make cleaning him up easier. She dampened a rag and went to work wiping away the excess blood. She worked quickly, barely noticing the quiet conversation around her. In all, Arthur was lucky. Only two of his gashes actually needed stitches, the rest were superficial at best. His nose wasn't broken by some miracle, though she made him put cotton swabs in his nostril to absorb whatever blood was inside. She pulled open her kit then to remove a needle and thick thread, as well as a small vial of cocaine.

She looked to Polly, "You got a small bowl?"

Polly nodded as Nell directed Ada to put the needle and thread into a cup of alcohol for a few minutes. She took the bowl from Polly and tapped a small amount of cocaine inside before dripping in a few drops of water to make a paste. Arthur watched her curiously, "Whatcha you gonna do with that?"

"I'm gonna put this on your deeper cuts. It'll numb it up for a bit so I can stitch you without you feelin' it." Nell murmured as finished with her paste and began to gently apply it to his wounds. She ignored his low grunts as she made sure to cover everything, "You take any body shots?"

"A few." Arthur murmured quietly, the alcohol he had consumed was taking effect and his eyes were starting to droop a bit. He wouldn't be awake for too much longer.

"Where'd you learn to do this?" John piped up as he watched Nell prep her needle.

She shrugged, not really wanting to answer that question as she decided to be as vague as possible, "Learned some of it from my mum, some from yours. Some I learned from the Lee's and the Roth's and the Gray's. Some I learned in London, some in Wales – all over really."

It took her a minute to realize she sounded a bit like Alfie when he was being obtuse and stifled a moan. She'd been spending too much time with the Jewish gangster. Polly, however, seemed to perk up at the information as she questioned almost lightly, "Is that what you were doin' when you left?"

Nell had to fight not to tense at the older woman's silky tone. It hadn't taken Nell long to figure out that John hadn't been the one to tell Tommy about Charlotte and while Ada knew just as much as her aunt and brother, she seemed to be at war with her older brother since his return from France. That left Polly, "Amongst various other things...Can you feel that?"

She prodded the edge of one of his gashes with the tip of the needle. Arthur grunted tiredly, "No. You left?"

A pang went through Nell at Arthur's innocent question. It was strange to have someone not know that she had disappeared for a few years. It seemed to be all anyone could talk about when she had finally returned home. She swallowed tightly, "Yea, after mum passed. I needed to get away for a bit."

"Oh." Arthur whispered softly, a shine of sympathy lingered in his gaze. He had done something similar when Louisa had passed, he understood that need to get away from the memories.

She ignored the sudden depressed silence as she went about her work. Arthur's abrupt docilness worked in her favor as she quickly tied the last of his stitches. She had begun to check his ribs when Finn came rushing back into the room with the jar she had requested. She smiled thankfully at the young boy and took a bit of the goo from the jar.

Arthur eyed her warily, "What the fuckin' 'ell is that?"

Nell chuckled lowly, "Jus some aloe. It'll help with the swellin'."

He leaned away from her and Nell raised an amused brow, "Don't be such a baby."

John chuckled behind her as he cajoled Arthur into letting her apply the soothing lotion. Though he wasn't laughing long as he suddenly was the one assigned with the duty to get him upstairs to his room. Nell was sure that Arthur purposefully put more of his weight onto his little brother than was strictly necessary as the duo stumbled from the kitchen. Ada and Finn followed anxiously behind, though Ada was less than encouraging as she made some comment about the two of them being more coordinated when drunk.

Nell snorted lightly and began to clean up her mess. The jar and some spare painkiller she had would stay with the Shelbys. Polly, however, just stood to the side and watched her – waited really. An anticipatory glint had entered the older woman's hazel eyes, "You seemed to 'ave learned a lot while you were away."

"Hmm." Nell hummed as she wiped down her needle and threw it into her bag.

Polly pulled a cigarette from the side of the stove as prodded, "It's nice to know that you weren't languishin'."

Nell raised an eyebrow at the word choice as she finally raised an unimpressed stare at the older woman. Polly sighed, "You gonna throw your punches or are we jus gonna pretend that nothin' 'appened?"

"You made it almost two years without tellin' 'im. To be honest, you lasted longer than I expected." Nell drawled lowly, though her eyes were dark with simmering anger.

"He deserved to know." Polly said firmly as she crossed her arms.

"No." Nell said softly, "He really didn't. He didn't deserve to know that he will never meet the child, we 'ad. He didn't deserve to know that his child did nothing but suffer in the few precious days she was alive. It's a wound he didn't need to bear, Polly."

"It's one you shouldn't carry on your own, either." Polly hissed back as she stalked toward Nell, "You were destroyed over that child -"

"All the more reason, Tommy didn't need to know." Nell growled as she flashed back to the betrayal in his icy eyes when he first asked her about Charlotte, "And don't pretend you told 'im to 'elp me, Polly. He barked and you jumped."

Nell should've have seen the slap coming, but didn't as she suddenly felt a sharp stinging in her cheek. Her harsh glare met Polly's, though there was no denying the older woman looked mildly horrified by her own actions, "Nell -"

Nell held up a hand and shook her head, "I think we're done."

She snatched up her bags and coat and fled from the house. Her breathing was ragged as she tried to control the furious tears that wanted to escape. God, she was fucking shaking and she wasn't sure where all the rage was coming from, because that's what it was burning rage. She made it two blocks away before she had to duck into an alley to calm herself, "Fuck!"

She slammed her foot into the brick wall she was leaning against, cursing quietly as she tried to pulled long deep breaths. A light stream of blood slither down her cheek that she had yet to notice, Polly's rings having caught against her skin. Her foot now throbbed in tandem with her face, but it was the shock she needed to pull herself together, "Fuck." she whispered lowly again.

She closed her eyes and slipped her hands into her pockets. The paper that Mrs. Pratt had slipped to her caught her attention as she felt it brush against her fingers. Nell grasped the scrap and pulled it out to view. Her grey eyes widen in surprise at what was written out on the small scrap. She nervously grabbed her things together again as she trotted off to the warehouse, she had some planning to do.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: So everything that happens between past Nell and Tommy is a bit like a tug a war, both pulling and pushing to find compromise with each other. Present Nell and Tommy everything basically ends up being a flat out war between the two of them because they're no longer looking for that compromise. It's everything or nothing for them right now. There are little compromises between them, but not with things they consider important now...if that makes sense. Thank you all for reading. Dont forget to review. Thank you to: jasH63, Judging. All Day Every Day, Moriartylives, Guest, StephLauren, and Gracie for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twelve**

 **Past**

Nell held in a sigh as she approached the betting house. She hadn't seen Tommy in days. Not since Aunt Polly had delivered the news about Louisa. The devastated looks on the Shelby children was not something she would soon forget. She had been driven from Louisa's bedroom moments before, caring the newly born baby Finn. It should have been a joyous occasion, but it had been terrifying and destroying. At night she could still hear Polly's frantic cries as she and Sadie had tried to stem the bleeding between Louisa's legs. There had been so much.

She shook her head as she tried to push the image away as she recalled Finn's pink whimpering face. He had been so quiet for a baby, but so loud in that house. It hadn't taken long for the Shelby children to greet their new brother. Anything to make the news of their mother untrue. Ada had been the first after she had pulled her sobbing face from Nell's skirts to peer at the baby. Nell had quickly accommodated her, not realizing then that she had been crying silent tears herself. She had showed the grieving girl how to hold her little brother before choking on a slight laugh as Ada had whispered, "Another boy, figures I'd be bloody surrounded."

It wasn't much, but it was enough to get her brothers to shake from their shocked state. John had quickly made a snide comment as he hastily wiped at his eyes before he moved to sit next to his sister and Nell only had to nudge to get Tommy to join them. Arthur…Arthur had taken some convincing. She had never seen him look so lost. Her heart had broken all over again for him. It wasn't right. If anyone should have died in that family, it should have been Arthur Sr. The lout hadn't even been present for his wife's labor. Louisa was supposed to be here. She was supposed to be driving Nell crazy with her mother over wedding plans. Christ, she wasn't going to get to see Tommy marry.

Nell stopped just outside the door of the betting house as she tried to control the pang of grief. It hurt something fierce and it would take her a few more days before the loss of her second mother set in, but for now she needed to see Tommy. Taking a deep breath, she entered the chaotic gambling den. She stepped to the side to avoid being bowled over by the rush making their bets and edge through the gated door to get to the calmer side of the shop. She didn't have to go far to see Tommy with his head bent over a book scratching numbers. He had bags under his icy eyes and it looked like he hadn't been eating. She frowned worriedly as she approached him. He barely glanced in her direction.

"Tommy." Nell said softly.

He grunted and continued to scribble.

Nell prayed for patience. This wasn't going to be pretty, "Tommy, put the pen down please."

"I'm busy right now, Nell." Tommy murmured as he grasped another paper, all but dismissing her. She tilted her head to the side and reminded herself to not be waspish.

"Polly says you 'aven't been 'ome much." She continued as if he hadn't spoken, "Only show for supper. You 'aven't been to stables. I've checked."

Tommy breathed out through his nose as he glared at her dimly, "I've been 'ere, Nell. I've been working because Arthur 'as decided it's a good time to disappear off the face o'the fuckin' earth."

Nell studied him silently, not missing the fact the he failed to mention his absent father, but then she doubted he was surprised by Senior's actions. Arthur Jr. on the other hand, "I sent Arthur to Johnny Dogs. He'll be back tomorrow."

"Fuckin' great, Nell. Then I'll be 'ere, won't I." Tommy muttered as he returned his attention back to the books.

"No, you won't actually." Nell said lightly, not surprised when he suddenly tossed his pen down to stare at her. It was a look that told her to leave, that he didn't want to deal with her, that she was getting on his last nerve. It was a warning which she happily ignored, just as she ignored her hammering heart, "Freddie will be 'ere in a few minutes. The two of you are pickin' up John and Ada from school today. Then you're gonna go to the grocers to get some treats and pick up more milk for the baby. And then you're gonna spend the next few hours with your family."

"And how am I gonna fuckin' do that, eh? The betting house doesn't close for a few hours still. No one, but me is 'ere to fuckin run it because _you_ 'ad to send Arthur away. And Blinder business doesn't end when this place is fuckin shut, does it?" Tommy spat, barely controlled fury painted in his eyes, "The world doesn't fuckin' stop because you want me to grieve with my family. I don't 'ave that luxury. So jus go 'ome."

"Don't give me excuses, Tommy!" Nell nearly growled as she leaned toward him, "There's this thing called askin' for 'elp that you've seem to 'ave forgotten about. You're goin'. Don't argue with me."

Tommy did growl at the end of his patience, "Fuckin' Christ, Nell! Jus because you want somethin' doesn't mean it's gonna 'appen."

"What I want, Tommy, is for you to fuckin' pull your 'ead out of your arse long enough to realize you're scaring everybody. This isn't like you! You don't hide – ever!" Nell snapped back before softening, "You're scaring me."

His eyes flashed dangerously, "Tough."

Nell caught sight of Freddie in the corner of her eye and knew that reasoning with Tommy was at an end. Steeling herself, she reached out to snatch the accounting book from his hand. She barely flinched at his wild cursing…too used to it from their fights to be fazed, "You're goin'. It's been arranged. I 'ave the books 'ere. Polly is coming to relieve me in an hour while mum stays with Finn. Stop fuckin' fighting me."

Tommy's chest heaved slightly as he tried to control his anger, but Nell could still see it. He snatched up his coat and hat, but not before she saw the faint look of betrayal in his gaze. She had yanked backed the curtains and was taking away his safety place and right now he hated her for it. He stormed to Freddie without even a nod of goodbye, barely even noticing the wary-eyed glance his best friend levied on him. She silently prayed Freddie didn't get punched.

Sighing quietly, Nell pulled the books across the table as she began to study Tommy's spikey scrawl. Her irritation with her fiancée fled just as quickly as it had arrived and suddenly she wanted to be with him, wanted to force him to talk to her. Yet, it wasn't what he needed. If there was anything that she knew about Thomas Shelby it was that he thrived off his family. He needed them far more right now than he did her. With that thought in mind she worked diligently for the next hour until Polly arrived. She shared her notes and then quickly departed for the stables. She needed to ride one of the horses, anything to distract her from Tommy. Charlie barely paid her any mind as she saddled up Merlin's Magic. The chestnut stallion leaned into her touch as she guided him about Small Heath. She stayed mostly along the Cut as she let the water and the rhythmic steps of Merlin to lull her into a dreamlike daze.

She hated to admit it, but it felt good to be numb like that for a bit. Her mind hadn't stopped whirling since Louisa had gone into labor. She wished she hadn't been recruited to help with Finn's birth. She wished she hadn't seen the light fading from Louisa's eyes as she caught sight of her new son. She wished she could take Tommy's pain away. She wished it didn't hurt. She sniffed and wiped quickly at her eyes as she pushed her morose thoughts away.

Finn, though. Finn was an absolute delight. It had been amusing the past few days to watch John and Ada's curious looks at the baby. They had taken turns whispering small secrets to the tiny boy that had nearly broken Nell's heart. The youngest Shelby was doing more for his sibling's grief than he could ever understand.

Nell bit back a yawn as she realized how late it had grown. Gently, she nudged Merlin to turn around as they headed back to the stables in the waning light. It was well past dark when she finally reached Charlie's. It was only when she entered the stable that she saw Tommy saddling another horse. He turned at her approach and she nearly missed the thinly veiled relief in his eyes as his expression turned dim. She managed not to sigh wearily as she prepared for another fight.

"Where the 'ell 'ave you been?" Tommy asked gruffly as strode forward to grab the reins from her.

Nell pursed her lips as she watched his jerky movements. She couldn't quite place his mood and it made her wary, "I was ridin', Tommy."

"It's night out, you should 'ave been back hours ago." He groused as he made quick work of unsaddling Merlin. He never truly looked at her.

"Tommy."

"Reckless -"

"Tommy."

"Pain in the fuckin -"

"Tommy."

"Throw you over my fuckin knee -"

Nell's eyes widen indignantly at that last comment. She'd like to see him bloody try. Growling under her breath she stalked forward and slipped between him and Merlin. Her hands came up to cup his face, "Tommy, I'm fine….why aren't you at 'ome?"

"My fiancée decided to fuckin' disappear." Tommy scowled at her sullenly before pushing her to the side to finish grooming the horse.

Nell sighed and leaned against the post of the stable, growing tired of his attitude and him acting like she was an inconvenience. She would murder him if it kept up much longer, "Your fiancée is more than capable of taking care of 'erself. I'm not another issue for you to take care of, Tommy."

"Except you are when you do shit like this. It's bad enough -"

"Don't you dare!" Nell snapped as she shoved at him. A slow fury building in her veins, "Don't you dare use me as another excuse to ignore your grief. Your family needs you at 'ome, that's where you should be, that's what you need."

"Don't tell me what I need." Tommy growled lowly, gripping her hands when she went to shove him again. He pushed her back into the wall, causing the few horses in the stable to start at the sudden sound.

Nell glared up at him defiantly, determined not to be cowed by his anger, "Then what do you need, Tommy?"

Tommy's jaw clenched as the couple stared at each other for a long moment. He pulled away from her abruptly as he turned to guide Merlin into his stall. Nell let her head fall to the wall with a tired groan as she watched him. She hated this. She hated the wall he had built around himself. Drawing a deep breath, she pushed away from the wall to saunter up behind him. She felt him tense as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his back.

"Nell…" He sighed wearily as he reached a hand up to place over hers. She squeezed him tighter and Tommy felt some of his anger boil down to a simmer. He was so Goddamn tired and she was so…so fuckin' stubborn. It wasn't fair, none of this was fuckin' fair.

"It never is." Nell murmured into his shirt, causing Tommy jerked as he realized he'd spoken aloud. Her slim fingers dug into his clothes as she forced him to turn around. Her grey eyes glinted miserably up at him, "Tell me what you want, Tommy."

He shook his head and pulled her into him, "You can't give me what I want, Nell…. No one can."

"I know." Nell muttered frustrated as tipped back slightly to nod toward the exit, "Come on, I could use a drink – sure you could too. And you can continue to berate me for worrying you."

Tommy smiled faintly as he let her drag him off. Her hand grasped his tightly and he couldn't bring himself to break away…he needed her.

* * *

 **Present**

It was late by the time Nell returned home. With more coppers out patrolling, it had taken her almost twice as long to make the trek from the factory. She was beyond exhausted and more than glad to be able to rest in her bed for once. She ruffled through her bag for her keys as she walked up the front steps. The day's events weighed heavily on her mind. Mrs. Pratt's note at the forefront while her smarting cheek wouldn't let her forget what had occurred with Polly. Irritation burned through her veins still as she thought of the older woman, but now wasn't the time to dwell on it. She entered her home swiftly, halfway to the stairs before she stopped dead.

She kept her gaze locked on the stairs as she stated, "It's becomin' a bad 'abit of your family to be breakin' into my 'ome."

"It's not breakin' when I 'ave a key." Tommy murmured from his spot in her sitting room.

Nell cursed lowly, she had forgotten to take the spare fuckin' key from Finn. She glanced dimly to where Tommy stood, not in the mood to deal with him, "Leave the bloody key and go 'ome, Tommy."

"Nell." He called almost reproachfully as he stepped slowly out to meet her.

Her temper flared at that tone as she pulled off her hat and coat, "It's late. I'm tired. Go– Why do you look guilty?"

She paused in her tirade as she caught the glint in his icy blue eyes. It wasn't much, to anyone else Tommy appeared his usual stoic self, but Nell knew that look. She had received it on the few occasions that Tommy had made a mistake with her and knew it…and usually he had done something huge. Her irritation was subdued as she felt her stomach drop, "Tommy…what did you do?"

" 'Eard you came by the 'ouse. Fixed up Arthur." Tommy murmured quietly, ignoring her question.

It only made the dread in her stomach worse, Tommy only avoided questions when he knew he wouldn't get away with lying. She pursed her lips as she studied him, "Finn, dragged me over. Seems like Arthur's met the new monster that 'as been lured to Small Heath."

Tommy glanced up sharply at her words and she wondered if he knew he looked worried, "What do you know of it?"

"You mean about the guns you're hidin' or Inspector Campbell?…I know enough." Nell admitted as she watched for his reaction. He cursed under his breath and turned from her. It was the only confirmation Nell needed and she wasn't sure if she wanted to knock sense into him or crawl into bed to forget the world, "Take it your feelin' guilty for Arthur then."

The was a tense moment of silence as Tommy decided on how to proceed. He had never counted on her finding out anything about the guns. He grumbled to himself before he turned back to her, "Seems Polly's been spreadin' secrets again."

Nell nearly snorted as she tilted her head, "Well she is good at that, but you're the one that jus told me, you 'ad the guns."

Tommy whispered his eyes widening slightly as he realized he had fallen for one of her old tricks, "Fuckin' hell."

He pinched the bridge of his nose as he stepped closer to her. He tried to quell the minor panic pushing against his chest and almost missed the way Nell's nose crinkled as she caught a faint whiff of opium smoke. He wasn't stupid enough to think she didn't know what that smell was, but prayed it wasn't an argument they would get into, "You can't say anythin', Nell. This copper is comin' down hard for those guns. I don't want you caught in this."

"You 'ave nothin' to worry about, Tommy. I've never wanted anythin' to do with Peaky Blinder business." Nell muttered sagely as she thought of how true that statement was. She shook the thought away as she looked at him blandly, "My key, we can 'ave the rest of this conversation tomorrow. I want to sleep."

Tommy crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway of the sitting room. A silent statement that she wasn't getting her key. Nell rolled her eyes as she stepped back to move towards the stairs. She wasn't kidding about going to bed. Her progress was impeded as Tommy suddenly latched onto her arm. His gaze had narrowed onto her cheek as she turned, the moonlight from the front window showcasing her cut and bruise nicely. She tried to shrug Tommy off as he reached around to turn on a lamp. She was never going to make it to bed at this rate, "Tommy…"

He ignored her as he pulled her into the light and tilted her chin up. She was amazingly patient as he inspected the light bruise -though the cut held his attention more. She sighed tiredly as she felt his gaze darken, "Who hit you?"

"Doesn't matter." Nell said indifferently as she felt her irritation come flowing back. She finally managed to get loose of his grip, "My key, don't make me call a locksmith."

It would be useless to call the local locksmith, they both knew, as he was in the Peaky's pocket. Tommy would only have to say the word to get another key to the house. He pushed into her personal space as he growled lowly, "Who fuckin' hit you?"

She narrowed her gaze at him challengingly, "What are you gonna do, Tommy? Cut 'em?"

"Nell." He said warningly.

She shook her head, "Go 'ome, Tommy."

She whipped around and started up the stairs, far passed the point of being done. She didn't need him getting in the middle of her tiff with Polly. She needed him to leave and she needed to go to bed before she did something stupid. She was almost to the landing when he called out to her again. His tone boarded on rage, "Helen Dahlia Shelby, get your fuckin' arse back down 'ere."

She damn near tripped at hearing him call her that, outrage coursed through her as she turned to stare down the stairs at him. His own blue eyes blazed up at her, apparently he decided to be stupid for her, "Oh no. No. No. No! You don't get to call me that Thomas. I am not your bloody wife."

Tommy was sure if there had been anything for her to grasped it would have been chucked at his head. He started after her as he realized she wasn't about to move. He smiled grimly as he replied, "The vows we took before I left would suggest otherwise, luv."

Nell returned the biting smile, "Not legal, doesn't count."

"Legality means nothin'. Gypsy vows, gypsy law." Tommy said silky as he stalked toward her, "You are mine."

"I 'aven't been yours for years." Nell hissed as she tried hard to quell the urge to hit him. She was not one of his fucking horses that he could lay claim to, she had thought he'd figured that one out ages ago.

Tommy carefully maneuvered her back into the wall, purposely putting her into a position that had him towering over her, "Somethin' that needs to be rectified. I'm not askin' again, Nell."

She scoffed and tilted her head mockingly, "It's amazin' 'ow much this isn't your business. – Polly and I 'ad words. I said somethin' she didn't like, so she slapped me."

Tommy paused as he studied her warily, "Word's over what?"

At the heated look she gave him, Tommy could guess. He felt a headache coming on as he filtered this new issue onto his list. For the second time that night he cursed, "Fuckin' hell."

Nell could practically see the gears turning in his head. It was the look he got when he was trying to fix things. Under normal circumstances she didn't mind it, but in that moment she knew he was trying to fix her. She had too much frustration pent up to even vocalize how much he needed to mind his own business and stay the fuck away from her affairs. She placed her palm on his chest to capture his attention, "Thomas Shelby, if you interfere in any way with your Aunt Poll and myself or - fuck it, my business - I will make it my bloody mission to 'elp Inspector Campbell find those fuckin' guns."

"You wouldn't dare." Tommy murmured lightly as he stared down into her fiery grey eyes. It wasn't her usual wildfire, what raged was darker, more controlled and by far, more entrancing.

"Try me." Nell growled as she pushed harder against his chest in an attempt to ignore the heat that was burning through her body at his heavy stare. She hated how easily she reacted to his mood shifts.

"I intend to." His eyes grew dark as he accepted her silent challenge. He leaned down to claim her lips, but hesitated at the last second. He smirked knowingly as Nell closed the distance and pushed herself against him. He groaned lowly as she bit his lip and nearly chuckled as she aggressively tore open his collar. He had needed her to take claim. He had needed her to be the one to step across that line this time…to be the one to want it. And at her angry glare, she knew exactly what he had been about. Yet, now he knew she wasn't about to deny herself, not with him.

He grunted in surprise a moment later as she suddenly kneed him in the stomach and stepped around him toward the bedroom. He leaned lightly against the wall as he tried to catch the breath she'd knocked out of him as she spat, "Ass."

A breathy chuckle fell from his lips. That was his Nell.

A moment later she called out into the hall, "You comin' or what?"

He didn't waste any time following after her.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: So this chapter progress more with the show. My next chapter will be more about what was going on before and during the war. I'm debating about putting Alfie in the next chapter. I have a few ideas. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter. Any feedback or ideas are much appreciated. Thank you for reviewing: Guest, Judging. All Day Every Day, Streetcatz, and Gracie.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine

* * *

 **Chapter Thirteen**

A loud banging erupted on Nell's front door the next morning, effectively waking the slumbering couple. Nell groaned tiredly as she burrowed more deeply into Tommy's arms. She had no desire to actually move from her bed. Tommy, on the other hand, reached over her for his pocket watch as the banging continued, "Who the fuck is that?"

"One of your siblings." Nell murmured off handedly. Her eyes were still closed and her hand groped blindly for the duvet, feeling cold. Her room tended to get a draft during the night.

Tommy raised an eyebrow as he pulled the blanket up for her, "How do you know?"

Nell snorted quietly and peaked a grey eye open, "They're the only ones that knock like that, fuckin' annoyin'. If it's Finn, it'll stop in a moment. If it's Ada or John, they'll stop and then find another way in. John usually picks the lock on the front door. Ada 'as more discretion and comes in through the back."

"You've got to be fuckin' jokin." Tommy murmured as he pushed his face into her hair. He was awake now, but like Nell had no desire to move. He realized now that she hadn't been joking when she had mention his family's proclivity to breaking into her home.

She sighed against his chest as the pounding finally stopped, "What time is it?"

"Quarter past eight."

Her sigh turned into more of a groan as she shifted to sit up, "It's John or Ada then."

"How often does this 'appen?" Tommy latched onto her wrist as she was about to move from the bed, "Nell, ignore 'em."

She gave him a baleful glare that told him how likely that was going to be, "They show up at least once a month, if not once a week. Your family doesn't like to be ignored, though I'm kinda 'opin' its John. I want see 'ow long it takes 'im to realize I didn't lock the door last night."

Tommy rolled his eyes as she pulled her robe on over her shift, more than content to let her deal with his siblings as he stretched on the bed. He was half tempted to make a bet about which sibling was at the door and if it was John how long it would take for him to get in. He couldn't believe this was even happening. Neither could a certain orange tabby that lept into the spot that Nell had vacated. She nearly snorted as she watched the stare off between her cat and Tommy.

It didn't take long to figure out which Shelby was entering her house as she suddenly heard Ada calling her name. Nell bit back a yawn as she sauntered out to greet the younger woman.

"Nell!"

"I'm comin' Ada. Wake the dead yellin' like that." Nell called back as she got closer to the stairs.

A faint, "She woke us." Came from her bedroom that Nell ignored.

She reached the edge of the landing to see that Ada was already halfway to her. She raised a curious brow, Ada was never up before nine and to see her with so much energy made Nell want to crawl back into bed. She really wasn't a morning person.

"What are you doin' still in bed? It's too nice a day to be asleep." Ada asked a grin splitting her face in two.

Nell, however, took in the rain splattered coat the other girl was wearing and leaned against the banister feeling vaguely amused, "What's wrong with you?"

If it was possible, Ada's grin became bigger as she raised excited eyebrows, "You know 'ow I've been seein-"

She paused as she saw Nell's frantic waving to shut up, her brow furrowed in confusion. If Nell had been closer she would have covered Ada's mouth. As it was she winced faintly as she suddenly felt Tommy's presence behind her as he looked over her shoulder, "Seein' who?"

Ada paled slightly as she saw her older brother, before her jaw dropped and she pointed, "Are you two back -?"

"No." Nell said firmly, missing Tommy's deadpan look that stated otherwise. She stared at him pointedly as slipped away to go downstairs.

Tommy merely took up her place at the bannister as he eyed his baby sister, "Seein' who, Ada?"

Ada pressed her lips into a thin line and glared up at him. A clear indication that a she wasn't going to say more without a fight. Nell grumbled to herself wearily, she hadn't even had a proper cup of tea – it was too early for this shit. Deciding to head off the fight before it could start, Nell tried to come up with a plausible end to Ada's earlier sentence. Sighing, she called up to him, "Ada's been seein' wings everywhere. She thinks it's a sign or some shit."

"Nell." Ada groaned in dismay. Nell was almost convinced that she was upset as the younger girl huffed and stormed into the kitchen, "Lady Simza says it is somethin'."

She shook her head and turned to look up at Tommy, noticing for the first time that he had pulled on his slacks and undershirt. He raised a brow at her, "Wings?"

"She's your sister." Nell said innocently, knowing that Tommy wasn't buying a word she was saying as she followed after Ada. To be honest, it wasn't her best work, but Tommy was going to find out about Ada and Freddy eventually. If anything she had bought Ada a few more days of secrecy before Tommy decided that his sister had stewed enough, "You want a cuppa?"

"Yea..." He called, having already moved back to her bedroom.

Nell smirked faintly as she trailed into the kitchen. She would be unsurprised if Tommy just stayed upstairs. She raised a brow as she watched Ada put the kettle on. Her excitement somewhat diminished by wariness. The younger girl looked at her anxiously, "Do you think he bought it?"

It reminded Nell of when the girl was fourteen and trying to pull pranks on her older brothers, she snickered lightly as she took a seat at the kitchen table, "No, but he'll leave you alone for a bit."

"How can you be sure?" Ada asked worriedly, casting an uncertain glance at the door.

Nell reached out and grabbed her hand, "Cuz I know your brother. He'll try and get Polly to tell 'im what you're up to, before askin' you again."

"Aunt Poll, doesn't know." Ada said quietly, a sense of relief drifting through the younger girl before she eyed Nell again, "Did he do that to your cheek?"

Nell looked at her in surprised, wondering vaguely just how bad her cheek looked if both Ada and Tommy had commented on it, "You know better than that. Tommy's a lot of things, but he wouldn't strike a woman. He would never do anythin' that would make 'im like your father."

"Da never -" Ada started but stopped as soon as she saw Nell's hard look, "I don't really remember 'im being so bad."

Nell scoffed and shook her head, "Take that as a blessin'. Can't count the number of times Tommy would get between your father and whoever he was goin' after."

"I just never know with 'im these days." Ada murmured sadly, not wanting to think about her lout of a father or how things used to be. She sniffed lightly and let a mischievous twinkle entered her eyes as she gazed pointedly at Nell, "So...?"

Nell shook her head in exasperation, "Ada, mind your own, eh."

The younger girl pouted slightly, but otherwise refrained from comment. She had learned long ago that trying to get Nell to speak on her love life was next to impossible. The girls chatted for a few more moments before Ada made her excuses to leave. With Tommy in the house she didn't want to say anything that could give her away. Nell smiled slightly as she watched the younger girl leave before moving to the stove to fix some tea. It had been a long time since she had seen Ada smile so much. Sometimes she was sure the younger girl enjoyed the sneaking around more than her actual relationship, but Nell wasn't one to judge…Not when her personal life was becoming more of a mess with each passing day.

As if Tommy could hear her thoughts, he appeared behind her as she poured the last of the hot water, "She gone then?"

"Mmhmm." Nell hummed as she waited for the tea to steep. She watched as he snagged a cigarette from the stove, still only half dressed, "Don't you 'ave things to do today?"

Tommy raised a brow as he slipped into a seat at the table, "You tryin' to get rid me?"

She slid his cup of tea before him, "Been tryin' to get rid of you all night."

"True." He snorted quietly in response and took a drag his cigarette, "So...you gonna tell me."

Nell blinked at the sudden departure from their banter, "Tell you?"

"Who it is Ada's sneakin' off to see." He said patiently as he watched her face.

She stared at him thoughtfully for a moment as she considered Ada's relationship to her brother's ex-best mate. She wondered if it was worse or better that Tommy and Freddy weren't friends anymore. Tommy wouldn't be happy either way, "You should talk to Ada if you want to know."

"You know she won't tell me." Tommy said brusquely. He ignored the small pang that statement brought. Ada didn't tell him much these days.

Nell felt a stirring of sympathy for her ex-fiancé, "She wants to, but she's also scared to."

Tommy scoffed, "She 'as nothin' to be afraid of."

Nell snorted and shook her head as she wondered if he remembered how miserable he made her when she saw other boys, "You're too protective sometimes."

He didn't deign to give her a comment as he puffed on his cigarette, a pointed stare her only reply.

She took her own seat as she eyed the stubble on his cheeks with an amused glance. It was unfair how good he looked unkempt. The two sat in a comfortable silence as Nell enjoyed her tea and Tommy his smoke. They didn't sneak glances at each other like they did when they were younger. Tommy, however, smirked knowingly as he caught her gaze drift to his mouth again. He finished his cigarette and tea before he leaned into her space and brought up her earlier words, "Not back together, eh?"

Nell levelled an unimpressed stare at him as she shook her head. Tommy took it in stride as he deliberately smiled smugly, knowing it would annoy her, "Then you better stop starin' at me like you want to go for another round."

"Now where's the fun in that?" Nell returned sagely as she ignored the butterflies in her stomach, "'Sides fuckin' doesn't 'ave to constitute a relationship."

It was Tommy's turn to look unimpressed, "It's us, Nell. It'll never be jus fuckin', and you know it."

Nell shrugged indifferently, not really wanting to have this discussion with him, "What 'appened to us jus talkin'?"

"We're talkin' now." Tommy murmured vaguely as he snaked an arm out to pull her onto his lap. Nell rolled her eyes, but didn't protest as she shifted to straddle him, "You jus 'appen to be more receptive when your aroused."

"You think so?" Nell undertoned amused. It wasn't that she was more receptive, it was that he was too distracted to care for answers. She ran a finger along his bristled jaw, enjoying the rough feel as she said, "You need a shave."

"In a bit." Tommy muttered as he kissed her.

Nell always felt like he was trying to devour her when he kissed her. His mouth was warm and soft – she always felt the ice of distance melt away at his taste. She sighed contentedly as he deepened the kiss, his scruffy skin reddening hers. Her fingers brushed through the soft fuzz at the back of his head. She stifled a moan as his hands trailed up the back of her thighs and leaned back, "No more...I'm too sore for it."

Tommy nipped at her neck, but otherwise calmed his movements as he rubbed light circles into her legs, "Whose fault is that?"

"Yours." Nell stated firmly as she draped a hand over the back of his chair, "You should know better than to let me get carry away like I did."

"Let you?" Tommy chuckled as he sat back to look at her disbelievingly, "Oh, but luv, things end badly for me when I try to tell you what to do."

Nell smirked vaguely as she moved to stand, "That's never stopped you before."

"True." He surrendered as he watched her place their cups in the sink, "I meant what I said last night."

There was a moment of silence as Nell paused uncertainly. She turned to lean against the sink as she tried to place where his mind was at, "You said a lot of things last night...not all of which I agree with."

"I know." Tommy murmured as he tilted his head back, "First, I don't want you near this business with the guns."

Nell crossed her arms as she felt dread fill her stomach. She knew he was messing with people that had a long reach and it did not bode well with her, "I believe that was somethin' we agreed on...you should 'ave some of your boys at the train station today."

"Why's that?" Tommy asked softly.

Nell swallowed nervously, not quite meeting his gaze, "A member of parliament is arriving today. He'll only been 'ere for a few minutes, but it'll be long enough for Inspector Campbell to give an update and receive any further instructions pertainin' to 'is investigation."

The air of the room turned cool as Tommy studied her, "How do you know this, Nell?"

She took a deep breath as she stomped down on her anxiety. She was giving too much away and she wanted him nowhere near her business. She had taken full control over every aspect of her life years ago and she had no desire to let Tommy interfere in it. She had to tread carefully, "I received a message yesterday, informing me that a letter had been delivered to Campbell by royal carrier. I did a lil' diggin' - didn't take long to figure out what I needed."

Tommy narrowed his eyes as he stalked towards her, "And why would someone think that Campbell receivin' a letter would be of interest to you?"

Nell 's lips pressed into a firm line, much the same way Ada's had earlier. He nearly growled as he met her stonewall, "Nell..."

"Don't push, Tommy. My business is my business." Nell said quietly as slipped past him to head back upstairs, "Which by the way, I would appreciate it if you would call off my shadows. It's unnerving havin' someone follow my every step."

Tommy was on her heels as he followed behind her. He grumbled to himself, "Apparently, they're not followin' close enough."

"Don't blame them, it's 'ard to follow someone who knows they're being followed." Nell murmured lightly as they made it back to her room.

He grimaced as she stared at him pointedly, "I don't blame 'em, I blame you."

She shrugged, not really caring either way as she pulled open her wardrobe. A folder containing a detailed report on Inspector Campbell laid at the top, but she wasn't quite ready to give that piece of information up yet. She pulled out a dress at random as she asked, "What's the second thing?"

"What?" Tommy asked, a little thrown by her turn in conversation.

Nell looked over her shoulder with a raised brow, "You said first earlier, that's usually followed by a second."

Tommy's gaze darkened slightly as he remembered, "Me voliv tu, Helen."

It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room at those words. Nell stared dazedly into her wardrobe, before shaking her head with a bitter chuckle. Images of crackling fire and softly spoken words filled her head. She whispered, "Stubborn bastard."

She missed Tommy's small smile.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: So I have mixed feelings about this chapter, but I think this will solve a few mysteries. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Please read and review. Thank you to: Judging. All Day Every Day and my two Guests for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Fourteen**

 **Small Heath**

She was stuck in a nightmare.

Nell swallowed tightly as she tried to ease the uncomfortable tightness in her chest. She sank into the tall grass of her pasture and closed her eyes. On some level, she thought she should be crying, but as she felt the weight of the silver ring on her finger all she could do was laugh. Hysterical snickering bubbled up in her throat as she kept her lips firmly pressed together. Had anyone been present they would have thought her mad.

Fifteen months.

It had been fifteen months and two weeks since Tommy had slipped his blasted ring onto her finger. Fourteen months since Louisa had passed and Finn had been born. Twelve and a half months since Arthur Senior had officially run out on his family, leaving Tommy and Arthur to take over the business. Three months since she and Tommy had spent more than an hour together at a time and hadn't fought over something inanely stupid. She was beginning to think she would spend more time with him if she were bloody horse. Two months since the mourning period for Louisa had ended, allowing Polly and Sadie to do more than whisper about wedding plans.

 _No roses – too cliché love._

 _Nell, your dress must have some lace to it._

One month since she had a panic induced nightmare revolving around the exact shade of blue the men's ties needed to be. She had hidden in Tommy's office for hours after that one, downing glass after glass of whiskey. He had found her in a drunken stupor and carried her home to sleep it off. She remembered his gentle reassurances and muted amusement as she swore to murder the next person to ask her about flowers. At the time, all she had needed was Tommy and remembered thinking as long as he was there, she would endure the entire circus their wedding was becoming.

It had been one day almost exactly since the wedding ceremony was to be performed. One day since she had been sitting in a robe in front of her vanity trying to calm her nerves. She had heard anxious whispers earlier that morning that would suddenly go silent when she was present. It did nothing to soothe her. The groom was missing...had been since the night prior. Nell had known about his disappearance then, not that anyone else was aware of her knowledge. She had gone searching for him during the night. She had needed to hear his voice and see his patient smile before the ceremony, but she hadn't been able to locate him.

An hour before the ceremony, she had yet to make any attempts to get ready when Polly had flown into her room, red faced and anxious in a way that made Nell unsure if she was angry or worried, knowing Polly it was probably both. She had barely blinked when the older woman had told her that Tommy and Arthur had been arrested the afternoon before and that it may be a few days before they were released. Which if she were honest was just icing on the cake, really. Her mother had noticed a tear in her wedding gown earlier that morning and was working on fixing it. The flower arrangements had wilted during the night and she...she couldn't have cared less because Tommy wasn't there.

Nell had sighed and smiled indifferently at Polly as she said, "Wedding cancelled then."

The older woman had stood unsure in the face of Nell's calm façade. She was sure that Polly had been expecting hysterics from her, but she had only felt numb and relieved. It was that second emotion that had her in hysterics now. What bride was relieved when her wedding was ruined?...The bride who hadn't spent more than an hour with her groom in months. The bride who was suffocating from her mother and fiancée's aunt. The bride who was so used to her fiancée being arrested that having it happen before her wedding was just – God, that was going to be her life. She was going to drown and he wouldn't be there…he hadn't been there. It seemed to be the thought on everyone's mind as they waited for her to break. She had nodded to every condolence and had shrugged off any ire that people expressed on her behalf. She couldn't be bothered.

Until now.

Until she had been able to slip away without anyone watching. She cried out as she felt her laughter give way to silent tears and the pressure in her chest slowly, but surely began to release and she felt like she could breathe again. She didn't know how long she had been sitting out in the grass, but as she watched the sun dip below the horizon and she wiped weakly at her face, her eyes caught the silver ring again. She twisted it around her finger for a moment before finally tugging it off and she felt lighter for it, unburdened. It was then she knew...she wouldn't be able to go through this again.

Oh God.

"Nell!...Nell!"

She looked up at the sound of her name and saw an out of breath Tommy rushing around the bend of the dirt path. His clothes were rumpled and sweat glisten off his forehead in the dimming light. She had no doubt that he had spent every second since his release looking for her. His icy eyes shined with relief and guilt as he found her. She smiled sadly and he nearly froze in place. She wondered if he knew what she was thinking. She wouldn't put it past him. She bit the inside of her cheek as he neared and asked quietly, "So what was it for this time?"

Tommy sighed lowly as he kneeled in front of her, "Nell..."

"Fighting? Stealin'?" She whispered curiously as she stared at him for a long moment, her gaze drawn to the bruise lining his cheek, "Suppose it doesn't really matter."

"Nell, I'm sorry." His hands came up to frame her face as he lent his forehead against hers. She had never seen so much anguish come from him before...at least not for her, "I'm so fuckin' sorry, luv."

She ignored the prickling at her eyes as she smiled softly. She grasped his hand lightly as she bent to press a kiss into his palm, "I know."

"I talked to Polly, she said she can get everythin' ready for tomorrow, but it'll be smaller than planned. I know it's not perfect, luv." Tommy said hurriedly, his thumb caressed her cheek, "Sadie looked ready to throttle me."

Nell felt her lips twitch, even as she felt her stomach twist in dread. It was a feeling she had become accustomed to in the past weeks, "She probably was. Mum was screamin' you curses yesterday. I'm surprised Polly didn't try, she was furious too."

"She was. I'm fixing it, though." He murmured as he tried to catch her eyes, "I promise -"

"Tommy." Nell said quietly and she didn't need to look to see the apprehensive expression on his face. She felt it in the way he tensed.

He tightened his hold on her hand, as if that would keep her from speaking, "Nell, please. Let me fix this – I can fix this."

A few tears escaped down her cheek as she heard the desperation in his voice. It rattled her something fierce because he was never desperate. Steeling her resolve, she took the hand still on her cheek and placed the ring in his palm. She choked on a sob as Tommy stilled completely, staring at her engagement ring. A fucking nightmare. She placed a quick kiss to his cheek as she whispered, "I can't, Tommy. I'm sorry, luv - I jus can't."

Somehow, she found the strength to stand and walk away from him. She couldn't sit there and watch the devastation she had just wrecked and she couldn't let him see how her heart was breaking...because she knew him. The minute he sensed her weakening, he'd pounce and she – she would give him anything. Anything – just as long as he was there and he couldn't promise her that and it was time she face that truth. Nell wasn't sure how she made it home, but she knew it was late by the time she entered the house.

Sadie didn't say a word as she took in her daughter's tear stained face and her ringless hand. She merely guided her up the stairs and prepared a hot bath. Her own heart broke as Nell whispered, "He's gonna hate me, now."

* * *

 **London**

"You know, luv, I don't think the doctor wanted you up and about jus yet."

Nell tried not to roll her eyes as she eyed the man across from her. She had one hand planted on the bed as she slowly shifted her legs to slide to the ground. She was sick of being in bed and was intent on getting outside, even if it meant crawling on all fours.

Alfie held his hands up in surrender at her dark glare, "Jus sayin', you could end up hurtin' yourself more and then you'll jus be back 'where you started. Seems counterproductive to me is all."

"Oh good. The twelve-year-old playing dress up and my Jewish neighbor agree on something." Nell ground out as she ignored the throbbing in her side while she shifted into a sitting position. She nearly smiled triumphantly, but felt a wave of exhausted dizziness overcome her as she stilled. She was not going to lay back down dammit.

Alfie raised a bemused brow as he watched her sway to the side, drawing deep breaths as she gathered strength for her next move, "Stubborn one, ain't ya?"

"You don't know the 'alf of it." Nell murmured vaguely as she placed a hand on the bedside table to help her stand.

"Really, luv. I don't think this is a good idea at all. You've only been off the medicine for a few days." Alfie pressed as he watched her shaky legs support her weight for the first time in weeks. It was like watching a baby deer finding its footing for the first time. Damn adorable, but also a bit of a nail biter.

Nell finally did let herself smile as she let go of the table. She felt sweat begin to accumulate on her brow, but she couldn't have cared less. She was finally standing up right.

"Well, look at you. Proud as a fuckin' peacock." Alfie drawled with a light smile.

His blue eyes widen a moment later as Nell wavered. He saw it happening much slower than it actually occurred. Nell's knees buckled and she went crashing to the floor on her back. She gasped for air as she felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes. Her side was on fire.

Alfie peered over the edge of his bed to see if she was alright and quirked a half-smile, "Bet your regrettin' not listenin' now, luv."

She glared dimmly up at him. She was beginning to hate him.

"Course, gives me a nice view now." He murmured lowly as he eyed her bare legs. The hospital gown she wore left little to the imagination. He didn't know where she got it, but he cried out as he suddenly felt a bedpan collide with his side. He stared in astonishment at the huffing woman, "Oy! No need for violence. Should take it as a compliment. 'Sides its not like I can make a move on you, now can I?"

"Oh, that's comforting." Nell weezed as she rolled her eyes. She had come to learn much about Alfred Solomon in the past week. She had found that the man was a hopeless flirt when he wasn't droning on about some nonsense. The man could talk for hours if she let him, but behind all the nonsensical prattle laid a keenly intelligent man that made her wary. Tommy had the same sharp intelligence, he was just much quieter. Alfie was deceptive in the way he observed more than he let on. He took in everything.

"You gonna move from the floor at some point?" Alfie asked as he looked down on her.

The gesture she sent him was less than polite and made him chuckle as she said, "No, I think I'm good here for now."

Alfie reached across to her bed and managed to grasp the edge of her pillow with his fingertips. With a dull grunt he pulled himself back and let the soft object fall onto Nell. She groaned lightly at the impacted which told him that she was in more pain than she was willing to admit. Definitely a stubborn one.

"Thanks." Nell murmured as she managed to tuck the pillow behind her head.

"No problem, luv." Alfie grinned as he watched her settle, "Since it seems you're not going anywhere soon. Why don't you tell me 'ow you got into nursin' her majesty's finest?"

"Well, that would be a short story." She muttered through narrowed eyes, "I'm not a nurse."

Alfie blinked in surprise, "No?"

"No." Nell said sagely. She sighed as she noted his curious gaze, "Ambulance driver and helpin' 'and, that's all."

"Ambulance driver? Interesting, not many women know 'ow to drive."

"More than you think do, actually." Nell said drolly as she stared up at the ceiling.

"Still...what made you do it, luv?" He pressed. He didn't take Nell as the type to do things out of civic duty.

She shrugged slightly, "Was passin' through Dover and saw a poster askin' for drivers. And I thought, why not?"

"Why not, eh?" Alfie murmured thoughtfully. It wasn't a sentiment that he saw from Nell either. The anguish he had seen when the doctor had blunder his way through telling her that she wouldn't have children was at the forefront of his mind. She was in pain. She was -, "So you were runnin'?"

Nell blinked as Alfie dove straight to the point. She thought about how much she hadn't wanted to come back. God, she could barely stand to be in England. London was still far too close to Birmingham for comfort….She remembered when she saw the notice in the post shop in Dover. She hadn't thought twice about what was being asked of her, hadn't thought about how close she would come to war. She just knew she wouldn't be _here._ She frowned, "Don't know if I would call it runnin'."

"What would you call it?" Alfie asked lightly.

"Forgetting." Nell whispered, "I would call it forgetting."

Alfie frowned as he heard the lingering sadness in her voice. He could understand pain, and he understood her stubbornness, but wallowing? He didn't understand wallowing. The duo shared a glance and Nell suddenly quirked a brow, "What did you do before the call to arms?"

"Me?" Alfie suddenly wished he had a smoke and some rum, "Oh, I'm a baker, luv."

There was a moment of silence before a sharp gleam of amusement sparkled in Nell's grey eyes, "A baker?"

"Yea, don't look at me like that. I bake bread." Alfie said almost defensively as he bit back a smirk, "I bake all sorts of bread. Brown bread, white bread – you name it."

Nell snickered before wincing in pain, "Alfie, please don't make me laugh it 'urts."

"What? You don't think I could be a baker. I'm a good one, I'll 'ave you know." Alfie said pointing a finger down at her, "In fact, my uncle wants me to take over 'is bakery."

Nell grinned, her eyes twinkling in a way that delighted Alfie to his toes…well the toes he could feel. The blasted cast he wore made him wonder if he still had a leg. She snorted quietly, "If you're a baker, then I'm the bloody King, sweetheart. I jus can't see standin' over a bowl of dough."

"Well you are mighty royal. And I stand over dough all the time. That dough 'appens to be worth several 'undred pounds and in a barrel." Alfie finished casually grinning as Nell shook her head in exasperation.

She smiled softly as murmured, "A bootlegger. I should 'ave guessed."

Alfie's eyes widen dramatically, "A bootlegger? A bootlegger, she says. No, luv, I'm a baker – I have my 'ands in all sorts of pies."

Nell chuckled again and groaned as she felt fire lace up her side. She didn't care, though. She couldn't remember that last time she had genuinely laughed, "You know what, Alfie? I think I'll keep you."

"Ah, luv. You know 'ow to make a fella blush." He beamed, as he puffed up a bit.

"Now who's proud as a peacock." Nell teased.

"Fuckin peacock, luv. It's fuckin' peacock."


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: The past few days have been the first in weeks where I've been able to just veg...it was nice, but alas I did not want to leave my readers hanging. Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoy this chapter. I always enjoy getting feedback (good and bad). Thank you to: blue wren, whowants2live4ever, Hannahkatiet, burgessinthestreets, Judging. All Day Every Day, and Krydawn for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Fifteen**

 **Small Heath**

She was trying to be brave.

Tommy found that mildly impressive considering most people knew better. He was a man to be feared, there was no point in trying to be brave. His gaze flickered speculatively to the windows of the snug as if expecting the new barmaid to be there watching. Grace, her name was Grace. He drew out his cigarette pack as he thought back to her singing. She had a beautiful voice…soothing. It was strange to feel soothed, calm – he hadn't felt either of those things since the guns had been taken by his boys. He was like a bullet ricocheting off of every smooth surface waiting for final impact. He sighed as he took a swig of whiskey, the door to the snug flew open as he did so.

He paused, briefly as he eyed John and Finn. The later of whom should have been in school. His baby brother was pushing the line with every day he was truant. Pushing his boundaries in his own way, Tommy knew – He, Arthur and John had done much the same, though they had been a little older when they had really started in, "Why aren't you off learnin'?"

John snorted as Finn looked at his older brother baffled, "It's Sunday."

The middle brother threw open the snug window to order his drink as Tommy mentally recounted the past few days. It sure as fuck didn't feel like a Sunday, not after having to shoot Danny anyway. He silently groaned as he realized he still needed to meet with Charlie. He playfully narrowed his eyes at his baby brother, "Is that an excuse?"

"I think Miss. Nell would call that a fact." Finn replied with a light smile that actually made him look more devious than innocent.

Tommy snorted, "I don't doubt that. Nell isn't your teacher."

"No, she's practically 'is fuckin' mother with 'ow much time he spends over at 'ers." John said as he ruffled the younger boy's hair and slid into his own seat. His grin dimming slightly as he caught the sullen glint in his older brother's eye. If Nell and Tommy had gone through with their wedding he had no doubt that he would have a nephew or niece a little younger than Finn now, "You shouldn't pester 'er so much."

Finn scowled, "I don't pester 'er. She likes it when I visit. …She gives me toffees and listens about the games me and Isiah play."

"I'm sure she does." Tommy murmured softly as he puffed on his cigarette, "Alright, what do you need Finn? You don't belong in 'ere."

The younger frowned disappointedly, but wasn't very surprised. Tommy almost never let him stay in the Garrison if the brothers had taken over the snug, 'business that he wasn't ready for', he was usually told. He sighed, "I need the key to Miss. Nell's. She said to get it from you."

Tommy paused in his drink as he eyed his little brother. He wouldn't put it pass Nell to use Finn to get her key back. The boy seemed guileless for once, however. There was none of the usual wariness that Finn got when he was in on some grand prank, "What for?"

"She needs me to take care of Specter again." Finn replied simply as if Tommy should already know what Nell was about, "She said she counted the toffees though and she'd know if I snuck one…do you think that's true?"

John sniggered quietly at the speculative look on the ten-year-olds face as he wondered if he could get away with a bit of thieving. Tommy smiled faintly himself at the look as he answered, "I wouldn't try and find out, Nell would make you regret it. She say 'ow long she'd be gone?"

Finn shook his head with a frown, though he brightened a second later as he cried, "But she'll be back for my birthday. She never forgets my birthday."

Tommy shook his head exasperatedly at the younger boy's excitement, it didn't exactly tell him what he wanted to know. His men had given him word earlier in the day that Nell had given them the slip. He had figured she would turn up sooner or later to give him grief for not removing her _shadows_ , he hadn't realized she had left town. A sense of unease wavered through him at not knowing where Nell had disappeared to. She had always been something of a trouble magnet, but it was the thought that she had possibly returned to London and her _friend_ that had his hackles raised. Try as he might, Tommy had never been able to quell his possessive streak when it came to her. It had caused problems on more than one occasion.

"Why do you 'ave a key to 'er house?" John asked suddenly a thoughtful expression blooming across his face, "I 'ave to practically break the door every time I go to see 'er. 'Course it's usually for 'elp with the kids – you think she's notice that? Could be why she ignores my calls."

The deadpan stare Tommy leveled on his brother let him know just how inane he thought that question, "Nell tells me, you actually do break into 'er house."

"Only when she won't answer." John responded blithely, a quick grin spread over his lips, "Annoys 'er something awful, it does."

Tommy nearly rolled his eyes, some things would never change. John doing everything he could to irritate Nell was one of those things, though Tommy believed Nell was secretly more amused by his little brother's antics than actually irritated.

Finishing the last of his drink, he gathered his cap and coat and nudged Finn out the door, "Come on, let' s go then."

He spared a side glance to the bar and caught a curious stare from Grace. He smiled internally at the woman's attention as he ushered Finn out the door. It didn't take them long to arrive at Nell's. Finn was hopping impatiently as Tommy unlocked the door and he had no doubt his little brother was going to try and sneak a candy. He kept a careful eye on the younger boy as he bounded up the stairs to Nell's room. He smirked quietly as he heard the indignant meows of a cat disturbed from his sleep. Finn appeared a moment later carrying the disgruntled tabby cat, a happy grin lighting his face. Specter looked less than pleased with the attention, but patiently tolerated the boy. Tommy couldn't help the amused turn of his lips as he watched the spectacle of Finn taking care of the cat.

"I don't think you needed to bring the animal downstairs." Tommy intoned lightly.

Finn merely grinned as he stroked Specter's fur, "Nell says it's good to make 'im move about. Else he gets fat."

"He's already fat." He returned as he eyed the overgrown tabby cat. As if the animal knew what he was saying, Specter pulled his ears back and pushed himself to rub against Finn's legs. Finn chuckled delightedly as he rushed into the kitchen. The cat not far from his heels.

It occurred to him as he watched that his little brother was rather familiar with Nell's home as he went about not only pulling out Specter's food, but putting away stray knickknacks that Nell had left about. For the first time Tommy actually took in Nell's house. It wasn't the one she had grown up in, but it was one of the nicer houses in Small Heath. The hardwood floors barely creaked and were well kept. Richly colored rugs covered the sitting room and hallway. He frowned as he ran his hand over an oak finished dry sink. It was simple, well-crafted and expensive. He eyed the rest of Nell's furniture and found it to be much the same. Her walls were adorned with a few photos and portraits, but not overly cluttered. It was elegant and homey in its simplicity and Tommy was sure that was why he had overlooked the value of what laid before his eyes.

How in the fuck did Nell afford all of this?

He wasn't a fool. He knew Nell was doing much more than mending and pushing drugs – though it was all that she let his boys see. And he knew for a fact that she wasn't whoring, the dry stare she had sent him when he asked had given him the truth. Then there was the mystery of the information she had received and passed on to him. She seemed to have eyes and ears all over…but why?

Tommy shifted restlessly as he waited for Finn to finish. He didn't like the secrets that Nell seemed to be keeping.

* * *

 **Warwickshire**

Secret keeping is what Nell did, however. She was rather good at it too. Sussing out information and using it to the best of her ability was a talent she seemed to possess naturally. It was also something of a curse. There were times when Nell wished she didn't know anything. She wished she didn't know about the guns Tommy was hiding and she wished she didn't know the names of the people she smuggled into and out of the country, but she did and there was little she could do about it. Sighing quietly, Nell threw her car into park and stepped out onto the dirt path that laid somewhere between Birmingham and Warwick. It was mostly farmland in these parts, but she had found one of the few glades of forest that had yet to be tilled.

She pulled her coat tighter as she felt the frosty bite of night approaching. Her steps hurried down the path, she had no desire to be out on the road once night truly did fall. She turned the bend, just out of sight of the main road and slowed. Three men stood not too far ahead of her. James's hunched form with his ever present cigarette was easy to spot, but it was made almost too easy by his new lumbering bodyguard. She eyed the bigger man uneasily, unwilling to admit even to herself why she was suspicious of the man.

James nodded as she stepped into their small circle, "Didn't think you'd make it."

Nell quirked a brow as she stole his cigarette, "Almost didn't. How the 'ell did you find the place?"

"Can't tell you all my secrets." James said with a small shrug, "Nell, I believe you remember Mr. Peter Havershim. He runs the houses in the south."

Nell took a moment to nod at the willowy man standing off to the side of James. He smiled politely back at her as he waited for the little meeting to start. Havershim was the most unremarkable man that Nell had ever met. It wasn't that he was boring or dull in any way, but it was the fact that she could never recall exactly what he looked like. She could see the man every day for a year and the minute she left his presence his face became a blur. She could never remember if his eyes were brown or green, if his nose was particularly large, if his mouth had a pout…Peter Havershim simply did not leave an impression. It was depressing in a way, but for the business of smuggling battered wives and refugees it had come in handy on more than a few occasions. Nell was sure than man had never been arrested in his life simply for the fact that he blended too well into the background.

James stole his cigarette back and breathed in a deep drag of smoke as he began, "As you all know, I 'ave recently run into a mite of trouble. One of our women that we sheltered 'appens to be not only the wife of a diplomat, but 'er brother is a highly political man 'imself. Smuggling 'er out of London 'as raised a few flags and set some very dangerous people to the ground lookin' for 'er and the people that helped 'er."

Nell sighed, "Your dangerous man is getting' too close then."

"He's exposed two more of our safe 'ouses after you left, Nell." James murmured lowly, a despairing look entering his eyes, "He's finding my places faster than I can get people out. Three refugees were sent back to the Continent yesterday. I don't know if they're even still alive."

"So you need us to take over." Havershim stated deftly, his gaze shifted back and forth between Nell and James. He didn't look nervous or irritated or even tired as he watched what looked like a silent conversation between the duo before him. Nell wondered if that was why she could never remember his face, he never displayed any emotion.

James shook his head, "I do need 'elp getting people to safety, but its more than that. My dangerous man is finding my 'ouses far too quickly. It's like he's been given a map."

"You think you 'ave a mole." Nell whispered, her lips pressed together in a firm line as she reached into James pocket to pull out another cigarette. It was a hard thing to admit. In their business trust had to be absolute, if it wasn't people had the tendency of dying. James trusted his people almost to a fault and the pain she could see lingering in his eyes let her know that he was taking the betrayal personally.

"It's not a thought anymore. I know I 'ave one." James muttered bitterly.

Havershim raised a brow, "Then what do you need us to do? We can't exactly suss out who is behind this. Nell 'as her business in the Midlands and I 'ave mine in Kent."

Nell tilted her head in thought, while James trusted his people, he would never give knowledge of all his locations to any of them – it would be too dangerous. She knew where the majority of his safe houses were kept, as she did of Havershim's as well. It was a necessary evil in case they transferred over borders. She was the main contact to the houses in the North as she was the North's contact to these two men in the South. She blinked in surprise as she realized what this meeting was truly about, "James…did you visit the two 'ouses that had been discovered recently?"

"Yes." James answered, his stare piercing her knowingly.

Nell felt her stomach drop, an angry glint entering her grey eyes, "I see."

"Would you two care to clue in the rest of the class?" Havershim asked almost impatiently as he shifted away from their little circle.

"Oh yes." James said and without so much as taking his eyes of Nell pulled his gun and fired it at his bodyguard.

Nell barely flinched as she watched the large man crumble to the ground, the reason James had chosen the remote location becoming that much clearer. She curled her hand around the gun she kept in her pocket as she dropped the cigarette. James now had his gun pointed at Havershim. The unremarkable man didn't blink, didn't move really as he stared down the barrel. James's green eyes glittered darkly, "It took me longer than it should 'ave, but I 'ad to be sure."

Nell raised a brow almost imperiously, "You suspected me. I don't know if I should be 'urt or honored."

"Sorry, Nell. You and Havershim, combined 'ave all the addresses to my safe 'ouses. The two that were exposed were ones you knew, Nell." James said softly, he had worked with Havershim for years and counted him as a friend much the same way he did Nell, "I 'ad to be sure."

"I'll ask what made you think it wasn't me later then, eh?" Nell countered briskly as she stared at Havershim. She tried to understand what the man had to gain from selling his information. With how many safe houses he controlled it didn't make sense, "There a particular reason why you chose to sell out now, Peter?"

Havershim said nothing. His eyes had tightened with the knowledge that he would soon be dead, giving answers was the last thing he would do. Nell, was unsatisfied with the whole affair. She had never interacted much with Peter Havershim. Messages were relayed through James, typically. She couldn't help, but feel that she had missed a trick with his man.

"Answer her!" James shouted the gun wavering in his hand slightly.

It was enough though, as Havershim pulled his own weapon on James. Nell tensed as she watched the standoff, between James's anger and Havershim's calm, she wasn't sure who would end up on top.

"I trusted you." James spat, the amount of pain in his voice made Nell blink. She was missing something.

Havershim smiled softly, "I know."

She wasn't expecting the scream that tore from James's throat or the wild shot he fired. She jumped back in time to see Havershim's bullet hit home, though. She reacted without thinking as she fired her gun. Havershim stumbled back and fell to the ground, never once having considered her a threat. She didn't bother to check to see if he was dead as she rushed towards James. He laid on the ground clutching his arm. She nearly sighed in relief to see that he hadn't been fatally hit. A cold anger tore through her as she tore her scarf from her neck and began to apply pressure to his wound.

James groaned lowly, "You were armed?"

"Pretty sure we were all armed." Nell murmured lowly, her grey eyes blazing furiously, "Want to tell me what that last bit was about."

The shame that coated James's face was unexpected and Nell nearly revoked her question, but her curiosity needed to be satisfied. A man she had considered a good friend had been ready to kill her today. James ducked his head as he whispered, "I've been… _visiting_ Peter for almost a year now."

Nell paused, only mildly surprised by what James was intimating. Her brow wrinkled as she said, "Really? You found that attractive?"

James stared at her stunned, "You knew about -?"

"Suspected." She answered as she helped him stand up. She threw her gun to lay beside the bodyguard, before retrieving the one he carried from his jacket. It was then she checked if Havershim was truly dead. She found no pulse and sighed in relief. Should someone stumble upon the bodies, Nell could only hope that it looked like Havershim and the bodyguard killed each other. She turned back to James, "You 'ave horrible taste in men. Come on, let's get you fixed up. I could use a drink right now."

James could only utter a hysterical chuckle as he watched her take control, "I do believe I owe you an explanation."

Now of this had gone as expected and Nell could only sense that something more dangerous lurked on the horizon.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: So I wanted to explore Arthur and Ada a little more. I love Ada's relationship with Tommy on the show and Arthur is like a grumpy teddy bear to me. A strange thought, but I can't help it. I hope you're all enjoying the story. Thank you for reading. Thank you to: Judging. All Day Every Day, Guest and Gracie for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Sixteen**

 **Past**

"He didn't mean to, you know."

Nell stirred tiredly at the sound of Arthur's raspy drawl. Her head was still pressed to the cool glass of her bedroom window as she twisted about to glimpse at the oldest Shelby brother. He stood awkwardly in the doorway, plucking nervously at his hat. It was almost painful to watch him, but some part of her had become numb in the past few weeks. She couldn't bring herself to care for his discomfort, not when she was trying to figure out how to move on. She quirked a brow, "I know he didn't mean to, Arthur. I know."

The older boy sighed, frustrated as he moved to lean on the wall next to her. She looked like a ghost to him. She was paler and a little thinner than the last time he saw her. It was obvious to Arthur that she was miserable, but not in the same way that Tommy was miserable. His younger brother barely spoken to anyone, at least not about Nell. He would talk business and he would play with Finn and look after John and Ada, but there was a forcefulness to all his interactions. He was throwing himself into anything that would distract him during the day and at night – at night, he would stare at Nell's blasted engagement ring and drink himself into a stupor. The quiet destructiveness was unsettling, "He loves you, Nell. Always has."

"I know." Nell whispered as she felt a wild ache at his words. She never doubted Tommy's love, it was the one thing she had been sure of since they were children.

"Then I don't get it. Why the fuck are you doin' this?" Arthur demanded as he gave her a hard look. He was tired of watching his family fall apart. This year had been far from easy for the Shelby family and the one event that was meant to bring back some joy had merely destroyed another piece of the brood, "Do you not love 'im anymore, Nell? Is that it?"

Nell's eyes flashed dangerously at the question, but she knew by the look on Arthur's face that he was determined to fix the disaster he was witnessing. She tucked her legs back on the window seat and gestured for him to sit, "Do you know how I felt when you and Tommy didn't show to for the weddin'?"

Arthur swallowed hard, he remembered how Tommy had raged in jail. His frustration at not being able to get out, guilt for letting Nell down. Arthur had felt his own burden of guilt knowing there was nothing that either brother could do, "I'm sure you wanted to fuckin' skin us alive - which would 'ave been welcomed by the way, after the way Aunt Poll tore into us."

Nell felt her lips twitch up as she shook her head, "I was relieved."

"What?" Arthur breathed, stunned at her confession.

Nell bit back at the prickling she felt at her eyes, she had cried enough tears, "Yea...It's not right, is it? A bride shouldn't be relieved by her weddin' being ruined, by her groom not showin'? And it's not that I don't love him, I do Arthur...so much."

Arthur blinked, wishing he had a drink. He wasn't good at this kind of thing, "Nell..."

"I'm not ready, Arthur." Nell whispered as if it were a horrid secret. Her brow furrowed as she fought for the words that would make him understand, "I'm not ready to be what Tommy needs me to be...And I can't ask him to wait for me to be ready. It wouldn't be fair to either of us."

"What are you fuckin' talkin' about? What do you mean?" Arthur growled, not understanding how Nell could be anything other than who she was, "You and Tommy 'ave been thick as thieves since you could walk. You practically 'ave your own fuckin' language sometimes."

"It was easier when we were younger. We could sneak off whenever we wanted and jus..jus be." Nell said sadly with a tilt of her head, "I haven't spent any real time with 'im in months and you know why?"

Arthur shook his head as he tried to recall if he had seen the couple together. He had seen plenty of both Nell and Tommy, but he had a sinking feeling that she was right. He hadn't seen them much time together.

Nell smiled wistfully, "Because Tommy is becoming the man 'e is supposed to be. He's learnin' the business, he's doin' everythin' he can to 'elp Polly with the younger lot. He's struggled with your mother's death and your bastard of a father. For the first time in years, he's growin' without me...and I'm still – still that uncertain six-teen-year old girl he first dated."

Arthur shook his head in disbelief, "So what?"

"I don't know who I am without 'im. I don't know what I want or who I want to be. Everything in my life 'as always revolved around him or mum. I don't know, but if all I end up being is a wife and mother because I can't figure anything else out – because I let myself fall into the easy path of saying yes, because it's bloody Tommy and he's all I've ever known...scares the 'ell out of me." Nell said roughly, as she choked on a sob, "If I 'ave to be the one that 'as to wait at 'ome for him, and worry if this will be the day he gets shot or hanged. If I 'ave nothin' to occupy myself because I don't know what the fuckin 'ell it is I want...I will hate 'im. Because every hour of my life will be about his...not even our life together, but his."

Arthur stared at her shock, his mind whirled as he tried to comprehend what she was saying. What he did understand was that what she was describing wasn't a small, simple issue, "Christ, Nell."

"I need to know who I am without 'im, because he's gonna be gone one day, Arthur." Nell whispered sullenly, feeling betrayed as a few tears escaped down her cheek.

Arthur sighed quietly, he had never been good with tears and he could count one hand how many times he had seen Nell cry. He had never seen her look so forlorn or scared as he realized that she hadn't called off the wedding because of nerves or anger…she was lost. He had a feeling that Tommy would understand what she was saying better than he did, "You should talk to 'im."

Nell shook her head, "No…he'll jus try to fix it and he can't."

"He's miserable, Nell. He thinks this is his fuckin fault, you know." Arthur said as he rubbed tiredly at his face, "I fuckin hate this."

She said nothing as she turned to gaze back out her window. He could still see the ache in her eyes though and grumbled under his breath as he rubbed her knee, "Why couldn't ya jus be pissed about us bein' in jail, eh? Fuck little sister, nothin' is ever easy with you."

Nell smiled sadly as she murmured, "Still little sister?"

Arthur couldn't help his soft smile as he nudged her, "You've always been my little sister. Fuckin annoyin' one at times too."

She huffed a laugh as she felt some of her ache drift away. Arthur's smile slipped sadly away as he pressed on last time, "Jus talk to 'im, please. Even if its jus to fight. He needs you."

Nell nodded as she thought maybe that was the problem. They needed each other too much…

* * *

 **Present**

"It's a strange sight to see you in a church."

Ada's voice seemed to bounce off the rafters as she approached her brother. For once there was no petty malice in her eyes, just a simple wariness mixed with slight affection. She smoothed the skirt of her dress as she slid to sit next to Tommy, "You're not afraid you're gonna burst into flames?"

"I think that would 'ave happened long before now." Tommy responded dryly as he raised a curious brow at his sister, "How'd you know you'd find me 'ere?"

Ada shrugged, a small smile splaying across her lips as she murmured, "I guess you could say it's my sisterly sense that let me know you were near. You know the sweepin' terror that echoes down the street signaling the presence of a Shelby boy, it's a bit like a that…only less scary and more annoyin', yea?"

Tommy snorted in disbelief as he eyed her in muted amusement. He had come to the church to be alone, not to find solace in God, but even here he could be found. His hand twitched almost impatiently for a cigarette as he studied his baby sister. It was strange not to see her hackles raised and her chin tilted up as she prepared to do battle. The almost puckish Ada before him was one he hadn't seen in years, one that he thought had disappeared when she started taking an interest in boys and had to fight off three overprotective brothers, as well as unwanted suitors. He pursed his lips thoughtfully as he asked, "What'd ya need, Ada?"

"Don't need anything." She said softly, "Jus wanted to check on you. You've been actin' strange and seeing you enter a church without Aunt Poll's proddin' had me worried the apocalypse was comin'."

"Funny. You worryin' about me?" Tommy teased quietly, expecting her to retort in a fashion similar to how Nell had when he had asked her the same question. He was surprised when she lifted serious eyes to meet his, "Ada?"

She shrugged off the concern, looking more mulish than puckish now as she answered almost bitterly, "O'course I worry. You're my brother and you tend to do stupid shit."

He sighed quietly as he felt the peaceful moment pass. Her hackles weren't quite raised, but Tommy could see that it wouldn't take much to put his sister on the defensive. He found himself suddenly missing the days when she would run to him for a story or even just a hug to make things better. He constantly had to remind himself that she wasn't a child anymore. Biting back a sharp remark, he straightened in his seat to face her more directly, "And what stupid shit 'ave I done to worry you now?"

There was a long pause as Ada shifted uncomfortably as she huffed, "Nell."

Tommy nearly froze, his gaze hardening as he asked almost indifferently, "What about 'er?"

Ada glared at him in a way that made him both want to throttle her and smile, "I don't want you to 'urt 'er. She's been through so much, Tommy. And the two of you…you've always been right explosive to the point where both of you walk away bleedin'. I don't want to see that 'appen again."

"Are you trying' to warn me off Nell?" Tommy questioned tiredly. He really didn't appreciate Ada's interference. Anything that happened between he and Nell, should stay between he and Nell.

"No." Ada almost shouted in frustration, feeling as if she wasn't being taken seriously, "I'm trying to tell you not to do whatever the fuck it is that you two usually do. I'm trying to tell you not to fuck it up."

Tommy felt his lips twitch up slightly at her exasperation, "You know Nell and I aren't back together."

"Please." Ada scoffed with look that said she wasn't stupid, "Nell may like to deny it until she's bloody blue in the face, but you wouldn't bother if you weren't already set on it happenin'...again."

"Ada.." Tommy sighed, his weary expression telling her to mind her own business more than any words he could use.

The brunette scowled lightly, "I'm jus sayin' don't do anything stupid. Nell loves you for some fuckin' reason and there's things that you don't -"

Tommy stiffened slightly as she broke off what she was saying and stared ahead. He could see the struggle Ada was having to keep Nell's secrets while wanting him to have a fair shot. He pushed, "Things I don't what, Ada?"

"Nothin'." Ada murmured sullenly.

He decided to take pity on his sister as he whispered softly back, "You mean Charlotte?"

Ada's gaze snapped to him in a strange mix of shock and relief as she said, "She told you."

Tommy shook his head, "No, if Nell 'ad her way, I would never know."

Ada slumped back into her seat as she grasped her brother's hand. She tried not to sigh miserably as she noticed the muted ache in Tommy's eyes. In truth, she didn't know how to feel about Tommy knowing. She had never pushed Nell to tell him like Polly and John had, but she felt that Nell shouldn't have to carry that burden herself either. She was sure that Tommy hadn't been told everything and Nell wouldn't admit to more than what he would bring up. Biting her lips she confessed, "The pregnancy wasn't easy on Nell...Polly had 'er stay with us after a particularly bad row she 'ad gotten into with Sadie. Finn loved it, he 'ad a new playmate."

Ada didn't have to look to know that her brother was listening intently as she met his gaze. He may not want her prodding into his personal life, but he wasn't goning to stop her from telling him what he had missed, "It was strange to see Sadie and Nell at odds."

Tommy shook his head as he tried to picture it. After Nell's father had died it had just been the Donovan girls. Sadie had never tried to find another husband and Nell had done everything she could to keep a smile on her mother's face. He couldn't really see the pair fighting either, "I've seen them disagree, but I can't imagine Sadie being that upset with Nell."

"Nell told me it was more than the baby that Sadie was angry about, but I don't understand what more there could be." Ada said softly, "Nell went into labor about two months early. She 'ad been fighting with Sadie when it 'appened. Scared the fuck out of all of us. We 'ad to take 'er to the doctors because she was bleedin'...she lost so much blood we were told she may not make it."

 _...the doctor 'ad to cut the baby out of 'er. I thought she was gonna die..._

Tommy went pale as he recalled his Aunt's words. He hadn't put too much stock in them as he knew Polly had a tendency for the dramatic. The thought that Nell could have died while he was away was an unbearable one. It was strange to consider that he had been safer in a war zone than Nell had been at home, "Nell said Charlotte was a stubborn lil' thing."

Ada smiled softly, "She was, but that only makes sense considerin' her parents. It was a bad time for Nell. I think some part of her blamed Sadie for Charlotte's passin' and when Sadie passed...Nell seemed to jus hate 'erself. I don't think things got any easier for 'er after she left either."

Tommy stared at her quizzically as his sister frowned bemusedly, "I don't know how to explain it, but she was different when she came back."

And that was a sentiment that Tommy understood, because Nell was different. She was quieter and she had lost the wildfire for something that burned far darker. It was the second time that he had let Nell down, that he hadn't been present for her. He sighed tiredly as he thought of his grey eyed mystery, "She 'as so many secrets now."

Ada snorted quietly as she murmured back, "Bit like you."

"And you." Tommy tossed back as he raised a sardonic brow, "Wings?"

His sister flushed slightly under his knowing gaze, "Lady Simza says it means somethin'."

"You're a 'orrible liar. Are you sure you're a Shelby?" Tommy intoned lightly as he hid a smile at Ada's indignant look. He scowled lightly as he said, "You can 'ave your secret for now. Jus don't make me regret it, Ada."

A small smile spread over her lips as she eyed Tommy knowingly, he wouldn't stop looking into her secret...he just wasn't going to give her grief about it, yet. She smothered a snicker as she realized Nell had been right. She sent him a scowl of her own, "Fine, jus don't be fuckin stupid with Nell."

The deadpan look on Tommy's face made her gaze glimmer in amusement, "Ada?"

"Hmm?"

"Mind your own and leave me be."


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: I needed some Tommy Nell interaction. Warning there is a sex scene in this chapter. Let me know what you think. I'll have the next chapter up soon. I'm in the process of packing for a move so time is...an elusive entity right now. Thank you for reading. Thank you to: Judging. All Day Every Day, ilynany and Guest for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Seventeen**

 **Present.**

 _Organized chaos._

 _It was the only way to describe the field hospitals, Nell thought, organized chaos. She had pulled her ambulance up next to tents and dilapidated buildings a hundred times, but the procedures were the same no matter where she went. Pull up to the med bay, throw open the back of the truck and help pull out whoever was inside while calling for the staff on duty. Questions were fired, information passed over, paperwork signed and then she either helped with the wounded or was given a new assignment. Everything happened at a mind numbing speed that never gave her much time to think, until now._

 _Nell swallowed tightly as she pulled a sheet over a boy not much older than John. She pushed that image away quickly as her stomach tightened with anxiety. She needed to believe her boys were safe, anything else was unacceptable and unbearable. She turned her gaze back to the draped cloth. He had been written off as a lost cause the moment he had entered her ambulance, but she still had to try. Her grey eyes watered slightly as she filled out her paperwork...she was almost used to the death – almost. Her pen hovered for a moment as she stared at the line asking for the patient's name. She didn't know it and she didn't want to pull the sheet back to find his tags. She didn't want to see the boy's innocent face again. Dropping the pen into her lap, she rubbed tiredly at her neck._

 _She didn't want be here._

 _Not today._

 _Charlotte would be two._

 _Nell winced as she felt a pang hammer through her heart. She grasped her paperwork and hurried to fill it out. She didn't need time to think. She just need to do...something - anything._

 _"Fuck...Fuck. Fuck Fuck."_

 _Nell glanced up startled to hear the vulgar cursing passed through Harriot's lips. The nurse was usually much more composed and elegant. Cursing was not for a lady she had told Nell once when Nell had let use a few choice words of her own. Nell had made some snide comment in return which had somehow endeared her to the blonde nurse, "What's a matter 'arry?"_

 _Harriot huffed frustrated as she shoved her papers toward Nell. All of it was official documentation to be passed back to the patients. Orders to either return to their posts or transport paperwork to be sent home. Nell raised a brow, not understanding what was the problem. Harriot pointed towards the bottom. Signatures were missing, "The last transport for these men is in an hour. We won't 'ave another for two weeks."_

 _Nell blinked surprised, "Why?"_

 _"They're moving camp. Everything is being diverted until setup is complete." Harriot grumbled as she looked over the treatment area nervously, "We'll still be getting' men in though."_

 _Nell's mouth dropped open slightly as she realized the implication. With no transport out of the field hospital, but wounded still being received the tents would be overrun, "Fuck."_

 _"That's what I said." Harriot murmured as she glanced at the paperwork again, "We need the surgeon and the commander to sign off on these. The commander is off-site and surgeon...well he's fuckin' surgeoning. "_

 _"I don't think that's a word." Nell muttered distantly as she took a look at the paperwork again. She knew who the surgeon was, knew his signature by sight. She did not know who the Commander was however, "You 'ave anything the Commander 'as signed?"_

 _"Maybe. Why?" Harriot questioned curiously._

 _Nell looked her uneasily as she decided to do something she hadn't done since school, "We're getting those boys out on their transport."_

Nell blinked tiredly at the memory. It was the first time she had ever forged anything on a government document. It was strange how just a few simple signatures to get a few soldiers to where they belonged had turned into a small business with full scale documents. It was those signatures that had led her to James. She smiled fondly at the slumbering man in the seat next to her. James K. Seymour, Lieutenant-Colonel and Surgeon for his Majesty's Army. The sly fox that James was, had found out about his signature's forgery almost a day after the men had left camp. She still wasn't sure how he had figured out that she had been the one to forge his signature. She had a sneaking suspicion that Harriot had said something...but now so much had changed.

"You think rather loudly."

Nell's smile turned amused as James blinked open sleepy green eyes, "And what did you 'ear?"

James tilted his head thoughtfully as he murmured, "I 'eard, James is bloody adorable when he sleeps."

"That's only cuz you're not speakin'."

His hand pressed against his heart, "You wound me, Nell."

She snorted as her gaze drifted briefly to his arm. The duo had long since removed the bullet and bandaged his arm. The only hint that James was hurt was the faint stain and hole on his black coat. Frowning almost churlishly, Nell turned her gaze back to the road, "You never told me why you shot your bodyguard."

James stiffened slightly before shifting to watch her profile, "He was the only one with me when I visited the last two 'ouses. Sides you, that makes 'im the only other person to know those locations."

Nell bit her lip, she had thought that might be the case, but had hoped fervently to be wrong, "If your bodyguard told the information to Peter then he could 'ave told others. London base is gonna to 'ave to be reorgainzed."

"I know." James muttered unhappily.

Nell held in a sigh as she heard the pain in his voice. All James had ever wanted to do was help people, it was unfathomable to him that people would want top stop that. Yet, she knew there was more to his pain. Peter Havershim's betrayal as a colleague and lover would render a bitter scar on James, "You're gonna 'ave to go to ground."

"I know."

"Do you 'ave a place? I can get you new credentials that isn't a issue."

James huffed and shook his head, "I've never considered that I would become this compromised...I jus don't understand. Why give out all the information on the 'ouses? Peter could 'ave just given them my name...but everything is being dismantled brick by fuckin brick."

"I don't know James." Nell said softly as she ignored the quite rage in his gaze and pulled into Warwick's train station. She pulled open his coat to grab a pen. She turned his hand over as she wrote an address, "Go 'ere. Ask for Alfie...tell 'im that you need a safe house for a few weeks, till I can get back to London. Tell 'im, I'll owe 'im a really big favor. He loves it when I owe 'im."

James stared at the address on his palm with a frown, "When you say Alfie -"

"Alfie Solomon."

"Nell!" James cried in disbelief, his eyes the size of saucers, "You want me to go to the head of Solomon's betting 'ouse and ask to be kept safe. 'Ave you gone mad! Do you know what that man does?"

Nell shrugged, unconcerned, "He's a friend. And if you mention my name no 'arm will come to you. I swear."

"How are you- No, don't answer that." James started as he tried not feel like his world was spinning out of control.

Nell bit her lip to keep from commenting. Alfie was really just a drop in the bucket compared to some of the other men she was acquainted with. Yet, she wasn't about to mention any of those men to James, he spent had spent half his life keeping people safe from men the like Alfie. She gave him a soft smile as he climbed out of her car. He needed to get on a train to London and start cleaning house as soon as possible. The couple shared a long look and Nell made a mental note to send a messenger to Alfie once she got back to Small Heath. The Jewish gangster would shelter James for her, but he wouldn't like the sudden surprise and she expected to receive an earful the next time she visited.

* * *

 **Past**

She would be furious. Tommy knew she would be, but it seemed to be the only way to get her attention these days. Not that he had done this on purpose…for once. He sighed tiredly as he sat on the stonewall of their pasture. He didn't exactly want to be here, but he knew that Nell would find him and when she did he wanted the privacy the small field provided.

Seven months.

It had been seven fuckin' months since she had given him back the ring. Seven months of not talking, of not fighting or kissing or fucking. It had taken him a week to realize that Nell was serious about calling off their engagement and month to understand that they were no longer a couple. He had spent days waiting for her to come find him, to finally yell at him for being an idiot. Almost twenty-two years of friendship and six years of being in relationship couldn't just be over. Not like that. Not because he was a fucking idiot and got arrested. Except, Arthur had told him that wasn't why she had left him and had given him some bullocks excuse that Nell was lost.

What the bloody fuck did that mean?

He grumbled to himself as he remembered seeing her leaving the pictures with the grocer's son. She didn't look fucking lost then! Not with the way she had smiled softly at the tosser. She should have been smiling at him. His fingers twitched for a cigarette. He was done with waiting for her to come to her senses. He was done drinking himself to oblivion to just get some fucking sleep. He was done…he was done with missing her.

That sentiment couldn't have been more true as Tommy felt something hard collide with his back. Cursing lowly, he whipped around to see a seething Nell holding a shoe, with another low curse he ducked as she sent it careening at his head. If there was one thing he could never fault Nell for it would be her aim. He didn't know how many times he had taken cover from flying projectiles when she had been in a mood, but he had given her enough practice to know that her throws always flew true. He barely took notice of her bare feet as she stormed toward him. A dark fire raged in her grey eyes that spelled trouble, "You bastard."

"Nell." Tommy stated calmly.

"Don't you Nell me, Thomas." She snarled, her hands clenched in a way that made him unsure if she wanted to hit him or she wished she had something else to throw. It was fascinating to watch as Nell struggled vainly to gain control of herself as she thrust an accusing finger at him, "Get 'im outta of there."

"Nell."

"He doesn't belong in prison. He's not a part of Peaky business, Thomas. You 'ad no right -"

"I 'ad every right."

"You 'ad none!" Nell cried out, anger making her voice waver. Her face was flushed as she stared at him despairingly, "Get 'im outta there."

Tommy remained unmoved as he tried to find the words to calm her, but there were none as he pushed out, "He is under the protection of the Peaky Blinders. Nothing will -"

"Like hell." Nell whispered as she dragged a hand through her unpinned hair and paced before him, "Michael doesn't belong in prison. He's a good man, Tommy."

"Unlike me." Tommy said softly.

It wasn't meant to provoke Nell, but with the way her back suddenly straightened it was like she had been struck. She turned to stare at him coldly, disbelievingly, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Tommy shook his head, hurt and frustration cropping up as he tried to stay calm. Yet, seven months of not talking and not being able to say anything to her were building up in the back of his throat. She wasn't here to discuss the way their relationship had ended. She was here to get Michael Bennett out of prison for the Peaky Blinder business he had been conducting on Tommy's behalf. She was here because she knew that Michael was soft, prison wasn't a place he'd survive. She was here because Michael Bennett was a man she still cared for – and God did that hurt. His mouth opened to lash out before his mind had a chance to stop him, "It means that you've never tried to do for me, what you're doing for Michael."

"You 'ave got to be fuckin' jokin'." Nell whispered incredulity, hurt flashing in her wild grey eyes before being smothered by indignation, "Are you blaming me for you getting arrested?"

"No."

"It sure as fuck sounds like it. If you wanted to punish me, then punish _me_." Nell ground out as stepped closer to him. Blazing like the fire in her eyes, "Is that what you want, Tommy?"

Some part of him did. The unbearable hole she had created demanded it. And wasn't that why he had come to the pasture? Why he had wanted to privacy when she came to him? His control was pulled tight as he took in her fiery form. He suddenly felt too warm as his voice sounded softly, "What I want? What I want is for you to come to your fuckin' senses!" Nell growled and moved to reprimand him, but Tommy would have none of it, "I want to go back to the day I was fuckin' arrested and keep it from happen'. I want my Goddamn ring back on your finger and I want you in my bed where I can fuck you until you can't even remember your own name. That's what I want, Nell. I want you back where you belong."

He nearly smirked as he watched a familiar flush crawl up her neck. Her voice raspy and thick as she responded, "You don't know where I belong."

He closed the space between like a predator closing in on its prey. His hands grasping the soft folds of her skirt as he yanked her into his warmth, where she could feel every inch of his desire, "Like hell, I don't."

Nell pressed against his chest as she said warningly, "Tommy…"

He bent, his lips hovering not far from hers, "Tell me, you don't want me, Nell. Tell me, you don't want this."

Her fingers curled into his shirt as she stared at him desperately, her anger replaced by wariness as she pushed harder to break his hold. She was a mix of contradictions as she fought to break free and hold on, "Wanting you 'as never been the problem."

"Good." Tommy murmured as he crashed his lips to hers. She resisted him for barely a token of a second before he felt her melt. His hand moved to cradle the back of her head, his fingers twining in her soft, unruly curls as he tried to pull her even closer. It was heaven to finally be able to touch her like this, his personal tormentor. She sighed and he took the opportunity to delve deeper. Her mouth was as warm and soft as the rest of her. His other hand slid along the waist of her skirt, searching for the elusive button that would gain him access. It didn't take him long to find the wooden toggle as he quickly undid the garment and let it fall to the ground.

"Tommy." Nell started in surprise as she felt the cool breeze against her legs. She broke slightly from the fog he had pulled her into as she leaned away from him. Tommy didn't budge an inch as he turned his attention to the sensitive spots of her neck. His hand now free to slither up her blouse to trace and pinch her nipple. She muffled a moan as she lurched into his touch with a gasp, "Tommy, we shouldn't."

He pulled away enough to look into her eyes then. His irises dark with feral lust as he took in her swollen lips and delicately flushed skin. His hands traveled down her sides to slipped beneath the band of her underwear, "Your mouth is saying no, but -" He ran his fingers through her soft thatch of curls to trace over her wet lips. A sinful smile playing across his lips as she whimpered, "Your body is saying yes."

"I hate you." Nell sneered as she lurched forward to claim his lips again. He stumbled back a step as she tried to take control, but he wouldn't let her.

"I know."

They ended up a tangled mess of limbs as he ripped her blouse off. Her camisole and brassier joining it a moment later as she got his shirt off. He growled as her hand slipped beneath his trousers to stroke him. Her hand, warm and dry, created a pleasant friction as she rubbed against him lightly. Her mouth bit softly at his chest and he groaned before sweeping an arm under her legs to get her onto the ground. Nell grunted lightly as she laid back in the soft grass. Her grip shifted to grab the waistband of his pants to him down onto her. She was impatient as he took his time rediscovering her body. Tommy kissed, touched, and nipped at all the places he knew she was sensitive, that made her wriggle and mewl until she was a wanton mess.

"Thomas." She cried hoarsely sending chills down his spine.

His eyes danced mercilessly as he responded, "Yes, luv?"

"Fuck me already." She pleaded as she hooked a leg over his hip.

"Not yet." He murmured much to her protest as he pushed her underwear down enough to expose her wet curls. She watched him with dark eyes as he stroked one finger then two through her curls again before slipping them inside her in a slow thrust. Nell arched up in response an unsatisfied sigh leaving her lips as Tommy pressed down on her hip. Fire tore through her a moment later as his mouth joined his hand. She could feel him smiling at the choked cries he pulled from her lips. His tongue traced and tasted every inch of her. His grip tightened as his teeth grazed over her nub causing her to jerk in surprise and pulsing pleasure. He did it several more times until she felt a familiar pressure building and heightening until she was sure she was going to go mad.

"Thomas!"

He pulled away right as she was about to teetered over the edge. Her eyes blazed angrily as she felt her pleasant haze begin to ebb, "Thomas."

"Shh, luv." Tommy murmured above her as she leaned up to see him kicking off the rest of his clothes before he was on her again, "Now I'll fuck you."

Nell had to stifle a grin as she wrapped her legs around his waist, "Evil bastard."

"Always." He rasped as he kissed her again letting her taste the herself as he thrust into her. She cried out at the abrupt intrusion, but tightened her hold to urge him on. It didn't take them long to find a rhythm as he pressed into her again and again. He went almost achingly slow, knowing that she was impatient to finish, that she was balanced precariously on the edge. The frustration in her gaze made him smile in satisfaction as she tried every trick she could to change his pace. He chuckled lowly as she tried to find purchase beneath her as she arched her hips up. He quickly imprisoned her wrists above her head as he whispered in her ear, "Helen, take your punishment like a good girl."

She yanked on his grip, unsurprised when he didn't move. She whimpered lowly as he surged a little faster before slowing down again. Never letting her get used to his tempo. He was going to kill her if he kept this up, "Thomas please."

He let his torture continue a little longer as he felt himself coming to end of his patience. With a deep thrust, she tightened impossibly hard against him. Her legs trembled and he felt the familiar spasms of her finally going over the edge. He cursed as she cried out falling apart seamlessly causing him to quicken his movements and find his release. He kept perfectly still above her as the world finally came spinning to a stop and he could breathe again, "Come back to me."

Nell sighed softly, her wrists still locked in his grip as she shook her head, "No."

Tommy felt something inside him break as stared down at her desperately. He rolled off her to stare up at the sky, not wanting to see her face as he asked, "Why?"

And then Nell had the same conversation with him that she had with Arthur months prior. Only this time there was more yelling and cursing and frustration because it was Tommy. Her Tommy who looked like he would carry her off to Gretna Green in that moment if he could have his way. Her Tommy who had pulled his shirt on her as they were screaming at each other because she had started to shiver in the evening breeze. She was spent emotionally and physically as she tried to make him understand -she wasn't ready. He glared at her and muttered a few choice words in Romany before he stormed over to his coat. For a brief moment Nell was sure he was leaving, but he merely pulled something out his pocket before coming to sit next to her again. It was her ring and she groaned miserably at the sight of it, "Tommy."

"Jus shut up and listen, alright?" He said as he unfastened the necklace she had around her neck and slipped the ring on, "You need time? Fine. I'm not gonna pretend to know what the fuck it is you need right now cuz I don't even think you know. I'm not gonna pretend to be 'appy about this. I'm fuckin' not. But this ring is yours and when you've figure out whatever it is you need, then I expect to see that bloody ring back on your finger and you will come to me and we will get married."

Nell smiled faintly as she cocked a brow at him, "You're being oddly reasonable."

"No, I'm not." He murmured back as he refastened the necklace and pulled her onto his lap, "I'm praying that you'll get pregnant tonight and you won't 'ave a choice about comin' back to me. Which by the way we're not leaving this field till mornin'. And if I see you with other men, I'm not gonna be nice. I will make you want to beam me with another shoe."

She nearly rolled her eyes, "You make me want to throw things at you regardless. As for the pregnancy thing – a girl always 'as a choice."

Tommy stiffened, his icy eyes blazing as he captured her chin, "Nell, don't. Don't you ever get rid of our child."

"Tommy." Nell said softly, not meaning to upset him.

"Promise me."

"I promise I won't."

The two stared at each other for a long moment before Nell reached up to sooth a hand through his hair. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, "Jus come back to me…that's all I want."

 _Tommy awoke with a jolt as he felt his dream – his memory slip from him. He had made her promise to never get rid of their children. He remembered with absolute clarity. He had made her defy her mother. A sinking feeling drowned in his gut as he stared up at the ceiling. He wondered if Nell blamed him for her estrangement to her mother. He wondered if that was why she hadn't come to him when he had come back from France. The baby, her mother…that was his fault. He should have been with her._


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: A bit of a filler chapter in my opinion, more excitement will happen next chapter. Monisha is term of endearment in Romany meaning loosely wife or girlfriend. Hope you are enjoying the story. Please leave any thoughts or comments you have. I always appreciate feedback. Thank you to: Judging. All Day Every Day, Guest, Gracie, and xXBriannaXx for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own only what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Eighteen**

 **Present**

She was exhausted and if Nell thought she could fall asleep she would have schlepped home to crawl into bed. As it was, her mind was bubbling with questions that had no answers and the impassioned look on Peter Havershim's face. Four years of moderate acquaintanceship with the unremarkable man whose face she could never quite remember and now it was seared into place by one careful bullet. Her stomach clenched with guilt before she closed her eyes to shove it away. Peter had led to the destruction of London base harming, killing and brutalizing God knows how many people as a result…she would not let his death matter. She couldn't. Yet, the anxiety continued to crush through her veins and Nell knew he would always linger in the shadows of her mind. Another ghost to haunt her in a long line of ghosts.

Sighing quietly, Nell crossed the street and pushed opened the familiar doors to the Garrison. The pub was relatively quiet for the late afternoon, but the quiet suited her just fine as took measured steps to the bar. A few of the older gentleman littered the tables, she nodded to those she recognized before claiming a stool. She didn't see Harry which was unusual as the evening rush would be heading in soon. She leaned over the bar to grab a glass when murmuring from the back of the pub caught her attention. Hey greys eyes turned to the back tables quickly catching sight of big man with a shock of orange hair, a cigarette hung from his lips and Nell nearly groaned as she recognized him as Big Pauley. A factory worker who spent more time drinking than working. She would have ignored the wastrel if the wrist he had in his grip didn't belong to nervous looking blonde. She didn't recognize the woman, but had heard whispers of a new barmaid, her features were delicate and as Nell took in her clothes and hair – she looked a step above most women in Small Heath. However, she did recognize the look on her face as she tried to tug her wrist free of Pauley's hand, disgust mixed with fear. The look ever woman received when dealing with a man who couldn't understand no.

Nell looked longingly at the bottles lining the mirrored wall of the bar as she huffed and called out, "Pauley, gettin' another drink doesn't require your 'ands, jus your mouth."

The room seemed to still despite the few inhabitants that remained as Pauley's wild green reared up to find Nell. A slow smile spread across his face showcasing a few missing teeth and she fought against another turn to her stomach, "Jus 'avin' a chat, Nell."

"Another concept that only requires your mouth." Nell flung back tiredly as she gave a pointed glare to his hand, "I would like to be served sometime today."

Pauley stared defiantly at her for a moment longer, a sense of unease entered him as Nell's eyes seemed to turn colder. The blonde chit wasn't worth the trouble and he suddenly let her go with an appreciative glance. Nell didn't bother rolling her eyes as she turned back to the bar to finish grabbing her glass. The blonde was next to her before she had a chance to finish, "You didn't have to do that."

Nell raised a brow at the soft Irish lilt, "I didn't do anything…Jus words."

The blonde seemed to withdraw at the comment, a small smile forcing its way to her lips, "Still…thank you."

"Thank me by bringing me a drink. White rum if you've got it." Nell said wearily as she belatedly wondered if she should have just gone home. She had a few bottles she could indulge in there, though there was something innately depressing about drinking alone. She watched semi-curiously as the barmaid flitted about choosing a bottle and glass. She nodded in thanks as her drink was slid across the wooden bar to her.

"My name's Grace, by the way."

Nell forced a polite smile to her lips as she prayed that Grace wasn't chatty. She really should have gone home for a drink, "Most call me, Nell."

"Nice to meet you, Nell." Grace replied softly as she grabbed a rag and began cleaning up behind the bar. Nell ignored the quick side glances that she received from the other woman as she sipped on her drink, mentally counting till the blonde broke down and spoke whatever was on her mind, "You'll have to tell me, your secret on how to handle some of the rougher men around here."

Thirty-five seconds. Nell sighed as she put her drink down, "Not much of a secret. Jus don't give 'em an inch. 'Sides Pauley isn't all that bright, not 'ard to out think that one."

Grace nodded, not sure how to proceed, "Do you come-"

She broke off as the Garrison door opened and the quiet chattered in the pub died down once again. Nell didn't bother to turn and look, knowing there was only three men that could cause that reaction and by the burning she felt in the back of her neck whichever Shelby it was, had already zeroed in on her. Holding in another sigh, she took a large gulp from her drink wondering why she ever thought coming into the Garrison was a good idea. She made bad decisions when she was overly-tired.

"Whiskey, Mr. Shelby?" Grace asked, a slight sparkle had entered the blonde woman's eyes that made Nell raise an amused brow as she finally tipped her head back to catch Tommy's icy gaze. He must have nodded because another glass was placed next to hers as she smiled bitingly. If he saw the silent message to fuck off in Nell's gaze, he ignored it to sit next to her.

"You've been gone awhile." Tommy commented offhandedly, but Nell could hear the undercurrent of displeasure in his voice.

"Mmm." Nell hummed and waited for him to the press the issue.

"You forgot Finn's birthday. He told me you would be back for it." Tommy said softly as if he were trying to prepare her for a disappointed eleven-year-old.

The sudden turn in conversation threw her, she fully expected him to ask what she had been up to. Nell narrowed her gaze, "No, I didn't. His birthday's not until Friday."

There was an ominous pause as Tommy stared at her with an expression she couldn't quite decipher. He took a long pull from his glass before saying, "Nell, we don't celebrate 'is actual birthday. He's always been told it's the week before."

The reminder made Nell wince sympathetically as she shook her head. None of the Shelby's could bring themselves to celebrate on Finn's true birthday as it was also the day they had lost their mother, but Finn was a curious child and by no means stupid, "Tommy, he figured out when his birthday really was three years ago." Stricken was the only way that Nell could describe the look on his face as she continued, "He never said anything as not upset you lot. He and I've been celebrating on his actual day ever since…he knew I wouldn't miss this Friday."

"He knows?"

"Yea…" Nell whispered and placed her hand on his arm, knowing that Tommy didn't need the reminder of his mother's passing, "Look, he's fine Tommy. Don't press him about it, eh? You'll jus end up upsetting each other."

"He shouldn't 'ave to protect us like that." Tommy murmured tiredly as he bit at the inside of his cheek.

Nell smiled amusedly at the brooding gangster as she remembered all the things that he would do to keep a smile on his mother's and Aunt Polly's face. The things he would keep a secret as not to upset them and he expected his baby brother to be any different? She squeezed his arm softly, "He's a Shelby. Protectin' his family is what he does."

There was a comfortable silence as the two shared faint smiles. Tommy couldn't argue with her logic, knowing those words to be more than true. It was those thoughts of protection that spurred him to question her, "London, again?"

A darkly amused smirk spread across Nell's lips at the warning she heard in his voice. Here was the interrogation she had expected earlier. It should have rankled, the silent command to stay away from London and the sometimes lover he knew was there. She played with the rim of her glass as she asked back, "And if I was?"

It was a strange game of chicken they were playing as Tommy's blank stare of indifference turned into a glare, "Don't bait me, Nell."

She snickered lightly and finished off her drink and signaled Grace for another, "Well, when you leave yourself open for it."

Tommy merely rolled his eyes, "You gonna tell me?"

"No." Nell said wearily, "I've told you once, I've told you twice. My business, is my business, Tommy."

"Not if that business is going to get you killed. Shelbys protect their own remember?"

He said it so quietly and surely that Nell almost froze. She made the mistake of letting him see the sudden tension that his comment had ignited and the cursed quietly as she hurriedly questioned what she could have possibly left in her home for him to discover. She forced an indifferent expression as she responded, "Walking down the street could get me killed. I'm not a Shelby."

"Nell." There was denying the warning in his voice this time.

She merely turned innocent eyes on him, noticing for the first time the signs she had missed earlier. There was lingering guilt and anguish in his eyes and her brow furrowed in concern, "Tommy, what 'appened?"

The words, this time, seemed to float between them, effectively moving the topic away from her work. Yet, he couldn't deny the worry he saw in her eyes as Tommy scowled at her, both missing the curious stare from Grace, "I hate it when you do that."

"It's only cuz I know you." Nell said sagely as she stifled a yawn.

Tommy held in a sigh of his own as he took in the dark circles under her eyes and her pallor, she hadn't been taking care of herself, "What am I gonna do with you, monisha?"

Nell sucked in a startled breath and ignored the way her heart leapt at that title as she leveled a foreboding stare at him and switched over to Romany, " _For starters, not call me that_."

He seemed unbothered by the venom in her voice as he sipped at his drink, " _Why not? It's true._ "

"Thomas." She growled, her eyes flashing dangerously.

" _We need to talk, Nell_." He said stodgily, more than prepared to pull answers from her, " _But not 'ere_."

"There's something we agree on." Nell murmured feeling another wave of exhaustion overcome her. She took a sip from her glass and shot a pointed look at Tommy, "And not tonight. I'm too tired and would likely give in to my impulses to kill you."

Tommy nodded as he eyed her speculatively, "You always want to kill me. When was the last time you slept?"

"It's been awhile and no, I don't want to talk about it." She replied drolly as she finished her second drink. A pleasant buzz was beginning to form in the back of her head. It surprised her, normally she wasn't a light drinker, but then she also hadn't had anything to eat since that morning. Tommy must have noticed her change in demeanor as he nimbly moved her glass away from her reach, "Really?"

The dry stare she received made Nell roll her eyes a sharp remark on her tongue was never spoken as the Garrison doors burst open and a familiar eleven-year-old came bursting in with an amused Arthur, "Tommy! Tommy!"

"I'm 'ere, Finn. Bring the pub down hollerin' like that." His words were stern, but there was no denying the soft laughter twinkling in his eyes at his baby brother's apparent excitement. Even Nell had softened at the scene, a feat in itself considering he had wound her nice and tight.

Finn practically vibrated in place as he asked, "Is it true?"

"Is what true?" Tommy queried lightly already having a fair idea of what Finn wanted to know.

The younger boy practically looked like he would explode as he gave Tommy a deadpan stare. Nell snickered quietly beside him capturing Finn's attention for the first time. His blue eyes lit up in surprise, but kept his attention firmly on Tommy, "Arthur says we're goin' to the fair tomorrow. Is it true?"

"He said that, did he?" Tommy responded dryly as he shared an amused glance with his older brother. The eldest Shelby hadn't been too keen on attending the fair, but was more than happy to share the news with their baby brother to get a laugh, "And what? You don't think Arthur is telling the truth?"

The younger boy wisely didn't answer that question as he glanced between his two brothers. He knew when he was being teased and didn't have the patience for it, "Tommy!"

"Yes...it's true. We're goin' to the fair tomorrow." Tommy finally surrender a faint smile creeping across his lips as a jubilant grin passed over Finn's.

"I can't wait to tell Isiah." HIs gaze alighted back to Nell as he bounced to her side, "Are you comin' with us, Miss. Nell?"

Nell shook her head, "No, luv. I 'ave mendin' to catch up on. You 'ave fun with your brothers though."

He nodded a little disappointingly, but smiled slyly with a quick side glance to Tommy, he whispered, "I did it."

Nell smothered a smile and pointedly kept her gaze from drifting to either of the elder Shelby's. As much of a sneak Finn was, he still had a great deal to learn about subterfuge it seemed, "Alright Finn."

He brushed against her skirts in a seeming casual fashion and she felt the weight of a key being slipped into her hand. A loud snort from Arthur made it clear that Finn's little pass didn't go unnoticed by either brother and Nell had to cover her mouth to hide her grin, torn between hilarity and embarrassment for how badly Finn was at deceiving his brothers. She was sure the little brat did it on purpose, but she couldn't bring herself to care as she laughed softly, "Oh Finn, I do love you."

She was mildly surprised to see that Tommy didn't look irritated at the pass, only slightly less amused than she did as he murmured, "Stealin' from my pockets, eh? Maybe we shouldn't be goin' to the fair after all."

Finn blanched, his mouth dropping open in disappointed as he protested, "No! Tommy, please!"

"I don't know.."

Nell felt a sympathetic twinge at the sudden heartbreak in Finn's face. Unthinkingly, she pulled the younger boy against her to soothe as she sent an exasperated look at Tommy, "Don't tease 'im, Tommy. He was jus doin' as I told 'im."

"He can use a little teasin' to keep 'im away from my things." Tommy drawled sending her a pointed look as she smiled innocently, "I suppose we can still go."

The relief in Finn was palpable as he slumped into her. Nell couldn't help her soft smile as she rubbed his back before sending a curious looked to Tommy. He was being oddly lenient about having her house key taken from him. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously, "You're takin' this rather well."

"Miss. Nell." Finn hissed, not wanting Tommy to change his mind again.

The man in question raised a brow, a look that could only be described as smug crossing his features as he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a key identical to the one Finn had just handed her, "Had a feelin' that you would try somethin'. So I 'ad a copy made."

Nell cursed under her breath making Finn laugh and Arthur smirk, "Jus like old times watchin' you two tryin' to out maneuver each other."

Nell snorted and slid a few coins onto the bar, "Old habitats are 'ard to break. Arthur, walk me 'ome, would ya?"

"I can walk you." Tommy responded instead as he moved to pay for his drink, fully prepared to ignore Nell as she shook her head.

Arthur even protested, "Nah, little brother. I want to catch up with my favorite nurse, it's been too long."

"I saw you a week ago." Nell laughed disbelievingly as Arthur smiled winningly at her. She didn't want to walk home with Tommy however, knowing that he would want to have the conversation they were continuously putting off. She sent a side glance to Grace who had been eavesdropping on most of their conversation. Nell would be stupid if she didn't notice the interest in the blonde's eyes as she murmured, "Pauley was harrassin' Grace 'ere when I came in. You should stay and walk her 'ome, Tommy. The big giant's been lingerin'."

There was a tense pause as the older brothers did a quick survey of the room and noted that Pauley didn't seem as deep into his cups as usual. Grace spoke up quickly, "That's not necessary Mr. Shelby. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

Arthur snorted and Nell bit the inside of her cheek as Tommy's gaze turned curious at the blonde. If Nell didn't know him so well, she wouldn't have thought much in that small look, but she did. It seemed that Grace's attraction may be returned. Interesting. She nudged Arthur and nodded toward the door. They slipped out of the pub, dragging Finn with them before Tommy could protest further with Arthur watching Nell warily. She raised a brow, "What?"

"It doesn't bother you?" He asked softly with a glance back at the pub, his eyes filled with concern.

Nell snorted quietly as she bit back at a pang of sadness, "Tommy and I 'aven't been together in a long time, Arthur. I 'ave no right to be upset if he fancy's another girl."

Arthur frowned uncomfortably as he linked her arm through his, Finn speeding off ahead of them, "Still...I'm sure its jus a passin' thing."

A quiet laugh left Nell's lips at his awkward attempt of comforting her before she looked up at Arthur fondly, "You're jus a 'opeless romantic, aren't you Arthur?"

"I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about little sister." Arthur said sagely, making Nell laugh a little more before drawling lightly, "So tell me how the fuck you plan on getting your key back from Tommy now?"

Nell's smile turned devious as she and Arthur began to concoct outrageous plans, barely noticing how quickly they covered the ground to her home.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: So a look into Nell and Tommy's better days...And a desperate Polly. Hope you guys have been enjoying the story. I would love to hear your thoughts. Please read and enjoy. Thank you to: my 3 Guests, Judging. All Day Every Day, and xXBriannaXx for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Nineteen**

 **Past**

How was it possible that one person could make her cry so much?

Nell swallowed hard as she felt a sob building in her throat. She couldn't stop the steady flow of silent tears sliding down her cheeks and as much as she cursed Thomas Shelby, she could still feel her heart breaking. It was like being caught in a vice, its invisible metal jaws tightened around her heart until she couldn't breathe or move. She closed the door to her bedroom lightly behind her as she slid to sit on the floor.

Her boys were leaving.

Her idiotic, reckless, pain in the ass, brave boys.

Tommy…Arthur…John-boy…Freddie - even Michael Bennett.

Her mother had said she should be proud that they were serving the King's Army. Proud that they were protecting their country. Nell couldn't find it in herself to be proud. How could she be proud of the voluntary slaughter that would occur? She abhorred it whenever one of the boys had been hurt or had caused pain – couldn't stand the violence of the Peaky Blinder business. The amount of arguments she had gotten into with Tommy when he would come to her with bloodied knuckles and fresh bruises, she couldn't even begin to count. Yet, she was supposed to be fine with the coming war. She was supposed to be proud as her boys marched to almost certain death. She wasn't proud, she was terrified and angry. She wanted to stomp her foot and growl until each one of them put their bags away and never talked about leaving again.

She wiped her eyes hastily, though it did little to stem the river trickling over her skin. She was suddenly glad her mother wasn't home as she pushed herself from the ground to fall into her bed. Glad that her mother wouldn't bear witness to the pathetic mess her daughter was currently. Two days. Her boys would be gone in two days. John had married the day before. A bittersweet occasion as Martha struggled not to cry through the ceremony. Nell was sure the younger girl didn't want the boys to leave either, but she handled it much more elegantly than Nell. The striking brunette that had capture John's heart the year before had forced back her tears and given her sweet smiles as she had whispered words of comfort and love to her groom during and after the wedding. John had readily returned whatever sentiment Martha had bestowed upon him. It had been sweet and it had hurt to watch.

Nell had been sullen and quiet throughout the ceremony. Weak smiles were the most that she could convey. Freddie had later told her she looked like a mother bear ready to pluck the couple away at the first hint of danger. She had chuckled sadly, but the knowing look in Freddie Thorne's eyes told her that he had seen her disquiet. He knew that she was barely holding it together.

 _It had grown late into the night as the desperately euphoric wedding party finally began to dismantle. Slowly but surely, the partygoers began to disperse. Unsurprisingly, John and Martha had left earlier in the evening. Not wanting to miss a minute together before they had to say their final goodbyes. Nell was one of the last to leave. She had allowed herself more drink than usual, the foggy buzz of the alcohol keeping her from saying more than she should as she let herself be twirled around on the dance floor. She didn't really notice the dwindling party until a familiar pair of hands slid over hips to steady her from a loose twirl Freddie had swung her into. She suddenly felt sober again as she laughingly tilted her head back to gaze into a familiar pair of icy eyes. Tommy merely looked exasperated and amused as he nodded toward his best mate._

" _I got 'er, Freddie. I'll take 'er home now, eh." Tommy said as Freddie fell back onto hilly grass where the reception had congregated. Freddie knew better than to get between Tommy and Nell, even if the couple hadn't been a couple in years. As far as anyone with half a brain was concerned Nell was still Tommy's, despite her protest otherwise._

" _I don't wanna go home."_

 _Freddie nearly winced at the too softly spoken words from Nell. He could hear the challenge in her voice and knew it was time to make himself scarce. As much as he had Tommy's back, he knew better than to get in between one of their arguments and an argument was about to commence. He knew the signs. He missed Tommy's glare as he suddenly lurched from his spot and half ran down the dirt path back to Small Heath. Nell didn't seem to notice as she pulled from Tommy's grip and began to wander further into the dark countryside. A tired sigh came behind her as she drifted further away._

" _Nell."_

 _She didn't answer, didn't look back._

" _Nell, it's time to go home."_

 _The weary patience in his tone rankled her nerves, "I already said I don't fuckin' want to go home, but you are more than welcome to leave, Thomas."_

" _Nell." His patience was gone and the warning in his voice made her stomach clench. She hated what his voice could do to her, "We're leaving."_

" _No. You are." She said it so bitterly that Tommy paused as he came to grab her elbow._

 _His hand flinched away to rub tiredly at his face, "Yes, I am."_

 _Nell whipped around, not having expected him to admit it or even understand the subtext of what she had said. Yet, Tommy knew her better than anyone, so she wasn't sure why she was so surprised. He stared at her indifferently, waiting for her next volley, "Don't go."_

" _You know I 'ave to." Tommy started softly as she began to shake her head at his words. He reached for again, only to have her jerk away. A fire was building in her grey eyes that he was all too familiar with, "I don't want to fight with you about this."_

" _Then don't! You 'ave a choice, Tommy. Don't fucking go. I don't want you to go." She fairly shouted making him growl impatiently._

 _He glared at her hard as he fell into her fight, "And what would you 'ave me do, Nell? Hide in the country side as my brothers fight for their lives on foreign soil? Be considered a traitor to my own countrymen?"_

" _If it kept you safe, then yes! If it kept you from getting' killed, yes!" Nell raged, her fingers flexing with the need to either push him or hold onto him. She couldn't make him understand her fear, "Yes to all those things and more! Jus don't do this!"_

 _He shook his head angrily as he quietly scolded her, "You lost the right to demand these things of me a long time ago. Now unless you are comin' back to me, do not make our goodbyes any 'arder than it 'as to be. I will not fight with you about it."_

 _Tears burned at her eyes as she stared at him lost and angry. It wasn't the first time he had seen that look, but it was the first time in a while that he saw the longing she was trying so hard to hide. It was cruel how quickly hope leapt back into his heart, "Helen, are you comin' back to me?"_

 _She didn't miss the almost desperate plea in that question as she shook her head. Tommy took a step toward her as if she were prey about to run, "Do you love me, Helen?"_

 _She closed her eyes and tried not let her tears escape. She would not cry in front of him, "You know I do."_

" _Then put my bloody ring back on your fuckin' finger." He was barely a breath away. His hands slid back to their place on her hips and she realized she was trembling as she shook her head again, "Fuckin' Christ! You're so bloody stubborn – God only knows why I love you, but I fuckin' do. Helen Dahlia, come back to me, luv."_

" _I can't come back to a dead man. Don't ask it of me." Nell whispered defiantly, raggedly as pulled away for a second time and took off down the same dirt path that Freddie abandoned them on. She didn't dare look back as she finally let her tears fall. This would be last time she left him – this would be their goodbye she realized later that night._

It was their goodbye, Nell dimly realized as she stared blankly at the wall. The last time she more than likely would see Tommy before he left for France and it ended in an argument. Why did she always have to let her mouth run away from her? Why couldn't she stay quiet and enjoy the last few moments with her childhood friend?

Nell wasn't sure when, but she fell into a restless slumber as her mind replayed John's wedding over again. She awoke only when she felt something course bite into her wrists. Dimly, she thought the sleeves of her blouse were chaffing against her skin, but as she sleepily went to push the material back, she found herself unable to move. Nell's eyes flew open as she became aware of a heavy weight pressing down on her legs as she jerked her hands toward her chest. A muffle curse sounded and Nell fairly screamed as she made out the silhouette of a man in her darkened room, straddling her thighs. She tried to kick out, but to no avail. His fingers latched back onto her hands and she felt the coarseness again. He had tied her bloody wrists together! She screamed again and struggled against his grip as she tried to break free. His hand suddenly clamped down on her mouth, "Nell, it's me. Calm the fuck down."

It took a minute for Tommy's deep whiskey voice to penetrate her thoughts, but she stilled the moment it did. When he was sure she wouldn't scream again, he peeled his hand away from her mouth. She drew a shuddering breath as she furiously demanded, "Thomas Michael Shelby, what the fuck do you think you're doin'?"

"Kidnappin' you." He said casually as he finished knotting the rope around her wrists.

Nell could only stare gob smacked as he pulled her into sitting position, "Have you lost your fuckin' mind! Untie me, you bastard."

"No, I'm just doin' what I should 'ave done a long time ago." He murmured vaguely as he searched around for something in his coat pocket, "Now, I'm sorry about this next bit…but I know you."

"What the hell are you talkin' -MMmmmrmmrmh!" Nell growled as her speech was cut off by a gag. It didn't stop her from cursing Tommy to hell and back as he slung her over his shoulder. Her muffled protests were useless and even as she tried to wriggle away, his grip was too firm. She was going to kill him. Tommy was never going to make it to France. Fuck the Germans, the minute he undid her binds she was going to kill him.

He hefted her into the passenger seat of some barely put together car. Her steady glare did nothing to halt his actions, leaving her to wondered vaguely where he had gotten the vehicle and if she really wanted an answer. They travelled quickly through Small Heath, reaching the country-side and their pasture in record time. Tommy quickly dumped the car as he prodded her to walk the dirt path. Nell was tempted to stay put, but as if he read her thoughts, Tommy gave her a warning look which told her that he was more than willing to throw over his shoulder again. There was something vaguely humiliating about walking next to someone bound and gagged, even as that person kept their hand as a guiding gesture on their captive's back. Nell decided then and there that his death would be a slow one.

It took them a few minutes to reach the pasture and Nell stopped as they did. A large black horse stood waiting in the center and she could only imagine what Tommy had in mind next. Luckily, he decided to remove her gag as he whistled for the horse to come over. She wet her lips as she watched the creature come towards them, "Tommy, untie me."

"No." He gazed at her languidly, "Would defeat the purpose of kidnappin' you."

She was sure steam was coming out of her ears, "Thomas….so 'elp me."

"It won't be for much longer. I promise."

He was right, it wouldn't be for much longer. Nell growled lowly in her throat and stalked away from him toward the stonewall. She was suddenly thankful that she hadn't taken the time to change out of her clothes when she had crawled into her bed, too emotionally drained to much more than lay down. A glance over her shoulder showed her Tommy watching her expectantly – as if he knew what she was about to do. A sudden feeling of dread welled up in her gut as Nell quickly hefted her booted foot onto the stone wall to reach for the knife she usually kept inside. Her bound hands paused at the rim of her leather shoes. The hilt of the knife was gone, but the presence of a shiny silver ring on her finger had caught her attention.

Her engagement ring…how hadn't she noticed that sooner? Her breath left her as she stared down at her hand, never noticing Tommy approaching with the horse. He watched her curiously as he said, "Didn't think I would forget to disarm you, did you?"

She turned wide grey eyes on him, "Tommy?"

"Told you, I should 'ave done this a long time ago." He said softly as he held out his hand, "Now, are you gonna come willingly or am I gonna 'ave to gag you again? I'm fine with it either way."

Nell swallowed as stared at him, her heart was beating a mile a minute and she was torn between the need to fall into him and the need to lash out. She wet her lips again as she asked, "Not givin' me a choice about this then?"

"None."

"Not even if I kick and scream -"

A small smile spread across Tommy's lips as he shook his head, "I 'ave waited long enough. Your time is up, Helen and I'm 'ere to collect."

"Stubborn bastard." Nell whispered dazedly as she tried to quell the sudden butterflies in her stomach. Tommy's smile turned into a grin at those words and before she knew it his lips were on hers and she was giving into her need to fall into him. Too long…it had been too long. She barely muffled a shriek when he suddenly swept her off her feet to deposit her top of the horse. How he managed to do that without tipping either one of them over was a mystery to her. He swung up beside her as she was sitting sideways, precariously keeping her balance, and gently guided her to lean against him. Her fingers latching into the folds of his shirt as she tucked her head into his shoulder. She prayed for a short ride, fearing that she would slip off in this awkward position. Yet, she knew how determined he was as he carried out the old tradition of a kidnapped bride. She glanced curiously up at him as he started on a path further into the countryside, "The Lee's?"

Tommy snorted, "Like hell. The Roth's."

Nell barely refrained from rolling her eyes as she heard the animosity in his voice, it was then she remembered the Roth's were on their annual pilgrimage south. They would be in Cardiff soon; their camp not far from Birmingham at the moment. The couple didn't speak much more as Tommy navigated narrow twisting paths in the dark. They must have ridden for an hour before the familiar golden lights of camp fires caught their attention. The camp was quiet as they entered, the majority of the Roth's having bunked down long before – but she made out the familiar form of a beaming Madam Tillia standing next to a few men that Nell only vaguely recognized. It took her a moment to recollect that Tillia was daughter to the Rom Baro of the Roth Clan. Of all the people Tommy would have gone to…she never thought it would be Tillia, but even as she thought it she became aware of a lurking Johnny Dogs. She grinned faintly, that made more sense.

Johnny approached the couple quickly, offering his assistance as he gently helped to lower Nell. The roguish man grinned happily at her as he whispered, "I don't see any bleedin' or new bruises…let 'im off easy, did ya?"

Nell snorted and held up her bound wrists, "Figures you'd be in on this, unfortunately, Tommy's rather thorough…but, the night's not over yet."

Johnny cackled gleefully as Tommy rolled his eyes and moved passed the reunited friends to talk with Tillia and the men waiting. The duo watched him for a curious minute before Johnny turned serious eyes on her, "Nell, if you don't want this, jus say the word and I'll get you out."

A wave of affection flowed through her at his words and she nudged him gently with her elbow, "Look at you bein' protective. No…This 'as been a long time comin' for us. It's time I stop fighting."

"Well, if you need me to knock some sense into 'is 'ead, I'll gladly get someone bigger to do it." Johnny murmured lightly, making Nell laugh as Tommy rejoined them. His icy blue eyes danced merrily and Nell couldn't help but smile at the sight.

Her Tommy. She hadn't seen him this excited in a long time. Nell watched as he schooled his features into something more serious as he asked quietly, "Should I be worried about an escape attempt?"

It was then she knew that he had made Johnny come for her support. If she truly wanted nothing to do with him, then she had an out. Something broke inside of her as she realized he would never force her to do anything she didn't want. He would protect her, even from himself if necessary. Nell tilted her head as she stared at him lovingly, "Me voliv tu, Thomas."

Tommy's eyes darkened, struck by those simple words that held so much meaning. She was his, there would be no more disputing that soon enough. He smirked knowingly, "Me voliv tu, Helen."

Nell barely paid attention to anything else as Tommy guided her before Madam Tillia and another gentleman by a fire. A faint grin spread across Tillia's face as the couple continued to stare at each other. She muttered something about young love under her breath as she recalled the many dance lessons she had given to the pair before her. Such chemistry…it was only right that they end up together. With a muffled coughed, Nell's and Tommy's attention was recaptured as he slipped his hands into hers. The man next to Tillia smiled as he began the opening words to a wedding ceremony. Nell would barely recall later even saying her vows as she stared into Tommy's blue eyes. The Romany words slipped gracefully from her lips and her toes curled as Tommy recited his own.

A final vow was uttered and suddenly she had looped her arms over Tommy's neck and was kissing him, much to the amusement of their gypsy priest and Johnny Dogs. Neither Tommy or Nell could care.

They were married.

Nell broke away first, her eyes narrowed, "Now untie me, you bastard."

Tommy grinned darkly, "Not yet, monisha."

She shrieked as he flung her over his shoulder again.

* * *

 **Present**

Nell groaned dimly as she rested her back against the wall of her sitting room. Her house was in shambles. The legs on a few of her chairs had been broken. Drawers from cabinets laid strewn about the ground. Paper, silverware, pictures…it was all right there waiting to be cleaned. She cursed Tommy…cursed him for taking the guns, cursed him for keeping them. The police raid the morning before had been unexpected and she was glad that she had the forethought to move any illegal items from the house weeks prior.

It was her only saving grace it seemed as she felt her lip smart and her ribs cry out. The coppers were no better than monsters. She hadn't missed the fact that Campbell had held this little raid when the Peaky Blinders were conveniently missing. It was a smart move…a cold move. And she had to wonder how many people knew about the boy's trip to the fair and who could have possibly tipped off the Inspector. It didn't matter now as she gazed at her destroyed furnishings.

She needed to clean. Yet, she felt like one giant bruise and moving anything was not something she wanted to do. Nell was half tempted to ease herself back upstairs and pass out for the day when a heavy knocking fell at her door. It wasn't the pounding of one of the Shelby siblings or the even the demanding knock of the police. She tilted her head curiously, but not at all motivated to answer as the knocking continued.

"Nell! I know you're 'ome. Open the door."

Definitely not motivated to answer, Nell thought sullenly as Polly's voice echoed through her front hall. She had no desire to deal with the Shelby matron, but knew the older woman wouldn't go away anytime soon. Gingerly, she eased herself into a standing position as she took her time getting to the door. She swung it open to a startled Polly. The older woman's eyes widened as she took in Nell's new split lip and the bruising on the side of her neck, "My God."

Nell snorted and stepped aside, "God 'ad nothin' to do with it."

"Animals!" Polly hissed as she pushed into the house. Her hands reaching out to study the bruising, her touch a strange combination of firm, angry and gentle. Her hazel eyes blazed, "What else? Did they -"

"No." Nell said firmly as she took pity on the fear she saw in Polly's eyes, "No. Jus a few bruised ribs. Turns out I don't like havin' my 'ome invaded too well"

Polly shook her head, "Thank God for small favors. They didn't hit the Garrison. I figured they would leave you alone too. Guess, I was wrong. Tommy's gonna throw a fit when he sees you."

"Hmm." Nell hummed noncommittally, not wanting to think about how Tommy was going to react. She nearly smiled amusedly as Polly finally took in the shambles around her. A litany of curses escaped the older woman, sentiments that Nell had been expressing herself. She pursed her lips, "Somehow I don't think you're 'ere about my 'ome."

The was a long pause as Polly sucked in a breath. She took in Nell's distant expression as prepared for battle, "I know we're not on the best of terms…but I need your 'elp."

Nell raised a brow, wondering what could possibly make the formidable Polly Grey stoop to ask for help. She wasn't being fair, but Nell hardly cared as she waited expectantly, "With?"

Polly sighed, "Ada's pregnant."

Nell damn near tripped as she took in Polly's words. Her eyes widen worriedly as realized that Ada hadn't told Polly about her affair with Freddie Thorne. Oh fuck…Freddie Thorne was the father, "Does Tommy know?"

"Not yet. Ada wants to keep the baby, but the father 'as skipped town." Nell had never seen Polly look so weary as she rubbed at her eyes, "She's convinced the blighter will come back."

Oh fuck. Nell felt a headache coming on. She hadn't realized that Freddie had made himself scarce. It was a smart move with all the turmoil that Campbell's presence was causing, but an unforgivable infraction once Tommy learned of his ex-best mate's part in Ada's pregnancy. She really didn't need to be pulled into Shelby family drama, "And what exactly do you need me to do?"

"I need you to speak with Ada. She won't listen to me."

Nell froze as she turned to Polly in disbelief. What she was asking finally penetrating, "You want me to convince Ada to give up her baby?…Polly, have we fuckin' met?"

"She listens to you, Nell." Polly said sternly as she strode towards her, "You know how 'ard it is to be an unwed mother. You know about the whispers and judgment. Ada doesn't need to go through that…not for a mistake."

"Oh God, apparently we 'aven't met. I don't remember you bein' this doom and gloom when I was pregnant." Nell muttered surly as she tried to contain her temper. Some part of her understood that Polly was being practical, that people would look down on Ada for having the baby. Not a lick of judgement would be passed onto Freddie and it wasn't fucking fair, but she would not be the one to tell Ada she couldn't have her baby.

"That's because you were 'aving Tommy's baby. The two of you practically live in each other's fuckin' pockets." Polly stated firmly as if Tommy and Nell were a foregone conclusion, "There was no way he wouldn't 'ave come back to you."

"I need a drink." Nell shook her head exasperatedly, not sure if she was more annoyed by that statement or what was being asked of her, "We're not 'aving this conversation. If Ada wants to talk with me, she'll talk with me. I'd be more worried about Tommy goin' on a rampage."

Polly snorted as she smoothed a hand tiredly over her temples, "He's already gone on a rampage. We're at war with the bloody Lee family now."

"He's gone one fuckin' day." Nell grumbled under her breath as snagged her coat from the ground. Her ribs protested the movement, but she hid the pain well as she eased back up. She was going to kill the Shelby family. She nodded toward the door, "Come on. Let's get a drink before any more Shelby's show up at my bloody door."

Polly nodded gratefully, both women knowing their conversation was far from over, but their differences could be put aside for now. Nell began to mentally prepare for the arrival of either Ada or Tommy as the day wore on. What a fucking mess.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: So this is posted a little later than intended. I loved the reviews you guys sent in, especially LadyRedStars - I feel the same way about Nell sometimes too. You guys have given me a lot to think about. And to my Guest - I might choose Keri Russel to play Nell. Hopefully I can get another update out soon...my life's a little hectic right now. PLease read and enjoy. I always enjoy hearing your responses ( or well reading them). Special thanks to" Judging. All Day Every Day, LadyRedStar and my 3 Guests for reviewing.

Disclaimer: I own Nell, though I don't think she appreciate that sentiment.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty**

 **Present**

It had grown late by the time Nell had arrived home. Her drink with Polly had been unusually quiet and quick, the older woman too preoccupied with worries over Ada to press Nell too hard. Nell wasn't going to complain about it. She didn't particularly want to be partied to Polly's plan to have Ada abort – it wasn't a choice either of them should make for the girl. The decision would be Ada's and Ada's alone…though that didn't stop Nell for mentally preparing herself for a visit from an upset Ada or a furious Tommy. The only surprise so far was that neither had shown on her doorstep or in Tommy's case, in her actual house. She could only imagine the hell that was about to erupt.

Shaking her head tiredly, Nell let the calming scent of lavender relax her as she sank deeper into her bathtub. She needed the warm water to sooth her aching ribs. She had only done a little straightening of the house, but found that moving anything heavier than pillow placed too much strain on her side. A soak in the bath had become more of a necessity than a desire, but she would never deny the simple pleasure of being ensconced in sweet smelling warm water. Even Specter seemed to agree as the orange tabby rubbed up against the side of the tub. Her old boy hadn't liked the police raid any more than Nell. She smiled softly at her furry child before letting her eyes drift shut. She needed this moment of peace before the noise came back.

Just a few minutes.

A few minutes turned into twenty as she dosed in and out of slumber. Never fully awake or asleep, she only thought of stirring as the water began to lose its warmth. A slight creaking and the brush of wood against wood met her ears as she debated. It was her only warning before, "Nell!" was shouted furiously through her house.

Nell sighed wearily as she reached a hand out of the tub to grab her towel. Only pausing to listen as Tommy's shout seemed to quiet sharply – there wasn't even a sound of movement and she knew he was taking in the shambles of her home. She started counting to see how long it would take him to move.

Not long.

She reached six before he called her name again, only this time there was a hint of worry behind his earlier anger. She could hear him moving up the stairs as she gingerly stepped from the tub and wrapped the soft terry cloth around her body. He always did have the worst timing, she thought sourly – longing to disappear back into the water.

"Nell!"

She rolled her eyes, "I'm 'ere. Stop shouting, would ya?"

Tommy appeared in the doorway to the bathroom a moment later, looming like an ominous shadow, "Wouldn't 'ave to shout if you would answer."

"Well, I don't usually accommodate people who barge into my home…though it does seem to be 'appening quite a bit lately." Nell drawled dryly as she tucked in edge of the towel. She looked up at him for the first time. She was unsurprised when his gaze locked on her split lip, whatever anger he was feeling only intensifying. She was glad that her hair hid the bruising on her neck, though she had no illusions that it would stay that way, "Now, what brought you shouting?"

Tommy didn't reply for a moment. His dark gaze took in every inch of her face and body as he looked for more injuries before he stalked forward. Nell waited patiently as he tilted her chin up to inspect her swollen lip. It wasn't that bad as far as split lips go, she was just a bit tender, "Who?"

Nell snorted, "Who do you fuckin' think? The coppers, Tommy."

"You know their names – which one touched you?" He murmured quietly, darkly.

She sighed and pushed away from the tub ledge to meander into her bedroom. She could practically feel Tommy's ire vibrating through the air as she tried to get away from the draft. She waved a hand dismissively, "Don't know this one's name. He's new…but if you're hell bent on pissing more people off, he's the one with cat scratches down 'is face." She glanced over her shoulder with an unamused smile, "Specter didn't take too kindly to 'im."

As if the yellow tabby was waiting for an introduction, he suddenly appeared from under her bed to rub against her damp legs. Tommy raised a sardonic brow, "Smart cat."

She didn't miss the way he watched her every move. She wanted to dress, but didn't want to show Tommy anymore bruises. She sighed stiffly as she settled on the end of her bed, ignoring the twinges that came with every bend she made. Specter hopped up next to her to curl into a ball…her lazy little protector. It was her turn to take in Tommy as she stared across the room. He was leaning in the doorway once again. His cap pulled low making his blue eyes glitter portentously, but it wasn't his face that caught her attention it was his hands. His rough, worn hands that sported some new bruising and cuts. Her lips pressed together unhappily, "You've been fightin'."

Tommy barely spared a glance at his fingers as he shrugged, "Yes."

She shook her head as she recalled Polly's earlier words, "So what excuse did you find this time? Did the Lee's look at you wrong?"

"They insulted mum." He said unapologetically, unsurprised that she already knew who he had gotten into it with.

Nell muttered a low curse under her breath and shook her head tiredly, "You 'ad Finn with you."

"He stayed in the car -"

"Oh fuckin' right, like that stops 'im from watching his brothers beat people to death." She fairly snarled, not wanting to think of how much Finn idolized his big brother – not wanting to think about how he would be a part of the Peaky world all too soon. She wanted him to stay a child forever, "Did you really need to start a bloody war, right now? I'd think you'd 'ave other things to worry about such as a fuckin' nosy Inspector."

"Or a pregnant sister." Tommy shot back, his mouth turning into a churlish frown as Nell stilled slightly, "You knew."

"Found out this mornin'."

"No, you knew she was sneakin' off with Freddie fuckin' Thorne." Tommy growled spitefully. He cursed when her silence was omission enough and a ran an angry hand over his face, "You should 'ave fucking told me, Nell."

"It was not my place to be tellin' Ada's secrets." Nell murmured as she watched him pace. She tilted her head sympathetically, to Ada or Tommy she wasn't sure, "She was happy, Tommy. He made her happy."

"Like that fuckin matters now!" He all but roared, "The fuckin' pissant 'as left her, asn't he?"

"He doesn't know. If Freddie knows she's pregnant, he'll come back. You know he will." She said patiently, knowing that Tommy would rather rip off his own arm than admit his ex-best friend was still a decent man. She wished she knew what had happened to tear their friendship apart.

"Don't make excuses for 'im." Tommy muttered darkly as he turned on her, "What the fuck is that?"

"Wha -" Nell started bemused at the sudden question and his intense gaze. He finally left his post by the bathroom to stalk toward her again. She watched baffled for a moment as he knelt before her to push back her hair…her hair that was slowly drying and no longer clinging to the sides of her neck. She muffled a curse as Tommy found the bruising she had tried to keep hidden.

"Where else?"

"Tommy…"

His eyes flashed dangerously, "You 'aven't moved to get dressed yet. I can only assume that you're hiding more wounds as I know you 'ave no problem being naked in front of me."

Nell's lips pressed into a firm line again as she couldn't help but uttered challengingly, "You 'aven't seen me naked in years, Thomas."

She regretted it the moment she said it as she watched the gears in his head turn. Tommy moved to protest that claim, but found he couldn't. They had sex, but Nell had always left her shift on. His fingers twitched to unravel her towel, "Where else are you hurt?"

"I'm fine."

"Nell."

"Tommy."

They stared at each other for a long moment before Tommy huffed impatiently, "Fuck it."

His hand darted out to tug open her towel faster than Nell could blink. She batted his hand away unsuccessfully, "Tommy!"

She lost the battle quickly as he finally grasped the edge and pulled the towel to the side. Tommy's sharp intake of breath had her flinching as she unconsciously raised her arm to cover her breasts and move from his purview. She didn't even make it an inch before she was sat back down by a firm hand. Nell refused to look at Tommy as she felt her cheeks burn with humiliation, she didn't need to see the horror in his eyes. She saw it in her own far too often. She flinched again as she felt his fingers brush over the rough scars that decorated her side like a macabre eternity knot. The bruising on her ribs largely ignored.

"Nell." Tommy breathed, his voice shakier than he would like as he took in her battered flesh, "How?"

Nell still wouldn't look at him as she shook her head, "It was a long time ago – I don't want to talk about it."

"This wasn't from -" Tommy swallowed hard unable to speak the rest of his question as he tumbled down the rabbit hole of mixed emotions.

"From the baby?" Nell guessed softly and ran a finger over a thin white line between her hips, "That would be this particular scar."

She finally peaked at him from under her eyelashes, only to find her normally stoic Tommy paler than the moon and more disturbed than she had ever seen him. She pushed again to get up, feeling the heavy need to dress and conceal her scars. Tommy let her move this time as he tried to blink away what he just saw. How many times would he fail her, he wondered as she pulled on a shift and a robe. He had gone off to war believing she would be safe…he shouldn't have left her.

"I can get word to Freddie. It won't take much to find him." Nell murmured as she wrapped her arms around herself.

Tommy stared at her, not really hearing what she said as words tumbled from his lips, "What the fuck happened to you, Nell?"

It was her turn to breathe in sharply as she forced herself to meet his gaze, "Quite a bit, actually. As I said I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't want to talk about anything." Tommy murmured back, "Is this why you didn't seek me out when I came back? I don't care about scars, Nell. Lord knows I 'ave my fair share. I do care how you got yours though."

"Could ask you the same question, Tommy. You didn't seek me out either." Nell said softly, defiantly. Her voice turned ragged as finally admitted, "But if you must know I didn't seek you out, because I can't – I can't 'ave children anymore. The damage left me incapable."

Tommy's eyes closed as she whisperingly uttered, "What kind of wife can't give her husband children?"

Suddenly he couldn't breathe as he stared at her resigned face. He wanted to shake her, yell at her for keeping this from him. He wanted to demand answers and scold her for thinking that a detail like that would matter. But it did matter when his mind suddenly conjured the image of a curly haired daughter. He had missed having one child with her – now he was being told he couldn't have anymore? Something inside him screamed with rage and before he realized it, Tommy was outside the house lost in the cold night air. Never seeing the silent tears that ran down Nell's cheeks

* * *

 **Past**

"Nine."

"I'm not 'aving nine kids. You're out of your mind."

"You might be pregnant now." Tommy murmured amusedly as he played with the ends of her hair. The ropes that had bound her wrists had been tossed to the side of the caravan with the rest of their clothes. He had started a fire when the night's chill began to seep in more soundly. He supposed they would be better off under the wool blankets they were resting on, but the incentive to move wasn't great when he had a naked and willing Nell wrapped around him.

"Don't joke." Nell whispered tiredly as she tilted her chin up on his chest, "I 'ave no desire to be fat and pregnant with you off risking your life. I want you 'ere…so I could harass you myself."

"You'll harass me even when I'm halfway across the country, I'm sure of it." Tommy replied back dryly, chuckling when she pinched his side, "No. Nine kids, we'll make our own rugby team, eh."

Nell huffed a laugh as she gazed up at him in disbelief, "You don't even like rugby and what if we 'ave all girls."

"I like rugby jus fine and 'ave you met my family – boys outnumber the girls." Tommy argued halfheartedly as his fingers trailed from the ends of her hair to the curve of her back.

"If you like rugby then you'd know there's fifteen players to a team and jus because your mum gave birth to four boys, doesn't mean that we will." Nell said sagely, she didn't miss the sudden teasing glint in Tommy's eyes as she suddenly placed a hand on his chest to state, "And we're not 'aving fifteen children, either. You'd be sleepin' outside long before I'd let that 'appen."

"I'd like to see you bloody try." He said amused. He smiled in a way which told Nell that he found the whole scenario entertaining. She rolled her eyes and tucked her face into the crook of his neck as she hid a smile of her own.

She wanted to stay like that forever. It was easy to forget that he would be leaving in just a few hours – far from her reach. She needed the feel of his strong arms and whiskey voice permanently etched into her brain if she was going to get through his departure. Nell's smile slipped away as she let herself be lulled by the steady rise and fall of his chest. Tommy seemed to sense her sudden change in mood as his tracing fingers stilled, "Does it bother you?"

"What?"

Tommy swallowed lightly as he chose his words carefully, "Us getting' married like this…we 'ad a big weddin' planned before I fucked it up."

"You didn't fuck it up." Nell said tiredly as she pushed herself up to look down on him. Unconsciously, her fingers tangled with his, it was her turn to choose her words, "That wedding…it was the wedding mum and Aunt Polly wanted. I was losin' my bloody mind or do you not remember findin' me half in the bottle?"

Tommy snorted as he remembered that particular incident. It had been endearing at the time, but looking back he should have realized how miserable she was becoming. Nell wasn't one to drink much outside of special occasions, "You kept mutterin' something about ties and murder. I thought you were goin' to kill the tailor."

Nell chuckled as she remembered never wanting to see another shade of blue again her life, "This…kidnappin' me? A traditional gypsy wedding as it were…You 'ave to admit it fits us much better."

He smiled at her mirthful gaze, "You mean me losin' patience with you and takin' matters into my own 'ands? Yes, that does sound like us."

"Please, you've never forced me into anythin'." Nell murmured quietly as she gazed at him fondly, "You're too nice to me sometimes."

"Ha!" Tommy laughed as he moved to push her to lay back and drift over her, "You remember that the next time you feel the need to throw something at me."

She giggled and threaded her fingers through his short cropped hair as he dipped down for a kiss. It had been too long since he had heard that laugh and even longer since had been able to touch her like this. They exchanged a few more kisses, enjoying lazy strokes and soft brushes. It was relaxing and easy – Tommy couldn't remember the last time anything had felt this easy. He was glad for it, glad that Nell hadn't outright killed him for hauling her off, glad she didn't run despite the opportunities he had left for her. He really should have done this long ago – all the time they had wasted. He leaned back on his elbow as his hand absently caressed her hip, "You're absolutely beautiful like this."

Nell blushed slightly at the sudden compliment a wicked smile spreading across her lips, "You know you don't 'ave to charm me anymore."

"Yes, I do. We don't 'ave time to file with the registry to make this official. So, I'll 'ave to lay on as much charm as I possibly can to keep you smitten until I get back and we get this sorted right." He murmured lightly.

"Smitten?" Nell snorted as she held in a laugh, "I don't think I've ever been smitten. Intrigued. Enamored. Bewildered. Yes."

"Bewildered?"

"Yes, you are a bewilderin' man, Thomas Shelby." She uttered sagely.

Tommy smirked, "I prefer mysterious."

Nell smiled softly as she suddenly felt the well of tears building in her eyes, "I don't want you to go."

"I know." He sighed and leaned his head against hers, "I know, Nell."

"Promise me, you'll do everything you can to come back."

Tommy tightened his grip on her, "Always, luv. 'Sides we 'ave a football team to build, I 'ave to come back for that."

Nell gave a watery grin, "Rugby team."

"Same thing." Tommy murmured lightly as she nestled further into him. He didn't want to go either.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: I know it's been forever. I have not abandoned this story I promise. I just have moved and work has been crazy and well...life basically. However, I got this chapter written and I hope to be updating a few of my other stories soon. So please read review and enjoy. I love hearing from you guys, you always give me a great deal to think about when it comes to my characters. Hopefully, this doesn't fill like to much of a filler chapter.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-One**

 **Present**

"Miss. Nell?"

Nell blinked dazedly at the sound of her name. She had been sitting in her kitchen for most of the morning, trying to push the memory of Tommy's blank stare from her mind. She wished she hadn't said anything. She wished she had better self-control when it came to the words, the truths, she spewed around him. She didn't need to make him hurt. She hurt enough for the both of them.

"Miss. Nell? Are you alright?"

A small hand latched onto her arm, effectively shaking her into awareness. The morning light had crested over the sky long ago and her kitchen was bathed in warm sunlight. She wasn't even sure how long she had been sitting at her kitchen table, but her cup of tea had long since grown cold. She hadn't even heard the normally loud barrage of Finn entering the house. She blinked again as she focused on concerned blue eyes. Finn's mouth had puckered into an uncertain frown as he studied Nell with the intensity of an adult...or a Shelby, her mind supplied dryly.

She didn't bother to smile as she reached up to squeeze his hand, "I'm alright, Finn. Jus 'ad a long night is all."

The young boy's frown didn't waver, but he nodded his head as if he understood. Maybe he did understand, Nell could only imagine what Finn had born witness to after his brothers had come back from the war. The older Shelbys were not without their scars after all.

"But your face?" Finn whispered uncertain.

It was then Nell remembered her split lip and the bruising on her neck. She had been so lost in her thoughts that not even the dull thrum that ached up her side and down her face even registered with her, "It's fine. Specter and I made our displeasure with the coppers known yesterday. Nuthin' comes without consequences."

Finn bit his lip as he shuffled for a moment before he slipped around to light the stove under the kettle. Nell watched him in muted amusement as she realized he was trying to do the same things he had seen Nell and Polly do when he was upset. Make a cup of tea, maybe hand him a treat and just wait until he was ready to talk. Except, she was sure that the little gestures would do much to soothe her heart at the moment. She furrowed her brow inquisitively as she asked, "Finn, what're you doin' 'ere?"

The younger boy fidgeted a moment before thrusting a hand into his pocket to search for something. It took a moment of him rooting around before he triumphantly pulled a slip of paper from the depths of his coat. Nell tried not to shake her head as she purposely chose not to think about why finding a piece of paper would take him that long. Finn held out the scrap to her as he said, "Tommy said to give this to you. Said you'd know what to do with it."

"Did he?" Nell murmured lightly as she tried to ignore the pang that started at Tommy's name. It wasn't like Tommy to send Finn to do an errand he could do himself – at least an errand that he knew would be in connection to her. She swallowed tightly as the pang of hurt thrummed a little harder. Silently, she accepted the rejection as she felt the relationship between her and Tommy splinter a little more at his avoidance. She knew this would happen. Gingerly, she took the scrap from Finn's hands as she briefly glanced over Tommy's familiar scrawl, "Do me a favor, luv? Go and grab my stationary and inks from the desk in the front room, eh?"

She barely noticed Finn's scampering feet as he did as she bid. The boy was more than happy to be useful in some way in the face of Nell's somber state. The kettle on the stove began to softly whistle and Nell sighed as she refreshed her cup of tea and debated whether to make one for Finn. She would need to send the child off in a moment, school had long since started. She eyed the note on the table for a moment as she mulled over its countenance.

 _Find him. Ada leaves on the morning train tomorrow._

It seemed that Thomas hadn't lost his heart completely then. A bitter smile passed over her lips for a moment as she thought of Ada getting her fairy tale ending. Nell had no doubt that Freddie would show. He would marry Ada and make her an honest woman, she would have their child and they would be a family...As much as that thought cheered her, Nell couldn't help the sparks of acrid jealousy and longing as the woman she considered her younger sister would have the life that Nell had only tasted briefly.

"These right, Miss. Nell?" Finn asked as he slid back into the kitchen with a few sheets of parchment lightly clenched between his fingers as he carefully balanced her inkwell and pen in his other hand.

"Those'll do jus nicely, Finn." Nell murmured as she sipped her tea and moved back to the table. Quicker than Finn anticipated, Nell had the papers spread on the table and her pen swirling fresh ink across the parchment. She seemed to fall into her own world as she wrote. Her brow crease in concentration as she thought of the necessary phrasing. The first page took longer than the second, but Nell didn't need to think as hard to convince Freddie her letter was real. It was the letter that would go to his point of contact that Nell had to concentrate on. In all it still only took her a few minutes to compose both letters and fold them accordingly.

Finn watched curiously when she didn't seal the papers, but held the letters out to him, "Take these to Mrs. Winslow, she lives by the cut. She'll give you something in return for the delivery. And then you go to class, understood?"

"But, Miss. Nell!" Finn whined as he took the letters. He had no desire to sit in class today, but if Nell caught him ignoring her – Well, he cringed internally knowing it wouldn't be pleasant, "Can't I jus 'elp you today?"

"No." Nell said firmly, unimpressed by Finn's attempt at puppy eyes as she finished off her tea, "I 'ave too much that needs to be done and you 'ave missed too much class lately. Don't think that I don't speak with Miss. Wesley about you. Now off with you."

The aggrieved sigh and lagging steps were Nell's only response as Finn dragged himself outside. She snorted softly as she watched his dramatics. It was an act she had seen Arthur do a time or two when they were younger and she wondered briefly if that was where Finn had learned it from before turning to get ready to head out. She had spent too much time lingering over her and Tommy's encounter the night before – she needed out, she needed peace and more importantly she needed to prepare.

* * *

 **Past**

 _"I'll be back before you know it."_

No. Nell blinked back tears as she mind replayed Tommy's departure. He had dressed slowly the morning the needed to leave the Roth camp. Both reluctant to return to the real world – to the reminder that Tommy would be gone in a few short hours. They had stopped once on the trip back when Tommy had realized they would get back just in time to meet the train taking the boys away. He had pulled a bag from a saddle bag and Nell watched bemusedly as he changed into his uniform.

She had swallowed tightly at the sight of him in military dress. It had become all too real in that moment. He was leaving. As if he could sense her panic, Tommy latched onto her hand and whispered those words. She didn't believe him then, but she wished they were true now. She could use his brand of comfort as she watched her mother deteriorate in front of her.

"A baby?" Sadie choked out as she stared at her daughter in muted horror, "You're pregnant! Who?"

She couldn't breathe. Nell tried hard to speak as she felt her throat constrict with undo shame and guilt at the disbelief in her mother's gaze. She told Sadie everything –everything, but she hadn't told her about Tommy. She hadn't told her about their runaway marriage to the Roth Clan. Hadn't told her, because Nell had selfishly wanted to hold onto those memories. They were hers and Tommy's and no one else could interfere in their goodness. But...but she also hadn't told her mother because she knew Sadie would hate it. There were some traditions that her mother abhorred and marriage by abduction, no matter that Nell had become a willing participant, was one of those traditions. It was not the wedding she had wanted for her daughter.

"Tommy." Nell finally whispered.

"Tommy?" Her mother hissed before shaking her head, "I'm not even sure why I'm surprised. You two..."

A slush of cursing fell from her mother's lips as she paced back and forth in the kitchen. Nell barely started, though vague tinges of guilt began to curl in her stomach as she listened to Sadie. The anger... Nell had expected, but it was the disappointment that lingered in Sadie's grey eyes that made Nell want to cry. It was like a well had been dug under Sadie when Nell first stated that she was with child. Her face had slackened and turned pale before she had stuttered for an explanation. And Nell knew that most of her mother's panic came from the fact that she thought Tommy and Nell were unwed. That she would be bringing this baby into the world on her own.

And if she could just get the words out – could just tell her mother that she and Tommy had gotten married. A gypsy marriage, but a marriage all the same even – even if it wasn't recognized by the government.

 _We don't_ _'ave_ _time to file with the registry to make this official._

She pushed away the memory of Tommy's words as she tried to find the strength to tell her mother. She was married. Even if it wasn't official. Her child wouldn't be a bastard. She wasn't alone.

"You'll 'ave to get rid of it."

"What?" Nell whispered in horror as she stared at the sudden resolve in her mother's face. There was a grim set to her eyes that Nell had only seen once and that had been when her father had passed. It was as if her mother had come to some horrible decision about how things would be and that was it...there would be no changing her mind about it.

Sadie drew a tired hand over her mouth as she nodded, "You'll 'ave to get rid of it."

"Mum, no -"

"He's not comin' back, Nell." Sadie stated harshly, her grey eyes glittering sadly as she pushed her point, "This isn't like he took off to the neighborin' city. He's gone to war and who knows how long he'll be gone if he doesn't die out in those fields."

"You don't know -"

"I don't know what people will say when you start showin'?" Sadie snapped, cutting off her daughter once again. There was no sadness to be found this time, just anger, "They'll wondered who the father is and I doubt anyone around 'ere will be surprised to find it's Tommy's – but everyone knows you two have been dancing around each other since that disaster of a weddin' ceremony. They'll know you aren't married – that you've become 'is trollop. The slurs that will come not jus against you, but the child? No, you're gonna get rid of it."

Nell felt herself redden at those words. While she was sure her mother was trying to avoid the word whore, it would have been kinder – less humiliating.

 _Tell her!_

A little voice screamed in the back of her mind as she tried again to tell her mother that they had married.

 _Not official._

Yet, she couldn't get passed that niggling thought. The marriage was real to her and to Tommy and to the small few who had born witness to their ceremony, but no one else knew. She hadn't told her mother the when she and Tommy had returned to Small Heath. He hadn't told his Aunt Polly or Ada because they would have been on her in a moment to demand details. No one knew...and if she suddenly announced that she was married and pregnant – not a damn person would believe because the one person she needed to back her up on this fact wasn't here. Tommy wasn't here.

He didn't know either.

A morbid tinge of amusement slithered through the tumult of emotions that were cascading in her. Her mother didn't know she was married, but knew she was pregnant. Tommy, her husband, didn't know about the baby, but could certainly verify her claim to the marriage.

 _Nell, don't. Don't you ever get rid of our child._

"No." Nell whispered

Sadie sighed tiredly as she gazed longingly at her daughter, "Nell."

"No." Nell stated firmly, this time Sadie was seeing the determined glint that was so similar to her own, "I'm not killing my baby. And if Tommy – if he doesn't come back, then this child is all I 'ave left of 'im. So no."

The two Donovan women spent a long moment staring at each other before Nell broke and moved away. She needed to get out of the house. She needed to plan, because it was going to take a bloody miracle to change her mother's mind. Because her mother had a point. People would talk and they wouldn't be nice and she had no desire to subject a child to that kind of cruelty, but she had promised. She had promised Tommy she would never get rid of their child.

She promised.

And suddenly Tommy's joking comment about nine kids and her being pregnant already didn't seem so cute and funny.

Nell just about bolted through the front door and onto the street. It was if she was trying to outrun her thoughts more than her mother. But she needed to quell her rising panic as she felt herself being torn in a million different directions.

She just needed...she needed Tommy.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: It's been a few weeks, but I'm working on reconstructing one of my other stories, Bear and Birdie. If you guys have the chance check it out. In the mean time, here's more Nell and Tommy and the complicated dance the two are doing. I'm glad you all are enjoying the story. Special thanks to Judging. All Day Every Day, BlueEyedBeauty, purpleXorchid, and AD98 for reviewing. I love hearing from you guys. Please read and review.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Two**

 **Present**

 **Birmingham Cemetery**

It didn't seem like much. A small stone marker with just a name and a date. There were no last words – no lingering sentiments. It was almost blunt in its simpleness. The little marker had drawn his attention almost immediately when he had neared the Donovan Family plots. Tommy wondered if Nell had done that on purpose as he stared down at the grey rock that had his daughter's name chiseled carefully in finely printed letters.

Charlotte Louisa Shelby.

He swallowed tightly as he bent down to trace his fingers over the rough grooves. It was a strong name, a good name. Nell had chosen well. His fingers curled against the stone as a lingering pain bit at his heart and twisted his stomach. He tried to picture Nell swollen with his child, the glow of maternity lighting her skin. He couldn't see it. Only the image of a pale face drawn tight with stress and fear and pain dwelled behind his eyelids. Nell had given birth to a child, a girl. Nell had been a mother. Charlotte was her's... He wasn't sure he could lay claim to a babe he had never known of – had never seen breathe or cry. He wasn't sure he could claim to being a father...he wasn't a father.

How could he be?

He had abandoned his wife and his child, hadn't he?

Tommy sighed tiredly as he fell into the ache of having missed something extraordinary. It was as if he were missing a limb, but could still feel it there as he stared down at the small little stone. What he wouldn't give to meet the little girl with this name.

"I was wonderin' when you'd come 'ere."

Tommy barely flinched at his Aunt's soft voice. He didn't look up at her, just stared unseeingly at the grave marker and waited. He didn't have to wait long as Polly came to stand beside him and gingerly place a token of flowers on Charlotte's grave and the grave beside her...Sadie's.

"Nell never comes. Avoids this place like the plague, she does." Polly stated almost critically and if it weren't for the hint of sympathy that Tommy could hear in her tone, he would have taken umbrage with that comment.

"It's a reminder." He murmured instead as he swept his hand one last time over her name and stood, "A painful reminder of what could 'ave been."

Polly barely contained an irritated huff at that comment, "It could still be somethin'. Nell's still 'ere and so are you."

Tommy sent his Aunt a dark stare as he shook his head, "It's not the same anymore, Polly."

"So you jus give up, then? I've never known you to give up on anything." Polly lectured quietly as she returned his nephews dark stare, "You love Nell, you always 'ave and she loves you. The two of you are jus too dim to do anything about it."

"Polly..."

"Oh, don't you growl at me, Thomas. You know I'm right." Polly huffed and rolled her eyes, "Two sides o'the same coin, you two. So bloody stubborn."

Tommy sighed wishing he had a smoke as he listened to his Aunt prattle. He did love Nell, but she also made him hurt with an almost crippling pain...she made him all too aware of just how vulnerable he could be and that wasn't necessarily a good thing. He wanted her - "She can't 'ave kids anymore."

The stunned silence that followed his statement had his pained weary gaze meeting his Aunt's surprised stare. He smiled bitterly, his voice a scathing whisper as the words that have been trapped in his head the past few days finally came pouring out, "She 'as these scars...these 'orrible scars and she won't tell me where she got 'em. Refuses to tell me a bit about what she did while I was gone. Where she went, what 'appened. She doesn't trust me anymore, Aunt Pol. Nell. My Nell. And the worst of it is that I can't blame 'er. I've broken every promise I've made to 'er. Every damn one."

Polly fought for a moment to find her words. She had finally got what she wanted, Tommy was talking to her...but this? She bit back a weary sigh as he gaze turned stern "Then you get 'er trust back. Standin' 'ere wallowin' s'not gonna do you any good, now is it?"

Tommy shook his head, knowing his Aunt didn't understand, "I'm not sure I want her trust back."

"Not sure you want it or that you deserve it?" Polly snapped harshly.

Tommy found that he couldn't answer.

xXx

 **Small Heath, The Black Swan**

She needed a drink.

Nell sighed and tipped back further into the darkened corner of the Black Swan as she played with her glass of rum. Unable to bring herself to take a sip as she listened to a group of Irish sailors that were singing on the other side of the bar. A little drunk and a little off tune, but it sounded like home to her ears.

"You're a hard woman to find, ya know?"

Nell started something fierce at the low drawl that sounded beside her as she whipped around to find greyish blue eyes that were eerily similar to her own, "Christ, Johnny! Give a girl a 'eart attack, why don't ya?"

Johnny Dogs scoffed as he slid into the seat next to her, "Give you a 'eart attack, give me one. Between you and Tommy it's amazin' that I'm still bloody breathin', it is. Do you know what kinda mess you've gotten yerself into?"

Nell bit back a groan as she pinned Johnny with a hard stare as she drawled, " 'Ello Johnny, 'ow are you? I've been just dandy. 'Aven't seen you in a while. "

"Right. Right, sorry Nell. 'Ello, glad to 'ear you've been donin' fine, but I've been in bloody panic!" Johnny sputtered rapidly as he snatached her drink, he wasn't in the mood for pleasantries. He just wanted some bloody answers, "What the 'ell is goin' on?"

Nell grumbled silently to herself as she watched him down her rum. So much had happened in the past few weeks that she wasn't sure exactly what he was speaking of, "Depends. What are you talkin' about?"

Johnny nearly growled as he leaned into Nell's space. It wasn't a move to intimated her, he doubted he'd ever be able to do that considering she had spent her youth with Tommy. He wanted to make sure he wasn't overheard as he interrogated her, "Nell, 'ave you forgotten I know about your business, eh? That I run messages for you?"

"No-"

"No! Are ya sure? Because it seems to me that you've forgotten to mention that the Southern Operation's gone all to 'ell, now. I nearly got meself shot when I was in London runnin' an errand for one of your boys up North." Johnny chided with a wave of a frustrated hand, "And if that didn't take the bleedin' cake, I find that James is shacked up with Alfie Bloody Solomon by yer request. I didn't even know ya knew Alfie Solomon!"

Nell shifted uncomfortably as she raised a placating hand, "Keep your voice down. I don't need that information spreadin' around 'ere. Specially not with what Tommy's been up to."

Johnny huffed, not wanting to bring Tommy's recent behavior into this. The war with the Lee Family was another headache he'd have to deal with, "Nell, start bloody talkin'."

"A few weeks ago there was a meetin' amongst the players in the Southern Operation in Warwickshire. James 'ad discovered a mole and he 'ad whittled down the suspects to me and Peter Havershim. What was supposed to be a meetin' between the five heads, was just a meetin' with the three of us. It became obvious rather quickly that Havershim 'ad been leaking the locations of James's safe 'ouses. Unfortunately, whoever it was that Havershim was speakin' to 'as a lot o'power. I sent James to Alfie for protection and to give 'im time to regroup. He's supposed to send a message to me when he 'as more information."

"So the Southern Operation 'as been fallin' apart and you didn't think to notify anyone?" Johnny demanded incredulously.

Nell frowned sternly, a bit offended that Johnny would think she hadn't taken precautions, "I don't know 'ow much information that Havershim gave away. I don't know if the man he was speakin' to 'as gotten anyone workin' in the North. I'm not sendin' up a bloody flag until I know what the fuck it is I'm dealin' with Johnny. I've sent notice to a few I can trust – but other than that it's to remain quiet until I 'ave more information.

"What? And I'm not someone you can trust now? It would 'ave been bloody nice to know about all of this over a week ago, Nell." Johnny slouched back into his chair feeling surly and hurt as he gazed passed Nell. The only reason he knew any of this was because he had caught Nell housing strangers. Her refugees. It hadn't taken much to get the story out of her – though he was still a bit puzzled on how she had gotten him to be apart of her little smuggling network. He had never complained about it because he got good pay and he was able to make sure that Nell stayed out of too much trouble. At least, he had thought he could keep her out of trouble. He should have known that Nell was a magnet for it, much like Tommy.

Nell, for her part, smiled almost fondly at Johnny's sulk. He had been a distant cousin since birth, but he had been her friend since he had helped her get Tommy and Arthur stuck in mud pit when they were five, "Johnny, you're the only person alive that knows all my secrets. You know I trust you."

"All of yer secrets." Johnny stated in disbelief, "Is Alfie Solomon ringin' a bell?"

Nell shrugged a cheeky smirk crossing her lips, "Well, most of 'em. It'd be borin' if you knew all of 'em."

Johnny shook his head in exasperation as he pointed at her accusingly, "You 'ave some dangerous secrets, Helen. One o'these days they're gonna bite you in the arse."

"Probably." She murmured sagely, "How much does the North Operation know?"

Johnny shrugged, "Not much, but they're suspicious. You're supposed to be the link between the two, ya know? They'll be askin' ya questions soon."

Nell felt her stomach twist in dread. She did know that she would have to provide answers. The problem was that she didn't have enough answers to satisfy an inquiry, "Can you do me a favor?"

Johnny sent her a deadpan look, "Depends on the favor. Am I getting' shot at again?"

"I wouldn't think so, but this is you." Nell stated dryly with a benign smile.

"Oh she wants a favor and she's tryin' to be funny. You're not endearin' yerself to me missie."

Nell bit back her smile as she began a little more seriously, "Pass a message to the Northern Operation for me. Tell them I will meet with them in three day's time at the Cheltenham Race. Louis has a box we can use."

The Cheltenham Race. Johnny rubbed at his face, knowing that the Lee Boys would be out in droves that day workin' a hustle on Billy Kimbers men. Nell would be considered fair game if they caught sight of her, "You do know that Tommy 'as instigated a war with the Lee's, don't ya?"

"I'm aware." Nell sated tiredly, "He's been instigatin' all kinds of madness lately."

Johnny licked his lips, not wanting to know what else Tommy had gotten himself into as he stared at her pointedly, "They'll be at Cheltenham. If the Lee's see you, they'll come after you."

"I'm not with Tommy anymore, Johnny -"

He waved his hand, "That won't bloody matter and you know it. They know what you two mean to each other. Anyone wit a pair of eyes knows. The Lee's will use you against 'im in a 'eartbeat."

"They won't 'ave the chance. I'll make sure of it." Nell said stodigly. She had no fear of the Lee's. Too many of that lot owed her for her to worry about them. She worried about the Northern Operation and if she was about witness the end of the smuggling network. She couldn't let that happen.

* * *

 **Past**

Four weeks.

She had been laying in this hospital bed for four weeks and it had been much too long. Gradually, she eased her legs up as she pulled herself in a sitting position in bed. She could feel Alfie's sharp eyes watching her movements as she tried to get comfortable.

"Goin' for another escape attempt, luv?"

Nell rolled her eyes, "Not hardly, jus needed to shift is all."

A thoughtful silence followed her murmured response and Nell tried not to groan. A thoughtful Alfie was a dangerous Alfie. Either he would glean onto some sliver of information she had unknowingly let loose or he would barrage her with an overly long anecdote that made her want to strangle him.

"You've been rather subdued the pass few days, darling. You feelin', alright?" Alfie questioned quietly in concern. He may have only known Nell a short time, but he found her spitfire spirit refreshing and at times endearing. To see it diminished now...just didn't seem right.

"I'm fine, Alfie. Jus a bit tired." She bit back a sigh and leaned her head against her knees as she drew a steady breath. If she were honest she was feeling more than a little off, but was convinced her piquedness was in part due to her inability to move much or far, "Tell me about your bakery, Alfie."

"It's not my bakery yet, darling. Still my uncle's. What do you want to know, luv?" Alfie asked brusquely, a bit hesitant to tell Nell much of anything about his business.

Nell shrugged, not truly caring about what she heard – she simply needed something to focus on, "Tell me about your uncle. Is he tall? Fat? Mean? Nice?"

"Oh...well Uncle Eli is a baker. And I mean that in the true sense o'the word. He built this little bakery from the ground up, sad little thing really. When I was little he would bake fresh babka on my birthday – don't know if you've ever 'ad babka – but when it's made fresh – Aww luv there's nothin' like it." Alfie chuckled softly as he thought back on those days, "He's a big man, Uncle Eli... with this grand beard. I was always afraid that he would get 'is beard into the dough when he was bakin'. Imagine – eating a bit of bread and you'd end up pullin' out this long grey chin 'air. 'Orrible thought."

Nell giggled softly at the image Alfie painted. She had a hard time picturing the Jewish gangster as a child, but had no trouble picturing a sly-eyed boy watching an older man suspiciously as he kneaded dough. She glanced up to see Alfie's satisfied smile and quirked a brow, "What?"

"Jus 'appy to 'ear ya laugh. You've seemed a bit morose lately."

"I'm-"

"Miss. Donovan?"

Nell paused in her retort as she glanced towards the ward's door. She blinked in surprised as she met a familiar pair of green eyes, "Dr. Seymour! Well, this is a surprise."

"Yes, I 'ad been granted a short leave to come 'ome and I 'eard that you were recuperating 'ere." James Seymour statd almost shyly, though Nell knew him to be anything, but shy, "With your permission, would you mind going for a bit of a stroll?"

Alfie huffed a laugh gaining James attention for the first time, "The lass can barely stand, doc and you want ta go for a stroll?"

"Alfie." Nell hissed, feeling like a sister scolding an overprotective brother. No, she felt like she was scolding a Shelby, "Don't be rude."

"No." James interrupted with a slight smile, "He's right. More like I would be strolling while you would be rolling."

He nodded back toward the door and both Alfie and Nell looked over to see a nurse standing with a wheelchair. Nell smiled beautifully as she nodded, "You 'ave my permission."

"Perfect as I 'ave a proposition for you as well." James admitted offhandedly with an innocent look that bespoke of deviousness.

Nell stared pointedly at Alfie as he opened his mouth, a retort sharp on his tongue seemed to disappear under her gaze. Her pointed gaze turned to peaked interest and amusement at James as she asked, "This proposition wouldn't 'ave somethin' to do with transport papers would it?"

"Why Miss Donovan, it's as if you've read my mind." James stated sagely with a smile, much to Alfie's bemusement.

Nell hid a grin, feeling a rush of excitement through her veins at the prospect of doing something. Even if that something was forging documents, she would have been happy with just the trip outside


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: I know, I know it's been awhile. I got slammed by the holidays and work - but I'm back. I'm working on this story. Never fear it has not been abandoned. Thank you so much for your support. To: **purpleXorchid, Miss Scarlet Darkness, TheBookFairyXx, Cat, Fortunefollower, ozlady80,** and **Boomer1125** for reviewing. I appreciate the feedback, always love hearing from you guys.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Three**

 **Present**

 **Cheltenham**

"Was this really necessary?"

Nell arched a brow as she turned from the crowded room before her. She barely paid any mind to the happy clamoring and loud music as people proceeded to make themselves as drunk as possible before the race. Her weary grey gaze drifted to her left as she took in the harried sight of a six foot four inch man sulking like a child.

Louis Vangomery, the second born son of a Viscount or a Duke, Nell could never remember which and didn't really care to recall either – had become an unlikely ally in James Seymour's crusade to help the helpless. He opened his house and his connections on more than one occasion to the worn refugees and scared women who sought out James'e help. She had never been too clear on his motivations to offer such help and never had cause to find out. Their business ran on secrets and privacy, she never wanted to know too much about the people she worked with anyway.

However, Nell couldn't help the quirk of her lips as she dourily pointed out, "These _are_ your people. Shouldn't you be 'appy to 'ave a chance to revel with them."

"These are no more my people than a Panda is a bear." Louis responded testily as he stared disdainfully out at the whooping crowd, "What I meant is it really necessary to be holding this meeting? Surely things aren't as bad as they seem if Seymour couldn't deign to come tell us himself."

Nell refrained from rolling her eyes as she sighed tiredly, "It's because James couldn't be 'ere that this meetin' needed to occur. Look Louis, I know you've gone out of your way for me in setting this up. I also know how much you hate a good party – strange man that you are – but considerin' the circumstances... well, let's just say everyone will truly 'ave a reason to drink besides a bloody 'orse race soon."

Vangomery looked at her strangely for a moment before sighing, "That bad then."

"Potentially." Nell muttered as she gazed out over the crowd again. In truth, she wasn't much in the mood for the jaunty celebrations of the Cheltenham Race. The heady smell of perfume and smoke in the air mixed with the raucous laughter of the guests left her feeling a tad nauseous and surly. Not unlike her current companion. She always liked a good party, but Cheltenham wasn't the type of place she cared to do business, but it would give them all a good cover for the business they were to discuss.

As if he sensed that his own misery had brought her company, Louis raised a brow and nodded toward the back room were there associates were gathering, "You going in there with that Brummy accent of yours or will I actually be exposed to that posh accent you use on your marks."

A faint smile quickly flashed across Nell's lips at Vangomery's attempt at teasing as she met his mocking gaze guilessly, "I have no idea what you speak of Lord Vangomery."

Louis snorted appreciatively at the fine London bred accent that spilled from Nell's lips. He was of the opinion she should have been an actress in another life. As it was, her quirks and talents worked quite finely in their little smuggling business, "I must say in that dress and with that accent anyone would mistake you for respectable."

"I dare say that sounds like a compliment, Louis. Goin' soft in your old age?" Nell replied with a wicked smile that made Louis roll his eyes.

He glanced speculatively into his private box before holding out his arm, "Hardly. I believe it's time to begin."

Nell followed his gaze and sighed quietly with a nod of her head, "Go on. I need another moment."

Louis paused as he studied her impeccable mask of confidence. He whistled lowly as he stepped away from her, "Worse than I thought then."

Nell didn't respond as he left her to join the others in the meeting. She wasn't surprised that Louis had correctly interpreted her hesitation. He played the aloof distant royal well, but he could read people better than any of her gypsy cousins and that was saying something.

She drew a deep breath and let her senses be enveloped into the chaos that was occurring below her. As much as the race celebration threw her off kilter, it also provided a welcome distraction from the potential catastrophe this meeting could incur. She smiled vaguely as she watched a waiter spill a drink onto an imperious looking woman. The spill intentional by the faint glow of satisfaction coming from the waiter as he departed after quick apologies. Her smile froze, however, as she caught sight of a familiar face.

What was he doing here?

Nell stepped back nervously as she watched Tommy tread about the dance floor. Her eyes narrowed on the blonde he had in his arms. The barmaid...Grace. A familiar ache tore through her heart as she watched the pair dance. It wasn't much. A slight bounce and sway amongst the crowd. Tommy wasn't putting much effort into his movements, but he was...he -

She sighed regretfully as she felt tears begin to prick at her eyes.

He was smiling.

She hadn't seen him smile like that in ages. She knew this Tommy – or at least this faint shade of Tommy. The lightness she thought had disappeared with the war, glimmered faintly now as he escorted Grace away from the floor and to the back doors. He looked relaxed and tense all at once, he was in his element and Nell couldn't help but feel envious.

She wasn't sure who she was more jealous of in that moment. Grace for bringing back glimpses of the man that Nell once knew or Tommy for seeming to fit so effortlessly. Either way, his presence was slowly destroying her composure and she needed to be away. Nell tore her gaze away and straightened her back as she took a deep breath, missing Arthur's panting entrance as she did.

The ballroom's clamor came back to her ears, reminding her of where she was and what she needed to do.

She had a meeting to lead. Her heart could wait.

At least that was what Nell repeated to herself as she stood before the five heads of the north. Vangomery sat to her right. A bored prince watching the delegation suspiciously – it was a relief for her to see his scrutiny. His sharp eyes would find whatever she would miss and she silently thanked God that he was an ally and not an enemy.

"Helen, it's been some time." A soft grizzled voice commented, effectively pulling Nell from her thoughts. She quickly found her gaze latched onto a short kindly looking man with thick glasses. His nose permanently red from too much drinking. Head of the Manchester branch.

"Professor Brandle, it's good to see you again." Nell said quietly with a solemn nod, "How's Mrs. Brandle?"

"Irritated that I'm away." Brandle stated dryly as he slumped next to Louis, "Says you're do for a visit. But since such pleasantries can wait till later, why don't we get down to business, lass?"

"O'course." Nell intoned lightly as gestured for everyone to have a seat, "You all should 'ave received my messages by now."

"Cryptic poppycock more like." Giles Henderson of Newcastle growled over a glass of whiskey as he eyed Nell darkly, "You couldn't have been more vague if those letters had been a fog, Helen. How much trouble are we in?"

Nell barely stopped herself scowling at Giles deep timber as she calmly began to explain, "Potentially, a great deal. The operations may need to be shutdown -"

"Shutdown!"

"We can't just simply shut down, Nell."

"I have four groups waiting for transport -"

"You have people waiting for transport? I have people living in squalor -"

Nell exchanged a dry glance with Vangomery as the four men dissolved into an uproar of incoherent anger. She almost wished that Mrs. Brandle had travelled with her husband – if only to keep the older man in better manners.

Vangomery slid his drink in front of her with a wry smile. Nell was tempted to hit him, even as she took a sip. He enjoyed the drama a little too much. She let the squabbling continue for a few minutes, before raising a hand for silence.

"I'd like ta finish, if you all would be so kind." Nell stated firmly as she waited for the men to calm. The tone of her voice hardly disguised her ire, but it was enough to get everyone to settle, "As I said – we may need to shutdown. That's the worst case scenario at the moment. Currently, London and Devon are down. James is workin' on getting London back on track and assessin' damages. Wales and Birmingham are still runnin' like a well oiled pot."

"What exactly has happened, Nell?" Louis asked quietly. Speaking up for the first time since the meeting started.

Nell licked her lips as she eyes the men before her. They were leaning in waiting for that answer themselves. She sighed, "We had a mole."

"What?" Giles hissed as face darkened with rage, "Who?"

"James is assessin' how much of our information 'as been compromised. Hence this meeting. You lot need to be on 'igh alert. Any moves you make need to be beyond reproach... Are you understandin' me?" Nell continued as if she couldn't see the unease she had caused.

"Who was it, Helen?"

Brandle hummed lowly, "Is there a plan?"

Nell smiled almost wistfully, "Well, that's why we're here. I meet with James next week. I'll 'ave more information to work with then, but right now we need to plan for the worst."

And just like that the room exploded into voices again. Nell frowned at her drink – she was going to need a bottle.

* * *

 **Past**

 **London**

This wasn't what she had pictured when James had asked for her help. She could forge transport documents and a few other official documents..but she hadn't been expecting this. She frowned thoughtfully as she stared down at the grey image of a rather stern looking toddler. She didn't know the child's name, just his face.

"He lost both his parents during a raid on the front lines." James murmured quietly as he watched Nell take in the lines of child's expression, watched as she memorized the photo. She had no expression – no curiosity or anger or frustration and he found that rather unsettling. In the brief few months that he had been acquainted with the wild ambulance drive, never once had Nell been still, "Don't speak English. Just a splattering of German and Polish I think. He has an aunt 'ere. She's having trouble getting him in."

"Stop."

"He's by himself in the orphanage. He's scared, Nell."

"James." Nell said softly to stop the doctor's nervous rambling. She didn't need to hear about the child, didn't want or need to hear another sob story. He heart was already destroyed by her own problems, she didn't need to shoulder someone else's on top... even if that someone was a child, "What is it you want?"

James frowned and signed before leaning into her space. He twitched a little and Nell ached to point out that his attempt to be inconspicuous was simply making him more conspicuous, "You spent weeks helping me move about the men."

"Well that was my job, wasn't it? I am a driver." Nell stated dryly much to James frustration. She had no intention of making things easy for him.

"Nell, you know what I mean. We got the men that needed to go home – home. Safe." James reached forward and touched the back of her hand. A pleading expression entering his green eyes, "You knew exactly why I was here the moment I stepped into your hospital ward. I'm just asking you to help me get others to safety."

Nell licked her lips and scoffed, "James, I know 'ow to make military transport documents. I don't even know what kinda papers this boy would need to get to 'is aunt, let alone what they bloody look like. You're talking refugees – do you know 'ow incredibly dangerous this will be?"

"I know I'm asking you a lot, but Nell, if I can get you the proper papers?"

There was a long pause of silence as the two studied each other. In that moment, Nell hated the wheelchair she was sitting in, she needed to think and being stationary was doing nothing for her rushing thoughts, "I don't know."

James knee bounced as he held in a sigh and looked away. There weren't many people that he could trust, but Nell had earned his in the past few months. He had been beside himself when he had found out she had been shipped back to London. Even more so when he had discovered what had caused her transfer. He doubted that anyone had told her about Harriot, "I'm putting something together. I have a few people that I can go to – but..."

He stopped as he saw the look of disbelief cross Nell's face. She chuckled almost hysterically as she stared at him, "What?"

She snorted and had to cover her mouth with her hand as she tried to stop her incredulous smile, "You...your settin' up a human smuggling ring?"

"Not so loud!"

Nell almost choked as she watched his panicked movements, "Except, except you're not doin' it for sex or drugs, are you?"

"We will receive a certain amount of funds, but no. I – I want to be able to help these people." James said churlishly as he looked for all the world like a sulking child at Nell's amusement.

To be fair, Nell had never met someone as selfless as James. There was always some angle to play in schemes like these and she wasn't sure that James was aware of that. The bugger truly just wanted to help others. She sighed internally as she pushed back her inane humor. Most would think that being a doctor would be enough.

She shook her head as she took in his hopeful gaze, "You're gonna get yourself killed."

"Not if I'm careful."

"Ha, you're gonna get me killed."

James smiled widely, "Does that mean you'll help?"

Nell rolled her eyes, "It means I need time to think about it. So, tell me what you 'ave planned."

James nearly crowed in triumph, but settled for a silly smile instead as he stood to push Nell's chair. The could discuss and walk at the same time.

* * *

 **Present**

 **Small Heath**

Nell had a headache by the time she arrived home. Nothing had been settled by that meeting, though she was unsurprised. She knew putting the heads of the North into one room as useless and irritating. It was near impossible to get those men to work together on anything. Nell was of the opinion that James was a magician to get the network running through that group.

She sighed and leaned back against her front door as she tried to recount the good that had come of it. A new communication network had been established amongst the Five and herself. Codes put into place. Money would be need to transferred soon. New Castle would be running on crumbs in a month without London base operating. Already, she could see the work mounting up before her. Any documents that she had passed on in the past three months were deemed compromised. New identities and transport papers would be in order. She'd be working in her basement for the next week and that didn't include what she would need to do once she left for London.

James would need to be filled on the changes, but she was wary of sending any letter to him. Alfie would read it first – she was sure. The Jewish gangster didn't need to be privy to this kind of information. Hell, her headache increased as she thought of the long explanation she would have to give him for sending James into his protection.

Why couldn't anything be simple?

"You've been gone awhile."

The world had it in for her.

Nell suppressed a groan as she opened her eyes to see Tommy leaning in the kitchen doorway. He had spent weeks avoiding her, ignoring her and this was the day he had chosen to stop? Hadn't he been with Grace?

When she didn't respond to him, Tommy took a step forward an uncertain light flickering in his eyes as he was faced with her tired indifference, "That's a nice dress you're wearin'. Looks expensive."

The unasked questions in that sentence were clear. Nell didn't even bother to glance down at the deep purple satin that wrapped her body. She knew what she was wearing, she knew that he was asking her where she had been and how she could possibly afford her dress. His goons reports would have made it clear to him that the work she did only brought in pennies – but he would see the lie in that.

She smiled bitterly, "I'm sure you're not 'ere to discuss my taste in clothes. What are you doin' 'ere?"

"We should talk." Tommy quietly murmured as he edged closer to her. He seemed uncomfortable, ansty almost and Nell couldn't quite put a finger on why. It was possible he was still unsettled by their last argument, but she had this deep surging feeling there was more.

Nell scoffed, "And 'ere I thought you were avoiding me."

Tommy's icy gaze flashed, "I needed to think-"

"And I need to sleep. You should go." Nell said quietly as she stepped from the door, making it pointedly clear that she was kicking him out.

He didn't move nor did he hold her gaze. It was unlike him, but as Nell opened her mouth to tell him to get out he whispered, "I went to her grave."

Nell closed her eyes and swallowed against the rapid the sickening ache those words invoked, "Tommy..."

"I was angry, Nell." He said softly as if anything louder would break the holding they were in, "Still am. I should 'ave known about 'er from the start. I should 'ave been here when she was born...and when she passed. I should 'ave been with you through all of it. I missed everything."

"Even if I 'ad written to you – had told you about Charlotte. It wouldn't 'ave made a difference. You wouldn't 'ave been able to come 'ome." Nell whispered, "You would 'ave missed everything anyway."

She watched as his jaw clenched as he actively controlled himself. He had worked himself into some kind of fit and was fighting not to lose it in front of her. She recognized the signs – it was the same thing he do after his father had been on a particularly brutal bender, "Tommy -"

"Why didn't you write to me?" He asked, the question had been burning a hole in his head since he had found out about their daughter, "What 'appened, Nell? You only wrote to me once in all the time I was gone. What 'appened with Sadie? Where did you go? How – how did you..?"

His fingers grazed over the purple satin of her dress, right over her scar. She flinched away, "It doesn't matter now."

"It does matter. I need to know. How did you get hurt?" Tommy growled out as he glared at her. A hint of unsettled desperation lingering in his gaze.

Nell shook her head, not understanding, "Why? What could possibly be so important for you to know about my scars? Tommy -"

"I made a mistake."

The sudden silence was tense and filled with shock, "What?"

"I made a mistake." Tommy repeated slowly as he fell back against her hall wall, "I met with Billy Kimber today."

Nell had a sinking feeling in her stomach as she watched him. She cocked a brow and crossed her arms, "That man's a pig, why would you be meetin -"

"To get an official betting license. I need the house to be legit." Tommy answered wearily. He looked to be a hundred years old in that moment.

Nell scoffed, "And what's the price you 'ave to pay for that?"

Tommy sent her a warning look, "Nothin' I wasn't prepared to pay. That was until he wanted to sweeten the pot a bit."

"Sweeten it 'ow?"

He shifted a little under her suddenly dangerous gaze. He didn't see the build of fire in her grey orbs that had occurred when they were younger, but a simmering of something more dangerous, "He wanted Grace. The Garrison's barmaid."

"You took 'er with you." Nell stated as her mind flickered back over the moments in the Race House Ballroom. She wanted to laugh, apparently she wasn't the only one to think Cheltenham would be a good business place, "Tell me, you didn't."

"I sent 'er with him."

"You did what?" Nell growled as she advanced on him, "You did what? Do you 'ave any kind of idea what kinda reputation he 'as with women? Hell, with the whores? They won't service 'im anymore, Tommy!"

"I know." Tommy said as he backed away from her. He caught her hand as she prepared to land a blow, "It was all I could think of after she left. Then I thought of you – you've always sworn to 'ell and back that you'd stab a man who'd try."

"And what you were afraid she'd do the same to 'im? Ruin your business deal as it were." Nell bit out as she struggled with her sudden rage and disbelief, "The Tommy I knew would never 'ave treated someone as if they were expendable – especially not a woman and especially not like this. It's somethin' your father would 'ave done."

"I got 'er back before it was too late." His grip had unconsciously tightened at her last words and he missed her wince as her wrist became bruised, "She's already called me a bastard and given me the what for. You don't need to, as well."

"She didn't do a good enough job if you're still standin'." Nell spat back as she yanked away from him.

Tommy let her go as he watched her pace, "It's why I need to know. Tell me, the reason you can't 'ave children isn't because – because someone took a liking to you?"

There was a quietness to his voice that Nell had never heard before. She turned back to him then and scrutinized him carefully, "That's what was really going through your mind, wasn't it? That you 'ad images of someone 'olding me down, possibly with a knife, carving me up and well...carving me up?"

Tommy had gone pale at her description – her words not far from the truth. He had her screams stuck in his head as he had rushed to Kimber's house to retrieve Grace. The cigarette and scolding he had received had done nothing to settle his nerves, "Nell..."

"It was a car accident. Steering column impaled me. That's why I can't 'ave kids." Nell said shortly as she took a small bit of pity on him.

Tommy rubbed a hand over his face as he fell into the relief her words had caused. She was still angry and he was still wary as he spoke, "I still want to know. I want to know everything, Nell."

He wasn't surprised when Nell shook her head and pointed to the door, "No. Enough of the past 'as been dug up tonight. I don't particularly want to see you right now."

"Nell -"

"We're not friends anymore, Tommy."

"I don't care." He growled, "I want answers. I'm tired of your secrets"

Nell shrugged indifferently, unthinkingly locking the two into a standoff as she replied, "And I'm tired of your games."


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: So I know its been a little longer than I planned, but I wanted to get this out to you guys. Next chapter will be longer - this one is a bit of a filler. Please read and enjoy. Special thanks to: **Boomer1125, GiuliaZe, Guest, FortuneFollwer, purpleXorchid, TWD, lauran13, and Anastasia Dreams** for reviewing. I appreciate the feedback you guys! Thank so much!

Disclamier: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-four**

 **Present**

How did this always happen?

Nell held in a tired sigh as she stared into Tommy's icy eyes. She wondered vaguely if things would ever be easy between them. They stood in a silent stand off – neither willing to back down from the fight that was on the precipice, but at the same time Nell wanted none of it. She didn't want to be standing in the foyer of her home, dressed to the nines in her satin purple dress feeling a wall of...of...of secrets and lies, and God, just fucking everything standing between them.

She wanted to go to bed.

She wanted Tommy to go away.

She also wanted him to lay beside her and hold her until the world disappeared.

She wanted everything and nothing.

But mostly...mostly she wanted stillness.

Just a moment, where she could let her problems fall from her shoulders. Where her mind could catch up with her racing thoughts. Where she didn't hear the babbling voices of every person that needed something from her. Where she didn't have to be strong. She wanted this more than anything in the world, but it was a desperate desire because even if she did receive that one moment, she would blink and it would be all over. A moment of reprieve would only be a bitter cruelty.

She let her sigh out as she pushed back at her sad yearning. Her grey eyes closing briefly as she moved past Tommy into her sitting room. She could feel his gaze burning into her back as she did so. His quiet suspicious bafflement almost tangible at her sudden departure. She didn't care. Instead, she found a bottle of old rum that Alfie had given to her a long time ago and nicked a glass from the side-table cabinet that housed most of her liquor. She had made herself more than clear – she wouldn't be spilling anymore of her past and she was not going to welcome his presence any time soon.

"Why is it that you're the only one not watchin' your step with me?"

Nell frowned at the whispered question – Tommy's voice almost monotone. She glanced over a shoulder to get an idea of what he was thinking and felt a flair of surprise at the lost look she found on his face Her brow furrowed, "What are you talkin' about?

"There's no fear when you look at me. Arthur, John, Ada, Polly – they all have this fear and you don't." Tommy struggled to explain as he drew near to her again.

Nell rolled her eyes as she slipped to lounge on her sofa, "Sure you're not confusin' worry for fear? You've done a lot of stupid stuff lately."

"Maybe." Tommy murmured with a shake of his head, "Looks an awful lot like the looks I get from people in the streets."

She watched him rub tiredly at his face and she knew he was exhausted as she was – tired of going in circles. She would sympathize if she still wasn't so angry with him, but still he had piqued her curiosity, "And 'ow do I look at you?"

Tommy shrugged as he crouched before her, removing his hat for the first time since he had entered her home, "Depends. I've made you mad tonight – so you look at me like you want to murder me. Not a new look for you. Mostly, you seem not sad or wistful exactly – can't really think of the word for 'ow you look at me."

"Melancholic." Nell murmured as she sipped at her rum.

Tommy stilled as he considered her word, hearing the ring of truth to it. Melancholic. It was a good word for them, "Monisha."

"Stop. Stop callin' me that." Her earlier rage more than apparent in those few words. She met Tommy's gaze with an almost pleading glare, "I'm not your wife, Tommy. One night does not a marriage make."

Tommy sighed and took her glass to have a drink himself, "I know, luv. I know."

"Why are you still 'ere?"

"Don't know." He whispered as he gazed at her almost beseechingly. He wanted to tell her that he missed her. He wanted to tell her that he needed her, but those words weren't coming out. He wanted answers, but he also knew he wouldn't be getting any that night, "I looked for you."

He bit back a cold smirk as he watched Nell's confusion, "When the train pulled into the station bringing me and the others back – I looked for you, but you weren't there. Polly was and Ada and Martha for John, but you weren't. I thought...I thought you regretted it – our runaway wedding."

Realization dawned on Nell as she watched Tommy lose himself to the past. She had stayed away from the Shelbys when the men had returned – too scared she would spill everything at the sight of them. She shook her head ruefully, "I've never regretted that night."

"Why didn't you come to me?"

"Why did you go to Lizzie Stark?"

Tommy froze, not sure how to respond to that question. Her slapping him would have been less surprising. Nell, for her part, seemed to understand his sudden silence as she smiled bitterly and retrieved her drink from his hand, "What? You didn't think I knew?"

Tommy shook his head, "I've 'eard the whispers. Most think I'm not interested in sex."

Nell nearly snorted as she rested her glass to her temple, "Please, you've never been one to brag – people are jus stupid."

"How..."

This time she really did snort as she eyed him speculatively, her tone more acrid than she'd like as she answered, "Lizzie tends to forget to close her curtains. Gotten an eyeful on more than one occasion...Not always you, mind."

"Nell..." Tommy sighed and looked away, feeling for the first time in a very long time embarrassed, "I -"

"You." Nell whispered sadly before she tossed back the rest of her drink and slid the glass onto the sleek wood of the side table.

"I never meant to hurt you." Tommy whispered in return as he met her gaze, silently begging her to understand him the way she always had in the past. To hear the words he could never speak aloud.

What he didn't expect was the timid smile that he received as she brushed a hand through his hair, "You didn't, Tommy. Of the two of us, your tally on dealing out hurt is far smaller than mine."

"Don't. Don't say that." He shook his head and grabbed her hand. She didn't wear his ring on her finger, but he had seen more than once on a chain around her neck. Despite her distance, he knew that Nell still cared for him. He tugged her up a bit so he could sit behind her. His arm easily rested across her hip as she nestled into his side. Briefly, he wondered at how they had been ready to tear strips off each other a few minutes before, but now sat in a disenchanted silence that was proving more painful than any flung insult.

Nell found herself holding in another sigh. Taking a breath, she caught wisps of an unfamiliar perfume on Tommy and despite her anger, she suddenly wanted to cry. The panicky pain she had felt ballroom earlier came barreling back. Despite the agony of that moment, she forced herself to relax against Tommy as she quietly stated, "She seems nice...Grace."

"Nell."

She heard the warning in his voice and felt it grate at her nerves, "Does she make you smile?"

"I'm not havin' this discussion with you." Tommy muttered as he felt a headache come on. He would lose it if she pushed the issue. He wouldn't be able to handle it if she gave him permission to date the new barmaid. More than anything he wanted her to shout at him for it – to be jealous and infuriated with him over his small attraction to the blonde. He didn't want her to be accepting of it. It would be too much.

Yet, he should know by now that Nell never listened to him. Despite the tense coil his body had become, she had to say one last thing, "Don't fuck it up."

Tommy flexed his fingers as he tried to contain his sudden irritation, "Funny, Ada said the same thing to me. Only it was about you."

There was a pause as Nell took in Tommy's words, though he had a feeling she was focused on something else entirely. She shifted and rose to look at him properly, "Have you spoken to 'er recently?"

And suddenly, Tommy felt a different wave of irritation as he thought of his baby sister – Nell would call it hurt as he shook his head, "No...no it's better that I don't. Not now anyway...you?"

"Nothin'." Nell whispered sadly as she wondered how Ada was doing. How she was handling the pregnancy – if she was scared or excited.

"She'll be alright. Freddy will take care of 'er."

Nell raised a surprised brow as she heard Tommy's soft defense of his ex-best mate, "Am I dreamin' or did you just say somethin' good about Freddy?"

"You were the one to tell me he'd do right by 'er."

"Yes, but that's me." She shifted to stare at him as she tried to figure out what was going on.

Tommy rolled his eyes at her sudden scrutiny, "I don't hate Freddy."

"Mmm."

"Nell."

"What 'appened between you two?" Nell asked curiously. Not even she knew what had happened to between the two men. She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when it had all fallen apart. Hell, she was still trying to pinpoint that exact moment it had all fallen apart for her and Tommy.

For his part, Tommy sent her a pointed look as he responded dryly, "What 'appened between you and Sadie?"

Nell pursed her lips as huffed quietly to herself, "Fair enough."

"I'm not gonna stop askin', you know?" Tommy said quietly, more serious than Nell had seen him in a long time, "I want answers Nell. I _am_ tired of your secrets."

"Some things are better left alone, Tommy. When are you gonna learn that?" Nell asked tiredly as she finally stood to head to her bedroom. Silently, she puzzled over the chaotic storm that Tommy had invoked by his presence. She had gone from hurt to furious to weary in less than an hour. She no patience left for further conversation.

She didn't question the fact that Tommy made no move to leave the sofa as he watched her depart. His frantic need to know about her scars earlier was enough to let her know that he probably wasn't going to leave any time soon – despite her internal wish he would.

He tipped his head back and slumped further on the sofa as if he knew what she was thinking, "You're a pain in the arse, Nell."

"I know."

* * *

 **Past**

She wasn't blind.

Her mother seemed to think so, however.

Nell hadn't missed the cough or the shortness of breath. She hadn't missed the easy fatigue and the almost pallid complexion that her mother was currently sporting – had been sporting for a while now. Sadie Donovan was sick. Nell knew it, but couldn't get her mother to admit it and it hurt. It hurt that her mother was not telling her what was going on. It hurt that Nell had to now pry any words from her mother. She knew though, that she was to blame for the current stonewall between the two of them.

Sadie had not taken the news of her pregnancy well. Even worse, when Nell had finally confessed to her mother about the runaway wedding that Tommy had planned and that she had participated in. Her ears were still ringing with her mothers harsh words. Never once had her mother said an unkind thing about Tommy. Not when he had thrown mud at her when they were five or when he had been arrested before their first wedding. She had been unhappy, but no words had been said. However, that self-imposed rule disappeared at the news that her daughter had been a kidnapped bride. Tommy had suddenly become a horrific monster in her mother's eyes. A braggart and a bastard – and those had been the nicest of the insults. Nell's defense of him, had only made matters worse.

Now, she stared at the waste bin in the kitchen. She stared at the rumpled handkerchief laying inside as Polly bustled about the Donovan's kitchen. Nell was barely aware that the older woman was there, having become used to her constant visits. While Sadie had been disappointed at the news of Nell's baby – Polly had looked relieved. Nell didn't want to ask why. Instead, she gently rubbed her hand over her swollen belly and stared into the waste bin. The kerchief was stained with blood. She wouldn't have thought much of it, if it hadn't been for the fact that she knew it was her mother's.

A quiet shuffling reached her ears and she turned in time to watch as she watched her mother step gingerly down the stairs. Her baby and her wedding should not been enough to keep her mother from telling her that she was ill. Something was wrong – Nell should know.

"Mum." Nell called gently.

Sadie barely glanced her way. Her hands tight on the banister, "What is it?"

For a moment, Nell felt a tremble of fear. She never had to push things with her mother, but now she elt like she was about to cross a line, "How're you feelin'?"

"Fine."

The kitchen had become deadly silent and Nell knew Polly was watching. She crossed her arms and drew a breath, silently steeling herself, "You don't look it."

"Well I am, Nell." Sadie said quietly as she drifted toward the stove. The kettle was already hot as her shaking hand poured a cup of tea, "You should eat. You're too thin for the baby."

"Mum..." Nell sighed as she watched her mum not even look at her, "Maybe we should go to the doctor's."

Sadie raised a sardonic brow, "Somethin' wrong with the baby."

Nell swallowed tightly as she felt Polly's eyes borrowing into her with silent warning, "For you, mum."

"I told you. I'm fine."

"You've been coughin' blood, that's not fine." Nell pushed.

Sadie scowled as she slammed her teacup down on the table, making Nell jump, "What business is it of yours? You snoopin' through my things."

"You're my mother."

"Am I?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Nell questioned feeling nauseated at the glare her mother sent her. This wasn't her mother – this wasn't Sadie.

"I don't know, maybe that no daughter of mine would 'ave been carryin' a bastard. Maybe that my daughter would 'ave thought before she acted .Mayb -"

"Sadie."

"Stay out of this Polly." Sadie snapped. Her gaze sad and bitter as she stared at her daughter – not noticing Nell's thinly veiled horror as she watched a thin trail of blood slip down her mother's chin.

"Mum, your mouth." Nell whispered as she pushed herself up to grab a rag. Sadie gently touched her lips to feel the blood – she was surprised and a bit dazed by the appearance.

Nell, however, didn't get any nearer to her mother. Polly had stepped between the two women, shoving a kitchen rag into Sadie's hand as she did so. Her voice rumbled low as she muttered, "Nell's right, you need a doctor."

Both Nell and Polly winced at the curse that fell from Sadie's mouth. Sighing quietly, Polly looked toward Nell, "Grab your things. You'll stay at the house."

"Polly, no." Nell said shaking her head as she stared fretfully at her mother.

"Nell, it's not safe for you or the baby to be 'ere. You need to think o'that child inside you." Polly pointed out as she hovered over Sadie, "I'll take care of your mum. Don't you worry."

"Polly -"

"My child is perfectly safe 'ere." Sadie grumbled as she slumped against the table, "I'd never put her at risk. Don't you dare ins -"

"Your child? A few seconds ago you were practically saying you didn't 'ave a daughter." Polly snapped as she helped the older Donovan into a seat.

"Don't touch me." Sadie snapped back as she wretched her arm away from Polly.

Nell could only watch worriedly as she saw the sense in Polly's words. She couldn't bring herself to leave just yet – she needed to know her mother would be okay. Drawing a breath as she watched the two women bicker with each other. She needed to now what was wrong. So focused on her mother she was, Nell didn't notice Polly's second command to go get her things. She turned abruptly on her heel instead – muttering about getting a doctor.

Polly sighed as she watched Nell leave. Nell would have to come back to the Shelby home. Sadie was too sick for her to be around – silently she left Sadie's side to hail one of the street children as she murmured quick instructions to fetch Charlie Strong. She would have Charlie move Nell's things, already knowing that Nell wouldn't do it willingly. It was going to be a long few months.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Ok this is definitely a filler chapter, but I needed it here for the next chapter which I'm super excited about and I think you'll guys will enjoy. Also a good question was posed in the reviews by GiuliaZe that I feel I should explain here. I didn't make it so Nell can't have kids to torture her - her getting hurt so badly was the catalyst that drove her to becoming as independent as she is now. The loss of Charlotte destroyed her, but it was the loss of being able to carry a child that rebuilt her. Alright Special thanks to **Bloomsky, GiuliaZe, Gina-B-ookworm, ctrlaltdiee, Guest, and Anastasia Dreams for reviewing.** I always appreciate the feedback and thoughts.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Five**

 **Present**

Nell swore it had been ages since she had felt the cool touch of a pen in hand. In reality, it had only been a few days; since before the race that she had made time to go over her documents. It, however, felt like a lifetime. She kept her focus on the papers before her as she dipped her pen into a new inkwell – forcing herself not to think about Tommy. Forcing herself not to think about his concerned gaze as he lingered the next morning or the stilted conversation that followed. Whatever truce they had called in the wee hours of the morning was over. He was back to digging for answers and she was back to avoiding him.

It was easier to do with the amount of work needed to be done for the Network. New transport documents and identities would need to be sent North. She had just sent a missive to James and Alfie inquiring about progress and her impending trip to London. Despite the mess that her smuggling work had become, it was by far the more put together aspect of her life as sad as that was to say. It was also the more tedious.

She made it through six documents before words began to blur before her eyes and colors all seemed to look black. She loved her work and she also hated her work. The results of her transport papers – of all her forged documents were usually worth the pain of creation. She tilted her head back as she felt the pressure build in the base of her neck and stretch up behind her corneas, she knew she had pushed herself too far. It was always worth the pain. Furrowing her brow, she glanced down at the papers again and winced as the blur seemed to intensify.

Sighing quietly, Nell threw her pen down and made quick work of clearing her mess and laying out the proper documents to dry. She was halfway through putting her coat on when she remembered the two idiots that Tommy still had trailing her every move. She groaned as she wondered if the moronic duo were still treading along the Cut looking for her or had come near the warehouse district. She was trading one headache for another it seemed. Nell finished buttoning her coat, deciding if she were going to be avoiding her ghosts that she may as well pay a visit to a Shelby that she hadn't seen in months.

She was lucky. Nell peered cautiously out from the dusted windows of the warehouse and noted that few people were milling about. Her shadows hadn't figured out to come near the warehouses yet and for that Nell was grateful. Ignoring the ache in her head as she shifted from the shadows into the light, she hurriedly made her way into the back alley and into the more populated streets of Small Heath. She paused only momentarily as she considered which safe house Freddy would be using. Despite the fact that Communist Rebels had hiding holes all over Birmingham, there was a strict rotation on which houses could be used. Their system wasn't much different from the Networks. She ducked into an alley as she considered the two most likely places Freddy would take Ada. A pregnant woman would need access to more nutritional and medical means than anyone else - despite what Ada thought, the younger girl was a bit spoiled.

Nell pursed her lips and turned right – heading down a less crowded street until she was more in the alleys. There was only one place she could think for Ada and Freddy to be hiding in and as she treaded down the back steps of the old Baker's Mill Inn, she knew she was right. She would have to be deaf not to recognize Ada's voice even muffled through brick wall. God, she hoped they weren't fighting. She finally slipped inside the hallway to their door and knocked with a light tap. The silence that followed was almost tangible.

Nell had to fight not to smirk when Freddy finally yanked the door open to peer cautiously out, "Aren't you supposed to ask who' standin' out 'ere before you open that?"

"Nell!" Ada cried out somewhere in the background.

Freddy leveled her with a more suspicious glare, not budging from the door, "How'd you know where to find us, Nell?"

"Please, I know this bloody city like the back of my 'and." Nell murmured dryly as she quirked a brow at him. She couldn't say that she and Freddy had ever been friends – she like him, but they had never had much cause to spend time with one another.

"Oh, stop blockin' the door and let 'er in!" Ada snapped.

Suddenly, Nell saw small fingers slip around Freddy's arm as Ada tried to force him out of the way. She smiled amusedly as Freddy finally backed away with the roll of his eyes. For the first time in months Nell was able to take in the sight of her surrogate little sister. Her stomach was already swollen with child and Nell had to wonder how far along Ada had been when her pregnancy had first been discovered. Despite Ada's excitement to see her there was a cautious pause as the younger girl let Nell study her.

Nell had to wonder if that hesitancy was from her own family's reaction to her pregnancy or fear of the jealousy or pain that Nell may be feeling. She couldn't lie to herself – it was harder than she thought it would be to see Ada in this state. She pushed her insecurities to the back of her mind as she smiled softly, "No letters, no calls, not even a visit before you disappeared off the face o'the earth. You're gettin' to be as bad as your brothers."

Ada smiled beautifically as she suddenly fell into Nell's arms, her relief more than palpable, "Oh Nell, I've missed you."

"Haven't gone anywhere."

"I know. It's just everything has changed and there's so much I wanted to tell you." Ada pulled away from her to stand next to Freddy. Her smile nearly contagious as she grabbed his hand, "We got married!"

Nell smirked faintly as she nodded, "I 'eard. Congratulations."

"What are you doin' here, Nell?" Freddy asked quietly. The suspicion in his eyes never quite diminishing, even in the face of his wife's excitement.

"Freddy!"

Nell waved off Ada's slight rebuke even as Freddy it ignored, "Been meaning to check on Ada – see if she's alright and if she needed anything. Being cooped up is always difficult."

Freddy snorted, "What would you know about it? You're still out and about as it were – living the high life, right? Got your own house, make your own money. Ada's fine. I look after her now."

Ada huffed quietly as she scowled up at her husband. She didn't have a chance to rebuke him again as Nell responded more calmly than anyone expected, "I'm not gonna apologize for the way I live my life, Freddy. Nor will I answer to you for it. And it would do you well to remember that you're not the only person in the whole bloody world that cares and worries for Ada. Or are you not allowing 'er to have friends now?"

Freddy bristled slightly at Nell's lofty tone. She could tell he was aching for a fight and wondered how much of his restlessness had to do with his self-imposed imprisonment, "Did Tommy send you too? Another attempt to get me and Ada to leave the city? He must be getting' desperate if he sent you."

"Freddy that's enough!" Ada snapped as she flounced onto her bed with an angry glare. Any pleasure she had felt at Nell's visit had vanished in the face of his subdued hostility. Was it too much to ask for a few minutes where there was no fighting?

"Tommy didn't send me. I never 'ave and never will do his bidding." Nell stated dryly as she crossed her arms with an eye roll. She quite clearly dismissed Freddy as he scowled silently and turned her attention back to Ada, "What about you, luv? How are you doin'? The baby givin' you any trouble?"

Ada smiled grudgingly as she rubbed her stomach, "Only gives me trouble when I try to sleep and then I need to wee constantly. Been feelin' like an overgrown football these days."

Nell smirked as she came to sit beside her surrogate sister, "That's the way of it though. Wait until you're almost due – feels more like a boulder is on your bladder."

"Oh, lovely." Ada sighed as the two girls giggled, "I hope it's a girl."

"Yeah? You want a little terror like you, eh?" Nell teased as she watched Ada start to bluster.

"I wasn't a terror!"

Both Nell and Freddy scoffed at that defiant cry as Freddy mumbled, "You've always been a terror. Still are."

"Hardly. You don't seem to 'ave a problem with it as you're the one who married me." Ada defended lightly as she sent Freddy a baleful glare, "'Sides, I'm tired of bein' surrounded by boys."

"Ahh, but you're a beautiful terror Ada. Always captivated me." Freddy drawled softly, the affection for the younger girl clear in his gaze.

Nell bit back a smile as she watched the two flirt. As much as she agreed with Tommy that Freddy needed to leave the city, if only to protect Ada and the baby, she could never condemn their marriage. She wished Tommy could see this... well, not the hole they were living in –he'd have a fit, but Ada and Freddy as a couple.

The conversation continued much like that through much of Nell's visit. Light with probing questions here and there from all parties. It was both relieving and exhausting for Nell as her worries for Ada settled for the most part. Her only fear now was of Freddy doing something stupid that would end with Ada become a widow and single mother. It was a scenario that Nell had no desire to see play out.

As she gathered her things to leave, Ada curled up on the bed losing herself in a slow dose. Nell didn't begrudge her the rest as she clambered up the abandoned Inn stairs with Freddy at her heels. She shoved her hands into her pockets as she turned to look at Freddy. He resided just within the door, out of sight of any curious onlookers.

"Nell..." Freddy began slowly in the face of Nell's suddenly indifferent façade. He swallowed tightly as he continued, "Thank you for making this visit, just a visit. It did Ada good to see a friendly face. Polly stops by every so often, but she's more doom and gloom than anything else."

"She 'as a right to be. She's scared." Nell replied softly as she sent Freddy a steely look, "Tommy's doin' enough to give Poll a heart attack, but if Ada gets hurt because you were too prideful to leave this bloody city." She shook her head, "Freddy jus don't be stupid."

"I'm not, Nell." Freddy replied in frustration and she could visibly see him fighting not to fight with her, "Ada won't get hurt."

Nell sighed and pursed her lips, "I hope you're right. Jus remember that not all hurt is physical, eh...Take care of 'er, Freddy."

"I will."

Nell was sure that his reassurance was supposed to sound confident, but it sounded more like the assurance of a petulant teenager. She withheld another sigh and nodded her head in goodbye. It wasn't her place to interfere further in the Thorne household. She could only hope and pray the new family would be okay.

* * *

 **Past**

"We're so close."

Tommy smiled at his younger brother's whispered words. John had been practically vibrating with strange mix of dread and excitement since they had bored the train for Birmingham. They were going home. After four long fucking years in the mud and blood... they were going home. All of them were relieved to finally be out of France, but expectations of going home were all vastly different.

Arthur had been surprisingly quiet for most of the ride. Half drunk by the time they had actually sat down on the express. Tommy was sure that his older brother was just waiting for the dream to end. For the moment when he opened his eyes and the train would be gone and the dim lamp light and cold surroundings would be back. He sure as fuck knew that was what he was waiting for. Being able to go home just seemed like a cruel dream. He glanced over toward John as he shifted in his seat.

He envied his little brother. Despite the fact that John had seen just as many horrors as his two older brothers he still had his hope. He had believed until the very end that they would make it home again. Tommy knew that in large part had to do with Martha. His brother's young bride had been nothing but diligent in her correspondence with her husband. Her letters always brought a longing smile to his face and the parts that he had shared with the others in the squadron had brought laughs. Laughs that had been few and far between. Hell, John had two children to look forward to meeting now as well. His wedding night and a brief respite on medical leave had been all the time John needed to spawn his offspring.

Tommy supposed he had two new family members to meet as well. They were his nephews after all. He frowned as he felt the uncomfortable tightness in his chest as he caught sight of John's longing again. His little brother wasn't the only one missing someone. He could barely picture the wildfire in her grey eyes anymore, but he hadn't forgotten much else of Nell.

His Nell.

He swallowed tightly at thought of facing his gypsy bride again. She had only written to him once in all the time he had been gone. Her letter had more than expressed her worry and concern for him while also her entire frustration with their situation. It had been a very Nell letter, he had decided later as he read it again for the thousandth time. She had somehow managed to irritate him and make him smile at the same time.

He regretted not writing back to her. He had wanted to tell her about everything, but at the same time she didn't need that worry. He didn't want her to fear for him.

It had been both a relief and a concern that he hadn't received another letter from her. He had fully been expecting another missive only this time filled with insults and threats to make him respond. Nell was never one to simply stop talking to him because of a lack of response. It hadn't come.

Why hadn't it come?

A small voice that he had too long become accustomed to began to whisper that she didn't want him. That Nell regretted their runaway wedding... Why else hadn't she written to him?

"John, if you don't fuckin sit still, I'm gonna to throw you out the bloody window and you can walk 'ome." Arthur drawled suddenly as his half drunken nap was disturbed by John's shifting and nervous tapping.

Tommy smirked quietly at the interruption. Half the train car was in an excited rumble as they weren't they only soldiers on board returning home, but it was John-boy's fidgeting that had caught their older brother's attention.

John heaved an aggrieved sigh as he glared balefully at his older brothers, "How are you two so fuckin' calm?"

Arthur and Tommy exchanged amused glances before Tommy said, "Because we're goin' home, John. We're goin' home."

John didn't stop fidgeting and Arthur didn't stop grumbling even as the train finally pulled into the station. A melee of duffle bags and shuffling to the exit occurred quicker than Tommy anticipated and before he knew it, he and his brothers were in the familiar smoky air of Birmingham. He sauntered behind John as his younger brother pushed through the crowds. How he could know that he was going in the right possible direction Tommy could only guess, but he didn't question it as he caught sight of Polly.

A joyous smile broke out across his Aunt's face as she finally spotted them. Just behind her he could see Ada bouncing in her heels. Christ, she had grown.

He barely had time to blink before hugs were being traded. He held stock still as Polly placed her hands on his cheeks and carefully – tearfully looked him over, "Oh, it's about time you came back."

"Aunt Poll." Tommy greeted quietly before she pushed him away to look over Arthur. He caught John and Martha kissing from the corner of his eye. Yet as he peered over Ada, Polly, Finn who was currently clinging to his leg and looking much more like a boy than the toddler Tommy had left... there was someone missing.

He searched quietly for her wild russet locks and vibrant grey gaze. A thin thread of worry began to worm through his gut. He even searched for her familiar older doppelganger, but saw no sight of Sadie either.

Where was she?

Polly seemed to sense who he was looking for as she smiled sadly at him, "She wouldn't come."

Tommy looked up sharply at his Aunt. Polly sighed as she saw all the questions that he couldn't bring himself to ask, "A lot 'appened while you were away. We can talk about it at the house."

As if that was all the explanation Tommy needed for Nell's absence. He could feel the rug being pulled out from under him. He couldn't help the little voice in the back of his head that repeated Nell's disenchantment. He was suddenly very aware of the scars that littered his body, of the blood that covered his hands and the muck that clouded his mind. He was damaged goods now. He bit back a pained sigh. It was for the best that Nell wasn't here.

She wouldn't have to see the utter fucking mess he had become.


	26. Chapter 26

A/N: Okay here is Chapter Twenty Seven. A good deal of what occurs in this chapter will be flushed out in the next chapter, more appearances from Alfie soon! I hope you guys enjoy. **Special thanks to: GiuliaZe, ctrlaltdiee, TWD, Guest, and Anastasia Dreams for** **reviewing.** I really appreciate the feedback you guys.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Seven**

 **Small Heath, Present**

Nell was meticulous. She had to be if she wanted to survive in the world in which she worked, lived really. Her attention to detail was what allowed her to create passable forgeries, but such hyper-attention had the tendency to overflow into other areas of her life. It was why she always knew when she was being followed, why she knew the train schedule by heart and when Charlie Strong would be doing his runs for the Peaky Blinders. For the people close to her, she knew their daily patterns – she knew she could always find her neighbor, Mrs. Nesbit, sipping tea in her kitchen on Tuesday afternoons and heading to the grocers on Thursday morning. She knew that Polly would be late to the betting house on Wednesdays and that John would be drunk in the Garrison on Sundays. Even Tommy and Arthur kept to their routines, though a little more loosely than John or Polly. The only Shelby that she could never quite pin down, whose habits tended to change with every new wind was the youngest Shelby.

Finn.

The young boy was her wildcard. In a way she could rely on the child's fickleness. There would be weeks where he would be the epitome of a angel child. He would go to school, do his homework, do whatever chore was asked of him with little grumbling. More often, he would find a new place to play and have an adventure. Sometimes he would spend his time in Nell's home or trailing his brother's or he would watch the coppers on their rounds. He'd be missing until Polly sent the other Shelby siblings after him and then he would be returned, dirty and scowling at having his fun ruined. Despite his whimsical ways, Nell had learned early on that Finn Shelby was just as clever and observant as Tommy – not much got passed the young boy. As a result, she had also learned to watch anything she did or said around the child. Not for fear that it would get back to the Shelby's, but because she didn't want his intelligence to hinder his childhood. She didn't want him leaving childhood any sooner than he had to... and that was already a difficult task when his family ran the Peaky Blinder gang. It didn't stop her from trying though.

So, it came as both an unexpected surprise and a befitting happenstance to find Finn in her home as she returned from her warehouse one afternoon. The young Shelby had curled up on the sofa with Specter, his expression distant. Nell wasn't sure if he was on the verge of falling asleep or sulking over some rebuke. She didn't question his presence as she removed her coat and gave him a quiet greeting, "How'd you get that old cat to come downstairs? You bribe 'im?"

The orange tabby blinked open his eyes at the sound of his mistress's voice before stretching out across Finn's lap. The boy smiled faintly as he continued to stroke Specter's fur, "No, jus called for 'im."

Nell snorted as she watched the duo for a moment. It was strange to see Finn so still and as she came to sit on the edge of the sofa she noticed the faint trembling in his fingers, "Finn?"

He didn't respond, simply curled his fingers a little tighter into the cat's fur. Nell's stomach dipped with concern when he wouldn't meet her gaze directly, "What 'appened, luv?"

Finn shook his head with a shrug, "'S nothin'."

"Doesn't look like nothin'." Nell said with more patience than she usually possessed. She watched as he swallowed and peeked up at her through uncertain blue eyes. Oh, he was definitely a Shelby.

"I don't want'cha to be mad." Finn mumbled.

It took all of Nell's strength not to groan. Her mind raced with all kinds of scenarios as she tried to think of what Finn could have possibly done to anger her. She pursed her lips and raised a brow as she continued with a soft tone, "Did you do somethin' that would upset me?"

"No...I don't think so." Finn answered quietly, his brow furrowing in confusion as he thought over his words.

Yet, if anything he had only made Nell confused, "Then why would I be mad with you, luv?"

Finn shook his head again as he explained, "Not with me. With Tommy."

Nell nearly sighed at the mention of his older brother. It really didn't take much for Tommy to incur her wrath, though usually it didn't take much for him to earn her forgiveness either. She eyed the fretful boy for a second as she chose her next words. She didn't get a chance to speak, however as Finn burst out, "I don't like it when you and Tommy fight."

"When have you ever seen me and Tommy fight?" Nell asked bewildered. To her knowledge Finn had never been witness to any argument between the ex-lovers or had even spent much time around them in general.

Finn fidgeted, showing a little more liveliness than he had earlier as he confessed, "I 'aven't, but I can tell when you are. You look sad and you don't talk as much and Tommy gets meanier and..and has no patience."

Nell felt her brows raise incredulously at the younger boy as he sheepishly muttered, "Is what Aunt Polly calls it."

She bit her lip, unsure if she wanted to laugh or cry. Finn was far too observant for his own good. She did sigh then as she sat back in the sofa, "Finn, what 'appened?"

"Promise not to be mad?" Finn asked cautiously as he watched her warily.

Nell wasn't about to promise any such thing as she said, "No, but I promise that I won't murder your brother unless I 'ave a good reason."

"Miss. Nell."

"Finn."

The young Shelby grumbled quietly to himself before he started, "I was pretendin' to be 'im."

His gaze met hers tentatively and she nodded at him to continue. So far, he hadn't done anything out of the norm. Everyone, including Tommy, knew how much Finn adored his older brother. Usually, it was a source of amusement rather than concern.

"I was sittin' in the car – John left it by the bettin' house. And I was pretended to drive." Finn rambled slowly as he worked through what he was going to say. It was only when he started to tremble again that Nell grew concerned, "And then Tommy came out. And asked me how I got in the car, before telling me to get out the same way I got in...but I...I didn't listen. I was jus pretendin' I swear!"

Nell reached out automatically to grab Finn's hands. She doubted he noticed, but his grip on Specter was getting a little too tight and she was distantly surprised the old cat hadn't scratched him yet, "Finn, it's alright, luv. You 'aven't done anything wrong. Did Tommy yell at you for being in the car? Is that why you're upset?"

Finn's blue eyes had a watery glaze to him as struggled valiantly not to cry. He hadn't cried earlier and he didn't understand why he was so upset now that he was talking to Nell. He hadn't let Tommy out of his sight for hours after and luckily for him, his brother had patiently tolerated his presence until he had to go to the Garrison, "No...I didn't listen. And Tommy, he ran to the car and there was a bomb and he threw it jus before it exploded. He made sure I was safe. He said I shouldn't pretend to be 'im anymore."

Bomb.

Nell had stiffened in horror. She could feel the color draining from her face as she tried not to let her sudden fear show. Her heart slammed against her chest as she fought against the sudden constricting tightness of her throat.

A bomb?

She licked her lips and took a steadying breath as she quietly asked, "Why was there a bomb in the car, Finn?"

"John said the Lees were sendin' Tommy a message." The young boy whispered, because despite Nell's brave front he could see her worry and her sudden anger. He knew she would be mad. He tightened his grip on her fingers and flung himself into her side, "Please don't be mad, Nellie."

The whispered plea and term of endearment choked at Nell's heart. He hadn't called her by that name since he was very little. She sighed and combed her fingers through his hair. She couldn't deny the sudden rage pouring through her veins like a fiery river. The war Tommy had ignited with the Lee Family was getting out of hand, "Shhh luv. Don't you worry none."

Nell held Finn against her until she felt him calm and then forced him into the kitchen. She smiled dimly as she gave him tasks to help with dinner, adding seasonings to the meat, giving him the masher for the potatoes. It wasn't much of a meal, but a welcomed distraction for both parties. She delivered him into Polly's care after and if the older woman noticed the dangerous glint in Nell's eyes she said nothing. Instead, she smiled knowingly to herself as Nell drifted off in the direction of the Garrison.

In truth, Nell would barely recall her arrival at the Garrison later. She would remember the cold touch of the door handle as she pushed inside and the sudden quiet that descended over the bar at her presence. It was odd for that to happen. Nell could only assume that the fury she felt was radiating clearly to the general populace as her eyes quickly scanned the bar. Arthur stood behind the bar with Grace and Harry, she didn't question his presence there as she moved toward the snug door.

"Nell?" Arthur called cautiously. He had never seen Nell look this murderous before and he had seen her furious on plenty of occasions.

She barely paid his call any heed as she pointed to the door, "He in there?"

Arthur barely nodded, knowing she was asking after Tommy, before she threw open the door and marched inside. He blinked a second later as John was shoved out the door. His younger brother cursing a wild streak as he tried to keep from falling. A small grin appeared across his lips at the sight as John stared for a bewildered second at the door. Luckily, the younger Shelby had enough sense of self-preservation to not attempt to go back inside. He turned to glare at the silent crowd as he snapped, "What the fuck are you all lookin' at?"

The general rumbling in the Garrison started back up again and John made his way over to Arthur. The older Shelby poured John-boy a healthy amount of whiskey, "Jus like old times, eh?"

"What the hell 'as her so pissed off, then?" John asked quietly, more than a little perplexed by Nell's sudden appearance.

"Fuck if I know." Arthur murmured, knowing that when it came to Tommy and Nell it could be just about anything. The sound of shattering glass cut through the noise of the bar and once again everyone fell silent as all eyes turned toward the snug. The muffled sound of raised voices filtered to the masses and Arthur quirked a brow as he whispered to John, "I got a tenner that says she threw somethin' at him."

John snorted, "No bet."

"What exactly is going on?" Grace asked curiously.

Arthur and John shared an amused glance before they both said, "Nell."

The abject confusion on Grace's face caused more than a bit of hilarity for the Shelby boys that is until the door to the snug flew open. A scowling Nell emerged as a slew of Romani curses fell from her lips that made both Arthur and John wince. Tommy was two steps behind her, a thundercloud of fury and with one look the bar cleared out.

Harry grabbed Grace's arm as he drew her into the back. The other two Shelby's looked on curiously from their perches at the bar.

"Helen." Tommy's voice could cut glass with its sharpness. It made his brothers stiffen with worry for their surrogate sister, "You step one foot in that -"

Nell whipped around her grey eyes blazing coldly as she demanded, "You'll what? Tell me, Tommy!"

"They will kill you, Helen and that's if you're lucky." Tommy responded as he met her head on. He knew – he knew that as much time as they had spent apart that the Lee's and the Roths would forever consider Nell his. She was by default a Shelby in the eyes of the gypsy community.

Nell scoffed, "If I was dealing with Erasmus I might consider that warning something of concern. Zilpha is far more logical than you."

"It's not your business!" Tommy shouted for what felt like the hundredth time, "We agreed you would stay out of this! We agreed, Nell!"

"That was when I thought you had things in control!" Nell shouted back before switching to Romani, _"Tell me, Thomas, how well are your plans going now? Freddy's not gone. Ada's in danger. Finn was nearly blown to pieces this morning! You control nothing!"_

Her voiced cracked slightly as she thought of how fucking close Finn had been to death. He may not be hers by blood, but Nell would be damned if Tommy took that boy from her. Arthur and John shifted uncomfortably at the show of emotion – feeling guilty by default as they realized the current argument was over the war with the Lee Family. They had played their own part in that mess.

Tommy took a shaky breath as he tried to control his anger, He took in the whirlwind of a woman before him. Her eyes blazed defiantly, coldly at him and for the first time in his life he felt Nell's hatred. He had made her angry and hurt on a number of occasions, but she had never hated him. Yet, behind her fury he could see her fear. It was agony and he suddenly was reminded of a mother bear protecting her cubs.

"Nell." He started quietly.

However, she mistook his guilt for pity as her anger spiked again. She jabbed at his chest, "You end this war, Thomas Shelby. You end it now or you will not like the measures I take to end it for you."

She yanked away from him and stormed out the door after that. Tommy cursed lowly and dove back into the snug to snag his cap before he moved to follow her.

John sipped at his whiskey as he asked, "Is it me or 'as Nell gotten scarier since we were kids?"

Arthur scoffed, "She was always scary. You just don't play with fire as much as you used to."

* * *

 **Small Heath, Past**

He was watching her.

Nell tried not to flinch as she felt the heaviness of Tommy's stare on her. It had become a familiar weight in the past few weeks. While many families in Birmingham rejoiced at having their men return – Nell had slipped into the shadows with dread. Yet, he found her. Tommy could always find her.

And he watched if ever spotted her on the streets.

He would watch as she entered the grocers to buy more food. He would watch as she sipped on a drink at the Garrison. He would watch as she spoke with Charlie or John. But he never approached.

It was torture in a way. She kept expecting him to be around the corner whenever she walked down a street now. She kept expecting him to speak to her. In truth, she was expecting him to demand answers. Why hadn't she been at the train station? Why didn't she stay in the old Donovan home or why didn't she move into the Shelby home after Sadie had passed?

She was sure by now that Polly had informed him of her disappearance from Birmingham. Part of Nell was surprised that Tommy hadn't shown up on her doorstep demanding her to go to the registry with him. Demanding her to make their marriage official once and for all. Yet... she also wasn't.

Four years was a long time to be apart. Four years and only one letter as communication. She hadn't even been brave enough to tell him about Charlotte. The thought of telling him now... well she couldn't think of telling him now. It would be too much. And she didn't need nor want to open a wound that was only just beginning to heal for her. Nor was she blind. It was easy to see that her cocky, full of life, gypsy husband was gone. He didn't smile anymore... at least not that she could see. His eyes held a heaviness that hadn't been there before and who was she to add to it? She was a coward for not telling him, she knew that, but perhaps the life of a coward was for the best.

It was best this way.

Even as she thought it, her eyes flickered up to meet his stare. Tommy was standing across the street with Arthur. The older Shelby muttering about something. Nell was sure that he didn't even notice his brother's distraction as he met her stare unflinchingly. She ached to go to him. She ached to touch him – to simply make sure that he was real.

He wasn't hers anymore.

She swallowed tightly at the thought. She had lost his child. She had failed as a mother and her new barren state meant she had failed as a wife. She had let any dream of him go in the hospital in London, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt to look at him now.

He wasn't hers anymore.

Nell tore her gaze away and pulled her jacket close as she continued down the street to her new home. She could feel Tommy's stare the entire time she walked.


	27. Chapter 27

A/N: Okay, this chapter is a little shorter than I would like, but I wanted to get an update to you guys. I'm working on my outlines for this story and it's taking a little longer than planned. The next chapter should (cross fingers) be longer and it might be a couple weeks before it's posted (sorry for the wait). I'm also focusing on my story Bear and Birdie and juggling both stories has been..interesting to say the least. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. **Special Thanks to: GuiliaZe, TWD, AD98, Miss Scarlet Darkness, Nirvana14, Anastasia Dreams, Ctrlaltdiee, and 1a2bcd3f for reviewing.**

A/N: I own what is mine

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Seven**

 **Present**

She couldn't remember how she got home.

Nell managed to contain a scream of rage as she march up the steps to her front door. The panicky-fluttering feeling that Finn's recounting of the bomb had evoked, had frozen her veins and had made her want to hide the small boy from the world. From Thomas. Yet, with every step she had taken toward the Garrison with every word she had flung at Tommy, her panic had turned into outright fury. She was still seeing red as she tried to get her emotions under control.

It was too much.

 _Bomb._

Flashes of another bomb in another time flash before her eyes. Harriot's screams echoed so loudly in her head, Nell was sure that she was still in that Godawful ambulance. Except slowly those screams morphed into that of a child's, and for a horrifying moment it was Finn that Nell saw. His bright blue eyes lifeless as he stared up at her blankly.

She couldn't breathe... she couldn't...

"NELL!"

"Tommy?" Nell whispered confused. She blinked and suddenly she was back in the foyer of her home. Tommy was before her, his hands clutching desperately at her shoulders and she realized she was crying. Sobbing really as her shaky hands reached out to clutch at his shirt, a desperate attempt to make sure he was real.

"I'm here, Nell. You're alright. It'll all be alright." Tommy said lowly, soothingly and she had to wonder how long he had been saying those words? How long he had been trying to reach her?

Her cheeks burned with embarrassment even as her heart thudded in her ears. It had been a long time since she had been overwhelmed by an attack. She thought she had gotten better that she only had to contend with the nightmares. She pulled her hands away from Tommy to cover her face. She needed to gain control, she needed him not to see her like this, but it took a few minutes for her to stop crying, even as the fear stayed with her.

Tommy bent his head trying to catch her gaze, "Where did you go, luv? What 'appened?"

Nell shook her head as she wiped angrily at her eyes, "You can't let anything 'appen to Finn, Tommy. I don't think I'll ever forgive you if something 'appens to that boy. He may be a pain in the arse sometimes, but he's a good boy."

"Nothing is gonna 'appened to Finn, Nell. I promise." Tommy said it so firmly, she almost believed him... almost. He seemed to sense her doubt as he sighed tiredly, "I'll send a message to Johnny Dogs. Have him set up a meeting with Zilpha. You won't have to worry, eh?"

The baleful stare that Nell sent him was a far cry from the hateful glare he had received at the Garrison and much preferred to the blank terror he had encountered as he walked into her home, "Don't have to worry? That'll be the day."

It was only then that Nell realized she was sitting. Her back was pressed against the wall and she could guess she had simply crumbled under the weight of bad memories. Tommy helped her to her feet as she wiped away at last stray tears, "Upstairs. I'll bring you some tea."

"Tommy." Nell sighed, wanting more than anything to be alone.

"I knew it! I knew you'd fight."

Both Nell and Tommy started at the sudden sound of Finn's voice. Nell blanched as she noticed her door was wide open, allowing a certain eleven-year-old to take full advantage of its access, "Finn, what are you doin' 'ere? I left you at home with Polly."

As she said the older woman's name she noticed a familiar shape coming up the walkway. Polly looked worn and more than a little exasperated as she came up behind Finn, "He wouldn't settle until he could back and check on you."

Nell sighed as her gaze flickered back to the sulking Finn. He eyed Tommy almost reproachfully and she could imagine the mess she must look for Finn to be giving his big brother that look, "You promised you wouldn't fight, Nellie."

He said so quietly that all three adults had to strain to hear him. Nell could feel Tommy stiffen beside her as she caught Polly's startled gaze. Nell knew the feeling, they hadn't heard her old nickname in almost as long as she had, "I made no such promise, Finn. I promised I wouldn't murder Tommy unless I had reason and I had plenty of reason."

Polly bit back a smile at Nell's words, even as she took in the other woman's tear streaked face with concern. Tommy gave nothing away as he raised a brow, "Damn near did kill me when you threw that bar mug at me."

"It got your attention, didn't it?" Nell muttered waspishly as she paid more attention to Finn than Tommy. His gaze bounced between Tommy and herself – indecision plain on his face, She held out her hand, "Come 'ere, luv."

Finn responded almost immediately as he launched forward. His big eyes staring up at her in question. She tapped his nose, "Now does Tommy still look alive to you?"

Finn grinned faintly as he turned his gaze on his brother. His sharp eyes missed nothing as he whispered, "A little."

"A little?" Tommy scoffed as he pushed the bill of Finn's cap down, "Need to get you spectacles, lad?"

The soft giggle that met the adults ears, soothed everyone's nerves as Finn fixed his hat, "You look more tired than dead."

Tommy sighed wearily as he agreed with his too observant baby brother, "I am at that."

"Can I stay 'ere tonight?" Finn asked as he stared pleadingly up at the two.

Polly and Tommy protested almost immediately with a resounding, "No."

Nell hadn't been the only one scared by the morning events. Polly had been keeping careful track of her youngest nephew and now wanted him close at home. Tommy needed him to be surrounded by family at the house where safety measures had been put into place. If he could, he would have had Nell move into the Shelby home for a few days... but even he knew what kind of battle such a suggestion would evoke.

Nell smiled gently as Finn's sulk turned into a pout and nudged him back toward the door, "You can spend tomorrow with me, luv. I only 'ave a few errands to run."

"But, but..." He looked worriedly between her and Tommy. Nell could see his little mind whirling with a scheme to stay. She kept her face blank as she turned to eye the elder Shelby, as well.

"Tommy will make sure you two get 'ome alright." Nell murmured with a faint thrill of victory. It was a perfect solution to ally Finn's worry over another fight and allow her the solitude to breakdown in private.

"Polly can manage." Tommy said firmly as he sent her a pointed stare. He never appreciated being volunteered for anything, he appreciated it even less when Nell was doing the volunteering. It never ended well for him.

Strangely, the older woman hadn't spoken much as she quietly beckoned Finn toward her. Truthfully, she could cut the tension in the foyer with a bloody knife and she wasn't about to make it worse, "Come on, Finn. Nell will be fine and you need to go to bed."

Finn reluctantly followed his aunt with one last glance back toward Nell, "They're gonna fight again, aren't they?"

"Mind your own, Finn..." Polly muttered impatiently, before lowly speaking, "The only time they talk now is when they fight anyway."

Tommy rolled his eyes while Nell shook her head. It was amazing that the Shelby family hadn't driven her into an asylum or that she hadn't murder every single one of them. She turned a baleful stare on her ex, "Walk your aunt and brother home. Some part of you remembers 'ow to be a gentleman, right?"

"The house isn't far, they'll be fine." Tommy reiterated as he moved toward the kitchen, "Upstairs, Nell."

She stood at the foot of her stairs and fumed. She had never done well with orders and the string she had woven together to keep in control in front of Finn was slowly unraveling. She wanted Tommy gone. She wanted to be by herself. She needed to fall apart and lick her wounds in private and he wasn't allowing her that – It was her fucking house for Christ's sake!

As if sensing his mistress's ire, Specter sauntered down the stairs to stare at her curiously. She pouted at the cat and reached out to stroke his soft fur as she tried to let go of her stress. Nell must have been standing there longer than she anticipated as she suddenly found herself under Tommy's icy gaze again, "I told you to go upstairs."

"Last I checked this was my 'ome and I can do as I please in it." Nell murmured wearily as she returned his stare, "Why are you 'ere? I'm pretty sure everything that needed to be said has been already."

Tommy said nothing as he handed her a mug of tea. She hadn't noticed him holding it until that moment. The gesture was unnecessary, however, as she waited impatiently for him to answer her. In true Tommy fashion he didn't as he scooped up her cat and pushed her up the stairs. She felt a small thrill of satisfaction when she heard him curse behind her and knew that Specter had bitten him. Her old tabby cat was rather particular about being touched. Most days he only seemed to tolerate Finn.

Not a moment later she felt the feline's chubby body brush passed her as he ran into her room. She smirked after the old cat and sipped at her tea as she followed.

"You were angry with me."

Nell raised a brow as she took in Tommy's quiet tone, "Were? Still am."

"No... In the Garrison." Tommy said softly as if he were treading on dangerous ground. She turned to look at him as he leaned in the doorway of her bedroom. His expression a blank and unreadable as ever, but she didn't miss the waiver of uncertainty in his eyes.

Nell frowned, "Did I actually manage to hit you with that mug? O'course I was angry."

Tommy shifted uneasily as he tried to find the words without actually having to voice his thoughts, "You've never looked at me like that before."

The disbelief was apparent on Nell's face as she turned fully toward him. She said nothing, knowing she didn't need to.

"You looked at me like I was a stranger... an enemy. You've never - " He sighed and looked away from her almost churlishly as he fidgeted, "You never told me where your mind went. I've never seen you panicked like that before."

"Tommy, I don't want you to be my enemy... I don't think I could ever truly hate you enough for it, but don't prove me wrong." Nell said after a moment. Her gaze seemed to bore into him with the weight of her unspoken threat, "As for my... It happens sometimes – not much recently. Visions of the past haunt us all differently."

"Hmm..." Tommy nodded almost in agreement a bitter smile sweeping across his mouth for a moment, "That is true. And that's why I'm curious about what visions haunt you. It wasn't about Charlotte – you weren't seeing her and I don't think you were seeing Sadie."

"Tommy..."

He paid the warning little heed, "You see, Nell, the only people I know that breakdown like that are men. Men who I've fought with. Men who 've listened to more bomb blasts and gunfire than any sane person should. Men who were covered in muck and grime praying for the chance to go 'ome. So I would like to know why the fucking hell you 'ave those same attacks?.. What the fuck were you doing in France?"

Nell's stomach sunk, Tommy always was too smart for his own good.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: I know it's been a long time since I've updated. My computer died on me last month and it's taken awhile to recover my notes and files. BUT, I am happy to get this update out to you. I'm going to spend some time tonight answering reviewers - I appreciate all the support. I hope you guys read review and enjoy. **Special Thanks to: TWD, aliceinanightmareland13, Ohmicrofilm, Miss Scarlet Darkness, GiuliaZe, My 7 Guests, Nirvana14, F4nn1, SIlverGhostKitsune, badwolffor3ver, and Persa for reviewing.** Thanks again you guys!

Disclaimer; I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Eight**

 **Present**

"I was expectin' ya two days from now."

There was no denying the reproof in those words as Nell stared at a tumbler of whiskey. The amber liquid had settled quickly and the glass was now beginning to sweat. She didn't need to look up to know there was a heavy blue gaze boring disapprovingly into the top of her head or that she would find a familiar scowl maring a usually friendly face. She already knew the words of the lecture she would receive without ever hearing it – so she ignored him. Her mind hundreds of miles away in her hometown with another disapproving man.

She should move to London. Nell decided quietly, a move would have been smart years ago. She could have avoided all the heartache and memories that Small Heath plagued her with... that all the Shelby family doused on her.

"Nell, are you even listening to me?"

A thread of true anger entered his tone that made Nell glance up wearily and pay attention as smiled apologetically at Alfie, "No... I'm sorry, Alfie. You were lecturing me?"

Alfie heaved an aggrieved sigh as if he wanted to do nothing more than strangle her, "Almost two months ago I get this bloke on my doorstep that says he knows you – that you're callin' in a favor -"

"That I would owe you a favor."

Alfie waved off her correction, "Same thing wit us. Anyways, I house 'im, protect 'im. Meanwhile I get this niggle. It's a little niggle mind you, but you know it's just fuckin' annoying. And this niggle it's telling me, I know this bloke, but I just can't figure out how. And you know the funniest thing 'appened?"

Nell sat back in her seat as she pasted on an indulgent expression. She had a fair idea of where Alfie was heading with his little story, but from past experience knew better than to interrupt, "What's that Alfie?"

His eyes narrowed at her, "I figured out who Michael Fucking Bennet is!"

Nell blinked slowly as she kept her expression bland. The real surprise for her was that Alfie had only just figured out who Michael Bennet was or in her case is – he had hinted for years, but had never said anything bluntly, "Alfie, have you been dippin' into your stores again? You need to slow down on that white rum, luv."

"Nell, don't treat me like I'm a fuckin' idiot. I'm not." Alfie growled as he slouched back in his chair with a huff.

It took Nell a moment to realize that the Jewish gangster was more hurt by her reticence than angry. She sighed softly and finally took a sip from her tumbler before she replied, "I know you're not. So how'd you finally get your proof, eh? You've been waiting for me to slip up for years."

"Your boy Seymour apparently wasn't aware of your nom de plume, now was he? Slipped up when he caught sight of some of my papers." Alfie explained almost triumphantly with a wave of his hand. Nell nearly rolled her eyes though she groaned internally – there was much she had forgotten to mention to James.

"Hmm..." Nell hummed noncomittally as she took another sip of her drink. She would need to find James soon. She hadn't asked Alfie where her moralistic doctor had been secreted away for fear of hearing he was lying in a ditch somewhere in London. Yet, the dark spark that entered Alfie's eyes as he mentioned James was enough to let her know that the gangster had found her friend to be – if anything – mildly entertaining. She wouldn't be surprised to find that he treated her colleague in much the same way he treated Oliver.

Alfie grumbled lowly as he continued to glare at her, "You know you're taking all the fun out of this for me, luv. I thought I'd get to rile you all up when you finally showed. We'd yell, we'd drink, we'd fuck...Instead, you show up on my bloody doorstep and you're more depressing than you were in the fucking hospital we met at."

Nell sent him a mildy reapproachful look as she stated dryly, "I'm sorry that I'm not reactin' the way you want, Alfie. I'm just tired."

"Oh come now, luv." Alfie murmured as he came to lean on the desk before her. He nudged her foot with his own as he settled. A small forced smile pushed to his lips that made Nell's mouth twitch with humor, "Tell Ole' Alfie what's wrong."

"Jus ghosts... Jus a few old ghosts is all." Nell murmured with a vague smile as she watched the humor leave Alfie's face. A darkness – sadness really, descended over his expression in understanding. She couldn't bear to look at him in that moment; she didn't need understanding.

 _Her heart clenched in horror as a new fear twisted through her veins at Tommy's cold glare, "That's a hell of a fuckin' leap isn't it? I have a little panic and you assume I was in another bloody country."_

 _Tommy growled lowly at Nell's weary patronizing. He wasn't one to be put off easily and Nell knew it. She also knew she could never out right lie to him and what was worse... Tommy knew it too, "You disappeared, Nell. No one fuckin' knew where you went. And you come back and you're different. You're quiet and you know more medicine than the Doctor. Tell me, I'm wrong. Tell me, you weren't in France. That you weren't steps away from Hell, Nell. Fucking tell me!"_

 _"Tommy..."_

 _"Tell me!"_

 _Nell closed her eyes, only a little surprised when she felt the sting of unshed tears. She was shaky – unbalanced and Tommy... he was pushing when she was too tired to fight back, "I can't."_

 _Her voice was no more than a whisper, but it may as well have been as loud as a gun blast with the way that Tommy slumped almost defeatedly. He had wanted to be wrong almost as much as she had wanted to lie to him. She had never wanted him to know about those years he was gone. She hadn't wanted him to know. Not because she feared his wrath... No, she never feared his anger. She feared his guilt – his pain._

 _Tommy was right she had changed and so had he, but the things that made him, Tommy and that made her, Nell were still very much there. She knew that he would find a way to blame her disappearance, her path to France, to the bomb blast that had ruined her childbearing abilities on himself._

 _He should have been with her._

 _He should have protected her._

 _She could hear his thoughts now. As if it hadn't been her bloody choice. She could see the first wave of that pain now and the burning curiosity behind it. He had questions and her answers would only make his self-flagellation worse. Before Tommy had a chance to open his mouth she whispered, "Please leave... please Tommy. I'm tired. I'm so tired, luv."_

 _Tommy stared at her, the wheels in his head turning slowly and painfully. She could see the second that he decided to grant her plea for mercy. Could see that his armor had been bruised just as hers had been battered. She didn't expect his parting question, however, as he lingered in her doorway, "You were looking for me, weren't you?"_

 _Yes._

 _Her thoughts echoed unbidden as she simply stared at him. She wouldn't answer that query. She didn't have to, Tommy could see the answer as plain as day in her eyes, "I'll be back tomorrow evening."_

 _Nell swallowed tightly and nodded. Already she planned to not be home_.

God, she was a coward. Nell frowned churlishly as she finished off her drink under Alfie's watchful gaze. The Jewish gangster let her stew for a few more minutes before he took her glass away, "I think it's a bit more than ghosts this time, luv."

"Maybe." Nell shrugged in a manner which told Alfie she wouldn't be continuing that conversation. He wasn't surprised when she lifted a querulous brow at him and asked, "Where 'ave you hidden James away then?"

"Your doctor is a pain in the arse, Nell." Alfie started semi-seriously. He had just about killed the young doctor when he had appeared on his doorstep, but Nell's name on Seymour's lips had made Alfie pause. It had taken almost two days to get any discernible details out of the doctor, beyond the fact that he needed a hideaway. He never said from who and Alfie could only provide so much protection to someone who refused to be trapped inside. As frustrating as James Seymour had been in Alfie's humble opinion, the gangster had made it a point to visit the doctor at least once a day just to unnerve the man. Paranoid little fuck that one. But he had a backbone... He had been mildly impressed at some of the insults that doctor had dared to fling at him... not to say that he hadn't been provoked.

Nell seemed to pause as she studied him cautiously, "He isn't dead, is he?"

"Nah, luv. He's just pricklier than a porcupine and damned impossible to keep in one place. He damn near got one of my boys shot on one of his ventures into town. Which by the way I want more fucking details about. The bare minimum of what's fucking going on ain't gonna cut it anymore, darling." He grumbled before surrendering almost grudgingly, "He's anxious to see you, though."

Nell smiled at his pout, "Not jealous are you, now?"

"Of you." Alfie grinned wickedly, "Always darling, always."

The depressing air around Nell seemed to lift a little and Alfie's smile softened slightly. He wanted more information from the every complicated woman before him, but in the few years that he had known Nell – he found that it was far better to observe her for information than to ask. She used words like stones of a castle, to protect herself and keep everyone else at bay. He would have to chose his moments with her.

"How long are you gonna stay in London?" Alfie asked softly as his mind whirled with plans.

Nell frowned with a small shrug, "Not long. Just a few days."

Alfie nodded, "Your usual place or are you gonna stay with your doctor?"

"With James. Makes things easier." Nell murmured lightly as she sent him a curious look – luckily for her, Alfie didn't question what exactly would be made easier or he might not have let her leave.

* * *

 **Past**

Something was wrong.

Nell blinked bleary as she tried to focus on her surroundings. Her bladder was tight with pressure and she knew that baby's weight would ensure she had another sleepless night. She struggled to her feet as she headed for the chamber pot in the corner of the room. Three weeks she had resided in the Shelby home and it always took her a few minutes to gain her bearings when she woke. Nell steadied herself against the leg of Tommy's old bed before she waddled gingerly. She wouldn't missed this, she decided tiredly. Once the baby was born, she would appreciate not having to get up four times in a night to pee. She quietly prayed that her child would be a quiet one – a rare baby to sleep through the night.

Even as the prayer cross through her mind she snorted quietly. She was giving birth to a Shelby – quiet would be a bloody miracle. She yawned tiredly as she went about her business, distantly trying to work out what had woken her. It hadn't been nature's call. Nell frowned, an air that something quiet wasn't right still followed her. Something had changed.

Quiet snores reached her ears and she smiled softly as she realized that Finn had found his way into her room. She glanced curiously at the floor and found his small form curled up at the end of her bed. His body tucked half under it as he slept. He had stopped trying to climb into her bed when he realized that his actions would only wake her and send him back to his room. She shook her head fondly as she eased herself up again and found the spare afghan that Polly insisted she keep on her bed. It was too bloody hot for an extra blanket in Nell's opinion. She guided the soft fabric onto Finn and then quietly left the room. Her mind was buzzing now with uncertainty as she gingerly meandered down the stairs to the family room.

Something was wrong.

A rustle of movement and harsh whisper's caught her attention as she drifted closer to the kitchen. Nell frowned curiously as she heard a small sob. She knew that Polly hadn't been sleeping well. Letters had arrived from France informing the Shelby matriarch of John being wounded. He was due to return home for recovery for a little while, Martha was busy preparing to meet him at the hospital in London. The younger girl had broken down in tears at the letter, but Polly... Polly saved her fear and worries for the night when no one could witness her sorrow.

Yet, as Nell neared the kitchen it wasn't just Polly's voice she heard. Her frown deepened, "Mum?"

The whispers stopped abruptly as she pushed open the door. Polly stood only a few paces away from the back door. Her dressing gown wrapped tight and her usually done up hair was in a disarrayed mess. Her mother was leaning on the door for support. Her face pale which only looked more harsh by the dark circles that ringed her eyes. Nell bit back a gasp at the sight at how sickly her mother looked. She missed the almost manic look in her grey eyes, far too distracted by the sudden deterioration Sadie seemed to have undergone. She hadn't looked this bad a few days ago.

"Mum, what's 'appened? Are you alright?" Nell started quietly as she moved toward her mother, unconsciously cursing the questions as she uttered them. It was obvious Sadie wasn't alright.

"Nell, you should be restin'." Polly interrupted as she tried to keep some distance between mother and daughter.

"I'm fine." Nell dismissed, not moving her gaze from her unusually silent mother.

Sadie watched her daughter with an intensity that was unnerving, but Nell saw none of it. She simply saw her ill mother. She missed the spark of regret as Sadie pushed away from the door and whispered raggedly, "I shouldn't 'ave come... you were right."

"Mum, wait." Nell called as she hurried to grab her mother's arm before she had a chance to leave. The older woman tensed at the contact. No longer was she making eye contact with Nell as she tried to gently shake off her daughter's grip. Nell frowned, "Mum, you don't look well. Come inside and rest for a moment... plus it's late...jus - jus stay."

"Nell, you shouldn't be near me right now, luv." Sadie said wearily as she managed to wrest free. She pointed a stern finger toward her daughter, "You should be in bed."

"Jus come inside!" Nell cried, not understanding why her mother had appeared in the dead of night. She had caved to Polly's decree she move into the Shelby home after the doctor had warned her mother may be contagious... volatile was also a word he had thrown around.

"Nell." Polly softly rebuked as she moved to stand between the two women. Nell had never seen her look so wary or tired.

She didn't understand. A flash of anger rushed through her veins as she glared at the older women, "Polly, she's not well. She should be sitting."

Nell wasn't sure what happened in the next few minutes. She never quite regain her memory of it... but she remembered her mother's grey eyes. Eyes that were so much like hers. Eyes that were wild with fear and frustration as Polly's cold fingers gripped her forearm to keep from her mother. Polly had tried to be a barrier...a protective wall for Nell. She should have been protecting herself.

Whether it was instinct from having been mother and daughter for so long – the only two that could depend on each other, or if it was the sickness or maybe a bit of both Polly would never know, but her attempts at keeping Nell a safe distance away had only incited an abrupt rage in Sadie Donovan. Polly would never forget the manic look in her eyes either or the absolute horror in those grey orbs when she realized that her efforts to get to her child had only harmed her.

Nell cried out as she slammed into the corner of the stove. The sudden impact made her dizzy and she couldn't breathe. It was a moment of peace before her stomach seized with the most ungodly pain she had ever experienced. She didn't notice the blood that slowly began to drop to the ground or that the commotion had brought down Ada and Finn. She barely registered her mother's faint cry of fear before Polly started yelling and all hell broke loose.

She never realized she was screaming.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N: So I'm not dead. I have not abandoned this story. I was offered a new job and I took it, but the job required me to move a few states over. So between packing, apartment hunting, unpacking (still not done with that btw) starting a new job and also helping my parents pack and move to another state - I have had no time to write in the past few months. Things have been crazy to the extreme. So I am sorry that you guys have had to wait so long. Here is the next chapter. Updating may be sporadic for a little while as I continue to get settled. Thank you guys for reading. Special thanks to **Ohmicrofilm, TWD, SilverGhostKitsune, aliceinanightmareland13, badwolffor3ver, 20 Guests, Nirvana14, ShipsThatFly, gossamermouse101, Daisy, Dani, Lily, User243, Eva, Petra, Sad Person (Don't be sad), & mymymetrocard **for reviewing. I really appreciated hearing from all of you! I will be responding to the reviews that signed in tonight. Seriously, sorry again for the long wait.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Nine**

 **Present, London**

"So, who he was he?"

Nell blinked tiredly as she looked confusedly at the Jewish gangster sitting across from her. He had kicked his feet up on to his desk, his fingers idly played with a glass of rum he had long since drunk. He wasn't looking at her, but Nell still had the sense that he was watching her, "Who was who?"

Alfie frowned almost churlishly, "Michael Bennett. Who was he?"

A mild pang throbbed through Nell at that name. She had more regret than she cared to admit when it came to Michael Bennett, "He was my sweetheart when I was younger. A good man."

"A good man? An you're using his name to cover your forgeries? Not very nice, luv, if I 'ad to say." Alfie muttered disbelievingly as he eyed her curiously.

"I don't think he'll mind." Nell whispered as she finished off her glass of rum that had been stewing for far too long on Alfie's desk, "He died during the war. Died far too soon."

Alfie was glad she hadn't been looking at him when she uttered those words. A wave of pity and sympathy suddenly took over the gangster before he had a chance to shrug it off. He knew better than anyone that Nell had no use for such emotion. Instead he chose to chase after his curiosity, "The one that got away, eh."

It was a statement more than a question, one that nearly made Nell snort. Michael Bennett was not the one who got away. He was the optimistic boy who hadn't been enough for her and now she wished that he had been or more to the point that she could have been what he had wanted, maybe even needed, "I broke things off with 'im long before the war. He was too good for me. Ended up with a Peaky Blinder instead."

That had Alfie raising a brow, "Peaky Blinder? Isn't that one of those gypsy chaps that like to play at the big leagues?"

"Far too many people underestimate them. Don't make that mistake, Alfie." There was too much weariness in Nell's tone for Alfie's liking. He frowned thoughtfully, silently knowing that if Nell could hear the thoughts in his head, he would never see her again.

"There's been whispers about them, you know?"

Nell raised a brow as she twisted to stare pointedly at the gangster. He could have simply been making an observation, but Alfie never just made an observation. There was a point to everything he said and did. Tommy was much the same and had long taught Nell to pay attention to everything... not just what she said, but what was being said to her, "Alfie..."

Said gangster couldn't help the small smile that twitched at the corner of his lips at her annoyed tone. Pushing Nell's buttons would always be a favorite pastime of his, but there was a fine line between annoying her and pissing her off. He didn't care to make her angry...it was just bloody terrifying, "You wanna see your doctor then?"

Nell smiled demurely as unexpected amusement bubbled up in her throat. She knew when she was being placated and Alfie could be just terrible at subtlety, "I believe that's why I've been sittin' here for the past few hours."

Alfie gave an affronted scoff, "And I thought it was to enjoy my precious company, that 'urts, darling."

"Alfie..."

"Alright, alright." Alfie sighed aggrieved as he pushed himself from his seat. He quickly dawned his hat and coat and reached around Nell to grab her things. Ever the gentleman he held open her coat for her as he nodded toward the door, "We'll have to go to him."

"And here I thought, you only left your lil' bakery for me." Nell murmured drolly as she tried to bit back a smile at Alfie's sniff of disdain in response.

He offered his arm at the same time he snatched up his cane, "As I said, your boy is a bit of a pain in the royal arse, Nell. Easier to go to him than listen to his caterwauling if I try to 'ave one of my boys drag him in."

She couldn't help the small chuckle that spilled from her lips, "I would love to see someone try and drag James anywhere."

James Seymour was many things. A gentle soul, a ruthless negotiator, a brilliant surgeon, a soldier of the helpless, but by no means was he a pushover. He was wary of new people, slight and wry, but surprisingly strong. He could put up a real fight if he needed to. People had a tendency of underestimating the good doctor. Nell had to wonder if Alfie had made that mistake.

It didn't take long for Nell to grow lost in the complicated maze of London's streets. Which was something of a feat as she had memorized a good many of the back alleys and turnabouts in England's capital city. She blamed the amount of rum that Alfie had given her. Yet, she knew that new conduits seem to appear with every trip she made away from the foggy town, it grew harder to keep up with the changes with every passing year. Alfie guided her with an ease that she envied...but...but she conceded silently that Alfie would have the same trouble if he ever made regular trips to Birmingham. To her knowledge, he had only ever been to her slice of land once and only in passing. He had no truck with the North.

A car honked passed as they rushed across a busy street. Nell blinked as Alfie pulled her down another winding alley before they exited onto a rather quiet road that looked no different from any other London street. The houses that lined the block stood like massive, silent sentries. Every one looked identical to the one next to it and if it weren't for the numbers painted on the doors, Nell wasn't sure how any person would be able to know which home was their own. There was something to be said about hiding in plain sight or at least hiding with conformity. No one ever bothered to pay attention to things that were inside the status quo, it was always the outliers that gained attention.

To Nell's surprise Alfie didn't bother surveying his surroundings as he silently counted doors. He tugged on her arm again and scampered up a stoop to loudly pound on a door. She rolled her eyes, "Subtlety is not your strong suit."

Alfie shrugged, "Don't need to be subtle 'ere. We passed two of my boys in the alley and another four are taking passes around the block. If someone was paying us any attention we wouldn't be 'ere right now."

Nell frowned as she tried to recall seeing any of Alfie's men. Despite what the Jewish gangster thought, his men had a distinct look. Much like the Peaky Blinders, Solomon's Bakers could be picked out of a crowd by those who knew what to look for. Yet all Nell had seen were..."You're using children to spy for you?"

Alfie blinked owlishly at her before nodding toward the door, "He's ignoring us."

Nell's eyes narrowed unhappily as Alfie ignored her question, "Alfie-"

"Oi! Doctor open the bloody door!" Alfie yelled as he pounded once more on the blue storm door of the stacked house. Sufficiently, cutting Nell off and avoiding her probing questions all at once.

"PISS OFF!" Nell blinked at the shouted curse that was muffled by the door. "I've barely gone a day without hearing your voice and it's become like a needle in my ear."

While the voice were still muffled James's words were undeniably clear as he approached the door. Nell turned to stare up at Alfie, only to find a ferocious grin painting his lips. It reminder her all too much of Arthur, Tommy and John when they were all children. The taunting that used to lead to brawls which usually lead to either Polly, Sadie or Louisa dragging someone away by the ear before something or someone was broken. They may be grown now, but boys will always be boys.

"Oh, come now, Doctor. That's no way to talk to someone who's only looking out for your health." Alfie chimed loudly, "Bit ironic that, considerin' the fact that lookin' after people's health is usually your job."

Nell rolled her eyes again just as the door swung open. Whatever retort that was poised on James's tongue seemed to die as he caught sight of her. His green eyes widen in surprise as his scowl magically transformed into a relieved smile, "Oh thank Christ you're here. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this ferret's wiling."

"Oi!" Alfie snapped affronted while Nell mouthed wiling to herself. It really wasn't a bad description of the Jewish gangster, "You came to me!"

"If I had known just how annoying you would be. I would have reconsidered." James bit out coldly. While he was still leery of the man before him, James found that he grudgingly respected Alfie. Very grudgingly.

"Now that hurts..." His gaze rolled beseechingly over to Nell, "Why are you and your friends trying' to wound me today, luv?"

Nell shook her head as she recalled Alfie saying similar words to her earlier. The gleam of muted amusement in his eyes told her everything she needed to know, "I can only wonder, Alfie."

She slipped passed the taunting gangster and the growling doctor into the sitting room of the safehouse. She missed the huff that James expelled as muttered a few choice words under his breath and followed after her. Alfie lingered on the threshold for a moment as he gathered his bearings. Answers...he was long due for some answers from his Miss. Nell and her cohort doctor.

xXx

 **Small Heath**

He was quiet.

It wasn't an unusual occurrence, to be sure. John-Boy had long grown used to his brother's long silences. His gaze briefly flitted over Tommy as he quickly made certain that his brother was harmed or sick in any way. He had to be quick about it. Tommy didn't care to have people worry over him. John was sure the only people that could get away with it would be Polly and Nell, but even they still felt the sharp lashes of his older brother's tongue.

He hadn't always been this way, John reflected. He remembered the loud laughs and coarse jokes that used to spill from Tommy's lips to get his siblings to smile. There were times when John had thought that Tommy and Arthur were competing to see who could be loudest. Arthur was still loud, but not in the same familiar way and Tommy was quiet now. Quiet as if he were waiting for something, listening for any strange noise or stray word. Quiet because he still felt like he had one foot in the tunnels and the other on a mine.

John couldn't stand the quiet. It was why he let his kids run wild. Screaming and hollering at nothing. Frustratingly, he couldn't stand the noise either. Too often he could feel his heart in his throat and his body poised to run or fight. It was why he drank and fucked...anything to soothe the trembling that would come from nowhere. He knew that Tommy had his pipe, that he chased the dragon to push the quiet away. He wondered if it was enough, because looking at his brother now...he didn't understand this silence. The quiet that Tommy shrouded himself in was almost angry...petulant maybe. He felt like that was what Nell would call it. Yet, Nell was also the cause of this strange silence.

A tentative knock on the snug door broke John from his musings. He glanced again at Tommy to see him yank the door open. His brother had little patience today. One of their runners practically fell into the snug. A nervous look seemed to make him twitch and John wasn't sure if he wanted to smack the boy or grab his shoulder in comfort. Instead he rolled his eyes and puffed on his cigarette as he grunted, "Fucking wot?"

The kid shifted and glanced at a waiting Tommy, "Miss. Donovan left on the mornin' train."

Tommy frowned churlishly, "Where?"

"London, Mr. Shelby." The boy whispered, edging ever slightly toward the door. Even he seemed to sense Tommy's foul mood in the brief few minutes he had been present. However, even John had to still at the dark expression that passed over his brother's face. He wondered what in the hell had happened between Nell and Tommy. What had Nell done?

Tommy stubbed out the cigarette he had been smoking and licked his lip before issuing his orders to the boy, "Find Lenny. 'Ave him come to me as fast as 'is feet can carry."

He flipped a coin over to the boy and didn't pay any attention as the door to the snug clicked shut. John- Boy sighed quietly to himself as he finally forced himself to ask, "Tommy, what's goin' on? Is Nell alright?"

"Nell's fine." Tommy murmured as he reached over to pour more whiskey into his glass.

John quirked a brow, "You sure about that? Cuz you're actin' like she's jus stolen off with all our stuff and you're plannin' on stringing her up by 'er toes."

"I would never 'urt Nell. You know that." Tommy blinked and glared dimly at his younger brother.

John shrugged, "Then why are you actin' like you're on a fuckin' war path?"

Tommy shifted back in his seat and sipped at his drink. His mind was spinning in a hundred different directions and at the center of it all was Nell. She had been in fucking France. The thought made Tommy want to scream. He didn't need this right now, "She told you about the baby. What else did Nell tell you?"

John blinked a moment before he felt a cold weight settle in stomach. He thought that this had all been hashed out between the two of them, "Nell never told me about the baby. Martha wrote to me when Nell was four or five months along."

Tommy downed the rest of his drink and frowned bitterly.

"I would 'ave told you, Tommy, if I 'ad known Nell wasn't gonna write to you. Martha...she told me that she and Polly 'ad been takin' care of her. That there was strange business with Sadie and that we would receive letters soon. Next one I got from her...Nell 'ad lost the baby." John winced as he saw his brother visibly flinch.

He had urged Nell to tell Tommy about the baby, much like Polly and Martha had done, but in in truth he had thought she had been in the right not to tell him. Telling Tommy that he had lost a child would have been no bother if it had been some whore or passing fancy that had carried his seed. Such news would have been a relief...in those circumstances anyway. It hadn't been a whore though, it had been Nell. Nell, who Tommy had loved since they could walk. Telling Tommy that Nell had lost their baby would have just been pouring salt into an already weeping wound. Staring at Tommy now, John knew that Nell should have taken that secret with her to the grave. He silently cursed his aunt for opening her mouth. It hadn't been Polly's secret to tell.

"She was in France."

The words were barely a whisper, but Tommy could have shouted for all it mattered. John's mouth gobbed open for a second before, "No fuckin' shit!...What!?"

Tommy snorted in dark amusement in the face of his brother's shock. At least that answer his unasked question. John had been in the dark just as much as he had.

* * *

 **Past**

 **Battlefield, France**

"We're loaded. Go, Nell!"

Nell glanced back into the bed of the ambulance to ascertain for herself that nurse and soldier were indeed, loaded in properly. The soldier was a mess of dirt and blood. She didn't bother to try and discern any of his features before she nodded to Harriot. Her foot hit the gas pedal and she did all she could to avoid the men in her path.

There were two other ambulances ahead of her. They had been lucky. A brief lull in the fighting had allowed them to swoop in to collect the wounded. From the little she had seen though, she wondered if it was even worth it. She hated this place. She hated the mud and the blood, and the hopeless gazes she received. She hated it all... but somehow it was better than going home. It was better than facing an empty house and the two fresh graves that held the last of her family. She could only hope that she would die here. It would be easier.

Nell shook the gruesome thought from her head as she pressed down harder on the accelerator, shifting gears as smoothly as the dirt roads would allow... it was better than driving on cobblestone, she told herself silently.

"Nell? Are we clear?" Harriot called from the back as she did what little she could for the man in her care.

Nell eyed the edges of the encampment before she replied back, "Almost. Another few minutes and we'll be clear."

"Nell?" A choked voice groaned. Nell blinked at hearing her name from their patient. Usually, the soldiers were too lost in pain to bother with what occurred in the ambulance, "I know a Nell... Tommy's girl."

So slurred were the words that Nell was half sure that she had heard him wrong. Even still, her throat began to constrict with a sudden tightness as panic began to swell in her stomach. Carefully, she glanced into the back again, this time trying to make out the man's face...he just didn't seem familiar.

Harriot looked towards her curiously, "You know 'im, Nell?"

Nell swallowed tightly against the lump in her throat as she whispered, "What's 'is name?"

There was a brief moment of silence as she heard Harriot rustle aside the man's coat to catch a glimpse of identification tags, "Says here 'is name is Frederick Thorne."

Nell had to force herself to keep her eyes on the road and not snap around again. Freddy fucking Thorne was in the back of her ambulance...of all the people. She nearly let out a hysterical laugh, though she couldn't say there was anything particularly funny about this situation. He didn't look like Freddy. The Freddy she knew was an awkward, lanky boy that was still losing his baby fat. The man she carried was gaunt, more wry muscle... and he looked nothing like a boy. She blinked back unbidden tears. Her boys...were all of them so changed?

Was Tommy? Would she ever see the same cheeky smile on his face? Something told her that her Tommy was as changed as the man in her ambulance.

"Nell?"

Freddy must have passed out. She hadn't heard a word from him since his oddly slurred sentence. Nell forced a smirk to her face meant to reassure, even though Harriot couldn't see, "No...no I don't 'im. He must know a different Nell."

There was an odd truth to her lie, but Nell couldn't help the shame that swept through her as she denied her old friend. She would see him safely to the field hospital, she would make sure he received the proper care due to him...she would even make sure he was smuggled a few extra rations to erase some of the gauntness from his body. But she wouldn't stay with him – she wouldn't hold his hand and pray that he would be okay, she wouldn't sit and reminisce. She couldn't. Freddy was a memory of a home she left behind. A home she wasn't ready to face just yet... not for the first time she cursed how craven she had become.


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: I swear I'm not abandoning this story. I'm just super busy. Though, I welcome and love all the support. This chapter brings in another Peaky Blinder character I've been avoiding in writing, but it's time to introduce him I think. Also my past scene is a little short, but to the point I think and will lead up to a longer scene down the road. I hope you guys read and enjoy this chapter. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews. They really keep me motivated and...a little guilted to get my butt writing more. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Thirty**

 **Present**

She couldn't hide forever.

Nell had spent a week in London planning with James and Alfie. Adjusting to the fact that Alfie was now more a part of her world than she ever thought she would allow or would be possible. The Jewish Gagster tended to rule things with a firm control, so it had surprised her when he had deferred to James and hers wish to remain firmly in the background. It also made her uneasy – Alfie did not comply to anything that easily. She wondered what exactly the price of his aid and secrecy would be – it felt as if she was waiting for the other shoe to drop and she didn't like it.

As if sensing her distraction, a warm pair of lips brushed over the curve her neck, "You know, luv. You're awfully tense after bein' ravished within an inch of your life. A man could get insulted."

Nell smiled faintly as his voiced rumbled in her ear. Weariness more than clear in his visage, "Didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't. Quiet as a mouse, you are." Alfie murmured as he settled up against the pillows of his bed. He lightly drew designs on her lower back as she glanced over her shoulder at him, "You alright?"

"Better than ever." She assured confidently, but there was a glibness to her tone that had the gangster frowning.

"Liar." He murmured softly with a tilt of his head, "But that's alright, ya don't have to tell me."

She raised an incredulous brow as she turned more fully to stare at him. She knew her disbelief was apparent and Alfie huffed an indignant laugh under her gaze, "What? I know how to mind my fucking own, luv."

Nell snorted in amusement, "You're nosier than the old biddies at afternoon tea."

"Oi!" Alfie scowled affronted, pinching her bottom in retaliation. She yelped and bit back a laugh as she moved away from his reach, "Get back 'ere."

She shook her head, "No, we've spent too long in this bed as it is. You 'ave a business to run and I need to start packin'."

He grunted in annoyance and fell back into the covers, "Neither my business nor is Birmingham goin' fucking anywhere, Darling. Stay in bed. It took me all bloody week to talk you into it after all."

Nell rolled her eyes as she pulled on her dressing gown. It hadn't taken him all week to get her into bed, it had taken him all week to get her to stay more than few hours. As much as Alfie's easy acceptance set her on edge, he had noting on the coming anxiety of going home...really of facing Tommy. If she was lucky then the Peaky Blinder would cast her aside – having had enough of her nonsense. The problem was she was never that lucky. Even still she was neglecting her responsibilities in Small Heath at this point and James needed her back in place if his and Alfie's ridiculous plan was to work. She only hoped that the Lee's were still around. She needed to talk to Johnny Dogs before everything blew up in her face. Shye hoped she could avoid Tommy for that long at least.

"You've disappeared again."

Alfie's voice startled her from her musings, belatedly she realized he had been speaking to her. She was already half dressed as met his dim glare across the room, "Sorry, luv. Just going over everything I need to do."

"You don't 'ave to do this, you know?"

Nell was sure he was trying to be comforting and she sent him a small smile as she buttoned her skirt, "I don't 'ave to do anything... Be bored as shit, though."

He continued to frown at her and she rolled her eyes, "Been in worse situations Alfie, I'll be fine."

"I know you will, you're made of stronger stuff than I know of, luv." He finally moved from the bed, dark memories of their time in the hospital and when they reunited years later playing through his mind. If there was one thing he was sure of, it was that Nell was a survivor, "Doesn't mean I 'ave to like it though."

"Alfie..."

The gangster shook his head, "My offer stands, Nell. You ever want out of this mess of a business you're in – come find me."

She smiled appreciatively at him, more tempted than he could ever know by that offer – one he brought up every time they were together. She really didn't know what held her back anymore, "Yeah, I know. I also know I 'ave a train to catch."

"Could 'ave one of my boys drive you, be quicker." Alfie offered, much to Nell's surprise. Never once had he attempted to make her escape from London easier on her.

She shook her head, "No, raise too many questions if your boys were to stumble into Small Heath on my account. 'Sides there are people waiting for me there that will be less than pleased if I 'ave an escort. Train makes my life easier."

"You're trouble, no matter where you go." Alfie murmured under his breath as he buttoned his shirt, but Nell could still feel his intent stare. She didn't say anything as she gathered the last of her things, knowing the silence would prompt Alfie soon enough, "These people the reason why you left so soon?"

She gave him a dry glare, "Told you...it was ghosts."

"Is Charlotte's father a ghost to you?"

His tone was light, but Nell unconsciously froze at that question. She had never told Alfie her daughter's name – never mentioned Tommy to him either. Those topics were off limits, "How...?"

"Medicine they gave you at the hospital. Would make you ramble sometimes- You use to cry for 'er." Alfie murmured softly, sympathy shining through his dark blue eyes. So different from the icy eyes that stole her heart.

Nell looked away, "It was a long time ago, best to move on."

"Or runaway." He replied sagely, not wavering under her glare, "It's none of my fuckin' business, right?"

"Right." She answered rather snippily as she grabbed her bag and made note to stop by James's hideout for the rest of her belongings, "I 'ave to go."

"Nell."

"I'll see ya, when I see ya, Alfie. Take care of James for me." She called over her shoulder as she left him standing in the middle of his room.

She never saw him rub wearily at his face or the muttered, "Fuckin' 'ell." As she ran away yet again.

It was that dark thought that followed through the damp London streets and onto the rickety train bound for Birmingham. She was so sick of running and so sick of hiding. She wasn't sure how to stop, however, she was only certain on how to move forward. Maybe...maybe this would be the last time she helped James. Maybe it was time to leave the smuggling business behind... time to leave Small Heath and its memories for good. Maybe it was time to start somewhere new. It was sad thought, especially when she thought of a particular little boy that she adored more than life itself most days. It wouldn't be long before Finn was brought fully under his older brothers' wings and into the Peaky Blinder world. It would happen whether she wanted it to or not. Did she really want to be around to see that happen?

Sighing, Nell rubbed at her eyes tiredly and attempted to ignore her burgeoning headache. The two-hour train ride came to an end all too quickly for her as she gathered her things. It was both a relief and a worry to step back into familiar territory. Though a plague of weariness set on as she felt the familiar sensation of being watched. Tommy's little spies, her mind supplied as she made arrangements to have her trunk brought to her home.

"Miss. Donovan is it?"

The rough Irish brogue broke Nell from her embittered musings on Tommy's spying habits as she turned wary eyes on the man behind her. She had yet to see him in person, but he matched his photograph all too well. His well-made woolen suit and bowler hat made him stick out like a sore thumb even in the train station. She quickly pasted a curious smile to her lips and automatically replied in her most well-bred voice, "Perhaps, if the gentleman would care to introduce himself, the lady would feel more comfortable answering."

Chief Inspector Chester Campbell smiled faintly though it reminded Nell all too much of a wild fox, "I believe that is answer enough for me, but my apologies, Miss. Donovan. I am Chief Inspector Campbell, at your service."

She nearly snorted at that – Nell doubted very much that he was at anyone's service but his own, "A pleasure, Chief Inspector. However, I don't recall requiring the services of the police, let alone a Chief Inspector. So that begs the question of what you seek from me?"

There was a tense moment as Nell endured the probing calculating stare of the man before her. Campbell was quite obviously sizing her up. She demurred appropriately in response to such a stare, feeling disgusted with herself as she did so. It was always better to be underestimated, she reminded herself. It was a trick she had learned from both Tommy and Alfie.

"You are different, Miss. Donovan. All I would like is a bit of a chat and perhaps some information." Campbell assured quietly, a smug glint in his eye that Nell did not like. He offered his arm and with barely concealed hesitance Nell placed her hand on his forearm and the duo began to walk from the station, "I'm told you're rather close with the Shelby family, Miss. Donovan."

"Oh?" Nell queried lightly as she felt her stomach turn to ice. She wasn't surprised by the line of inquiry, but nor was she by any means thrilled to be pulled into whatever games the Inspector and Tommy were playing.

He raised a brow, "Is this not true?"

"Well, that depends on your definition of close. I grew up with the Shelby brothers. My mother and theirs were old friends. I see them on occasion still – Finn, the youngest I tend to see the most out of the whole lot." Nell responded, offering more information than necessary in hopes of placating whatever curious thread Campbell was chasing.

"And Thomas Shelby?" At her patient look Campbell continued, "Were you two not to be married at one point in time?"

Nell smiled ruefully, letting a touch of bitterness show on her face as she answered in a crisp tone, "That was a long time ago, Inspector. Anything between us ended when he was thrown into jail the night before our wedding."

It was, Nell thought, a rather blatant lie that any number of people in Small Heath would call her out on. Things would probably never end between them. The Inspector wouldn't know that, however.

"Yes, I do suppose that would be one way to end a relationship before it blooms. You were right to leave him when you did." Campbell supplied in a what was to be considered a placating tone, "I have reports that he's been to your home and he has men looking for you. Now this doesn't sound like things have ended to me, Miss. Donovan."

Nell sighed, slightly annoyed to have her worries confirmed over another confrontation between her Tommy, "Then let me clarify for you, Chief Inspector. Things have ended for me. Tommy has never been good at letting anything or anybody go."

"That does fit with the little I know of the man." The Inspector said sagely as if he knew just exactly what made Tommy tick. She had feeling he was in for a rude awakening, "So, Thomas has never come to you? Never asked you to hold something for him for safekeeping?"

Those bloody guns, she thought spitefully as she wondered what asinine plan Tommy was currently spinning, "I'm afraid, Inspector that any encounter between him and I usually ends in quite a bit of yelling. I'm the last person that Tommy would trust with something."

She knew that he couldn't argue with that – obviously Campbell had been asking around about her. The last public interaction between her and Tommy had sent a small portion of Small Heath from the Garrison.

"I see." Campbell came to a stop as he addressed Nell with a softness she was not expecting, "I think that you've answered enough of my questions for now, Miss. Donovan. If Mr. Shelby continues to trouble you please let me know."

Nell hid her surprise at the abrupt end to his little interrogation as she nodded her head, "Of course, Inspector."

He bid her farewell and turned in the direction they had just come from. Nell watched after him as she puzzled over what sort of play Campbell was making by talking with her. She felt uneasy as if she had missed a step... she didn't like it. With a worried huff, she turned on her heel and finished the short journey to her home. It was then she realized why she had been waylaid. Once again, her home laid in shambles, but unlike the last time Campbell had sent his men through the streets of Small Heath, only her house was targeted and this time no spot was left unturned.

She cursed lowly under her breath and called out, "Specter!"

A low rumbling meow answered her and her tabby's yellow eyes peered over the top of the stairs. She sighed happily at the grumpy looking cat, relieved that he remained unscathed. This would be the second time she would need to piece her home back together, it was starting to get expensive. She never made it to the first step when she heard her door open. Bracing herself, and half suspecting Tommy to be behind her, she turned with stormy eyes only to find the one Shebly, she never expected, "John?"

The young Shelby brother took in the mess before him with blearily eyes as he muttered, "Who the fuck did you piss off?... aside from Tommy."

Nell sighed as the thick vapors of alcohol finally reached her nose. This day was never going to end, "Campbell apparently. Why are you drunk on my doorstep?"

"Heard you were back. Thought I'd come warn ya that Tommy's on a fuckin' tear – you really did it this time, Nell." John-Boy explained rather soberly, concern glinting in his glassy eyes.

She shouldn't be surprised that word of her return had spread before she arrived home, she wouldn't be surprised if word of her stroll with the Chief Inspector was being brandied about either, but she really didn't need the gossip. Stifling another sigh, she eyed the younger man before her critically, "What else is new?...What happened to you?"

John shrugged, "I nearly married a whore."

Nell's mouth moved for a second as she tried to process that statement. She hadn't been aware that John was interested in anyone, "I think I need a drink before we go into that discussion."

" 'Ere." For the first time Nell noticed the half-gone bottle of whiskey the young Shelby was toting as he thrust it at her. Raising a brow, she didn't hesitate to take swig. The sun was setting somewhere.

* * *

 **Past**

She only cried in her sleep.

It was strange. Alfie didn't want to admit he was worried about the woman next to him. Silently, he questioned why she was next to him. Surely there were rules about men and women being allowed in the same ward. Then he remembered the lack of space. Gender went out the bloody window when it seemed as if every person in the fucking word was dying. A free bed was a free bed at that point. He was lucky she was quiet, he supposed. Except for when she slept, then the tears would come.

He preferred it when she was awake and coherent. Nell...she had said her name was Nell. It was a good name for her, fit in a way he couldn't describe. Short and to the point, he thought – which really just described her, didn't it? In the brief periods she had been awake she had been biting sarcastic, to the point of being caustic. Her grey eyes would thunder like the clouds of a storm, but never well with the rain of tears. She was strong. Alfie could admire that... but watching her now as she succumbed to a drug induced delirium that was meant to help her rest all he wanted to do was soothe her. And that was a new emotion. He never wanted to soothe anyone before. It was strange.

She cried out, a pathetic little whimper if he was honest, a name dancing on her lips, "Charlotte...my baby...Tommy...please, please."

Her tears had turned into a river and Alfie felt his heart twist as he witnessed her anguish. It felt wrong as if he was intruding. He had tried to talk to her when she was in this state before, but it was no use. Whatever maudlin drugs the doctor had given would make her lose touch. She was no longer in this room, she no longer saw him. She was a million miles away begging for her Charlotte or Tommy. Her strength shattered in these awful moments. God, he couldn't stand to watch a woman cry. How many more times would he be forced to endure this – how many more times would she? Though he had the feeling that answer would be forever. He would eventually leave the hospital and more than likely forget about the woman in that bed, but she would always be trapped with her memories.

"Charlotte..."

He couldn't bear this. Closing his eyes, Alfie began to sing. An old lullaby that he had forgotten he had known. It brought forth old memories of his own as he remembered a different time of gentle warmth. He was only a few verses in when he noticed that her trembling seemed to stop. Her tears while still present were no longer accompanied by soft cries. It was a blessing the Jewish Gangster would take. Anything to calm the storm.


	31. Chapter 31

A/N: Okay been a little busy, but you guys are long overdue for an update. I wanted to explore John and Nell a little more in this chapter, especially after watching the latest season. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Your words are always appreciated. I hope you guys enjoy. Please read and review.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Thirty-One**

 **Present**

She really shouldn't have accepted the drink. Nell sat up against the wall of her sitting room. Her head felt pleasantly fuzzy, but that didn't detract from the mess of her home that needed to be straightened. However, with John sprawled out next to her as he recounted what she had miss the past few weeks...well the Shelby Family drama she had missed, she found she didn't care about the mess. Mostly, he caught her up on his relationship with Lizzie and his declaration to marry her and Tommy's news that Lizzie was and still is every inch a whore.

Nell sniggered quietly as she took another sip of her whiskey, "Lizzie Stark?"

"Not you too!" John moaned as he threw a hand over his face. His family's unanimous amusement over his desired intended had been hard enough to swallow – Nell's entertained expression was just downright humiliating, "Did ya fucking know that she...?"

Nell raised a brow, "Made a livin' on her back? Pretty sure all of Small Heath knows."

She wasn't surprised that it was Tommy who broke his younger brother of the notion to marry Lizzie. It made her stomach turn to think of John sleeping with a woman that Tommy paid for the same right. She frowned internally as she thought of the other woman. Lizzie wasn't a bad person. She survived and if Nell had made some different choices... she'd probably be in the same spot.

John's low muttering drew her from her thoughts as she smiled sympathetically down at John, "You could 'ave chosen worse to be honest. Lizzie does what she needs to get by, no shame in that."

"Suppose." John murmured as he pulled his hand away to meet her gaze. She had never seen John look so lost, "I just...I jus don't think I'd be able to trust 'er fully, ya know?... I don't know what I'm gonna do about the kids. Fuck."

"You'll figure it out."

"You always fuckin' say that."

"And you always fuckin' do."

The duo shared a look before breaking into faint smiles. John took another swig and grew somber, it was Nell's only warning as he whispered, "Were you really in France?"

Her sharp grey eyes alighted on his face, but John wasn't looking at her as he stared resolutely at the rim of his bottle, "...It was a long time ago, John. I wasn't in a good way then."

He wanted to ask if she was in a good way now, but the words wouldn't come. Mostly because he already knew the answer. He flickered his stormy blue eyes to meet her grey orbs solemnly before nudging her gently with his foot. John had never been good at giving comfort and Nell had never been someone that he needed to give it to. Despite all their squawking when they were younger, Nell had always been his older sister. Someone he could pick at and drive mad, but also ask for advice or to keep a secret. She took care of him...she took care of his whole family to be honest. It was unsettling to think that she had been anything other than...strong. A large part of John felt as if the Shelby family had failed her. Not that he would ever say it aloud.

He frowned, not liking his dark train of thought or the guilt that twisted at his stomach. Sighing quietly, he nudged her again, "Can I tell ya a secret?"

"Always." Nell answered easily, a faint smile tinging her lips at the familiar question. John had done much the same when he had confessed to her of his crush on Martha and the nerves he had on approaching her.

"The night before you and Tommy were supposed to get married. The night he and Arthur were pinched by the coppers..." John said hesitantly as he watched her through half-lidded eyes, "Was my fault. I – I let slip what Tommy and Arthur were up to that night."

The silence was almost deafening as Nell processed his words. There was no mistaking the shock in her grey gaze, but no other emotion seemed to be forthcoming and it made John nervous. Nell slipped his bottled from his grasp and took a long swig.

"Nell?" She snorted and John blinked in surprised as she started chuckling, "Fuck. Nell?"

For Nell, it was all she could do. The myriad of emotions and the breadth of their depth couldn't be explained in words and Nell had the feeling that if she didn't laugh, she would cry. She was both grateful and hurt...and confused and amused – so much, "You ratted your brothers out to the coppers?"

"No.." John frowned and shrugged, "A snitch of the coppers."

Nell choked on another laugh, "Oh Tommy will kill you, if he ever finds out."

John flinched, knowing her words to be accurate. The domino disaster that his actions had caused still lingered in his mind. He had never seen his brother so morose in the days after the destroyed wedding, "Nell."

"I'm not going to say anythin'." Nell dismissed with a wave of her hand as she held in another laugh, "But you know better, John-boy. What in the bloody fucking world made you do somethin' that stupid? Were you drunk?"

The was a stilted silence as John lightly glowered at her, more than a little embarrassed as he admitted, "You. You were the reason I fucking said somethin'."

"What?" Nell whispered. Any trace of amusement long gone as she starred at the younger man.

John shrugged and refused to meet her gaze, "You were like those threads that Martha would use for needle point sometimes." Nell blinked confused, "You know, how she would 'ave to split and fray the ends to pull out the thickness she wanted. You were like those frayed threads... You 'ad Sadie and Aunt Poll and Tommy all pulling at you. And as the wedding got closer, the pulling jus got worse and worse. You never said anythin', but I could see you fallin' apart. And I was fuckin' angry at Tommy for not seeing it. It was like he buried his head in the ground after mum died and he ignored everything...me...you. It wasn't right."

"Oh, John." Nell sighed as she marveled at the fact that someone had noticed her misery all those years ago. She shouldn't be surprised, John was more observant and empathetic than anyone cared to admit, "You really are a menace, you know?"

John's eyes snapped to hers hurt, but as he caught the soft affection in her expression he smiled, "'S the only way to be, Nell."

She snorted and patted his arm, "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Always."

Nell bit her lip and eyed her little brother with a vague wariness, but the liquor had loosened her tongue as she said, "The night before you lot shipped out for France...Me and Tommy were married by the Roth's."

There was no silence with John as he choked mid swig on his whiskey. He erupted into a violent coughing fit as he eyed Nell in disbelief, "Fucking what!"

She didn't deign to respond as she watched him gain control of himself. John sputtered a moment as he started connecting the dots, "I thought you two were jus saying your fucking goodbyes that night. Christ!"

"We did that too." Nell murmured amused at the dark look he sent her.

John snorted and shook his head, "You're gonna send me to an early grave with the secrets you keep. You and Tommy are bloody perfect for each other. Why 'asn't he said anything? 'S not like Tommy to keep quiet about something like this."

There was a brittle tension in the air as Nell contemplated that question, "Tommy, he... The time apart broke us."

A pang of regret tore through John. If he had only kept his blood mouth shut all those years ago. Nell may have been faltering, but she would have gone through with the wedding. She and Tommy would more than likely have a few kids by now... things would be so different. Better maybe, but he was sure that things would have been a hell of a lot less painful for his surrogate sister and his brother.

"Everythin's gone to shit." John moaned wearily as he emptied his bottle.

Nell smirked in silent agreement, even as she said, "It could always be worse."

"What could be worse?"

To Nell's utter amusement, John seemed to jump out of his skin at the sound of his older brother's voice. She had heard the faint creak of her front door and was unsurprised as she tilted her head to meet Tommy's piercing gaze, "Everything."

Her murmured response garnered a raised eyebrow as Tommy waited for John to stop muttering curses as he rolled to a sitting position. Leerily, he glanced around the wrecked hovel of Nell's home. A strange mix of concern and curiosity crossing his visage. Before he had a chance to ask, Nell answered him, "Seems Inspector Campbell has taken an interest."

Tommy frowned churlishly, there was no mistaking the anger that replaced his concern. Whether he was angry with her or Campbell was uncertain as he nodded, "I'll take care of it."

"Hmm." Nell hummed noncommittally and watched as John finally pushed himself to his feet.

He tilted for a dangerous moment before finding stability, "I'll grab a few of the boys to come help clean this up, Nell. Be back in a few."

He disappeared before she had a chance to protest. John was no idiot and he didn't want to be around for the fireworks show that Tommy was about to launch. Nell stared after him unimpressed before she finally shifted her gaze towards Tommy. He was watching her and Nell felt her stomach twist with dread. She hadn't had near enough alcohol for the coming conversation. He startled her when he abruptly moved from his position in the doorway towards the stairs. No words uttered as he began to climb the steps. Nell pushed herself to her feet faster than she thought possible as she hollered after him, "Oi! What are you up to?... Tommy?"

She had drunk more than she thought, Nell realized as she lost her footing and slumped against the door jamb that Tommy had just vacated. Stairs would not be a good idea. She scowled ineffectually at her second story as she fretted over what Tommy could possibly be doing. The sound of running water reached her ears causing Nell to frown. She only had to wait a few moments before Tommy reappeared at the top of the stairs, missing his coat and cap. She raised a brow at him, only to receive a dry stare as he came to grasp her elbow, "I'll be behind you. Try not to fall."

She resisted his urging with a dry stare of her own, "Tommy..."

"Nell, I am in no mood to fight with you. You're drunk and its getting late. Now come on." He pressed a hand against the small of her back and nearly smiled as she made a reluctant move up the stairs. He ushered her quickly into the bathroom where she saw the tub filling with hot water. A light tug at her back reminded her fuzzy mind that Tommy was present as she felt the buttons of her dress slip open.

She quickly swatted his hands away, "I'm not a child, Tommy."

He blatantly ignored that comment as he stepped back and leaned against the wall, "Have you eaten?"

Nell fumbled with the tub's faucet as she turned off the water. A bath had sounded nice when she had left the train and even better when she had entered her wrecked home, but now with Tommy standing mere feet away a twisting anxiety tore through her stomach and pounded against her heart. It was all too reminiscent of the night he had seen her scars. Bitterly, she shoved her feelings aside, "What is this? What're you doing?"

"...I told you, I don't want to fight." He growled lowly, calmly. He was avoiding.

It was the voice he used when he had a point to be made or when he needed so very dearly to be in control. Nell glared at him dimly over her shoulder as she drawled dryly, "Then you shouldn't be here."

Tommy's jaw tightened almost imperceptibly in annoyance, "Is that what you want, Nell? Do you want to fight?"

"I want many things, Tommy." Nell bit out. She was wary and defensive because she didn't know what game Tommy was playing – wasn't sure where his mind was at and she didn't like it, "I want my damn 'ome back in order. I want my head to be clearer. I want to sleep through a fucking night without the aid of some bloody whisky or rum. But right now, I want you to not be here."

The silence was stony as he studied her. He was torn between frustration and outright anger as he breathed through his nose, "Well, take a soak then, Nell. I'll bring your bag up and fetch us some dinner. John and the boys will 'ave the downstairs cleared up. Gives you plenty of time to come out of the fog and clear your head, eh?"

And it also gave her space from him... at least temporarily. It went unsaid, but the intention was clear. Tommy didn't wait for a response and Nell bit back a sigh as she watched him slip away. She should have stayed in London.

* * *

 **Past**

Arthur held in a sigh as he watched his younger brother pace the length of their cell. There were too many drunks and other petty criminals loaded into the yard for the brothers to be separated. Not that it mattered.

"Tommy..." Arthur drawled lowly, tiredly. His brother's antsy-ness nagged at his nerves in the worst way. They were fucked, plain and simple. He could only hope that they were released in the morning, but with it being a Saturday night it was more likely that their release would come Monday. One day too late, "Tommy, jus sit would ya?"

Tommy flung a curse over his shoulder as he continued to prowl, missing Arthurs weary eye roll. It was all wrong. They were never supposed to get pinched. Now, he had a rolling queasy feeling tilting in his stomach as he tried to quell the panic tightening his chest. Nell...Nell was gonna murder him. A wave of defeat dulled his anxiety but did nothing to quell his restlessness. It was all wrong.

The whole fucking year was wrong.

A stab of pain curled through his veins as he thought of everything. His mum was supposed to be alive. She was supposed to watch him marry the childhood friend who had stolen his bloody heart. She was supposed to take care of Finn. Finn... Sometimes, it hurt to just look at the babe. Tommy swallowed hard and pressed his face against the cool stone of a cell wall. Arthur Senior never should have left. It wasn't fair.

Even as he struggled, he could see Nell's scowling face behind his eyelids. His wildfire... This wasn't fair to her. Not after everything she had to put up from him this year. She had taken his moods, his words, had slapped him back into place when he went too far. She had done everything. And he couldn't fucking go one day without running a fucking job. He had to get bloody pinched the night before his wedding. No one could hate him more in that moment than himself. An anguished cry of frustration fell from his lips as he threw his cap across the room. Raking a hand through his hair as he threw himself next to Arthur.

His older brother finally let loose the sigh that had been trapped in his throat, "She'll understand, Tommy."

Tommy closed his eyes at those words, "She shouldn't 'ave to understand. I should be able to keep a fuckin' promise."

Arthur frowned, but didn't disagree as he tried to murmur comfortingly, "It'll be alright... You'll see. Nell will put you through the fuckin' ringer, but she'll forgive you. Aunt Poll will 'ave our heads and Sadie... well best not to turn your back on Sadie anytime soon."

Tommy snorted in faint amusement, knowing his brother was right. Sadie may be the calmer of the Donovan woman lacking her daughter's fiery temper, but she was by far the more dangerous to cross. He blew out through his nose as he whispered, "Nell...she -"

"Loves you." Arthur finished quietly, "Nell isn't goin' anywhere and you know it."

Tommy let silence reign as he stair at the cell door. He hoped his brother was right, because he was sure that he had stepped too far over the line this time and he wasn't sure if he could find his way back.


	32. Chapter 32

A/N: I think this is a moment some of you have been waiting for...its been spinning around in my head for months and finally I've had time to put it down in writing. I do apologize for the delay, but writing has taken a bit of the back burner while I focused on other priorities. This chapter is only in present day because I felt that having a flashback would detract from the interaction between my characters. I'm dying to know what you guys think of this chapter. If its what you expected, if it was disappointing. If the characters felt wrong or right to you. Tell me. Special thanks to all who have reviewed previously and to everyone who has continued to read. Please read, review and enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Thirty-Two**

 **Present**

There was a bowl of chicken soup with a bread roll resting by her bedside when Nell finally emerged from the bathroom. She drew her dressing gown tighter against her body and ignored the steaming broth for a moment as she paused to listen. Distantly, the muffled whispers of conversation and the dull thumping of movement met her ears and knew that John had kept his promise to round up the boys to clean. She should head down... give her thanks and send them on their way. She could deal with the mess. Campbell was paying her too much attention as it was, she didn't need to raise his suspicion further should word reach him that the Peaky Blinders were straightening her home.

Nell sighed and rubbed at the back of her neck as she longed to simply lie down. The warm bath had done nothing to sober her fogged mind and her stomach churned as another muffled thud echoed thru the floor to her. Spitefully, she placed the bowl of soup on the ground for Spectre to enjoy as she pulled on a more practical garment. Tommy was lingering somewhere downstairs, she knew... that thought alone was almost enough to make her stay in her room.

Like Tommy, she wasn't in the mood to argue and she wasn't in the mood to talk or pull apart years of silence and secrets. She hadn't lied when she said she wanted Tommy gone. She wanted him gone from her house, her town, her life... her squalid heart. He was her abyss. There was no hope, but to drown in the rogue waves of their history. It would be easier to just banish it all.

A soft scoff fell from her lips as she shook her head at the dramatic morose turn her thoughts had taken. She had never much cared for the melodramatic and she seemed to be swimming in it now. This should teach her not to drink with John-boy anymore... he was too fucking depressing sometimes. Grumbling bitterly under her breath, she curled her wet hair into a loose bun and deemed herself presentable enough to dismiss the mongrel bunch uncluttering her downstairs. She cast one last longing look to her bed before slipping out the door. As Nell neared the stairs the muffled murmuring slowly became raucous conversation as the clattering became all the louder. She rolled her eyes and leaned over the railing to whistle. The chatter dropped almost immediately as five burly looking men turned curious eyes towards her. She recognized the usual suspects as she spared her conscripted workers a soft smile, "Alright you miserable louts, off with you. Get a pint at the Garrison, tell Harry it's on me."

Instead of a gruff chorus of relief the men exchanged weary looks before one, Tiny, stepped forward, "We were told to make sure all was straightened before we could leave, Nell."

Nell sighed annoyed as her smile turned biting, "Last I checked this was my 'ome, not Tommy's. You can go. If he 'as a problem then send him or any other Shelby to me. Now off with you."

The men still hesitated and Nell waved a hand towards the door, "I don't like to repeat myself."

Her sharp tone, too reminiscent of childhood reprimands had the men lurching for the exit. She wasn't surprised as she watched them leave to see Tommy and John reappear in her foyer. Breathing through her nose, she nodded toward the door again, "You two out, as well. I'm done with 'aving visitors for the night."

"Your 'ome is still a fuckin-" John started with a grumbled.

Nell had already turned her back on the duo to go into her room, missing the intent stare that followed after her. She shouted over her shoulder, "Out!"

Unconsciously she listened for the sounds of heavy footsteps and the clinking shut of her front door as she redressed into a loose nightgown. She would check the locks on the door in a moment she decided and silently debated putting the kettle on downstairs for a cup of tea. Her impatience outweighed her desire as she untwisted her damp hair to dry. She turned towards the hall as the silence of the house finally penetrated her thoughts and damn near jumped out of her skin as she found Tommy leaning against the threshold of her room.

It took her a moment to unclench her fingers and calm her rapidly beating heart under his heavy gaze. Silently, she swore. Tommy must have been a bloody cat in another life, "I told you to go."

"Your 'ead any clearer?" He questioned lowly, ignoring her pointed stare for one of his own.

Distantly, she noted that he had removed his hat and jacket at some point as she took in the white linen shirt that lined his sinewed arms and brown vest that wrapped his lithe form. He must have been waiting in the kitchen while the men worked. She scowled, "Go 'ome, Tommy. We're not doing this tonight."

He hummed under his breath before moving from the doorway and into her space. Her stomach churned again, but with anxiety. Her heart had yet to still and she found another sort of warmth spreading through her veins. Another slew of curses filled her head as she tried with all her might to ignore the tumultuous swirl of sensation Tommy caused just by being near her. She normally could batten down the hatches on her emotions... and unthinkingly, she found herself answering his question. No, her head wasn't clearer. Not even close to it...

"Tommy." She growled warningly, at least she tried to growl. Her voice came out more husky than she intended and she could feel herself blush as his eyes flashed knowingly at her, "Go away."

"Your 'ead isn't clearer. Your 'ome is still in shambles. I'm still here." Tommy muttered with a certain amount of sadistic satisfaction that made Nell want to hit him. His fingers came up to trail the line of her neck, "Face it, Helen, you won't be getting what you want tonight."

She smacked his hand away, but not before he caught a glimpse of faint bruising that rested just by the edge of the neckline of her dressing gown. Bruises that were left with more a seductive intention than malice. He held her hand back as he pulled down the edge of her gown. Alfie hadn't left as deep of a mark on her this time, but even this faded blemish had Tommy tensing with an anger that Nell was all too familiar with. She huffed in irritation as she shoved him back, "Jealousy doesn't suit you, Tommy."

"London." He muttered in disgust as he remembered the last time he had found a love bite on her pale skin, "What's 'is name?"

"No." Nell held firm, "I've told you before, it doesn't matter."

"It does if you keep seeing 'im." Tommy intoned angrily.

She scoffed, her own anger making her reckless, "Out. Go warm your barmaid's bed."

"Now who's jealous, Nell?" He spat back prowling like a caged tiger, before cornering her against the wall. Filling her space and her senses with nothing but him.

He was baiting her, Nell knew, but like a dolt she couldn't stop herself from falling into the trap. Fighting with him was too familiar a dance for her not to know the steps, "Jealous of what exactly? At least she'll welcome you with open arms and even wider legs."

"And is that how you welcome him?" Tommy questioned bitterly.

The air crackled between them as Nell managed to fold her arms across her chest, feeling more vulnerable than she had any right too. She flung back just as acridly, "And if it is?"

His fist slammed into the wall by her head and Nell flinched as she fought not to shrink away. Uncertainty crept through her veins finally as she took in his fury. She could practically feel him fighting for control as she stared into his icy eyes. Eyes that held too much pain and anger and want – and she was sure he was seeing the same in hers. Suddenly, with more tenderness than Nell expected, his fisted hand scraped away from the wall to caress her cheek, "Damn you, Nell."

"Go to Hell, Tommy." Nell whispered.

"Already there, luv." He whispered back. His hand gently grasped her hip as he tugged on her hair to pull her head back. His lips ghosted across her cheek and every string of her being screamed at her to push him away even as heat pooled in her stomach.

His mouth hovered over hers as he watched her through half-lidded gaze, "Open your arms and widen your legs, Helen."

A shiver ran up her spine at his demand even as an indignant flame flickered to life. Weakly she uttered, "No. Get out of my house."

"Didn't I already tell you, you're not getting' what you want tonight, luv." His voice had taken on a gravelly tone as the fingers gripping her hip began to slowly gather up the fabric of her night gown.

Nell inhaled sharply and unfurled her arms to push him away again, "Piss of - !"

He swallowed her curse as he claimed her mouth. She still tasted of the whiskey she had imbibed early and for a delicious second, she melted into him. Tommy grunted a moment later as she pinched his chest and tore her mouth away. He wasn't deterred as he pressed biting kisses down the line of her jaw.

Nell groaned lowly and purposefully stomped down on his foot. He cursed, pausing only long enough for her nails to bite into his shoulder as she took control. He was unsurprised as her mouth found his again even as she bit down on his lip. A growl rose to his throat as he swiftly gained leverage under her thighs and pressed her hips into his. It was seconds later that she had his trousers undone as he shoved the skirt of her gown out of the way and sunk into her silk depths.

It wasn't until he felt her legs wrap around his waist that he pulled back enough to rasp, "Good girl."

Nell glared dimly as she realized she had opened her arms and legs to him. She yanked at the small hairs at the back of his neck in retaliation, "Utter bastard, you are."

He rocked against her, drawing a soft mewl from her lips, "Tell me to stop then."

"Shut up, Tommy." Nell hissed as she arched into him.

It may have been the only order Tommy followed that night as they fought. Neither could call what they did sex or love making or even fucking. It was too hateful and raw as she clawed and he bit. Bruises would litter both their bodies in the morning light, but neither cared as they tumbled into her bed and clothes managed to become discarded to the floor.

It wasn't until later, after their release had been found did any semblance of gentleness return to their embrace. Nell rested her chin on his chest as she tried not to be lulled by the rise and fall of his deep breaths. It was difficult as Tommy rubbed soothing fingers over a few of the harsher marks he had left on her hips.

"I'll not see 'er again."

Nell's eyes opened slowly to stare into his glittering eyes. Part of her rejoiced at his words, the rest shuddered with dread, "No."

His fingers paused over a particularly sore bruise, "I 'ave a bag downstairs. I'll 'ave the rest of my things brought over tomorrow."

She frowned and sat up, aware that he was watching her like a hawk. She expected to see the wheels churning in his eyes as he made his chess moves and decisions as he calculated how to counteract her response, but that look wasn't there. The scheming Thomas Shelby of her youth and the plotter of the Peaky Blinders wasn't staring back at her and she felt more than a little off balanced. She was staring at a Thomas Shelby who had made his decisions and was resolved not to be moved, "You're not staying here."

"John's getting married on Sunday. Polly's gonna to need your help to get Ada there... She shouldn't miss her brother's wedding." Tommy continued as if she hadn't spoken and Nell felt the familiar sweep of frustration blossoming.

She pursed her lips with a suspicious frown as she distantly recalled nothing being mentioned to her about a wedding by John, "Does John know he's getting married on Sunday?"

Tommy hesitated a moment before shrugging, "Not yet. He's to marry one of the Lee's. It was decided as part of the peace deal that I brokered after you left... No more fighting. No more bombs."

She gaped quietly for a moment, "...I hope John shoots you."

"You'll not be the one to tell 'im." Tommy said pointedly.

"You're jus gonna spring this on 'im." Nell stated softly feeling more than a little betrayed on John's behalf, "If he doesn't shoot you then I'll shoot you for 'im."

"No, you won't."

She scoffed, "Is that why you want to stay 'ere. To hide?"

Tommy's icy eyes blazed for a moment, but Nell held her own against that look. Thomas Shelby could do many things to her, but frighten her was never one of those things. He sighed, "A husband should be with his wife, if a marriage is to work."

"We're not-"

"We are." Tommy barked impatiently, "We said our vows and a fucking piece of paper changes none of that. I am done with the bloody games we've been playin' and the distance between us. I am movin' in here. I will not be seein' Grace again and you'll not run off to London again. And I will know about every second of the last six years that you felt had to be kept a secret. You're my wife, Helen Shelby. Mine. And I am your husband. It's about fucking time we acted like it."

He encroached into her space again as he talked. Demanding her attention and overwhelming her senses, even as she bit back the urge to scream at him. Even as she denied his unspoken plea. And while his tone brooked no argument, his touch was nothing but gentle as he cradled her face in his hands, "I want my wife, Nell..."

Her heart thudded in her ears as she stared at him. The faintest pricks behind her grey eyes told her tears were struggling to reach the surface as she placed her hands over his and turned to kiss his palm. She mournfully murmured, "I hate you so, Thomas Shelby."

He smiled bitterly, "I know."

Nell ached at that smile as she tried to recall in a moment of bewilderment how they had reached this point, "Campbell will make me a target if you stay."

"He's already made you a target."

"I don't want you 'ere." She whispered fighting for some sort of leverage.

"Then you're moving into the 'ouse with me and Poll and Finn." Tommy muttered firmly, "You're runnin' out of excuses."

She sighed, "I don't love you."

There was a stillness as Tommy stared at her, evaluated her before he said grimly, "You couldn't hate me if you didn't love me. Don't you _ever_ lie to me."

"You hurt me." She whispered and there was no lie.

"And you hurt me." He whispered back.

And suddenly Nell saw the sixteen-year-old boy staring back at her as he demanded that she end things with Michael Bennett. The boy who promised to never stop kissing her. The man that abided her wishes for distance and time and the person who saw her, flaws and all. The stranger that had returned from France was conspicuously absent as Tommy laid his walls bare before her. Something inside her broke as Nell choked on a sob, "Tommy."

He pressed a soft kiss to her trembling lips. A kiss meant to soothe as much as reassure, "I'm 'ere, Nell. I'm right 'ere."

Tears spilled down her cheeks, "You left."

"Yes... and I came back. So where were you, eh?" He murmured gently, as if he were talking to a spooked horse. He drew her in and held her close as he pressed his head to hers, "Where did you go after I left, Nell? Tell me. Tell me about Sadie and Charlotte and France, because I'm not leaving until you do."

She whimpered, "I don't want you to go."

"Then I won't." Tommy promised, but even he could see the disbelief in her gaze as they clung to each other, "Nell...talk to me."

"You'll hate me."

Tommy snorted, "I already hate you...it's why I love you. You 'aven't been able to drive me away yet, I doubt you ever will."

Nell brushed away her tears and wished silently that she could believe him, but quietly she began, "I hated you for goin'. I hated that I only got one night with you as your wife before you were gone. I felt cheated and stupidly happy that you were mine..."


	33. Chapter 33

A/N: Things can never been easy. I'm happy for the three day weekend as it gave me time to finish up this chapter. I have a great deal of excitement as I get closer to the end of Season 1. Several big events are coming for both Tommy and Nell and hope that you guys will enjoy where I take this story. Please let me know what you think. I always want to hear your thoughts and opinions. Thank you to all the people who have reviewed! Love the feedback guys. Please continued to read and enjoy all.

Disclaimer: I own only what is mine.

* * *

 **Chapter Thirty-Three**

 **Present**

He missed this.

Tommy realized belatedly as he ran light fingers down the curve of Nell's bare back. She had fallen asleep hours ago. Her face firmly tucked into the hollow of his shoulder with the rest of her clutching his side like a limpet. She felt warm and soft and good and just...his. He pressed his nose into her hair and tried in vain to brush away the swirl of pain that slammed into his heart as he relished her presence. His Nell.

He had missed her.

It hurt that he couldn't recall the last time he had held her like this...that she had clung to him. It had never used to be a rare occurrence. They had never shied away from each other's touch, but they had stopped seeking each other's warmth. Darkly, he realized he hadn't held her like this on the night of their wedding. He should have... He should have bound their wrists with the rope he used on Nell and never let go. His grip tightened on Nell's hips causing her to stir slightly. He cursed quietly and pressed a soothing hand between her shoulders as her bleary gaze found his. Nell muttered something lowly before curling further into his side. Tommy felt a faint smile twitch at the corners of his mouth, she never had been a morning person. Even still he hadn't missed the reddened tracks that lingered on her cheeks. They hadn't made it far last night. Talk of Charlotte had drained both of them and Tommy wasn't sure he would be able to draw out everything that had happened with Sadie. Nell seemed to shut down and wall off at any mention of her mother, whereas Charlotte evoked this raw unconscionable pain that made Tommy want to rage.

He wanted to rage now. And scream. The urge to tear the world apart had become unbearable as he listened to Nell explain what had happened when she had realized she was pregnant. There had been this subtle joy in her gaze as she fell into those memories. _Their_ _baby_. He wished so badly that he had been here. He wished he could have quelled the fear that Sadie had instilled in her daughter the moment she had confessed to being in the motherly way. He wished that Nell had told Sadie about their wedding. It would have gone a long way to softening the Donovan matriarch to her only child...having her own child. He knew Sadie Donovan would never have forgiven them for stealing off to be married, but he assumed that ire the moment he had wrapped those ropes around Nell's wrists. He had been prepared to foster his mother-in-law's anger... but he hadn't been here to assume the responsibility. Now, he felt himself holding a grudge against the older woman for the pain she had caused.

The rage twisted with his guilt and Tommy felt himself falling back into the pattern he had been repeating all night as he struggled against the anxiety burning in his stomach. He closed his eyes as he willed for control. He was...tired.

So, fucking tired.

Cruelly, the morning sun filtered in through the bedroom window. The light traveled steadily across the floor to their bed as the sun continued its slow ascent into the sky. Tommy sighed as he watched the start to a new day. Gently, he eased out from under Nell's grasp and moved to the bathroom. He went through the motions unconsciously before he found himself at the window again. Nell's bedroom faced the street and he could see the first stirrings of Small Heath awakening or more likely the last hurrahs of those who drank the night away. He should be down there. The list of errands that needed done grew longer with each passing day.

"You're givin' all my neighbors a show."

Tommy blinked as Nell's husky voice pierced the room's quiet. He turned from the window, not in the least bothered by his naked state as he watched her shift to her back. She yawned tiredly and Tommy knew it wouldn't take much for her to dose off again, "Mrs. Nesbit would be the only one to complain."

Nell snorted quietly and bit back another yawn even as her eyes drifted shut, "Doubtful. Mrs. Nesbit has a wandering eye."

Tommy smirked in amusement, "Then I hope she appreciates the show. It'll be her last from me."

Nell quirked a brow, but didn't respond as she settled more firmly into the sheets. Tommy wasn't to be ignored now that she had roused to some state of wakefulness. He prowled quietly across the room, the bed dipping under his weight as he knelt over her to claim a kiss. Soft, warm, home... Nell. She sighed softly against his mouth and he took the invitation to taste her. Her fingers traced the lines of his chest as she indulged his explorations, but too soon she was pulling away. Her breathing labored as she stared up at him in lazy lust. It was a look he could get used to.

Tommy frowned curiously as she began to shake her head, "No. No. No. I'm too sore for this now, Thomas Shelby."

An amused grin fell to his lips before he placed a quick kiss to the corner of her mouth as he moved to straddle her legs, "We did get a bit carried away last night, luv."

"A bit?" Nell murmured tiredly as she watched him suspiciously, "You apparently 'aven't seen your back. Looks like I took a bloody meat cleaver to you."

"Explains that pain then." Tommy murmured as he dipped his head to her breast as he impatiently tugged the sheet from her body. Love bites decorated her collar and he soothed each with his tongue as he trailed his touch south.

Nell uttered another sigh before slipping her fingers through his hair. Low moans escaped her as he nipped and kissed at every inch of flesh revealed while he continued to slowly pull the sheet further down. His touches were lighter and gentler than earlier, but in some ways his touches felt heavier, firmer, permanent. This was the union they should have had when he had returned from the war. Not the quick fucks that they had visited on each other in recent months, nor the broken, angry war that had consumed them in the night. He had wanted to drown in her years ago. It was a dream he had held onto in the more bleak and lonesome days in France. To see her smile. To hear her moan his name. To feel her pliant and willing beneath him. To hold her and just for a moment disappear.

His mouth found her scars before his fingers did. The macabre knot of lines and slightly puckered skin. He mourned quietly the physical evidence of her pain, of his failure. Even still he tried to soothe those wounds. His kisses lingered and his fingers traced the unholy pattern that marked her. It took Nell a moment to realize what he was doing, "Tommy...please."

He placed a last kiss to her side as he met her wary gaze, "It's a part of you, Nell. And it's not ever going away. Bit like me."

"Saying you're a scar, are you?" She murmured, unwilling to admit to her discomfort. She still had a hard time looking at the mutilated flesh.

Tommy wasn't fooled, but he would let her hide... for now, "Aren't I?"

"No." She whispered as she reached out to caress his cheek. His stubble tickling her fingers, "You're far worse than a scar, Thomas Shelby."

"And what am I, Helen?" His gaze was unwavering as he took in every line of her face, every twitch of her mouth and glint of her eye.

"Right now? You're mine." There was a moment of stillness before she gasped a laugh as he surged forward to claim her lips again.

He grinned against her mouth, "Now, you've done it. Be hard pressed to get rid of me, luv." He raised a surprised brow as she shifted against him and hooked her legs over his hips, "Thought you were too sore."

"Tommy." She bit his lip, "Shut up."

He chuckled and slipped as gently as he could into her. Her hitched breath told him less than the sudden tension in her body... She was still sore, but Christ was she wet, "Nell."

"It's okay." She whispered against his ear. He knew what she was going to do a second before she moved. Tommy grunted softly as he suddenly found himself on his back as Nell took over, "Much better."

It took more control than Tommy was willing to admit to not arch into her, but that still didn't stop him from touching, exploring. It was a treat to see her in the light. A low growl tore from his throat as she moved against him and Tommy knew he wouldn't hold long. His hand delved between their bodies and Nell cried out as he pressed and stroked. It didn't take much more to get her to unravel as Tommy sought his own pleasure. She collapsed into him at his final stroke and he held her tight, reluctant to let her go again.

"This feels like a dream, doesn't it?" Nell whispered as she pressed a kiss to the curve of his neck, "I keep thinkin' that I'm going to wake up and you'll be gone."

"Not this time, monisha." Tommy said firmly as he tightened his grasp.

Nell sighed wearily and pulled back, "I hate it when you call me that."

"Only cuz it's true. You're mine, jus as I'm yours." His hold never loosened as he gazed at her, "Nell..."

"Hmm?"

It was his turn to sigh, "Our conversation isn't over. I know about Charlotte, but you need to tell me about Sadie." And France, but that went unsaid for the time being.

There it was, the shuttered look. It was like watching a fucking door close and he was about to hear it latch. He leaned forward, refusing to let her escape, "Hey, stop... She's a ghost that haunts you. You need to let her go, luv. You need to let me help you."

"Tommy -"

He shook his head, already knowing the protest on her tongue, "NO. Let me in, luv."

"No. Not today, Tommy. Ask me tomorrow. Ask me after I've had a bottle of whisky." Nell snapped as she pulled from his grasp, "Don't ask me now. Not after...Not in the light."

"Nell." She didn't stop as she slipped off the bed and into the bathroom, grabbing her dressing gown from the floor as she went. Tommy muttered a curse before he got up to follow her. This scene was all too familiar as he stood in the doorway and watched as she wiped away the evidence of their tryst. Her walls were falling back into place and it made him want to scream, "Nell... fuckin' Hell, Nell. What do you want me to do?"

Nell bit her lip and finished washing off her leg, silently refusing to meet his gaze as she mumbled, "Nothing. I want you to do nothing, Tommy."

He suddenly wanted to strangle her. How did they get here? How did they go from utterly fucking blissful to full fledge pissed in just a few fucking seconds? It was stupid to ask himself these questions, he knew. Some part of him had gotten used to people accommodating him, living in fear of him. He was Thomas Fucking Shelby and the only people that ever stood up to him, shared his blood... except bloody fucking Helen Dahlia Shelby, "Nell - "

"Don't. Don't fucking start." Nell muttered as she finally met his gaze. Despite the fact that she had gotten more sleep than he had, she still looked fucking tired, "Ask me tomorrow. Tomorrow, Tommy."

He bit back a growl, but quietly acquiesced to her demands, "Tomorrow night, then. We 'ave a wedding to attend during the day."

Nell turned baleful eyes on him and Tommy was sure she was swallowing a slur of curses at him, "I really do hope John shoots you for this."

"You wanted peace with the Lees'. I got peace with the Lees'." Tommy responded as he rolled his eyes, wondering if he would ever be able to please her.

Nell tugged her dressing gown around her, "You couldn't 'ave found another way... or at least included John in these decisions?"

"John would say no and you know he would say no." Tommy pointed out as he took a seat on the edge of the tub, "He'll follow an order and he'll 'ave the wife he's been lookin' for."

Nell stepped before him with a raised brow and a shake of her head, "You're lucky you're already bruised by my hand or I jus might try to slap some sense into you."

Tommy snorted as he pulled her down onto his lap, "Like it'd do any good, eh?"

"You're right. You're too 'ard headed to know the difference." Nell quipped as she brushed her hand over his jaw.

"Pot and kettle, luv. Pot and kettle." Tommy murmured back as he leaned into her touch, "Will you dance with me tomorrow? We 'aven't danced in a long time."

She was quiet a moment as she studied him and Tommy felt a sudden sense of unease. He had forgotten. For a moment he had forgotten he wasn't arguing with the Nell of six years ago, "Ask me tomorrow. You need a shave."

Tommy only clung to her tighter, "You'll help Polly bring Ada tomorrow?"

"I doubt your Aunt needs any help, but sure I'll tag along." Nell murmured wearily, "I'll get word to Ada and Freddy today, give her time to prepare at least."

"No need. Grace took an invitation to her day before yesterday. She knows...I jus – I jus don't know if she and Freddy will come." He wouldn't have known anything was wrong if it weren't for the fact that she was in his arms and he felt more than saw the sudden tension that wound through her body. Her expression never changed and Tommy wondered when she had become so good at hiding. He bit back another sigh as he realized the problem to her sudden tension, "She works for me, now. It's not like I can avoid her name. She's taken over the books for the Garrison and some of the other activities. She knows how to look the other way, Nell."

"Did I say something?" Nell queried lowly, but she had this look in her eye. A calculating look that made him anxious for reasons he couldn't quite put a finger on.

"You didn't 'ave to. I can fire 'er if you want to take over the work. You're jus as good at numbers." Tommy said slowly as he tried to figure out where her mind was at.

Nell shook her head, "What made you give her the job? Aside from the obvious."

"Nell -" She raised a brow at him and Tommy decided that was a fight he didn't want to have, besides there was no point in denying his attraction. Nell wasn't stupid, "She showed interest in the business."

"Interest?"

"Yes, interest. She was asking Arthur questions. Getting' a feel for how we do things." Tommy explained brusquely, not sure why this mattered to Nell, "What's your interest?"

That calculating look hadn't left her gaze, but Nell shrugged, "It's nothin'. She showed an interest – if you think that she can be trusted, then keep 'er on."

"Nell." Tommy said warningly as he stared at her.

She quirked a faint smile at him as she stood from his lap, "It's nothin', Tommy. Shave. I need to get dressed and get this house in order."

He stared after her and silently vowed to pull every secret from his blasted wife...even if it killed him.

* * *

 **Past**

The house was dark. It made her skin crawl. Nell hugged her coat closer to her body as she shut the front door behind her. This was her home...had been her home for twenty-four years. Now... now she didn't feel safe here. She didn't have any vague nostalgic feeling to the place she grew up... Mostly because it no longer resembled the place she grew up. It didn't feel like home.

Her mother had drawn the curtains in the sitting room and from what Nell could see, every room. No light shined from outside unless it came through muted by the curtain cloth. There was an odd odor, as well. Something rotten that she couldn't quite put her finger on. These were small changes, but changes that had her fearing to move further.

Had she gotten the right house?

Had she forgotten what her home had looked like?

Yet, even as she took a ginger step forward she could make out the mementos and photos that adorned the wall, that adorned her past. She was home. Only she didn't recognize it.

Footsteps sounded above her and Nell froze in place. She was scared and it made her angry. She was scared of the presence that lingered above and she shouldn't be. She tried in vain to steel her nerves, but found that the pounding in her chest now seemed to be echoing in her ears and she struggled to breathe. Seeing her mother shouldn't be this hard.

She swallowed the screams that echoed in the back of her mind. She ignored the irrational fear that froze her veins, but held on to the fury. Her anger was why she was here. Managing to draw a steady breath, she moved swiftly up the stairs. She paused briefly before her mother's bedroom door. Voices came from within and for a horrifying moment she thought her mother had finally gone mad, but the second voice was too deep, too masculine.

Her mother wasn't alone.

Suddenly, she felt like she was intruding and the urge to leave became overwhelming. Why was she here? With trembling fingers, she turned the knob and pushed the old wooden door open. It almost seemed darker inside than it did in the hall. She couldn't bring herself to enter.

"Nell?"

She started slightly at the sound of her name, unaware that she had lingered longer in the threshold than she had intended. She cursed quietly and turned her head towards the man who called her name. Soulful eyes seemed to pierce her through the dark and Nell gave a weak smile as she greeted, "Hello Charlie... Can I 'ave a few moments with my mother?"

"Course, Nell." The older man stood and placed a kiss to a bedridden form that Nell had almost missed as she gave a quick scan of her mother's room. The strange odor was stronger here. The room seemed to be in a messy disarray and it made her pause. Her mother was always meticulous... none of this was right.

Charlie paused by her side for a moment as he sent a sad gaze over his shoulder to Sadie's prone form. He whispered lowly, "I'm glad you're 'ere... even if you don't want to be. She needs you, Nell."

Nell snorted bitterly, "I needed her too, didn't I?"

"Nell." Charlie murmured, somewhere between reproach and weariness. At her sharp glare, he seemed to rethink whatever he was about to say. He sighed and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, "She doesn't 'ave much longer. Don't spend these last days in bitterness."

She wasn't bitter. She was mad and hurting. She couldn't bring herself to say that to Charlie though as she gave him another weak smile and nod. Silently, he left the two Donovan women alone. And for a striking moment, Nell couldn't recall the last time she had been left alone with her mother. Polly had been a strict watch dog and when she wasn't there to shield Nell. Ada, Finn, Charlie and Curly were seemingly glued to her side.

"Can't even look at me, can you?"

For the second time, Nell startled. The raspy, husk of a voice didn't belong to her mother. Not the mother she remembered. Quietly, she neared the bed and for the first time she looked on Sadie and held back a gasp. Sadie had lost weight and it seemed as if she had aged decades in the matter of months since Nell had last fully seen her. Where was her mother? What had happened?

"Mum?" Nell whispered as she felt her fear overwhelm her anger. It dawned on her that Charlie wasn't wrong. Her mother didn't have long left. Tommy had left, Charlotte...her funeral had been yesterday – and now, now she was going to lose the last bit of family she had left.

She was going to be alone. Truly alone.

Tears streaked down her face. Her mother could only watch the myriad of emotions that played across her daughter's face. This wasn't how they were supposed to say goodbye.


End file.
